To be annoyed at dh's investments

[PurplePeopleEaterParty]

We have an OK combined income. We live in the SE, so it doesn't go that far, but we should be fairly comfortable.

Dh is tighter than a duck's bum and has a reputation for it 🙄. He has got a little bit better as our household income has improved but he is never going to be a spendy person which overall is a good thing.

Anyway, we live in a small house and overpay on the mortgage which I agree with. But there is so much needs done to it, like some plumbing problems (non urgent but inconvenient) and our dining chairs are literally falling apart and lots of other furniture needs to be replaced, like dc who is now five needs a bigger bed instead of the cot bed. We have big holes in our ceiling from more recent plumbing work. Dh is a pain in the hole to discuss it with as he wrongs his hands over spending money to fix it up 😡.

Meanwhile, he invests chunks of our income into share schemes he has through work. They are low risk and he is Good At Money, so I am not worried he will lose the money.

But aibu to think he should stop investing money and sell some of his shares and us the money to fix up the house?

We both have decent pensions through our work, so the investment is not something we will be reliant on for our retirement. We also have separate savings and kids have JISAs, so it isn't for that either.

It's annoying when he accuses me of spending money on days out with kids or i buy them something or buy myself something, when I never get into debt (we have none other than mortgage) while he also spends money which could be family money on shares!

Aibu?

Sorry - typos!

Wrings his hands*
Use the money*

He's tighter than a ducks arse.

Fixing basic things around the house preserves it's value. The longer you leave it the more expensive it gets. Have you tried that line?

Have you asked what is he saving for?
Did he have a difficult past financially?

Its hard as he is thinking it builds security (which it does) but the house issues can get worse and then cost more in the long run.

Can you sit down and do a budget including a house funds pot?

Its not even like he's actually being sensible with money; being sensible would be using it appropriately to maintain his home a) before the condition gets worse and more expensive to fix and b) because his home is a valuable asset. Squirrelling money away to then sit on it is just miserable, like he's a hoarder!

I’d be annoyed he was doing this unilaterally with no discussion. Surely it’s family money to be discussed. Ask him what his plan is for the kids beds for a start, that one is ridiculous.

are the investments in joint names? No, thought not. So he gets to invest in his name whilst your money goes on essentials. Classy man.

He IS tighter than a duck's arse!

His parents were both professionals, still together and helped him with money through university. They are slightly less well off than my family were but not by a lot. He definitely didn't grow up in poverty.

But...getting a bit deep here...his grandad did and I think his influence might come into it. His grandad used to do things like going round checking all the lockers at the swimming pool with dh and siblings, looking for any forgotten pound coins 😬. Quite strange, but he was born extremely poor and had a very hard childhood so I get it.

@Clefable I used the exact word "squirelling" to him yesterday. It's such a strange trait and not an attractive quality. He does have good traits too but ugh 😒

Yup, Ive got one like this. Would have rather seen the numbers on his spreadsheets increase that actually spend any money. I put up with it for 10 long years then finally put my foot down over a pair of glasses ! I pointed out that it was all a false economy- we had the money just sitting there while our cars needed repairs, our house needed a new bathroom and I needed new glasses . I told him that I wasnt going to indulge his strange relationship with money any more. He still sometimes slips back into this way of thinking but I dont budge an inch.

Your 5 year old is still in a cot bed?
Thats understandable when you have no money, and councils and charities have schemes where they can provide essentials like a bed for your child.

You have the money. Not proving a bed that your child fits in is neglect. You are neglecting your kid.

It depends.. They can be very profitable. I have had then in thr past and been able to more than double my money with my initial investment safe. Thats worth a bit of short term scrimping. As long as you get you use the money at some point not just hoard it like Scrooge mcduck

Also if they haven't matured it's not as simple as selling a few shares. You would lose out on the whole scheme after saving into it for maybe years

Slightly dramatic there @Kernsworld. The cot bed is probably just a slightly smaller bed and the five year old will soon outgrow it.

It doesn't mean he's stuck in the foetal position in an actual cot with bars.

It is not neglect to use/make do with something slightly longer than average.

I'm also tight with cash.

Want to invest and save as much as possible and hate wasting money.

But agree with others it's not ok to let your house get run down.

You have holes in the ceiling and your 5 year old is in a cot bed? Wtf?

I wouldn’t live like that if I didn’t have to. When I became a single parent the only house I could afford was a mess. Needed new windows, roof etc. I wasn’t earning a fortune, it took a long time to save.

I am lucky enough to good money. So while I like to save and invest, my spare money goes on finishing the house. I have the money to do it. My savings just go up slower. Kids deserve a decent house and a decent, especially when the parents can afford to make fixes and afford the new bed.

Not what you asked but I always find good quality wooden s7ngke beds on nextdoor or ebay for 25 to 30 quid then buy a new mattress from say ikea. Same for dining chairs, very good value and not falling apart. For less than 200 you could get a new bed, mattress and bedding plus some solid chairs.

His biggest investment is his home. How can he not understand that by letting it fall into disrepair it is materially damaging his investment?

I couldn't live like this, it would fill me with rage. Why should you not be able to decide to get your child a new bed when they need it, a plumber to fix something annoying or fix a hole? You work, you are not short of money you should have some agency on being able to spend on things that are necessary.

Don’t jump to cancelling the investments. Our work share scheme is ridiculously lucrative and very safe and we prioritise it over overpaying on the mortgage as it will bring the best returns, without a doubt.

Having said that you clearly need to free up some cash for spending on the house so sit down together and work out how much you need and where is best to find it. Sounds like you have other levers you can pull first.

Tell him that by not doing repairs he is effectively decreasing the value of the property. If he doesn’t want to pay someone to do the repairs, then he could try doing them himself (loads of you-tube videos on this: we replaced a damp-proof course last year very successfully, saving at least £1200.00, the price for getting a quote only for it!)
If he’s that tight with money, this might be an attractive option for him!

Depends on the mechanism of the share scheme.
DH had this - but we had to keep them for 5 years to get them tax free (and 2 for 1). If they are on something like a buy one, get one free, why not reduce the mortgage repayments to fix the ceilings, get a bed and buy some chairs. It sounds like you can't actually afford to have the mortgage overpayment and shares, and should try and save a bit each month - that would make replacing things when they break cheaper, if you don't need to borrow to do it?? Might that angle incentivise DH a bit? Whether the money cones from the shares or the mortgage overpayment depends on the effective interest rate of each.

FWIW, DHs work share scheme paid off our mortgage before we were 40.

🙄 @Kernsworld

She fits in the bed with plenty of room. It is just a small bed which is suitable for kids from babies up to 5 year olds. She is comfortable but it is definitely time for a big girl bed!

@EauNeu yes, I think they are quite profitable. I don't know what we'd lose if we sold some, but I honestly just don't have an interest in investment beyond having a pension and some emergency savings. I'd rather just spend the money on stuff we actually need right now. The kids aren't going to be with us forever, so I don't understand why he wants to squirrel away all this money. What's it even for? I don't anticipate him suddenly being Mr big spender when if and when we retire either.

Anyway, we've had a bit of a chat just now as he knows I'm 😡

We're coming up with a list of things we need to tackle as a priority.

Tbf, he said (and is correct) that some of it is just time and lack of people willing to do the work.

It is annoying to me having money tied up in shares which can't easily be accessed for things we need, but some people on here are saying similar to dh re the value of some of these schemes. So maybe getting rid of them is a bit of a knee jerk reaction...

He thinks we can pay for everything without selling shares, so I will hold him to his word on that one.

There'll be people available to do the work if you're willing to pay enough and potentially wait a bit until they're free.

Meanwhile, you can order a bed today.

What would happen if you ordered the bed? Or would he just expect you to pay for it?

I would say you need to sit and discuss his odd attitude to money and see what happens.

Put it to him like this. Willingly housing your child in a house that is in a state of disrepair and keeping her in unsuitable sleeping arrangements is child neglect and should your 5 year old mention to their teachers that your house has holes in it. They may raise this as a safeguarding issue depending on how experienced they are and how their safeguarding training has been delivered. This may open a can of worms you will not like as it would not class as a child in need because there is needless poverty.
Yes some social workers wouldn't be bothered but all it takes is a stray comment and a teacher and social worker of the same mindset to turn this into a willful neglect situation.