To be annoyed at dh's investments

[PurplePeopleEaterParty]

We have an OK combined income. We live in the SE, so it doesn't go that far, but we should be fairly comfortable.

Dh is tighter than a duck's bum and has a reputation for it 🙄. He has got a little bit better as our household income has improved but he is never going to be a spendy person which overall is a good thing.

Anyway, we live in a small house and overpay on the mortgage which I agree with. But there is so much needs done to it, like some plumbing problems (non urgent but inconvenient) and our dining chairs are literally falling apart and lots of other furniture needs to be replaced, like dc who is now five needs a bigger bed instead of the cot bed. We have big holes in our ceiling from more recent plumbing work. Dh is a pain in the hole to discuss it with as he wrongs his hands over spending money to fix it up 😡.

Meanwhile, he invests chunks of our income into share schemes he has through work. They are low risk and he is Good At Money, so I am not worried he will lose the money.

But aibu to think he should stop investing money and sell some of his shares and us the money to fix up the house?

We both have decent pensions through our work, so the investment is not something we will be reliant on for our retirement. We also have separate savings and kids have JISAs, so it isn't for that either.

It's annoying when he accuses me of spending money on days out with kids or i buy them something or buy myself something, when I never get into debt (we have none other than mortgage) while he also spends money which could be family money on shares!

Aibu?

Have you actually seen the paperwork confirming the shares? Is there an account you can have access to? I'd be concerned he's tight about money because he's actually lost more than he's put in.

I think tbh, I've been pussyfooting around a bit too much as I've just been a lot more decisive with him about the washing machine door and the decorator and he's agreed with me.

I am very breezy in general as that's my personality, but when you live with a ditherer, that's no good!

I do worry about his reactions to things sometimes..but I think that's possibly unfair on dh and more to do with having quite a judgemental dad myself growing up (god I'm getting awfully deep here).

Anyway, I won't write him off as an abusive asshole yet tbh. But extremely annoying.

I think some progress is being made today though and I need to remember to just be more assertive with him as he would ignore everything if I don't keep telling him

I'll keep you posted if it turns out differently though...😬

Be careful not to enable his anxiety by consulting him about everything. It's normal to push through a certain level of anxiety so your world doesn't shrink (of course not to the extent of harming yourself).

The joint savings idea sounds great, then you can just buy the new washing machine door without needing to discuss it. It is a form of control over you at the end of the day, which is not helping you either.

If he has an active sharesave scheme now (especially given the absolutely massive dips in some company share prices in the last few years) you need to understand it and be very wary of pulling them out. They are fantastic schemes and can out perform standard investments by massive amounts.

By way of example, I currently have a 2020 5 year SS scheme, paying in £500 a month. In total, by the maturity date in 2025 I'll have saved £30k of my own money. In 2020, post-pandemic, my company share price was in the bin plus i got a 20% discount top...the share price has massively risen since. At current rates, there is a very realistic outcome of me getting back over £100k in 2025. I'd beg, borrow and steal before I'd end it, it will be life changing for us.

Just a small point that it's a bad idea to go straight ahead and fix stuff immediately after work has been done because if the pipes aren't watertight and drip slowly it could take a few weeks for that to start being noticeable. Paying out a load of money to replaster, only to have to undo it because you need to re-access to fix a repair that hasn't worked is pretty annoying.

Do you not have any slack in the normal budget?

I wouldn't be keen to withdraw from investments for a couple of hundred quid for a new bed. I'd save that from normal monthly spends.

You say you are quite comfortable so is there no money not allocated to shares or the mortgage? If not you need to agree a monthly fund for one off expenses.

I agree maintenance is essential but these don't sound like holes in the ceiling because of an issue getting worse, more what is cut to allow access.

Essentially you need short and long term savings and some differentiation between them.

I don't trust any share scheme like that when it's tied to one company at all.

Op read the simple path to wealth and educate yourself.

It's very clear simple book a man wrote for his daughter. It has everything you need to know.

You need to rebalance the families finances and look at short pain and long term gain...

Your dd needs a bed, your biggest investment asset, the home needs fixing. He's lost in tunnel vision.

He absolutely must start to set aside someone money for fun and essential things and lower the money going into these shares. I strongly urge you to read that book and look into his Share scheme.

There is general rule on investments.

Sort everything else out first, emergency savings etc.... Savings and then investment.

He, they should have money /cash to hand to buy the bed. He can't afford clearly for all his money to go to investment

Sounds like we work for the same company.

Not all share save schemes are equal but for certain companies and stocks, they really can be “very lucrative”. We don’t know how good the OP’s DH’s one is.

☝️

Wait, the washing machine door just fell off and you need to wait for his work call to finish before you can get approval to spend anything on it?

Just order a new fucking washing machine. You can get a whole new one for the same amount it will cost to order new door. Do it and inform him afterwards, this is ridiculous.

It's very likely that he knows that you and your kids are struggling unnecessarily. He'd just rather squirrel all the money for himself. If it's in the shares, no one else can get it.

Yes, there was a leak and the plumber needed to cut holes in the ceiling to access the pipes. The leak is OK now, so I want the holes fixed. We've asked the decorator who will come and do it.

Re the shares. You need to check the scheme terms but typically if it’s the type of share save scheme quite a few posters are talking about you don’t lose money. You are saving money to then have the right to buy shares when the scheme matures.

typically that right is at something like 80% of the price when the scheme (3 or 5 years normally) started. If for some reason the share price has tanked at maturity no one is forced to buy their shares you just withdraw your money. Until recently you would barely even have missed out on interest if you’d saved that amount each month for three years.

Nothing wrong with a 5 year old in a cot bed in its bed configuration, provided they still fit. I know that my (tall) 5 year old was, because she went straight from that to a high sleeper (and those aren't recommended for under 6s). I'm sure many do this.

Forgot to add the ranking share price happened to me once in about 15 years of being in these schemes. I got all my money back at maturity. The schemes are administered by a bank the savings aren’t held as company funds so even if the company is in dire straits your money should be secure

Yes, the money is secure and we would get what we put in back at least in one of them. The other one is something else. He does tell me btw, but I just don't have any interest in investing, so the info leaves my brain!

I know that makes ME now sound like the feckless arse, but just being truthful

I would suggest a bank account for general house maintenance might be helpful. So agree an amount to spend on the house each year to maintain the asset in saleable condition and protect it as an investment. Then have a direct debit into it each month from both of you. Then when something needs doing, you see what the balance is and allocate accordingly. This way you can also plan for preventive maintenance.

you should become more informed regarding the share schemes, they are usually a very good l o n g term investment.
and no you can’t just pull money out willy nilly and add in extra without penalty costs most of the time.
financial literacy isn’t a bad thing.

What is he actually saving for? If it's not for future security in retirement, or for fun stuff like holidays, then what? Why live in a run down house with broken and inadequate furniture when you don't need to? Why is he so intent on guarding his pots of gold? Also, why don't you get a say in this?
If he won't listen then tell him next month you're using the usual mortgage overpayment to buy DD a bed she actually fits in. The following month fix the holes in the ceiling, buy dining chairs, fix the plumbing and so on. Or get a credit card and crack on with buying what you need for the house and family.

It's pointless ignoring problems with houses as it'll cost more in the long run, and FFS of the kids need beds etc!

Agree with a PP set a budget for home spending like everything else - maybe put aside x per month in an account.

The problem with some work share saves is that it's not always easy to get the money out, so you need a rainy day and maintenance pot

If I were you as well I'd look into the share saves and find out exactly what they are, don't just rely on him being good with money. If it's from joint income you should have a day on the investments and savings of your own - I would hate for DH to be in charge of everything to the point I can't replace a chair.

Right but I think that's the whole reason he's investing in the shares--so that he can keep the money away from his family.

It may be worth taking the time to understand the stuff as then you can make joint decisions about the finances better.

You talk about investing but I wonder if the other type is something like LTIs which are often given as part of a bonus - you are awarded a certain amount of shares (for free) but you only get them in two, three or maybe more years depending on the scheme. At that point you can immediately sell the shares (effectively free money once the tax is paid as needed ) or you can keep them as shares and sell at a later date.

LTIs are Long Term Incentives. Not investments until they mature and you have the shares. He may have £20k in LTIs at tue current value of the shares but until they mature they have no value. They’re a way of keeping / incentivising staff to stay at a company (and they work as there is often a flurry of resignations just after a scheme matures).

There definitely are issues you need to address around spending money, and no one should tie money up in Share Saves before having accessible savings but it’s also not that your DH is risking all your money picking shares in random companies by the sounds of it.

Dammit I’m having posting problems today. Was trying to reply to this post - sorry