To be annoyed at dh's investments

[PurplePeopleEaterParty]

We have an OK combined income. We live in the SE, so it doesn't go that far, but we should be fairly comfortable.

Dh is tighter than a duck's bum and has a reputation for it 🙄. He has got a little bit better as our household income has improved but he is never going to be a spendy person which overall is a good thing.

Anyway, we live in a small house and overpay on the mortgage which I agree with. But there is so much needs done to it, like some plumbing problems (non urgent but inconvenient) and our dining chairs are literally falling apart and lots of other furniture needs to be replaced, like dc who is now five needs a bigger bed instead of the cot bed. We have big holes in our ceiling from more recent plumbing work. Dh is a pain in the hole to discuss it with as he wrongs his hands over spending money to fix it up 😡.

Meanwhile, he invests chunks of our income into share schemes he has through work. They are low risk and he is Good At Money, so I am not worried he will lose the money.

But aibu to think he should stop investing money and sell some of his shares and us the money to fix up the house?

We both have decent pensions through our work, so the investment is not something we will be reliant on for our retirement. We also have separate savings and kids have JISAs, so it isn't for that either.

It's annoying when he accuses me of spending money on days out with kids or i buy them something or buy myself something, when I never get into debt (we have none other than mortgage) while he also spends money which could be family money on shares!

Aibu?

I can be a bit like this, I don't know why though I think it's anxiety related! Maybe just talk it through with him logically looking at figures and maybe make a plan to do things over a few months so it's not a huge expenses all in one go?

He doesn't accept that he is odd with money and thinks I'm unusually spendthrift 🙄

He does know he is anxious (he has GAD) though and I assume this panic and indecisiveness about spending is tied in with it.

Honestly, if I ordered a bed without him, he'd be gutted. He likes to discuss the options and then pick one! I'll pin him down when he finishes work today and choose a bed for dd as that isn't reliant on getting someone in to do it. He wants to do everything together when we spend money on the house, but it is not always practical to do that as we're busy (I'm off today BTW or I wouldn't have time for mumsnetting).

X posted with you @BlueBlubbaWhale

That's interesting you think it is anxiety related as that is what I think too.

The coming from a poor background resonates. I have similar reactions to your DH that we don't spend money unless absolutely necessary. Irrational or not, I worry about becoming poor again.

We have a "house maintenance" budget which we put money into so that there is no unplanned spending - that helps with my anxiety around spending as I can see it's accounted for. Would similar help your DH?

(That said, I agree taking money of work share things may not make financial sense).

I see it sounds like he is on board with the roof and it's just someone to do it - for someone who is careful with money that does mean shopping around and not paying over the odds. If you want it done more quickly - perhaps you can do some of the donkey work?

Re the bed - if she fits in the bed comfortably, this really isn't a child neglect situation. Maybe agree a date at which you (both) think she should have a new bed.

He is a miser basically and that will be more to do with his personality than anything else. Short term persuade him that fixing the house will add to its value. Long term just ignore the moans as he will probably not change.

Fine, ordering the bed won't take long. Can be agreed and done tonight, and then that's one problem solved.

My sister just moved out of a house because the landlord was selling it. He was a terrible landlord and never fixed anything. The surveyor told him that the house would have been worth 300k more than it was if he had kept it up over the last ten years. Small things like not fixing the ceiling after a leak have turned into large things like the whole ceiling needing to be replaced.

Perhaps your DH can focus his anxiety on that (that was a bit mean, but you know what I mean).

Your DD5 will soon be having more play dates and sleepovers, bedrooms are a source of pride/personal space as they grow. As is the state of their house BTW, I remember being very embarrassed about the state of my house as a child.

And yes letting your main capital asset getting run down is a false economy.

Your dd is going to remember the hole in the ceiling and one day figure out you had the income to fix it and think wtf was that about.

If he's had shares a while he might be able to sell them now without penalty? some people will get away with what you let them away with.

I mean really? holes in ceiling? what's the point in working just to look up at that every day.

Is it one of these sharesave schemes where you save monthly to buy shares at 80% of the shareprice? Because those are almost irresistible. Can he not cash in on one of the matured schemes?

Just out of interest (and hopefully not to fuel his anxiety) what would happen to the shares if his employer went bust, or had a sustained period of economic turmoil? Could the value actually go down? If there's any prospect of that, it would be an indicator to only use the work investment scheme as part of a wider portfolio.

But if you read any budgeting/financial management advice, it will always include provision for spending money on discretionary items. Even people on very low incomes should be able to afford some small treats and if you're comfortable/debt free, it's not wrong to spend significantly on 'nice things' and that's over and above the things you mention (repairing the ceiling, new dining chairs, a bed for DD) because these sound like these are essentials anyway. If the chairs are literally 'falling apart' then someone could be injured if it collapsed when sat on.

You often see advice along the lines of 50% of income for essentials, 30% discretionary and 20% for savings/investments for the future, so is this something you can get him to agree to? After all, if you're debt free other than the mortgage and have healthy savings and investments, what are you saving for? There comes a point when you should also decide to live a little.

@Flavabobble whatever it is, it's a really good scheme apparently.

The fucking washing machine door has now just fallen off, which is just brilliant since I have loads of washing to do. Ugh. I knew it was going and he didn't want to buy a new door the tight git.

He's on a work call for the next half hour, but I might then just grab him and order the door, the bed and say to the decorator we've used before to come round today.

It is SO infuriating living like this as it isn't as if money has come easy to us. We work for it and haven't had as much help as a lot of people we know from family etc. So irritating to now have a whole ordeal every time we want to spend it 🙄. I do think it's something he cannot help to a point but it's rage inducing!

@BarbaraofSeville Raises a good point, if they go bump those shares are worth fuck all, or the company gets into trouble but doesn't stop trading they're worth fuck all but he'll have the hope the value will return.

He needs to show you the details of this scheme too.

@BarbaraofSeville he does consider that but for some reason doesn't focus his anxiety on it. I think he is realistic anxious person iyswim, so the idea of unlikely total catastrophes don't bother him.

The dining chairs aren't dangerous - it's the pleather seats which are getting holes in them, but it's still awful looking

I grew up with a father who was a money hoarder like your husband. Our house always needed work doing, our cars were always breaking down, holidays/days out were very rare and only when my mum would have spent months convincing my dad. It was (and still is) an anxiety thing for my dad but it really affected all of us growing up. Maybe you could talk to your husband about some sort of therapy (although if he’s like my dad the thought of paying for something like that will probably be totally laughable to him). Yes these schemes can be profitable, but if they come at the expense of your day to day life, what is the point? Also, if you do make money from them what is the likelihood that your DH will want to spend any of it versus reinvesting in another scheme?

You need to understand the share schemes. If we're just talking a share save scheme, he won't be able to put that much in anyway but it might be very stupid for him to remove the savings at this stage. I am aghast at the people calling these 'very lucrative' and 'irresistible though..... tonnes of schemes are under water and the share price could plummet at at anytime, meaning a real terms loss.

If you're talking management equity, that's a whole different kettle of fish and likely much larger sums of money.

Either way, he needs to get your house sorted out!! If its that or the schemes, you can afford the schemes, frankly.

Not having a proper bed for your five year old, if you can afford it, and not fixing holes in your roof is inexcusable. My 4 year old DS has had a proper single bed with single bedding since he was 3.

Tell your DH he needs to start setting aside money each month for house and family essentials. Tell him if he doesn’t do this you’ll need to look at the long term viability of the marriage - this sort of tightness when you are both financially comfortable is unforgivable.

OP why can't you just buy these things?

When there is money available, ie you're not really skint and have spare money, and the washing machine breaks, or a growing child needs a new bed, you just buy it. That's how it normally works.

It's starting to sound like there's more to it and he's restricting your access to money under the guise of investing wisely/financial prudence. If this goes too far, so far beyond what is necessary, that is financial abuse.

He is in therapy (paid for by work).

I would hate this. You seem quite easy breezy about it all but it really got me when you said about taking the kids for days out

What so your kids don’t get holidays/treats/extra curricular activities because your husband is so greedy and tight

You are making a mistake excusing his behaviour away as anxiety instead you should be asking him to get help because his approach to life is impacting upon everyone and your children could actually turn out like him!

Im all for saving money where possible and for instance I’d check marketplace out for the bed and washing machine etc but I would not tolerate his way

I mean how much do you both roughly bring in? Is he saving hundreds a month?

Also to my knowledge share schemes at work do have their limits - you can’t just buy as much as you want as the shares are discounted

We do go on holiday a few times a year and the kids get to go on days out. But he will moan at me if I do the cinema for example and say why not just do something free like the park, which annoys me as he is spending money on his fecking shares.

I could just buy these things, but our savings are separate, so if I bought everything it would come from my personal savings all the time which isn't fair. Our day to day stuff is joint but savings are separate.

So your budget needs to include provision for joint savings for annual and irregular joint expenses like the washing machine, bed, household repairs, also Christmas and other annual/irregular expenses.

He doesn't get to unilaterally veto these expenses because he doesn't see them as important. He's not the only person in the house, why shouldn't you take DC to the cinema if you can afford it and they want to go?

You need to explain the 1% rule to him:

Each year, you should expect to spend 1% of your house’s purchase price in maintaining the property, in order to protect its value.

A house is the biggest investment you will ever make. If you’re not prepared to to look after it, expect to lose money or get as nasty shock when the big things go wrong.

Thank you @BarbaraofSeville and exactly! I am not overspending, I am just spending. And anyway, he's a big hypocrite with the days out thing as he loves taking them to theme parks and would do that fairly regularly. It's just that he doesn't see the value in seeing films which I and older dc do.

I also agree that the joint savings idea is good. We do have one for Christmas actually, which we could just add more to for other stuff.

Why are you allowing his life choices to impact your entirely family so much? The door falling of the washing machine is a prime example, I’d be willing to bet your biggest worry is his reaction rather than the annoyance of the actual machine not being usable. OP, think carefully about the impact living like and having such a role model will be having on your kids. He’s their father, not their grandfather and that influence clearly was significant. Think about your life.