Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are a hugger,

121 replies

SheRaaaaa · 11/08/2023 09:10

Why do you do it?

Why do you think people want to be hugged by you? 🤔

Do you also get in peoples spaces in other ways too?

If you do it 'unconsciously' or whatever other bollocks, can you pick up on when people don't like it and stop?

In case you didn't notice, I'm not a hugger and a couple of threads I've seen recently made me wonder why people do it.

Yabu - everyone loves a hug
Yanbu - keep your hands to yourself

OP posts:
WhatADrabCarpet · 11/08/2023 19:35

The trouble with huggers is that you don't want to offend them.
Posturing with negative body language makes the situation awkward, particularly in front of others ( who are all secretly not wanting to hug) and actually verbalising that you don't want to be hugged is perceived as cruel , despite everyone thinking the same thing.

You really don't need to hug people, particularly people that you see every single day. It really is awkward.

Mariposista · 11/08/2023 19:35

I am not a hugger in general. We are not a demonstrative family at all (awkward hug when we greet etc, but we show a lot of love in other ways).
However when my dear gran 3 months ago died I got to know the lovely lady vicar who took her funeral. We are now great friends, she’s young and very friendly. And one day she hugged me and I didn’t push her away - I needed that hug so so much without realizing it and think I let her hug me for about 5 minutes. I always hug her now when I meet her, and it’s not weird.

DerekFaker · 11/08/2023 19:56

The trouble with huggers is that you don't want to offend them.

I honestly don't care about offending people who don't care about my boundaries and personal space - I think that's pretty rude.

ForestGoblin · 11/08/2023 19:58

Hugs i don't mind (wouldn't instigate). KISSES on the other hand 🤢

Mwah mwah MWAH 🤮

AliTheMinx · 11/08/2023 20:00

I love hugs, but also think I'm pretty good at spotting non-huggers, so am careful about whom I hug!

Redavocadoes · 11/08/2023 20:01

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2023 09:29

Ok, but why would you even want to hug people you don't know very well or people you work with? Do you not understand how awkward it is to be asked if you want a hug from someone when you absolutely do not?

In my opinion, if you have to ask, you shouldn't be asking.

Show quote history

For me, if I'm not sure I just ask 'are you a hugger?' and that way they don't have to refuse me specifically, they can just say 'no I'm not' and then there's no awkwardness.
Usually that would be in a situation where I don't know them as well as others present, have hugged several others in the group that I have an established hugging relationship with, but am not sure if they are standing back feeling left out or are standing back not wanting to be hugged.

I mean, I don't want them to feel left out!

nonheme · 11/08/2023 20:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GreekDogRescue · 11/08/2023 20:03

I hate hugs.
I have my dogs for that sort of thing. The trouble is they don’t like being hugged that much

nonheme · 11/08/2023 20:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GreekDogRescue · 11/08/2023 20:04

I find it’s usually men of a certain age who like hugging and it’s a bit lecherous. Thankfully covid stopped them in their tracks.

TreadLight · 11/08/2023 20:10

I'm not a Hugger, if I see a looming hug, I demonstrably offer a high 5 instead. Some people still insist on hugs though.

Amiable · 11/08/2023 20:10

I am a hugger! I have definitely changed since I found out my eldest child is autistic. I am much more aware of bodily autonomy and will ask before hugging now. Live and learn!

Holly60 · 11/08/2023 21:23

I wouldn’t offer a hug but that doesn’t mean I’m cold and uncaring, I just don’t do hug and don’t like touching people. If someone was upset I’d maybe poke them with a pencil or something and ask if they wanted a cuppa but I wouldn’t hug

I didn't say a person has to be cold and uncaring not to offer a hug, just that's how I might perceive it in that moment. When I'm upset, I generally really appreciate a hug.

I'd possibly be a bit put out if someone poked me with a pencil rather than offered me a hug but I'd probably understand that the person was trying to show concern in their own way. I'd not get cross with them for being a 'pencil poker' or be upset that they hadn't asked my permission to poke me with a pencil 😂

Holly60 · 11/08/2023 21:27

Ultimately I think we all hide our feelings better than we think we do, whether it's those people who hate a hug or those who would really like a hug but don't get offered one.

Probably the only way around it is to be really honest about what we need at any particular time and try not to get offended over what are ultimately small differences. Also not worry about giving offence as I'm pretty sure we all understand that not everyone is the same.

I offer a hug but would never be offended if someone said no thank you. Equally, I understand that it is completely fine for someone to feel unable to offer a hug to me, and don't get offended if they don't offer one.

Saverage · 11/08/2023 21:28

WhatADrabCarpet · 11/08/2023 19:35

The trouble with huggers is that you don't want to offend them.
Posturing with negative body language makes the situation awkward, particularly in front of others ( who are all secretly not wanting to hug) and actually verbalising that you don't want to be hugged is perceived as cruel , despite everyone thinking the same thing.

You really don't need to hug people, particularly people that you see every single day. It really is awkward.

Why do you think everyone is secretly not wanting a hug? A lot of people are saying they only want a hug from their family, but there are those that don't have that, and appreciate a hug from elsewhere.

I'd love to know what the proportion of huggers / non-huggers is in general in society.

WhatADrabCarpet · 11/08/2023 21:32

@Saverage
As I said, it was a work colleague that I saw every day. Other colleagues had also expressed their displeasure at daily hugging.

Family hugging is an entirely different matter.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 11/08/2023 21:33

Other than my DP I have a few close female friends I always hug when we meet/leave, plus three gay male friends who are very huggy-kissy. DP has a few mates who always hug me when I meet them, and initially I found it a bit odd, but now I like it - it shows I’m one of the gang.

BlartFast · 11/08/2023 21:37

I want only to hug my kids, husband, and 2 of my closest friends. Everyone else can sod off. Yet so many people in my life bloody hug me (including some of my work team!).

To me, the absolute worst people are those that declare, having barely met me, 'I'M A HUGGER' as they loom in on you. I want to say, 'Well I'm not, so fuck off', but I'm too polite so I grimace through yet another bloody hug.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 11/08/2023 21:51

I'm not necessarily a hugger , but I am quite touchy feely. However I only do it with people I know are open to it/comfortable with it. If not sure , I kinda leave myself open(especially if the situation looks like it requires it) and if the person comes in for a hug, great . If not, also great. It's about what they need, especially if upset.

PinkSkiesAtNight · 11/08/2023 22:01

I love a hug! DP and a few particular friends get all the hugs, because I know they appreciate it. My DM would appreciate it, but I find it more awkward with her.

I've been told I give good hugs. Usually said while the person is sat down. They tend to lean into my boobs and rest their head. I think it's the squishy pillowness of it that makes it a good hug!

Only certain people who definitely appreciate it get the boob hugs. But if the hug vibe is present from both sides, I'm all about the hug. A real, emotional hug where you can literally just fall into it, fod as long as you need is one of the best things in life.

oldwhyno · 11/08/2023 22:03

I like a hug. I love a good hug at the right time with someone else that loves a good hug. A hug with someone that doesn’t like hugs is pretty obvious and bad for all involved. So I avoid those where possible.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/08/2023 22:06

oldwhyno · 11/08/2023 22:03

I like a hug. I love a good hug at the right time with someone else that loves a good hug. A hug with someone that doesn’t like hugs is pretty obvious and bad for all involved. So I avoid those where possible.

Exactly.

In almost all situations it's possible to read the dynamics and know if a hug would be welcomed or appropriate.

A good hug is wonderful. (If you like hugs of course!)

ThereIbledit · 11/08/2023 22:27

I’m a hugger, it’s a cultural thing and also it’s something I genuinely enjoy the feel of. Being in someone else’s space shows vulnerability, closeness, openness. It’s acceptance, and, briefly, we form an alliance, a unit. It means we’re not alone, there is another human who can shelter us.

It can be all of those things, yes. It can also be an invasion of unacknowledged boundary, a violation, uncomfortable, awkward, and energy draining, particularly for the sensitive/empaths amongst us.

I used to hug a lot, and I have to say I think 99% of the time it was always well received... then I learnt better boundaries, and a few years after that covid happened and I lost all appetite for it with all but my closest friends and family anyway. These days I'll offer a hug, and I will be just as delighted with a no as with a yes - It's really nice to see somebody be able to stand up for what they need in the moment. I have little hesitation in refusing a hug if I need to protect my energy, too.

I do think those who have a problem with others offering a hug miiight need to work on their own boundaries a bit more. Normalise saying no to the point that you enjoy it. I promise it doesn't make you a bad person, and your life will be SO much richer if you are able to do what is right for you in the moment without feeling guilty.

brokenlore · 11/08/2023 23:28

a mate told me quite recently, the reason why the Brits use 'arms length' is because anything closer is deemed too close and getting into 'one's space', the Spanish and Italians it's a 'hands length'. No idea how true this is, but it sort of makes sense that the Brits are more into a shake of the hand and the Spanish and Italians are more into a kiss on the cheek, I'm guessing the French might fall into the hands length category too? Are the Germans and Scandinavians hand shakers or kissers? And don't the Polynesians rub noses? I think the Japanese have got it right with a slight bow, no contact of any sort! Okay I know I'm stereotyping like mad, but it's interesting isn't it?

WandaWonder · 11/08/2023 23:48

So if I decided to randomly tickle people or pat them on the head that would be OK and if anyone had an issue with it they would be in the wrong because I have decided I need to do these things?

Why is hugging any different?

So if people don't like hugging they are the odd ones?