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Original poster

Starting a thread about how bloody hard parenting is..?

113 replies

groovychickY2K · 09/08/2023 21:43

Start off before anyone says - I love my children dearly. They are amazing human beings and I'm so lucky to have them. This isn't a thread about my children, it's about how fucking hard parenting and day to day being a mother is.

I have a 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, so they both need different things. If I take them out alone (which I have to as my mum doesn't help, and partner works full time) I try to enjoy a day with them but they run in different directions like wild animals, then one doesn't want to do what would entertain the other and vice versa.

I got judgemental comments from my mum about their bedtimes and their routines, and god forbid if I dare look at my mobile phone while I've got the kids while I'm in her company.

A simple thing like a hair or nail appointment requires a 2 week bloody notice period for childcare working around his schedule. Even nipping to the shops isn't easy as one of them is usually tired, and it's such a stressful experience.

Working out every single day x 3 what to feed them.. never having anything decent in the house.

If I want to work and not pay childcare I have to work weekends, to have a weekend then it's a bomb I have to pay in childcare.. or I don't work at all and then get all the time for the kids but no earnings of my own.

Housework, the mountain of it and laundry!!

Trying to have a chat with a friend is impossible without being interrupted.

Then at 10pm when I finally have peace - partner then thinks this is a good time to try to fondle me. As he does at any opportunity actually. GET THE FUCK OFF ME.

URGH! Is it this hard for everyone!?

OP posts:
Cloudflare · 10/08/2023 03:19

I've long thought that if someone wrote a completely truthful book on the experiences of being a life long parent, if it could be explained in it entirety, that anyone reading it wouldn't become one.

I love all my kids and grandkids dearly. But if somehow I could go back in time and know what I know now, without ever knowing my children...well... my life would have been lived child free.

It's not the hard work of parenting that is the problem (although some have it harder than others), it's the emotional side that is relentless, for the rest of your life. It's a life long intense emotional vulnerability. That bit never seems to be in the parenting books (although i haven't read one in years - perhaps they write about that bit, these days).

Essentially, having a child is like ripping open your chest and having your heart walking around outside you, for the rest of your life. (I read that somewhere - I agreed).

If we really could understand that truth of parenting before we do it, would it change our choices?

The instinctual drive to reproduce, the survival of the species, is very strong.

MentholLoad · 10/08/2023 03:26

Cloudflare · 10/08/2023 03:19

I've long thought that if someone wrote a completely truthful book on the experiences of being a life long parent, if it could be explained in it entirety, that anyone reading it wouldn't become one.

I love all my kids and grandkids dearly. But if somehow I could go back in time and know what I know now, without ever knowing my children...well... my life would have been lived child free.

It's not the hard work of parenting that is the problem (although some have it harder than others), it's the emotional side that is relentless, for the rest of your life. It's a life long intense emotional vulnerability. That bit never seems to be in the parenting books (although i haven't read one in years - perhaps they write about that bit, these days).

Essentially, having a child is like ripping open your chest and having your heart walking around outside you, for the rest of your life. (I read that somewhere - I agreed).

If we really could understand that truth of parenting before we do it, would it change our choices?

The instinctual drive to reproduce, the survival of the species, is very strong.

❤️

Draconis · 10/08/2023 03:36

It's hard work at all ages because you have to cater to their needs - physical and emotional. But it does get easier when they aren't impulsive toddlers with no common sense and unable to articulate what they need.
Having a good partner helps so much. I'm sorry you don't have that. It's such a shame that so many men are crap. It's not even if we need much from them. Some sharing of chores and parenting and some care and consideration for us. Why is that so hard for so many men?
Those crap men should never be in relationships because women should just bin them.

Curseofthenation · 10/08/2023 06:03

I agree with the PP that said parenting is so much easier if you have a partner that pulls their weight. There's no way that I would have become a SAHM if my DH didn't do his share.

Your partner needs to get off his arse and do his share. He sounds like a lazy arse and I do find it hard to read about women essentially solo parenting in these situations. You deserve better.

Zanatdy · 10/08/2023 06:14

I has 3.5yrs between mine, take the pushchair and some reigns, the 6yr old is old enough to understand instructions so shouldn’t be running off. It is hard work at that age, honestly it gets easier. Mine are 15 & 19 now, and dream kids. I’ve not had any trouble with them and can’t remember when I had to tell one off. When my 15yr old DD was 2 my god she had the worse tantrums knows to man! I remember some weekends dreading spending 2 days with them both and roll in nursery. Personally I’d work, I’d have gone insane being a SAHM, no offence to anyone. Yes childcare is expensive, but you’re earning, paying into your pension and also could be working towards promotions - so I never agree when people say they’d be working for nothing. You never work for nothing. As for your DH, tell him that you don’t want to be mauled like a piece of meat, can you get anymore unattractive than that kind of come on?!

Zanatdy · 10/08/2023 06:17

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 23:56

@ChangingMode I think your teens being easy are a rarity.

Show quote history

My teens are easy too. I put the work in before the teens years around being respectful as not a chance I’d be spoken to like some teens or even pre teens speak to their parents. Not all teens are a nightmare

Abouttimemum · 10/08/2023 06:21

I just have one 4 year old and it’s fairly straightforward these days. I have a hands on partner and we parent equally. DS has a solid routine and he sleeps well which is half the battle.

I’m under no illusion it’ll get tricky again at some point. Also adding a second to the mix would cause chaos I’d imagine (it’s not happening)

youknowitIknowit · 10/08/2023 06:23

Your husband sounds like the problem.

Not all teens are difficult because their parents 'didn't put the work in'. Some just are.

bakewellbride · 10/08/2023 06:23

1.5 year old and 5 year old here. I love being a mum so much but yep - it's hard! The stress and worry, the broken sleep, the responsibility, the cost... I could go on!

Abouttimemum · 10/08/2023 06:24

Zanatdy · 10/08/2023 06:17

My teens are easy too. I put the work in before the teens years around being respectful as not a chance I’d be spoken to like some teens or even pre teens speak to their parents. Not all teens are a nightmare

Show quote history

My nephews are both teens aged 19 and 17 and are not a bit of bother, very respectful and my sister is (currently) having no trouble with them at all! They’ve always been that way as teens. Spend most of their time on their hobbies which most likely helps!

Opt1234 · 10/08/2023 06:24

I get you @groovychickY2K !

YukoandHiro · 10/08/2023 06:30

This reply has been deleted

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I don't get people who comment on threads like this... clearly letting off a bit of steam to people who understand is part of the point of MN.
Bully for you, you found it easy. Some people are finding it tough. Let them share with each other

Usernamen · 10/08/2023 07:11

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Does having only one child help (DP and I are aligned on this at least)?

Zanatdy · 10/08/2023 07:42

Usernamen · 10/08/2023 07:11

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Does having only one child help (DP and I are aligned on this at least)?

One child can be harder in some ways

Draconis · 10/08/2023 07:46

Usernamen · 10/08/2023 07:11

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Does having only one child help (DP and I are aligned on this at least)?

It's such an individual thing. Depends on the child you have, the support you have and your lifestyle.
Personally, I think parenthood is wonderful. So much fun. I work part time and have more than one dc. I think it's easier than having one now because they have each other and they get on. Equals more downtime for me.
It was really hard when dc2 was born and dc1 was a toddler but even then, there was lots of joy.

As far as teenagers go, I found that teenagers who are active seemed to be easier. This seemed to be the case with mine and my friends dc too.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 10/08/2023 07:47

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Honestly, not everyone finds it very hard. I didn't. But then I have a husband who isn't a selfish, useless arse, which helps.

manontroppo · 10/08/2023 07:57

It was much easier in days gone by when everyone stuck to a strict routine, people knew what was expected, it was fine for a kid to be left to entertain themselves, and there probably were a handful of other kids and families on your street. No one expected mothers to be all singing all dancing childcare experts!

You need a fairly thick skin to survive the slings and arrows of parenting (and tell your mum to do one). I went back to work - far better for all concerned.

manontroppo · 10/08/2023 07:58

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 10/08/2023 07:47

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Honestly, not everyone finds it very hard. I didn't. But then I have a husband who isn't a selfish, useless arse, which helps.

This - if your husband is good it’s easier, if he’s a dick, it’s easier by yourself.

I think one and onlies are far harder - mine entertain each other nicely, but we have a small age gap. Once they are both at school it’s much easier.

Approaching · 10/08/2023 07:58

Yes, parenting is (or can be, everyone is different) incredibly difficult. But it sounds like your husband is the problem here, you should be able to work together to make things easier for one another. If he’s not pulling his weight at home what’s the point of him?

Cavernbright · 10/08/2023 07:58

My teens are easy too!! My baby/toddler however...up between 2am-5am this morning, then awake at 6am. I'm dead.

You honestly forget the relentless monotony and tiredness. And the lifting everywhere, causing back problems. The constant needing you, no break. And i work 3 days a week so not with them 24/7 like some, but fuck me it's dreadful!!

I can't wait until around 4yo when it starts to get easier. Give me teens over babies and toddlers any day!!

Skethylita · 10/08/2023 08:00

Usernamen · 10/08/2023 07:11

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Does having only one child help (DP and I are aligned on this at least)?

There are benefits and drawbacks to both only children and siblings. Mine are quite far apart in age, so I was able to concentrate on each a bit more when they were young and the eldest was able to help.

As long as you have fairly NT children and put in the hard work early, it usually does get a lot easier when they're older. My mid-teen is a delight, the primay-aged one is stubborn strong-willed, but will still do as told. Both are brought up to help out around the house.

Oh, OP, do ditch the husband. It takes away one rather entitled child from your workload and will make life much easier indeed. Best thing I did, really.

RubiRage · 10/08/2023 08:04

Fondle 😆That’s a word I’ve not heard in a long time.

But you must know before you have them what it’s going to be like. There’s no way I wanted another one of me, or anything that resembled my siblings running around. I felt so sorry for my parents.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 10/08/2023 08:06

Usernamen · 10/08/2023 07:11

MN puts me off parenthood. I can only hope there are enough benefits that I don’t regret it when the time comes.

Does having only one child help (DP and I are aligned on this at least)?

I love being a mum, I enjoy their company and my heart is full being with them and near them BUT it is gruelling in the first few years if you don't have good sleepers (mine were awful) and a shit partner/DH (now ex).

Mine are primary age and it's wonderful.

Usernamen · 10/08/2023 08:16

Okay, so the jury is out on one child vs multiple children, but parenting is not that hard, especially if DP pulls his weight (something he’s good at already pre-kids!). Thanks everyone 😁

Original poster
groovychickY2K · 10/08/2023 08:18

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Mum!? I didn't realise you were on Mumsnet 😂

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