Starting a thread about how bloody hard parenting is..?

[groovychickY2K]

Start off before anyone says - I love my children dearly. They are amazing human beings and I'm so lucky to have them. This isn't a thread about my children, it's about how fucking hard parenting and day to day being a mother is.

I have a 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, so they both need different things. If I take them out alone (which I have to as my mum doesn't help, and partner works full time) I try to enjoy a day with them but they run in different directions like wild animals, then one doesn't want to do what would entertain the other and vice versa.

I got judgemental comments from my mum about their bedtimes and their routines, and god forbid if I dare look at my mobile phone while I've got the kids while I'm in her company.

A simple thing like a hair or nail appointment requires a 2 week bloody notice period for childcare working around his schedule. Even nipping to the shops isn't easy as one of them is usually tired, and it's such a stressful experience.

Working out every single day x 3 what to feed them.. never having anything decent in the house.

If I want to work and not pay childcare I have to work weekends, to have a weekend then it's a bomb I have to pay in childcare.. or I don't work at all and then get all the time for the kids but no earnings of my own.

Housework, the mountain of it and laundry!!

Trying to have a chat with a friend is impossible without being interrupted.

Then at 10pm when I finally have peace - partner then thinks this is a good time to try to fondle me. As he does at any opportunity actually. GET THE FUCK OFF ME.

URGH! Is it this hard for everyone!?

You make a good point about NT vs ND children. We know of children who were diagnosed late. At least if we stop at one and they are diagnosed in the primary years we wouldn’t have our attention taken away by the second or third child and can focus our energy on the needs of an ND child.
Hadn’t thought of that, but that’s another obvious plus.

I hate the whole "you chose this life" attitude too. My mum says it to me. Yes I did. But does that mean I'm not allowed to find it hard?? People choose all sorts and either find it hard or change it.. marriages, careers.. why is children the only thing people aren't allowed to find hard without someone saying you chose this??
If your best friend told you she was getting a divorce would you say "well, you chose to marry him?" Great. So we're never allowed to make wrong choices or find the paths we chose hard are we? Bore off.

I think your youngest is at a really difficult age tbh . I found that toddler stage really really hard , you can’t even sit down for 5 mins. You also have quite a big gap so different needs to juggle there . I have three dcs , my dh is and was brilliant but also I had no other help from family etc so while he was working and he was away a lot I was alone .
Mine are all older now and I definitely find it easier , mine were all bad sleepers for years so that is a big reason why it’s easier tbh !! I can clean lots now , chill more when I’m tired , when they were small they were all extremely active and climbing the walls by 9am most mornings.
But other things are more difficult ; far bigger workload of cleaning, washing and cooking ( mine are all really sporty but also huge appetites). I work more but there’s less childcare available than when they were small; much longer holidays etc.
I have more time for the gym and sleep - this was a huge issues as at two mine were all waking loads , I’d say I had 8 years of sleep deprivation and that’s no exaggeration.
It’s much easier to go out and about when they are small (not for practical things like shopping etc!) like walks , playgrounds - now my kids are older it’s so much harder to get them out to go on walks , fresh air etc and actually I find this really hard with the long holidays here …
With a two year old you are prob better off getting out a lot tbh as it’s so difficult at home keeping them occupied, then try and have some downtime when they nap.
Sleep , extra vits , exercise and decent food is key here. I do think it gets easier but I’m just a year off the start of the teen years , I have 3 boys so possibly might be easier re teen years but then again probably not , who knows ! I’m quite worried as so many tell me it’s so hard and and tbh I didn’t find it that easy so far as all of mine are quite highly strung and active so I found it quite exhausting tbh , thankfully they are pouring that energy into sports and that very much helps them and us.

My DH is great, more than pulls his weight and always puts us first. If anything he's more of a natural parent than I am. He actually enjoys all the bits of parenthood that I find tricky. I also have parents who live locally and are really supportive. I have always worked with kids so thought I knew better than most what I was letting myself in for, but I have found parenthood much, much harder than I anticipated. I love my children fiercely, but if I could go back in time I'm not 100% sure I'd make the same choices again.

No one can tell you how hard or easy you're going to find it. Parenthood is a leap of faith.

I agree re the ridiculousness of these comments “what did you expect “ etc .
Pre- kids I actually minded very small dcs regularly as my sister had kids before me and I’m also a secondary school teacher and I worked in prus in the uk when I lived there and I am used to dealing with actually v challenging behaviour.
In no way did this prepare me . I think having no family support has actually helped me long term though as I’m well able to cope alone (whereas I actually notice other parents struggling if they don’t have their usual support around them ).. I overall love being a parent , my dcs are really wonderful and interesting people , it’s actually made me more driven and focused and because mine are so active I’ve gotten really fit , much fitter than pre kids so I definitely don’t find it all negative. But yes it’s very tiring and my dh and I don’t ever get away etc. It’s ok to find something very wonderful and worthwhile and very tiring and challenging at the same time.

A lot of it comes down to luck.
Different stages of parenting bring different issues.
When they are babies or toddlers you can't resonate with people who have experience of older/adult children telling you it doesn't necessarily get easier.
Mine are young adults now and it's a huge relief to be honest. My husband died whilst they were young, it's been a long hard road. I've had many issues a lot of parents have no experience of.
My advice would be stay open minded because you have no idea what life will throw at you.

My ND child has benefited hugely in many ways from having a sibling. Others may not, as the saying goes if you've met one ND person, you've met one ND person. It's not helpful to generalise. I also know plenty of people with NT children who have found parenting hugely challenging. You don't know who your children are going to be, what they're going to need from you, ultimately if you're going to have them you've got to accept that there are a lot of things not within your control.

Ignore the feckers kicking you while you're down and saying it only gets worse. Awful comments designed to make themselves feel better at your expense.

These ages and this age gap is tough, no doubt about it, but they will get more independent and rational as they get older, which will only help!

In my experience, however, jettisoning my awful ex has meant I have EOW to myself, which has been a godsend. No deadweight around the house, either. Win win.

When I see pregnant women I don't think congratulations, I think 'well that was a stupid thing to do wasn't it!'

disclaimer...I don't actually say this and I do love my kids...blah blah blah

that is such a weird thing to think. why would it make us feel better to say that we have found parenting hard all the way through teen years?? how is that kicking anyone? I thought this was a honest thread about how hard parenting is? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t know why it would make anyone feel better but the fact is it does - someone is exhausted and overwrought from toddlers and babies and they just always get followed around by a Greek chorus of parents of teens telling them gleefully how much worse it gets (but they never specify quite how)

We've just got one 3 (nearly 4) year old and for us just having 1 is fantastic! Logistically it makes things so much easier with scheduling and people being willing to babysit etc. We are also in a 2 vs 1 situation so can hand off to the other person if we need to, for some downtime. It does mean we spend more time playing with him than if he had a sibling but tbh I find him fascinating and quite enjoy the imaginative play! Plus he's a sociable little guy so he is always having playdates or making random park friends for company. Love it!

Yanbu - it is incredibly hard. Far harder than I expected!

mine are 4 years apart and it’s only now at 4 & 8 I can leave them together while I do a bit of housework. Taking them out is hard as they have different needs. They fight constantly!

it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I love them immensely but yes it is very difficult. I never know why people find this hard to believe or find it somehow unacceptable? Every parent I know finds it hard at times.

have your children reached teen years and beyond?

what I notice, is primary school aged parents saying yes it gets easier, it's all fluffy bunnies

and it's not 'fact' that it makes people feel better. that's entirely your interpretation. I commented to say it doesn't get easier, it changes. it didn't make me feel 'better' (about what?) in the slightest. I just find your comment hard to understand, how would you think that was motivation and how would it make anyone feel 'better', better about what? like it makes parenting easier??

I didn't factor in having a child with autism when I decided to have a baby. It's bloody hard work and relentless.

Vile excuse for a human being!!!

Honestly my advice is go back to work, it's so much easier than being a SAHM and I say this as someone who was a SAHM for 5 years and I really enjoyed it but omg working is SO MUCH EASIER!

I am willing to listen @MentholLoad but again you haven’t explained to me just what is so gruelling and awful about teens.

I was up half the night with a newborn and then DS (2) woke at 5, had a tantrum, trod on my c section scar and then pooed. All before 6.

I am obviously not saying there aren’t challenges to parenting teens but additional needs aside I’m not seeing it being quite as relentless. But as I’ve said, I am listening.

Does your sex pest partner work weekends or nights or change shift patterns, and this is the problem with booking a hair appointment? Or is he a dick head who won’t parent them on the weekends or ever?

Ditto why would you working weekends cost you in childcare – is he physically unavailable or is he refusing to parent them? (He’s not childcare! He’s the parent!) He’s responsible for 50% of childcare costs if you do want to work. And if you can both earn just enough to earn more than the cost of childcare, bills, rent etc, then you can outsource the cleaning, which is sometimes my sole purpose for slogging through a day at work.

I find two infinitely harder than one — it feels like more than double the work! Even though No2 is the easiest potato baby, he’s really read the baby books, you know? He sleeps, thrives off routine, loves food. But his needs and routine are still incompatible with the four year old’s. I thoroughly hate my day with the two of them and am shamefully looking forward to her starting school so I never have to parent them solo both at once; also aiming to stop breastfeeding at 12 months so I can hand the baby over to DP more and divide and conquer the pair of them.

I hear you on the laundry mountain. That’s DP’s problem though, he does laundry, food shop and bins. I do cleaning, tidying, admin. Things got a little easier for us recently when we sat down and worked through the household together and did a wholesale division of the labour. Plus assigned ourselves a child each for being responsible for wardrobe, shoes, hair washes, room tidying, etc. I’d say 99% of the problem here is your partner. Like, I still find this super hard but DP is in the trenches with me.

I don't really want to discuss the issues I have with my teens, with a hostile stranger online. I suppose that's one way it is different....the issues become much less generic than nappies and poo and breastfeeding etc. I also know from experience that parents of younger kids always think, well that will never be me/my kids. As a previous poster said 'they put the work in early, so the teen years were easy'. it doesn't work like that. if you are genuinely interested in raising teens there are plenty of Facebook groups/forums where parents go for mutual support

Your partner sounds like part of the problem.

Taking aside the unpleasant sex pest part of of his character, he doesn't seem to offer you any help or respite at all?

Parenting is hard. I have 3, DP and I now live separately and my youngest is disabled. Thankfully I work, the kids are all school age and I do have a strong support network (including DP whom was pretty useless when we lived together hence us not living together now!!)

I’m not hostile @MentholLoad . I’m very sympathetic. I just don’t think that all teens automatically are more exhausting, more relentless, allow you less free time, than preschool children.

That is a really terrible take.

Did you really think this post was helpful at all? Did you think it added anything other than judgemental, bitchy nonsense to the conversation?

It almost sounds like you’re mad the OP had sex and had kids. Why?

Attitudes like yours of “suck it up, buttercup,” are why so many women suffer in silence when they need help. When they have PND. When they’re finding it tough and relentless. if the op can’t be open and honest on an online forum, mainly populated by women and mothers, where can she be? Do you really expect women to sit down and shut up when they find something hard because oh well they chose it?

I don’t even have kids and I have more empathy for the OPs situation than you do.

Honestly, I think people forget how gruelling it is with young children and although I assume it's more emotionally challenging parenting a teen, it's the physical relentlessness of small children that makes it hard.

I was a bit of a handful as a teenager and so we're my niece and nephew but compared to the 2 hours sleep I used to get with high needs toddlers, whilst working full time in a stressful job travelling all over, sorting a house and with a useless abusive arsehole DH I cant imagine parenting teens is worse physically than that.

I'm not saying parenting of teens is easy by any stretch of the imagination but the sleep deprivation and the impacts of that isn't comparable. Emotionally yes, perhaps worse but I'm enjoying my primary aged kids and it HAS got easier, if it gets worse again then I'll get through it.

All of this is caveat with not SEN/ND children.