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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I paying too much to live at my partners house?

157 replies

RJCHelp · 09/08/2023 14:32

At the beginning of the year I moved into my partners house and I offered that I would pay £600 per month (not including food, I contribute separately to this). I came to this number as this was the amount I used to pay for my mortgage + service charge at my flat.

I have since found out that his bills (utilities only) total £800 per month but in recent months, he has been reducing these e.g cancelling sky and moving onto a cheaper energy tarriff (his electric car sucks most of the energy!) so essentially, I am paying for more than 50% of the bills here and he always said prior to me moving in that he didn’t need any help with the mortgage… HOWEVER I am better off than when I was living at my flat (£725 pre inflation) 🙁.

Do you think my contribution is too much? I am essentially paying £200 towards his mortgage here…

Please help x

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2023 14:34

Interesting that your paying half but he's in charge of cancelling utilities.

And no, it isn't a good idea to subsidise him.

DNo · 09/08/2023 14:36

I've never understood why people are so against paying rent to someone they share their lives with who happen to own their home.

If you lived anywhere else you wouldn't think twice about paying towards someone's mortgage i.e. landlords. Why would you feel differently paying someone you love to live in and share their home?

If you thought that was a fair payment when you moved in why would you change it?

flipent · 09/08/2023 14:37

This is absolutely not ok.
Your previous outgoings have no bearing on the amount you should pay now.
The amount should be based on the total costs and fairly split (which could include a different split on the electric bill because of his car).

He's absolutely laughing at the moment. I'd be fuming that he allowed this situation happen and continue - but you need to wise up. You've let him walk all over you.

flipent · 09/08/2023 14:40

Sorry - I miss read the initial post.

Nothing wrong with contributing to the mortgage. I stand by my original statement that you need to look at the outgoings in this property / relationship and come up with a figure. Nothing to do with what you used to pay.

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 14:41

What is your legal position if he asks you to leave or you split up?

TaigaSno · 09/08/2023 14:41

Instead of offering to pay an amount based on what you paid to live somewhere else, you should have worked out together what half of the costs actually are and paid that amount.
It's not too late to do that. Make a list of the outgoing payments and pay half of them.

Tothemoonandbackx · 09/08/2023 14:43

I'm in the process of letting my partner move in with me, no way would I have let him offer to pay more than what was fair/equal to both of us. It should ideally have been discussed before you moved in. Nothing to stop you saying that you think you need a proper discussion about finances moving forward.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 09/08/2023 14:44

You're not a rent paying lodger, your are I assume a potential life partner? On that basis, for now I think you should be paying half the running cost. If you're paying more than that, then surely that would count as paying towards the mortgage and therefore give you some claim on the house going forward? I'm guessing that's not what he wants at the moment, going by his comment about not needing help with the mortgage. If you decide the arrangement is going to be permanent, then have a rethink at that point?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2023 14:46

If you lived anywhere else you wouldn't think twice about paying towards someone's mortgage i.e. landlords. Why would you feel differently paying someone you love to live in and share their home?

Because it's not a business relationship. And she would be paying for him to acquire an asset. Unless she's going on the deeds proportionately. If that's the plan, great. If it's not, she needs to protect herself as well. She'll need savings if she doesn't have property.

OP is he generally cheap?

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/08/2023 14:50

£800 per month just for utilities? How much is his mortgage?

catsnhats11 · 09/08/2023 14:50

In allowing you to pay "rent" he is giving you an interest/claim in his property should you split so more fool him. IMO you should contribute a fair share of bills/food but he shouldn't be making a profit from you, and you shouldn't be paying towards his mortgage. Is he tight with money in other ways?

OhComeOnFFS · 09/08/2023 14:54

What happened to your own home and mortgage?

Original poster
RJCHelp · 09/08/2023 14:55

No, quite the opposite in fact! He was always quite frivolous with money up until the last few months (where it has been tough for everyone). He earns a VERY good salary. But I definitely need to have the chat with him to understand the monthly outgoings and protect myself as you have all said :(

OP posts:
Original poster
RJCHelp · 09/08/2023 14:56

It is rented, but barely any profit is made.

OP posts:
Forgoodnesssakewhatnow · 09/08/2023 15:00

£800 utilities is very high.

And if you offered £600 originally, surely you knew that was more than half of the utilities? Were you okay with the idea of contributing to the mortgage then?

Codlingmoths · 09/08/2023 15:02

DNo · 09/08/2023 14:36

I've never understood why people are so against paying rent to someone they share their lives with who happen to own their home.

If you lived anywhere else you wouldn't think twice about paying towards someone's mortgage i.e. landlords. Why would you feel differently paying someone you love to live in and share their home?

If you thought that was a fair payment when you moved in why would you change it?

  1. I’d have rights if I rented. In someone’s house he can boot me out tomorrow. That is of significant value.
  2. i wouldn’t have to share a bedroom!
Member589500 · 09/08/2023 15:03

Personally I would be fine with paying that. It’s cheaper for you and he makes something too. Unless and until you commit to each other via marriage why should he subsidise you? His outgoings may be low but he will have equity in the house that you haven’t paid towards.

I would think he should be generous in other ways if he has more spare cash but that’s a separate issue.
£600 for rent and bills is OK.

muchalover · 09/08/2023 15:06

Having these conversations before you move in and put all your vulnerabilities in one basket is vital.

Transparency with finances, challenging conversations about expectations, savings, splitting of bills, and the division of labour etc are important so that you know what was offered and can compare it to what actually happens once nested. Decisions can be then based on this rather than negotiation when your are already vulnerable and dependent for a roof over your head.

If it's not your house then having a pre-planned exit strategy is a worthwhile consideration. The worst that happens is that you never need it.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/08/2023 15:09

What would give me the 'Ick' here is him charging you £600 pounds whilst sneakily cancelling and reducing tariffs and subscriptions and saving himself a pretty penny. And on a good salary too, he sounds sneaky and tight

telestrations · 09/08/2023 15:10

If you're not happy with this or him or the relationship just leave rather then quibble over rent and bills but £200pm rent if the rest is your half of bills is very good

Yes you are paying some of his mortgage, while your tenants are paying all of yours. It's called rent

You could ask that you pay x as rent and then exactly 50% of bills which may lower it but could also increase

WallaceinAnderland · 09/08/2023 15:10

It's different if you are a lodger or a partner.

If you are a partner, as in a committed couple that work together as a partnership, you should sit down together, work out all the income and all the outgoings and each pay a percentage of your income enough to cover everything.

Whatever is left is your own.

PrrrplePineapple · 09/08/2023 15:10

DNo · 09/08/2023 14:36

I've never understood why people are so against paying rent to someone they share their lives with who happen to own their home.

If you lived anywhere else you wouldn't think twice about paying towards someone's mortgage i.e. landlords. Why would you feel differently paying someone you love to live in and share their home?

If you thought that was a fair payment when you moved in why would you change it?

Because you're in a potentially lifelong partnership, and therefore unless it's specifically agreed that one person will subsidise the other, why should one subsidise the other? As it's a partnership relationship, why wouldn't people work out an equitable solution that's financially beneficial to both parties? Otherwise you may as well stay living separately...

x2boys · 09/08/2023 15:14

Mumsnet is so hypocritical.if a man didn't pay anything to live in his partners home he would be called a cocklodger,but because a women is pay to live in their partners home she's subsidising him🙄

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/08/2023 15:19

I think half the bills plus rent is ok...but rent should be based on half the cost of a room in a shared house less an amount for having no 'rights' therefore should be nominal only

BoohooWoohoo · 09/08/2023 15:20

If he was paying towards her mortgage then she'd be told not to take that money as he's creating an interest in her property should they split. He'd be told to invest in a buy to let or save the money so he had a deposit for when they were ready to buy together.
Living as a partner rather than tenant means that he could kick her out immediately as opposed to a tenant who would have rights like a notice period.