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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I paying too much to live at my partners house?

157 replies

RJCHelp · 09/08/2023 14:32

At the beginning of the year I moved into my partners house and I offered that I would pay £600 per month (not including food, I contribute separately to this). I came to this number as this was the amount I used to pay for my mortgage + service charge at my flat.

I have since found out that his bills (utilities only) total £800 per month but in recent months, he has been reducing these e.g cancelling sky and moving onto a cheaper energy tarriff (his electric car sucks most of the energy!) so essentially, I am paying for more than 50% of the bills here and he always said prior to me moving in that he didn’t need any help with the mortgage… HOWEVER I am better off than when I was living at my flat (£725 pre inflation) 🙁.

Do you think my contribution is too much? I am essentially paying £200 towards his mortgage here…

Please help x

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 09/08/2023 15:21

Isn’t the £200 you’re paying towards his mortgage your rent?

BoohooWoohoo · 09/08/2023 15:21

I agree that it's shady behaviour to cut bills and not suggest that OP pays less too.

willWillSmithsmith · 09/08/2023 15:22

TaigaSno · 09/08/2023 14:41

Instead of offering to pay an amount based on what you paid to live somewhere else, you should have worked out together what half of the costs actually are and paid that amount.
It's not too late to do that. Make a list of the outgoing payments and pay half of them.

Plus rent.

Forgoodnesssakewhatnow · 09/08/2023 15:22

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/08/2023 15:19

I think half the bills plus rent is ok...but rent should be based on half the cost of a room in a shared house less an amount for having no 'rights' therefore should be nominal only

I agree. And £200 seems fair to me.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/08/2023 15:27

He's taking advantage of you, and if he's cancelling and moving to cheaper tariffs he knows this
Your previous costs are irrelevant as this is his property with his name on the deeds
He is leaving you vulnerable to homelessness if you split, unless you keep your own property
How serious is your relationship?
Do you have future plans?
Do not pay for any renovations or improvements on his property unless he is happy to add you to the deeds

Toprepandhowmuch · 09/08/2023 15:30

You are paying half utilities, plus a tiny rent of £200 p/m.

I think you’ve got a very good deal.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/08/2023 15:34

Sorry I missed that you are paying £200 rent, in which case I think that's fine it's also fine that of course he is paying his mortgage with this!
You are still vulnerable if you split obviously

telestrations · 09/08/2023 15:34

x2boys · 09/08/2023 15:14

Mumsnet is so hypocritical.if a man didn't pay anything to live in his partners home he would be called a cocklodger,but because a women is pay to live in their partners home she's subsidising him🙄

Exactly.

I think the real issue here might be that OP feels he is being sneaky but cutting and changing things and not passing that on, maybe even not telling her. And that's totally fair. Moving in together prior to marriage and kids is the dress rehearsal

But he's also sussing her out and trying to not set the wrong precedent too. A lot of men, particularly high earning ones, are very wary of women.

Something along the lines of "hey I'm happy to contribute but I don't feel you're treating me like a partner by not sharing information and decisions with me, and I moved in with you to be that"

Sheruns · 09/08/2023 15:37

Seems like you're paying too much imo. When my partner moved in with me, the amount we decided on was not based on his previous living costs. We added up all utilities and council tax etc and divided it by two. As for rent, my mortgage was 450 a month and he paid 200 in "rent" to me because we felt that was a reasonable fee and obviously much better value than he was getting renting alone. We did have a solicitor draw up a cohabitation agreement which basically said what he was paying was bills and effectively lodger rent so he had no stake in the house. These agreements aren't fool proof but evidential in the event things went to court. I have children from a previous relationship so I needed to protect their interests.

Pufflebow · 09/08/2023 15:37

Imagine you were him.
would you let him contribute over 50% of the bills?
why is he happy to take advantage of you like that

OnlyFannys · 09/08/2023 16:29

That's crackers, my boyfriend moved in and I have asked him for 600 including food, petrol etc. I earn double what he does so he just pays 1/3 of any shared costs and that would be reduced or increased as costs go up. Slightly different scenario here tho as I'm shared ownership so I only ask did work it out as a proportion of the rent element as I don't think its fair he contributes to the mortgage element.

Underestimated4 · 10/08/2023 17:03

I presume he wants to continue the house being ‘just his’ hence not wanting you to pay towards mortgage. So my opinion is the bills should be 50:50.

millymollymoomoo · 10/08/2023 17:11

So you’re happy to rent your own house out where presumably someone is paying 100% if all utilities and 100% if your mortgage but don’t like paying a few hundred quid ( exc share of utilities) rent to live in your boyfriends house ??

sounds hypocritical ime

also you don’t need to protect yourself as you already have your own home, of which your mortgage is 100% currently being paid for by someone else

YaWeeFurryBastard · 10/08/2023 17:22

Sheruns · 09/08/2023 15:37

Seems like you're paying too much imo. When my partner moved in with me, the amount we decided on was not based on his previous living costs. We added up all utilities and council tax etc and divided it by two. As for rent, my mortgage was 450 a month and he paid 200 in "rent" to me because we felt that was a reasonable fee and obviously much better value than he was getting renting alone. We did have a solicitor draw up a cohabitation agreement which basically said what he was paying was bills and effectively lodger rent so he had no stake in the house. These agreements aren't fool proof but evidential in the event things went to court. I have children from a previous relationship so I needed to protect their interests.

So it’s fine for your partner to pay you £200 a month in rent but not for the OP to pay that :S

Sheruns · 10/08/2023 17:25

Op is paying presumably more than that and an amount linked to her previous living costs. It makes no sense to pay an amount linked to previous home costs. Surely it should be linked to the cost of keeping the joint home?

HauntedPencil · 10/08/2023 17:30

If your mortgage is being totally covers by rent, then I think it could be fair to make a contribution to his, as he's paying a full mortgage plus (should be) half bills.

Crimeismymiddlename · 10/08/2023 17:31

£600 is fine. That was the rent on my old studio and some people pay more than this for a house share. The rent is not just for bills it’s for the upkeep of the space etc. if someone moved in with me I would ask for £500/£600 as the bills would be a lot more, I would lose the single person element on council tax, that and my carpets/furniture/white goods will be doubled in use and may need replacing more often.
However, I can see why you are miffed he is fucking about with the bills to make them cheaper, not for you, for him it’s a bit like you have moved in to make his life cheaper rather than being in love with you.

anywherehollie · 10/08/2023 17:37

If you pay towards the mortgage (and can evidence this) you are likely to have a beneficial interest in his property so...if u split up remember this!

FlossOnTheMill · 10/08/2023 17:37

How committed is your relationship, @RJCHelp ?
Is there a disparity in incomes?
What's the long-term plan? Children?
Do you have a Plan B, aka an exit strategy ?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 10/08/2023 17:38

Sheruns · 10/08/2023 17:25

Op is paying presumably more than that and an amount linked to her previous living costs. It makes no sense to pay an amount linked to previous home costs. Surely it should be linked to the cost of keeping the joint home?

No she’s not? She pays £600, £400 is half the bills so the rent is £200 it’s right there in the OP. She also states her mortgage is covered by rental income.

FlossOnTheMill · 10/08/2023 17:38

anywherehollie · 10/08/2023 17:37

If you pay towards the mortgage (and can evidence this) you are likely to have a beneficial interest in his property so...if u split up remember this!

VERY difficult to prove beneficial interest!
I'd not want to rely on that...

mathanxiety · 10/08/2023 17:39

I voted that you were being unreasonable, mainly because there is no option to click on 'You are being taken for a ride'.

You are unreasonable to be helping your 'partner' building wealth with no legal obligation to compensate you for that if the relationship goes tits up.

Move out again. This man is using you.

jeaux90 · 10/08/2023 17:42

I'd be negotiating that back down and saving to make my own capital investment. You need to buy your own place.

JaukiVexnoydi · 10/08/2023 18:07

Tacking the amount you pay to the amount you used to pay into a mortgage was a mistake, as is obvious if you just think about the value of what they money was buying you.

When you were paying into your own mortgage you were buying exclusive rights and a stable home, with your money eventually buying the whole property outright after 25/30 years.

In your current situation you have less security than a lodger. At least a lodger gets 2 weeks notice if the home owner wants them gone - if your relationship ends you become instantly homeless.

I would find out what the going rate is for a lodger renting a double room from a home owner in your area (specifically under lodger terms without an Assured Shorthold Tenancy and inclusive of all bills. Half that amount (because you are only getting the use of half a bedroom not a whole room of your own) or at maximum maybe 66% of it as you are getting better access to communal areas than a lodger - would be a more reasonable amount to pay. The difference between that and the mortgage you used to pay should be going into savings in your sole name to give you some stability for the future.

6WeekCountdown · 10/08/2023 18:21

£600 total living costs, you're laughing aren't you. So what if you pay some rent, gosh my husband was paying his parents rent at home and they'd been mortgage free over a decade. Why should your boyfriend cover the mortgage and allow you to live there free, £200 rent is a tiny amount to pay. There'll be wear and tear from you living there, I'm amazed you think you should get a rent free ride.