SAHP struggling during 6 weeks, sign of a bad parent?

[Theymisheardme]

The school holidays are meant to be the best part of the kids year - no school for weeks on end, parents able to be now flexible and relaxed if they can get time off or if they don't even work to start with. SAHP especially should live the 6 weeks with its break from routine.

So aibu to think that if you find the 6 weeks really hard and you're struggling, even when say one of your kids is in activity clubs, that you're actually a shit Mom? I mean how is it harder when you can just do what you want with them? And when they're at school for hours on end, what kind of Mom doesn't e joy the bonus time together. They grow up so quick, why would you want to wish that away?

Okay, just realised that you are talking about yourself (sorry, didn't RTFT). Honestly, unless a parent is being abusive or neglectful, I don't think there is such a thing as a shit mum/dad. Just one who is finding things difficult at that moment. Holidays are notoriously harder, the lack of routine, school, constant demands and keeping them occupied, is hard work. I only one child and was a single parent. When DS started school, I couldn't wait for the first school holiday, I thought life would be so relaxed but it was relentless - couldn't wait for it to end. It has to be so much harder with 3.

How old are your twins?

It sounds like they’re at the age where they literally do not stop and so anyone would find 6 weeks challenging.

Just try and make life as easy as you can.
Wake up, have breakfast, then go for a long walk/to the park and come home and stick a movie on whilst you have a quick tidy up or just relax on the sofa.
After the movie they can play with their toys or do something crafty together and then once their in bed just have a quick tidy up.

Have you spoken to your DH about it?

He needs to be taking over childcare as soon as he gets in so you can go and have a mental break from them, even if it’s just an hour going for a walk or having a bath or lying on your bed.
Then you can both play with them and then both put them to bed and both tidy up.

@Theymisheardme you have preschool twins? Are they by any chance 3? Because DS at 3 nearly had me on the drink. It was AWFUL. It’s the age.

Also, this voice in your head telling you you are shit is massively massively unreasonable. It is Peak Hard right now for you, it will get better. You need to be kind to yourself and others and leave that horrible judgemental voice in the bin. Everyone fed, nobody dead? Success!

You're not a shit mom! The 6 weeks are mentally draining. Mine hate each other at the moment so I'm constantly refereeing. I'm sick to death of it and will welcome September with open arms

The other mindset shift that helped was realising that their holiday is not my holiday; it’s actually the hardest time of my year.

I think that’s a really helpful way of looking at it - knowing that it’s expected to be more tricky for parents for lots of reasons saves the “everyone else is having a good time” beating we give ourselves. My “holiday” happens at a different time, this is work time for me.

You know the song "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"? There's a line in it that goes "🎼and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again! 🎼". It was true in 1951 (when most mothers were SAHM) and it's true now.

Most of us breathe a sigh of relief when we can sink back into our usual rut in September. Hopefully with some good summer memories, but it takes an effort to achieve them.

Trying saying that with a nearly 4yr old who’s bouncing of the walls from 7am-11pm every day. Doesn’t matter if he has been playing in the garden, park or out walking for miles

Sorry op just read through your comments. I thought you were talking about other people. My youngest is 1 and is already to copy everything big bro does. Not the same as having twins but i feel for you. Don’t be so hard on yourself

So, you atre doing everything you normally do, with the addition of an older child, who is exhausted after a year of school, excited by the thought of the holidays, and have just sat through 2 weeks of pretty much solid rain?
I'm wouldn't be at all surprised if everyone was climbing the walls!
Give yourself a break, and have some self belief.
You are doing just fine.

If you're a shit Mum then so am I OP. I work too and I'm away from them 3 days of the week (work shifts). The remaining 4 days, they end up pissing me off at some point. The constant snack requests, the constant 'I'm bored', the fact that unless you're spending a fortune on them they're not happy and even when you are spending a fortune, they still find something to moan about. My kids are really good kids too, but they're still annoying! I've stopped caring, I do my best and thats enough as far as I'm concerned. Kids are fed, clothed and loved. If I'm a bit grumpy after a day with them, so be it.

I don't think this self flagellation is at a ok helping @OP!

Instead of "bad mum" - how about today's a day I'm struggling with it all and I feel bad about it all.

Instead of "good mum" - todays a good day and I feels ok about it all.

After all - on both days you are in fact the same "mum".

I must be a terrible Mum then. I’ve found the holidays really hard work, but the weather has really not helped. I don’t work, we have no money problems, big house and garden and there’s been a few times I’ve been at boiling point quite honestly. Do I love sitting in parks in the rain? Nah I really don’t. Do I love constantly clearing up painting, play-doh, loom bands, beads, felt tips? Nope. Constant rowing with their siblings. It’s endless and not remotely joyful. Days out at local attractions are £70 to get in, either spend another £30 on lunch or take a packed lunch and eat it in the shitting down rain. I’ve baked cakes, made dens, done bike rides, dog walks, visited Granny etc. My children have had a lovely time and we are escaping on our summer holiday tomorrow where they can play happily in a pool for 2 weeks, but to say it’s been lovely is a stretch, for me at least. Just bloody hard work and I’m sick of hearing my own voice. I’m in a fortunate position and at times could explode, I don’t know how some people manage with limited funds, space and no partner.

You want people to be absolutely sure they are a shit mum? Surely this is an intentionally goady thread and should be repeated as such?

*reported

I absolutely wouldn’t describe twin pre-schoolers as an easy gig. In fact it must be one of the toughest gigs going!

I hated summer hols when mine were young, it's hard work! Much nicer when they're older and can entertain themselves. But then you miss it when they don't want to hang out with you anymore. You can't win

I find it hard. I don't think I'm a shit mum though. I think for me, the lack of routine mentally takes me back to the baby/toddler days when I was incredibly isolated with DCs a little over a year apart, my marriage was abusive/ falling apart and every day was such an incredible slog. Routine/school saved me from that. I finally got my sanity back after years of misery and the school holidays reignite those unpleasant feelings - money is also incredibly tight this year and the weather where I live has been dismal so there's been more time than ever spent at home. Over time these feelings are lessening thankfully, but the structure and scaffolding of the school week will always be preferable to me I imagine.

You’re not a shit mum. My twins are 2 and older one is 4, all boys, no one sits still for long, it’s really shit. We went out today and had to leave the softplay because my oldest punched one of the younger ones and went ballistic when I put him on time out. It was so embarrassing and I cried the whole way home. You’re doing the best you can in challenging circumstances. It’s really hard when it seems like everyone is coping so wel and their kids are much easier, I’m sure that’s not the case though. Best wishes OP

3.5. they started 30 hours Easter past

sending hugs Star. I left the craft museum in tears yesterday and had to go to back today. i felt so stupid and i apologised, and she was so lovely, said she'd been there - leaving places in tears over the kids! I imagine her kids are probably into their teens at least, she seemed all chilled and together, it made me feel better,

Today was better, didn't want to explode until home time! What hasn't helped is eldest is in club so this week drop off at 10, (left at 9, two buses) and picked up at 4 (home 5-5.30) so we've just been trying to fill the time. Last week it was 1-5 so out 11.30 til gone 6. It's just hard to keep them entertained when i can't afford endless softplay (£7 each! before they even want a snack!). No time really to come home, just prolongs the time we're on the bus which is the harder part.
And the back door has been broken for a week so i couldn't even send them out into the garden when we ARE home, smalls can't be trusted upstairs to play, it's just felt so intense.
And then i think of the comments like "well i eye roll when SAHPs moan abouthaving to be with their children" and threads about how Brits are the worst this and that and can't want to send their badly behaved kids to bed early and can't wait for September to be rid of their kids, and it feels like its about me. Like i see everyone else just sashaying past in bucolic splendour and i think why can't that be me?

Today the twins we're loud and playful, i'd say a 4 on the annoting scale and i overheard an old woman say disdainfully "i wouldn't want to be in their house!" and it feels like she pity's my kids that they have to have me as a mother.

sorry i missed this, yes a little bit but because of their age its quite light touch. they're in school nursery so its the same SLT my older son sees so i know if they don't get there even by the end of nursery, the care will roll with them

OP when I tell people what I do for a job their reaction is usually , Christ I couldn't do that, it's notorious for being high stress with huge emotional and psychological impact. I chose to go back to work because it's easier than being at home with one child, let alone three.
Give yourself a break. Children are relentless.

The summer holidays are the absolute test of a family’s patience. The bickering of the kids, tiredness, impatience, not all wanting to do the same thing, eat, sleep at the same time. It’s hell as often as it’s heaven. DH takes the last two weeks off work as by then I’ve seriously had enough! Only Mary Poppins could enjoy 6 or 7 weeks of summer holidays and still have a smile on her face.

I work full time and there are no kids camps where we live. So working and doing stuff with the kids and doing neither job well reminds me of lockdown. I am tired and frazzled.
We had one week away camping and that was more relaxing despite the rain. Atleast I wasn't trying to work at the same time..

OP nothing you have said suggests shit mum to me. You're doing a great job. Of course the girls are 'harder', there's 2 of them! Kids get bored in the holidays and it's grating to hear them moan. You're doing just fine, give yourself a break.