SAHP struggling during 6 weeks, sign of a bad parent?

[Theymisheardme]

The school holidays are meant to be the best part of the kids year - no school for weeks on end, parents able to be now flexible and relaxed if they can get time off or if they don't even work to start with. SAHP especially should live the 6 weeks with its break from routine.

So aibu to think that if you find the 6 weeks really hard and you're struggling, even when say one of your kids is in activity clubs, that you're actually a shit Mom? I mean how is it harder when you can just do what you want with them? And when they're at school for hours on end, what kind of Mom doesn't e joy the bonus time together. They grow up so quick, why would you want to wish that away?

How old are your twins, love?

I’m a pretty good mum. I found the six week holidays a bit rough. I need - always have needed - a small parcel of time to decompress every day and be by myself. And be the best mum to my kids. The summer holidays don’t allow that when your kids are small.

Plus the phases where they would start an argument in an empty room are draining. The kids are older now and by the end of the holidays they are very crabby / bored.

You are doing your best. Are they seeing SLT for the speech delay?

I found preschoolers difficult in the school holiday as they still get up really early and all their normal classes or activities are cancelled (due to the school holidays).

Older children were easier. Plus you have twins!

If you're finding the preschoolers difficult, look for a camp for them to go to. Playball do from over 3 and often nurseries have holiday provision. Then you can take your older child on a nice activity, either with his friends or just the two of you.

Op go easy on yourself. Kids are hard!!

Oh you're not shit @Theymisheardme. It's tough being out of routine and trying to juggle new routines and young children.

I don’t think anyone’s feelings about the holidays make them a bad parent.

All aspects of parenting can be really hard.

I think there can be an aspect of “read the room” though - if a SAHM who is not struggling for money at all is moaning about the hols (although how would you know their finances?) that could be a bit rude if they’re speaking to a working parent who is struggling to cover the hols with enough childcare, but would love to be at the time for their kids. Or someone who can’t afford even the train fair for days out etc

There are all kinds of things that can make it difficult. Some children are just harder to keep entertained and well-behaved than others, and that's not always down to diagnosable needs or shit parenting imo. Sometimes it's just the luck of the draw - children vary, as do personal circumstances and ability to cope.

Twin pre-schoolers are hard work - I can’t see any evidence of you being a shit mum. It might help to know that from the outside looking in there will be mums wondering how you do it all so well and keep your sanity. Kids aren’t obedient, they’re kids, they need constant reminding and prompting to behave well and pre-schoolers don’t have the experience of being in school and the socialisation that goes with it.

Give yourself a break, my kids are back to school in 7 days and 9 minutes time. It cannot come quickly enough.

I love the school holidays but I suspect have very low standards. I am ok with a couple of days a week spent on screens and not getting dressed (they are only expected to come off and go in the garden or play for an hour or so at some point) and shit oven dinners - nuggets, pizza, pasta bake. We do have National Trust membership and a summer pass for an extremely local farm though so we do those every week, plus 2 or 3 Grouponed big days out when DH has a day off.

I have 4 primary aged kids and can often be heard saying things like "it's just a bit of rough housing, it's good for you!" Unless the dynamic has turned and one is being picked on, or someone's actively hurt, I just don't really get involved. Takes a week to settle into school holidays here but we are all relishing it now. Not all time together has to be quality time, quantity time is ok too.

You're not a shit mum. If you were you wouldn't care. It's worth remembering that small children are like mirrors of your own mood so if you're not feeling tiptop the day is always going to tank. You have to fake being cheery mum with obedient kids like the ones you see around (who are, for the most part, faking it) until you make it. That is, unless you can do something to actually cheer yourself up which I'm guessing is a no in the six week holidays. Those moments when everything feels dismal and impossible - change something immediately. Outside is always best so go out if you're in! Bath time is any time in the school holidays (if they like baths). If all else fails, put music on and dance around together.

There's a difference between finding something hard, and hating every minute of it.

Also, parents who loved every second of the primary school years don't necessarily feel the same once they hit the teenage years! No one bats an eyelid if parents say they struggle with teenagers- I don't know why we demonise parents who struggle with younger kids.

I think everyone finds the summer holidays tough, in a way I think it’s harder for SAHPs. Sometimes when I am on the train into work with a coffee I think thank god for that, I don’t know how people do it who never get time off from their kids. I love my time with my kids about 70% of the time, but 30% is definitely painful, marshalling fights, trying to get them off screens, listening to moaning about nothing. And my kids are older than yours and so don’t have twins. When they were little I remember some horrible days out when they moaned constantly or behaved like brats and I couldn’t wait to get home. Plus because I work we pay for a cleaner and some pretty fun holiday clubs so we’re lucky.

I think it sounds like you’re being hard on yourself. It sounds like you’re doing your best. Maybe try and think about a few things you can change to make things easier for everyone. My kids were absolutely not sit still and watch types so we really only did activities which were active, like parks, climbing, etc (and swimming if both of us could go). We also got lots of equipment at home they could use like a trampoline, climbing frame, swings, ball games etc. It’s still hard mind you! And make sure you get some time for yourself outside the house, ideally a coffee or a swim but even a late night walk can do wonders. Once you’re feeling more resilient yourself you’ll deal with everything more easily.

Oooft I’m a SAHM who loves the school holidays and finds it strange when parents are counting down to when school goes back but Christ it’s a bit harsh to say that makes them a shit mum! Everyone’s different 🤷🏻‍♀️
I have younger ones at home so am not used to a ‘break’ from kids during term time (it’s only my eldest in school so far) but I do think those who struggle most are the ones who aren’t used to being around their kids all the time. So maybe I’m just not there yet! 😂

I love my kids very much and enjoy spending time with them but money is tight which means they get bored at home when the weather is rubbish and have no family to ever have them so it’s all on me. Doesn’t mean I’m a shit mum at all, infact I’d like to think I’m quite the opposite, I think you should take a long hard look at yourself for judging others so harshly, it’s not a nice trait.

I am on the fence on this one...but not at all saying anyone is a terrible mum! I fully understand that parenting is hard and can be quite challenging at times. The 6 weeks is a long time, especially because routine is out the window etc.
However, I do find it frustrating when parents say they can't wait for school to start again, sometimes after a week or so of their children being off. At the end of the day, children are a choice and with that choice we have to take the highs and the lows and muddle through the trickier times as best we can. And the most frustrating is those parents who can't wait for school to start...but then don't think twice about teacher bashing! 🙄

I don't think in any way you are a bad mum for finding the summer holidays difficult.

I'm not a SAHM but I am off with the kids for the summer. Of course I love them to bits and we have had some lovely days baking, painting and going to the park. We've sung songs and read books.
I've also spent a huge amount of time trying to stop them killing themselves and each other. I spent at least 2 hours on Monday stopping them climbing on the windowsill so that they could jump on the sofa from it. Even one of them missing the sofa and hurting her leg didn't stop them. We had to leave a cafe on Friday because the youngest was smashing his cup on a table and every-time I took it away from him he screamed blue murder. Frankly I couldn't take the looks from the other tables anymore. And trying to get them to walk where we need to go is like herding cats sometimes.
We have good days and bad days. Some I don't want them to go to bed because I've enjoyed their company so much, others I get to the end of the day and I'm not sure how I survived till bed time.

Kids need that time away from formal education, but they still need to be learning about themselves and the world.

If parents just see it as an inconvenience and too difficult to manage, it'll be a chore and get them nowhere.

Six (or seven or eight) week half terms at school are tiring and challenging for kids too.

Maybe you’re just not suited to be a SAHP? I don’t think most people are.

Twin pre schoolers plus an older one sounds hard to me OP! It will get better, 3yo ish is a tricky age, I think things will be much easier for you in a year or two.

focus on some external pain

You're self harming to deal with the wails and whing.es?

1. Get ear filters. You'll still be able to hear some of it, so they won't be at risk of not being heard/in danger, but the tooth grinding pain of the highest pitches getting into your head won't be there.
2. Make as urgent an appointment with your GP as you can possibly get. It could be depression/anxiety, it could be that you are neurodiverse and therefore the noise and movement and mess and the whining is putting you under far greater stress - but whatever the cause, you are self harming, which is not the sign of a shit Mum, it's a sign of somebody who needs help

Is the dad shit too, or just the mum?

Of course it doesn't make you a bad mum if you struggle. It's clear from MN that lots of parents struggle in school holidays and I'm sure they aren't all shit parents. Some people find a departure from the regular routine difficult. Some people struggle because they don't have the cash to do anything. Some people struggle because their kids are just bloody hard work!

If you really don't enjoy time at home with your kids, I guess I would question whether you're really cut out to be a SAHP, but that's just a personal opinion!

Another shit mum here then!

In recent years I’ve realised that I am neurodiverse and my sensory sensitivities can make holiday periods really hard. It’s like being on the fringes of meltdown all the time.

But understanding this fact has been life changing. It’s not unusual for mums to put coats or sunblock on the kids and forget themselves. I wasn’t even registering my needs never mind trying to meet them. Yet I make adjustments for my neurodiverse kids all the time.

The other mindset shift that helped was realising that their holiday is not my holiday; it’s actually the hardest time of my year. Lots of people don’t always enjoy every aspect of the busiest, hardest periods in their jobs but can still be good at them. Lots of people need extra training, or more resources during the those times.

My ds struggles with transitions, and routine changes. Even “good” ones. Holiday periods are legitimately harder.

Give yourself grace op.

You're being far too hard on yourself OP. Children with certain needs make the parenting appear bad at times, but only to those who have no understanding.

My eldest has ADHD and needed a lot of extra effort with parenting when younger. Certain parents I knew made it clear they thought I was useless on occasion. Two dads of my acquaintance would "helpfully" tell my child off for me (child took no notice of course and I was managing it in a way they didn't understand).

I've worked with children all my life, including those with SEN and huge behaviour challenges but nothing was more difficult than dealing with my own child's behaviour while sensing the disapproval of others - though I learnt to live with that / get over it.

My child is now early 20s. Yesterday I bumped into their former childminder who coyly asked me if they were still badly behaved. I just laughed and said they were pretty sensible nowadays - I wasn't upset, I would have forgotten about it if I hadn't read your post.

Tips - make life as easy on yourself as you can. Don't attempt to do what 'everyone else does' if you find it too challenging. I remember reading in a book about ADHD that if you're wondering why everyone else's child behaves well in the supermarket, then it's because most people who have children who don't are NOT taking them there - helped me a lot.

Also routines can be imposed - have your own. With young kids I did. Same event at same time every week for example, or every day. It helps the child to anticipate what will happen next and predictability is comforting.

Do only what does work well. If waiting for your other child, don't expect the twins to sit and wait. Take them for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Remember every stage passes. You won't be dealing with the exact same issues forever. New stages can be difficult, for sure, but nothing lasts forever. It will get easier and none of us have all the answers (though maybe those smug parents who have children who are naturally compliant think they do!)

I had my middle guy (4) home with his brother (2) for 2 weeks before the eldest was off and they got on like a house on fire and I briefly thought to myself twins must be so easy. And at the end of the week I copped it was easy because the eldest had more sense so would steer the 2 year old away from stupid obvious dangerous stuff, like playing in the kitchen and bathrooms or with cleaning products or whatever. And the youngest was too young to be at the same level of sophistication as the 4 year old for the subtlety dangerous stuff- like making a ski slope down the stairs or turning the beds into bouncy castles etc. I can't imagine what it would be like having two at the same level of strength, dexterity and intelligence. You must need eyes on the back of your head, and side of your head. And basically never leave them alone. Of course it's hard.

i agree with a pp, you need to talk to someone about how you feel. Because it's hard because it is. It not hard because of you, and you need help to see the difference.