SAHP struggling during 6 weeks, sign of a bad parent?

[Theymisheardme]

The school holidays are meant to be the best part of the kids year - no school for weeks on end, parents able to be now flexible and relaxed if they can get time off or if they don't even work to start with. SAHP especially should live the 6 weeks with its break from routine.

So aibu to think that if you find the 6 weeks really hard and you're struggling, even when say one of your kids is in activity clubs, that you're actually a shit Mom? I mean how is it harder when you can just do what you want with them? And when they're at school for hours on end, what kind of Mom doesn't e joy the bonus time together. They grow up so quick, why would you want to wish that away?

That's ok, I don't much like me either

Yes I think it's a lack of parenting skills

Sounds like you've got a lot of other pressures on you, I'm sure you're doing your best 🫂.

If you have a child who needs constant stimulation and a parent who struggles if they can’t get a minute to themselves story of my life.

It sounds like you're doing your best under difficult circumstances, trying to balance two people's needs constantly and having to completely suppress your own. I hope you have support to get some time alone

The people saying I'm a horrible person for judging them, the difference is you're all functioning under a stressful situation and doing your best.
But what about the ones who have it easy - couple of preschoolers, older one on camp. When it's their own fault because the kids don't do as they're told and don't just sit nicely when everyone else is despite being. Kids who can't just share nicely when everyone else is, or sit quietly and do an activity even tho their are younger kids doing it.

The problem is I thought I'd like it but then I get so overwhelmed when they don't listen and I know everyone is just wishing we'd leave but then leaving just starts the kids off wailing louder and it's so overwhelming all I want is to be able to get control of myself let alone the kids and the only way I can do that, to get control of myself is to focus on some external pain and then the kids are probably over it anyway and happily moved on and it's just me feeling so out of control

I don’t think anyone is a shit parent for not loving every second of time with their kids. Sometimes everyone is happy and it’s awesome but sometimes when siblings are bickering or fighting or complaining about what they don’t want to do it’s frustrating.

I have four of the six weeks booked off. I’ve enjoyed some stuff I’ve done with the kids loads but think we made the mistake of booking too much time away. We spent a week in Scotland and then had 4 nights away after just a couple of days at home. The kids are sick of being with each other and family and away from their friends so are constantly arguing and they are probably also tired as we’ve done loads of longish days exploring zoos, castles, museums, visiting softplay/similar indoor venues, beaches, playparks etc and then had some late cinema/theatre/games nights. They are having loads of fun but it’s still a lot going on and sometimes overwhelming for them. It’s also tiring for me as I’ve been taking them away largely on my own (OH is working). Part of the issue is me as I feel like a day just pottering round the house playing with Lego or with a short trip to the playpark is a bit of a wasted vacation day. For the kids though they are happy to do that and even need days like that.

It does make me roll my eyes a bit at the people who rave about how amazing, important and nec

It does make me roll my eyes a bit at the people who rave about how amazing, important and necessary it is to have a stay at home mum but then they just moan about how awful it is when their kids aren’t in school. Do they only enjoy that they get 9am-3pm as free time?? Idk

Everyone needs a break from each other- look at Covid- when they got back to school they talked excitedly about what they’d done in school, what the teacher said etc etc. nobody can be around someone 24/7, we all need a break. Plus having to cater food wise is a job in itself 😜

You should be kinder to yourself OP.

Why are you giving others so much slack but beating yourself up? There's no such thing as perfect parenting. Many people thrive on routine, so why can't you admit that to yourself and know you're doing your best during a period you don't enjoy.

Preschoolers are hard work. It's far easier once the kids are school-age in my opinion. You're still in the depths of it being full on.

Op. Search for my thread and join us there

Ps everyone in the world is allowed to moan at their circumstances- nobody has the perfect day every day and summertime is like Groundhog Day

OP are you not talking about yourself?

I thought you were but now I think you're being awful about someone else. Can you clarify?

OP everyone has a different capacity for dealing with things. Even with easy children there will be parents who naturally need more time alone or more exercise or whatever. Then being unable to fulfil those personal needs means that they find it harder to deal with having their children around them all day every day. It sounds like you’re someone who’s just naturally more sensitive and finds it more difficult to deal with constantly being surrounded by kids! And that’s absolutely ok, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Not all adults are the same just as not all children are the same.

Exactly, surely that's what makes me a shit Mom. I chose to have the twins, but I find them so much harder to cope with than their brother as soon as we leave the house. We have had some lovely times but they're so strong willed, aren't good at sitting still etc., I'm trying to fill time in-between their brothers classes cos I can't get home and back again and I can feel everyone's judgement every time one of them shouts or gets off their chair or opens a drawer I've told them to leave. I think the issue is that my being a shit Mom is why they aren't obedient and then that filters in to me struggling and getting overwhelmed and everyone rightly judging me and me pulling us out of activities because I know I'm ruining everyone else's day

Six weeks is a LONG time. I have 4 DC (one has SEN) and although I’m not a SAHM I work very PT and I’m only doing 4 days in total across the whole holidays. I LOVE those days at work! Even though my job is very challenging, during the holidays it feels almost like a spa day 😆

The main strategy that works for me is planning: a few weeks before the summer holidays I make a separate planner for the entire 6 weeks and plan something for everyday. My DC are absolutely not the type to have a “mooch round the house” type day. They would be bouncing off the walls by lunchtime. We do a few big days out but these are interspersed with more basic (and cheap / free) things like parks, woods, the beach, visiting friends etc. We’re not constantly charging about, there’s plenty of down time too, about but it does mean they are kept pretty busy which my DC need.

With my youngest (SEN) we also keep to sensible bedtimes as being tired makes things a lot harder for her.

”One on camp and a couple of preschoolers” does NOT sound easy!! Stop being so hard on yourself! I have super active DC: “sitting quietly doing an activity” would never have worked well for them either. It would have left all of us feeling stressed and fed up.

Best of luck

How old are your twins, OP?

Yes it's me who's the shit Mom

You’re not a shit mum at all, you’re a normal mum. You have 2 preschoolers with you 24/7 plus an older child, 3 is a lot. Absolutely no mental or physical break. And preschoolers can refuse to listen to even the best and most patient of parents! It doesn’t mean a lack of parenting skills at all.

Being SAHP isn’t easy. Working and juggling childcare isn’t easy either. If you’re worried that you’re doing something wrong you’re probably doing a lot right.

God no, not a shit mum. Especially with twins, I know a couple of parents with twins and honestly it can seem so difficult at times (but lovely!), I say that as someone who’s children have additional needs. We had a really tough day earlier this week. I was furious about some bad news, kids were manic, I found myself in a bit of despair. But then we move on because we’re only half way through the summer holidays after all. School is extremely important to my kids for their routine, being off for 6 weeks really impacts them. They don’t like trips to unknown places, I can spend £££ only for them to be distressed and begging to go home after an hour. Deeps breaths and realise it is what it is. My kids could wreck an empty room at times…

OP if you've got two toddlers with typical challenging toddler behaviour, it sounds like you don't have it easy. You seem to be on a downer about yourself but it seems odd and contradictory to base that opinion around you "having it easy" compared to others when objectively you don't.

One preschooler is hard, two is harder. There's nothing at all unusual or problematic about struggling with it.

Sorry you're having a tough few days, I know the lack of school routine is particularly hard for a couple of friends kids in similar situations. I try and remind myself the youngest two are NT so I have no right to complain about it being hard. I just see all these other lovely behaved kids and I hate myself for failing them by not making them like that.
Don't get me wrong, they're awesome. And I have moments when they're walking on reins lovely holding each others hand when I realise they look like idyllic twins compared to someone else's awful day. Doesn't help that their language acquisition is also behind (twin thing or me thing) so they're harder to reason with

Hahahaha, you’re not a shit mum. Neither am I. I adore my DTs, but fuck me, the holidays are hellish. No matter what we do, they fight, whinge and bitch a lot, their ears don’t work (unless I’m opening a snack in the kitchen) and it’s just shit.

Of course there are some beautiful moments, but just being ON all the time is exhausting and I’m so done with these bastard holidays and have approximately 30 years left until school starts again.

I try and remind myself the youngest two are NT so I have no right to complain about it being hard.

With genuine kindness, that’s bullshit. You’re allowed to find it hard and absolutely adore your kids whatever the circumstances. Parenting is hard, especially in the early years. You’re allowed to recognise it. And difficulty in communicating is absolutely one of the most difficult aspects, I’ve said this myself - my kids having ASD is not in any way awful, but not being able to reach them with words is very frustrating for me and them at times. It feels like communicating through a solid wall, hoping something gets through. Are the younger ones in nursery @Theymisheardme ?