DD 16, what to do!?

[Ifyouwantmeillbeinthebar]

Looking for a bit of advice and guidance with my eldest DD who is 16, I’m sorry if it gets a big rambly, there a few worries and not sure if connected

I am admittedly a bit over protective, especially with her, my first born as the teenager years are uncharted territories (though two younger siblings are not far behind) so I’m not sure if this skewing my judgment.

DD is a really good kid, she helps a lot at home, has a mostly good sense of right and wrong and does well in school. She was right at the front of the queue when it came to handing out creativity and it’s meant that she really excels at music, art and performance, something we have always encouraged but that has also came with a good hand of dramatics and she can also be quite an emotional child.

I should also add at this point that her dad, my husband is currently deployed so might add to current situation.

DD has a girlfriend, really lovely girl with a lovely family. This is DD’s 2nd girlfriend, the 1st ending, I think because things became too intense and afterwards we had a chat about boundaries and friendships with others being important etc. This seems to be a much healthier relationship, DD spends much more time with friends though I do often check her if I feel it could go back to all being a bit heavy.

Firstly we seem to have stumbled into some disordered eating, DD is vegetarian and has been for a few years however she has been slowly removing other foods from her diet, fish, milk, eggs because she wants to be vegan, certain fruits and vegetables because they didn’t taste nice after Covid the list goes on and it’s actually becoming really tricky to cook a meal for her.

Due to working and my DC all being old enough to fix theirselves breakfast, snack and lunch i haven’t noticed until the last few days how little DD is actually eating now but it’s not a lot, yesterday for example a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt and fruit that her sister had made, a coffee at Costa and half a bowl of pasta that I had to encourage her to eat because she was feeling sick. I have also noticed her in the mirror pulling her jeans out from her waist in the mirror and sucking her tummy in. She has always been slim and I’m unsure yet if she has dropped any more weight, though obviously it’s absolutely on my radar.

The reason I brought up the GF is that their has been a few things said that I’ve taken notice off, the first was upon meeting GF’s DF he mentioned that GF used to be a lot heavier but has lost a lot of weight recently, GF is really tiny and petite, she also wears quite baggy clothes the 2nd was them both sitting on the sofa and DD accidentally nudging GF with her elbow and saying your elbows are so shard and bony and DD said something like that’s the nicest thing anyone has every said to me which they both started giggling at, I found this quite shocking, am I wrong?

I think what had made me not take this too seriously until recently is that DD LOVES eating out, and would happily go out for food every day if her finances allowed, this food restricting only seems to be at home and I wondered if an attention thing (though realise that doesn’t mean that everything if ok)

Mixed in with this is sleepovers with GF, having an 11 and 14 DD’s in the house as well I’ve been very careful of what I’ve allowed as don’t want to set a precedent for boundaries when they might change if one of the girls were in a relationship with a boy.

I did say she could stay at GF’s house the night before last and she not only came home saying she felt very unwell, which turned out to be because had had a bagel and some sweets in 24 hours but also with bites (non insect kind) all over her neck which she thought were really funny.

Im not naive, I remember being 16 and I also know she is almost an adult but I just can’t help feel she is spiralling and I want to get a hold before it goes any further.

Rightly or wrongly I’ve told her she is grounded just now until she can start acting in a responsible and respectful way to herself and others (DD 11 looks up to big sis and doesn’t miss a thing she does) I’ve reminded her she is a role model to sisters.

Internally Im angry at her more than sympathetic, which I realise isn’t great but I can’t help but feel with all the jokes the outward pinching of skin in front of me and being so obvious about not eating as well as seeming to forever be spending her money in noodle bars, bubble tea shops and Tesco meal deals that she is really is pushing the act to worry me and get attention, though maybe that just makes me sound really ignorant and awful.

Any help on navigating any of the above would be great.

With respect, you allowed her to stay the night, I guess you knew at 16 that would involve some sexual activity. You’re right to be concerned about the lack of food and it needs careful handling. Hopefully someone with some experience can advise on that

I would say you need to keep a very careful eye on this, and start planning on having food in that your D really enjoys, or suits her going vegan but is still providing nutrition.
Can you have more family meals together, maybe sitting down at breakfast, putting out bowls of cut fruit, yoghurt some toast or similar for everyone so that it's there and she's eating without pressure?

I think being relaxed about food, eating and modelling a good relationship with food yourself is the best. I mostly let DDs get on with breakfast and lunch themselves and I make dinner- but I ask them if they'd like lunch if I think they'd like something and haven't eaten.

Yesterday I caught DD2 (14) chopping up red peppers and cucumber and making salad dressing and nearly fell over at eating vegetables off her own back - there is a lot of McDs with friends and Costas and getting piles of junk from the newsagents in holidays. She does plenty of exercise though and can also make a mean omelette. I often have a salad for lunch (a filling one with two types of protein). However much they would deny it they are copying parents still and soaking up information from you at this age and you are still their biggest influence.

The love bites thing I would just communicate it's a bit naff, I wouldn't be grounding her over it and would offer some antiseptic if they are sore.

You need to understand that she's not a role model for her siblings. At least she shouldn't be expected to be one. First of all, she's 16, and second, it presumably wasn't her decision to have siblings. Rather than demand she be a role model you need to work on making sure the younger siblings don't see her as one.

Second, would you have allowed her to sleep over with her girlfriend if she was with her boyfriend instead? If not, why the difference? Any 16 year old who's allowed to spend the night with their partner will engage in sexual activity with them. OK she can't get pregnant in a same sex relationship but she can still catch sexually transmitted diseases.

Try to stop her being a vegan/vegetarian so she eats more healthily. If it helps you can tell her the food you give her is "vegan" meat or whatever, but actually give her the real deal. If she's eating out a lot she'll inadvertently be eating meat and animal products anyway, all restaurants are careless about segregating vegan food from normal food, some deliberately mix it up.

Please don't listen to the previous poster and feed her meat in secret. You need to be building trust, not breaking it down.

If you think she has disordered eating thats very serious and needs to take precedent over other concerns as it spirals.

She could be using eating out as another way of hiding from you how little she eats

The number one thing you can do, and I know it's not always easy if you have other DC) is to spend quality time with her. Out for the day or away for the weekend. Ideally doing something that means you can bring up the subject of diet and nutrition without it feeling like an attack on her.

Tread lightly, anything you suggest is likely to push her against you. I find suggestions coming from others works better.

Try to stop her being a vegan/vegetarian so she eats more healthily. If it helps you can tell her the food you give her is "vegan" meat or whatever, but actually give her the real deal.

This is without a doubt the worst advice I've ever seen on MN. How bloody highhanded, treacherous and awful. If I found I'd been tricked into eating something I didn't want to eat, I'd be furious and never trust that person ever again.

Agree about not making her a 'role model' and using that as a stick to beat her with though. For a teenager, that could read like the only reason you care how she behaves is because of the effect it has on her siblings. Focus on her.

Lovebites are a total non-issue, it looks awful but that's her choice and she can wear a scarf. Can't believe you've grounded her for that!

I agree that having a gf should really be no different to having a bf. Pregnancy aside, it is the intensity of a full blown relationship that would concern me.

Try to stop her being a vegan/vegetarian so she eats more healthily. If it helps you can tell her the food you give her is "vegan" meat or whatever, but actually give her the real deal.

This is a surefire way to one hundred percent put a bomb under the relationship and fuck it up beyond repair forever. Absolutely terrible advice.

Grounding seems very harsh for a 16 year old. It ain't her job to be a role model to her siblings- she didn't sign up to that.

Keep the dialogue open about food. Make sure there's food in that she likes and talk about the importance of fuel etc.

I agree that having a gf should really be no different to having a bf. Pregnancy aside, it is the intensity of a full blown relationship that would concern me.

She's 16, she's not a baby. As long as she's being safe, sex is legal and fun (and a damn sight safer for a young lesbian than a young straight girl, in multiple ways). I can't think of any way you can control the 'intensity' of how they feel about each other, they're teens, everything's intense! What you can do is make sure she is still doing other things with other friends, still having lots of family time, and keeping up with school and hobbies. None of that precludes the odd sleepover. I sometimes think Mumsnetters forget what it is actually like being 16, between child and adult, and just stick a 'child' label on everyone under 20.

And sorry but it is totally different that they are both girls. Pregnancy, rape etc are pretty major risks for a teenage girl sleeping over at a teenage boy's, and while no relationship is totally without risk of sexual assault the risk is vanishingly lower from a similar age, similar size girl than from a male. Both in terms of statistical likelihood of it happening in the first place, ability to defend oneself and escape if it did, and severity and type of potential injuries if unable to do so. All this wilfully blind "there is no difference" nonsense is just that - nonsense.

What an awful idea from the previous poster about feeding her meat secretly. If she doesn't have an eating disorder already, then teaching her that she can't trust her food or parents and to be suspicious of everything she eats will certainly give her one.

OP, if she's cutting out lots of food groups due to a vegan diet, do some research together about proteins, healthy fats, iron etc. and come up with some alternate sources for these other than meat. You mentioned it's become tricky to cook meals for her - it sounds like it might be time to get her involved with the food planning/preparation/cooking a bit, and can give you two the chance to spend some time together and for you to model healthy meals and diets.

It sounds like she is under a lot of pressure to meet your expectations. She's doing really well generally - talented, hardworking, helps at home she takes your advice on board. That's amazing for a 16 year old! You should be really proud of her. And yet you have found a way to ground her, suggested she is irresponsible, a poor role model and disrespectful? That's really really wrong imo. She's barely done anything.

The food issues are really concerning but you will only make them worse by taking a hard line. She needs support not punishment. Have a look at Beat for advice about disordered eating.

Im confused what you actually grounded her for op?

Thanks for all the comments, a lot to digest.

Firstly I won’t be secretly feeding her meat or non vegan food, I have always supported her being a vegetarian and it really isn’t an issue, just the growing food aversions that seem to now be going along side…

I did encourage all 3 girls to make choices when it comes to the online food order, ask what they would like, any ideas they have etc but thinking about it I feel DD has become less involved in this recently.

In terms of sex, I think they will find a way to do it sleepover or no sleepover, they are often in a house on their own, as parents we all work and I remember being 16/17 and doing it where ever I could, however I have not taken them spending the night lightly, she has been with GF 8 months and has stayed at hers twice, once because GF’s dad picked them up from a concert late and made more sense for her to come home in the morning and the night before last because GF has been on holiday for the last 3 weeks and she has been invited round for a family dinner/party.

I also agree that 16 year olds having full on adult relationships where they stay together and spend all time together is not healthy and as said in OP after last relationship have really encouraged DD to make good choices with her time.

I should add DD & GF live 15 miles apart and I don’t drive so it’s not always easy to call the shots on home time as unless they are here as rely on GF’s family bringing DD home. (DH will do the same if he is around)

Admittedly I was probably wrong with the role model comment, I’m learning and sometimes say the wrong thing, I’m just finding this quite tricky to navigate.

You've mentioned a few times that she's doing things for attention from you. If that's the case, why wouldn't you give her more positive attention instead of shaming her for buying Tesco meal deals?

You grounded her, a 16 year old, for love bites? You can't be serious. Talk about the wrong way to go about things.

I didn’t ground her purely for the bite on her neck, though I wasn’t happy with her being so brazen about it and paradigm it off in front of her Granparents and 11 Dsis

I’d grounded her because I’m concerned about how little she is eating and not feeling well off the back of it (faint, sick etc l) I’m worried she is going pass out and I’d like to spend some time chatting to me and come up with a plan on how to move forward as obviously she can’t go out every day skipping breakfast, and not getting in till after dinner and going to bed.

Rightly or wrongly I’ve told her she is grounded just now until she can start acting in a responsible and respectful way to herself and others (DD 11 looks up to big sis and doesn’t miss a thing she does) I’ve reminded her she is a role model to sisters.

I’m struggling to see where she’s been disrespectful tbh. She came home because she felt unwell, regardless of why that was surely she can come home at any point for any reason. She may have felt uncomfortable sleeping over at her girlfriends and needed an excuse to leave, or may just have felt queasy and wanted to come home. The love bite thing is a bit silly but not a crime by any means.

You seem to hold her to a very high standard, she’s not there to be a role model - she’s a teenager finding her feet. It’s pretty usual stuff to spend her money in Costa etc, I’d keep an eye on the eating but from a place of cooking together, supporting her chosen way of eating - vegan is hardly “out there” but she may need help in knowing what to add into her diet to replace the nutrients from the food sources she’s cut.

Generally going into battle with teens is never going to lead to a harmonious home, now more than ever you need to pick your battles. She sounds like a great kid, remember to focus on that.

I have to say I think you’ve handled every single issue here extremely poorly. You’re at huge risk of pushing her away. What have you grounded her for? Getting a lovebite when she’s old enough to have sex and you’ve allowed her to sleep at her girlfriends?

I’d grounded her because I’m concerned about how little she is eating and not feeling well off the back of it

I'm sorry op, but you are really being ridiculous and completely counterproductive. My kids are in their mid-20's now, and I can assure you that the way you're going about things is not going to help anything. The only thing she will get out of this is to hide thing better so you'll stay off her back. She's 16 and hasn't done anything worthy of being grounded for. She needs you to listen and support her, and it may take many, many talks to make progress.

your daughters girlfriend is obviously influencing her and you need to cut the contact off pronto and completely

Hi.My DD is very ill with anorexia. She started out like this - veggie, then cutting out more and more. She went downhill very quickly. Skin pinching is known as 'body checking' and is a classic ED behaviour. Many anorexics will eat out but not at home - DD was hospitalised with a girl who had been at Pizza Hut 2 days before. Check out the Support Thread for Parents of Children with Eating Disorders on here and get her eating 3 meals plus 3 snacks a day (if you can) - you'll be able to tell from her reaction if she has a problem or not. The girlfriend sounds like a bad influence if she has disordered eating - no matter how lovely she might be in other respects. You might also want to check out DDs social media. There's some horrible stuff out there and they can fall down a rabbit hole very quickly.