DD 16, what to do!?

[Ifyouwantmeillbeinthebar]

Looking for a bit of advice and guidance with my eldest DD who is 16, I’m sorry if it gets a big rambly, there a few worries and not sure if connected

I am admittedly a bit over protective, especially with her, my first born as the teenager years are uncharted territories (though two younger siblings are not far behind) so I’m not sure if this skewing my judgment.

DD is a really good kid, she helps a lot at home, has a mostly good sense of right and wrong and does well in school. She was right at the front of the queue when it came to handing out creativity and it’s meant that she really excels at music, art and performance, something we have always encouraged but that has also came with a good hand of dramatics and she can also be quite an emotional child.

I should also add at this point that her dad, my husband is currently deployed so might add to current situation.

DD has a girlfriend, really lovely girl with a lovely family. This is DD’s 2nd girlfriend, the 1st ending, I think because things became too intense and afterwards we had a chat about boundaries and friendships with others being important etc. This seems to be a much healthier relationship, DD spends much more time with friends though I do often check her if I feel it could go back to all being a bit heavy.

Firstly we seem to have stumbled into some disordered eating, DD is vegetarian and has been for a few years however she has been slowly removing other foods from her diet, fish, milk, eggs because she wants to be vegan, certain fruits and vegetables because they didn’t taste nice after Covid the list goes on and it’s actually becoming really tricky to cook a meal for her.

Due to working and my DC all being old enough to fix theirselves breakfast, snack and lunch i haven’t noticed until the last few days how little DD is actually eating now but it’s not a lot, yesterday for example a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt and fruit that her sister had made, a coffee at Costa and half a bowl of pasta that I had to encourage her to eat because she was feeling sick. I have also noticed her in the mirror pulling her jeans out from her waist in the mirror and sucking her tummy in. She has always been slim and I’m unsure yet if she has dropped any more weight, though obviously it’s absolutely on my radar.

The reason I brought up the GF is that their has been a few things said that I’ve taken notice off, the first was upon meeting GF’s DF he mentioned that GF used to be a lot heavier but has lost a lot of weight recently, GF is really tiny and petite, she also wears quite baggy clothes the 2nd was them both sitting on the sofa and DD accidentally nudging GF with her elbow and saying your elbows are so shard and bony and DD said something like that’s the nicest thing anyone has every said to me which they both started giggling at, I found this quite shocking, am I wrong?

I think what had made me not take this too seriously until recently is that DD LOVES eating out, and would happily go out for food every day if her finances allowed, this food restricting only seems to be at home and I wondered if an attention thing (though realise that doesn’t mean that everything if ok)

Mixed in with this is sleepovers with GF, having an 11 and 14 DD’s in the house as well I’ve been very careful of what I’ve allowed as don’t want to set a precedent for boundaries when they might change if one of the girls were in a relationship with a boy.

I did say she could stay at GF’s house the night before last and she not only came home saying she felt very unwell, which turned out to be because had had a bagel and some sweets in 24 hours but also with bites (non insect kind) all over her neck which she thought were really funny.

Im not naive, I remember being 16 and I also know she is almost an adult but I just can’t help feel she is spiralling and I want to get a hold before it goes any further.

Rightly or wrongly I’ve told her she is grounded just now until she can start acting in a responsible and respectful way to herself and others (DD 11 looks up to big sis and doesn’t miss a thing she does) I’ve reminded her she is a role model to sisters.

Internally Im angry at her more than sympathetic, which I realise isn’t great but I can’t help but feel with all the jokes the outward pinching of skin in front of me and being so obvious about not eating as well as seeming to forever be spending her money in noodle bars, bubble tea shops and Tesco meal deals that she is really is pushing the act to worry me and get attention, though maybe that just makes me sound really ignorant and awful.

Any help on navigating any of the above would be great.

I'd panic too, but grounding for unspecified reasons ( as far as she's concerned) probably isn't the way forward.

I agree! Jesus Christ-had my Mum done this I'd have NEVER forgotten it and would have never trusted or respected her again. Please don't listen to this OP.

I'm in my forties now-I went vegetarian at 11 and vegan from 18. I had anorexia as a 15 year old as a result of an intense friendship with a much more stereotypically attractive girl. I recovered-but had my Mother done anything like this I doubt I would-I'd have rebelled, the entirely wrong way! Of course people are different but I cannot see that anyone who does this would achieve a positive from it! I'm still vegan but I am slim and healthy not underweight nor overweight.

I would keep a close eye on this. Give her body confidence in all ways you can. Have plenty of her favourite foods in. Eat out with whenever time/money/energy allows.

You've allowed the sleepover however so I think it is harsh to come down on her for doing what 16 year olds do at sleepovers. You'll estrange her if you're not careful. She probably thinks she's done nothing wrong and has good reason to!

Also she's not a role model for her siblings by any means other than your deciding she is. Ensure they do not model themselves off her or anyone but their parents.

I’d be checking in with the GF family regarding what they’ve been dealing with. If she’s got disordered eating it’s far more likely that this is the driving influence with your daughters sudden dietary changes. As lovely as she might be, she may not be the best influence on your daughter right now. A member of my family spiralled into an eating disorder at about the same age with their partner who had an ED, they just fed into each others destructive behaviours (as another poster commented, heavily influenced by social media also). It was really hard to get through to her to engage with help within the relationship as they connected everything back to their “bond” being stronger etc.
Just as the previous relationship felt pressured, this relationship may equally be pressuring her to be a certain way which is just as worrying.

Though I managed to give myself an ED without social media or friends with ED.

Another thing that I think is important to understand is not eating in early stages of an ED can actually feel good. I almost liken it to being little bit drunk. Just that everyone tells you that you feel awful because you’re dizzy but you don’t. You feel sick when you eat and a little buzzed if you have avoided food.

Basically, if it is this sort of issue, don’t keep telling her she’ll feel better if she eats because that flies in the face of her experience. Just that she should try to eat through even if it makes her feel bad right now.

Sorry that you all went through this. I am glad your daughter is now doing well.