DD 16, what to do!?

[Ifyouwantmeillbeinthebar]

Looking for a bit of advice and guidance with my eldest DD who is 16, I’m sorry if it gets a big rambly, there a few worries and not sure if connected

I am admittedly a bit over protective, especially with her, my first born as the teenager years are uncharted territories (though two younger siblings are not far behind) so I’m not sure if this skewing my judgment.

DD is a really good kid, she helps a lot at home, has a mostly good sense of right and wrong and does well in school. She was right at the front of the queue when it came to handing out creativity and it’s meant that she really excels at music, art and performance, something we have always encouraged but that has also came with a good hand of dramatics and she can also be quite an emotional child.

I should also add at this point that her dad, my husband is currently deployed so might add to current situation.

DD has a girlfriend, really lovely girl with a lovely family. This is DD’s 2nd girlfriend, the 1st ending, I think because things became too intense and afterwards we had a chat about boundaries and friendships with others being important etc. This seems to be a much healthier relationship, DD spends much more time with friends though I do often check her if I feel it could go back to all being a bit heavy.

Firstly we seem to have stumbled into some disordered eating, DD is vegetarian and has been for a few years however she has been slowly removing other foods from her diet, fish, milk, eggs because she wants to be vegan, certain fruits and vegetables because they didn’t taste nice after Covid the list goes on and it’s actually becoming really tricky to cook a meal for her.

Due to working and my DC all being old enough to fix theirselves breakfast, snack and lunch i haven’t noticed until the last few days how little DD is actually eating now but it’s not a lot, yesterday for example a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt and fruit that her sister had made, a coffee at Costa and half a bowl of pasta that I had to encourage her to eat because she was feeling sick. I have also noticed her in the mirror pulling her jeans out from her waist in the mirror and sucking her tummy in. She has always been slim and I’m unsure yet if she has dropped any more weight, though obviously it’s absolutely on my radar.

The reason I brought up the GF is that their has been a few things said that I’ve taken notice off, the first was upon meeting GF’s DF he mentioned that GF used to be a lot heavier but has lost a lot of weight recently, GF is really tiny and petite, she also wears quite baggy clothes the 2nd was them both sitting on the sofa and DD accidentally nudging GF with her elbow and saying your elbows are so shard and bony and DD said something like that’s the nicest thing anyone has every said to me which they both started giggling at, I found this quite shocking, am I wrong?

I think what had made me not take this too seriously until recently is that DD LOVES eating out, and would happily go out for food every day if her finances allowed, this food restricting only seems to be at home and I wondered if an attention thing (though realise that doesn’t mean that everything if ok)

Mixed in with this is sleepovers with GF, having an 11 and 14 DD’s in the house as well I’ve been very careful of what I’ve allowed as don’t want to set a precedent for boundaries when they might change if one of the girls were in a relationship with a boy.

I did say she could stay at GF’s house the night before last and she not only came home saying she felt very unwell, which turned out to be because had had a bagel and some sweets in 24 hours but also with bites (non insect kind) all over her neck which she thought were really funny.

Im not naive, I remember being 16 and I also know she is almost an adult but I just can’t help feel she is spiralling and I want to get a hold before it goes any further.

Rightly or wrongly I’ve told her she is grounded just now until she can start acting in a responsible and respectful way to herself and others (DD 11 looks up to big sis and doesn’t miss a thing she does) I’ve reminded her she is a role model to sisters.

Internally Im angry at her more than sympathetic, which I realise isn’t great but I can’t help but feel with all the jokes the outward pinching of skin in front of me and being so obvious about not eating as well as seeming to forever be spending her money in noodle bars, bubble tea shops and Tesco meal deals that she is really is pushing the act to worry me and get attention, though maybe that just makes me sound really ignorant and awful.

Any help on navigating any of the above would be great.

'Second, would you have allowed her to sleep over with her girlfriend if she was with her boyfriend instead? If not, why the difference? Any 16 year old who's allowed to spend the night with their partner will engage in sexual activity with them. OK she can't get pregnant in a same sex relationship but she can still catch sexually transmitted diseases.'

The reality is - she's old enough and they're probably doing stuff together already. so would you be okay if it was a boy? knowing they'd do it anyway, if this was a boy ans girl I' be talking to your DD about contraception.
As it's a girl, she's not going to get pregnant and is very unlikely to get a STD.
lesbians ( and I am one) are very low risk for STD. Very.
i'm gay and have never had one and don't know any lesbian friends who have either.

Your first paragraph was good re role models but the part suggesting secretly feeding someone meat? No way.

@Dotjones

omg are you for real?!

I'm mum of a now-recovered anorexic DD, mine developed anorexia at 15 and it took a good 5-6 years to get through, including time on a day programme in London and time in an inpatient unit 200 miles from home.

If she was veggie prior to you having concerns about her eating then fair enough, if restricting/avoiding other animal products is more recent then step on it. Not all vegans are anorexic of course, but many many anorexics try to become vegan as the illness evolves, it's a mechanism to do 'moral restriction'- hiding the evolving eating disorder. Same with sudden changes in taste - my DD would claim that she had hated puddings and brownies since she was a baby but ate them to make other people happy even though the taste made her gag... 🙄 She also claimed a milk intolerance when I made it clear (with the total support of her team by that point) that being vegan was not acceptable at that time - you only need to compare the calories of oat/almond milk to cows milk to see why.

Spend a few days really watching what she's eating - keep a food diary. Look closely at the fit of her clothes compared to previously. If you're even a little bit concerned, get her to the GP. Don't leave it - the longer an ED is present, the more deeply entrenched it gets, and it's really hard to get good help as the services are snowed under. Don't delay going to the doctors when she starts telling you there isn't a problem, it's all in your head, she's just busy/stressed and will pay more attention and eat better, etc, etc, get her there as soon as you can. Don't make the same mistakes we did.

Animal fats are really important in anorexic recovery, they don't need to eat meat but milk, eggs, cheese, yogurt really help. Stuff like avocado, houmous and peanut butter are good to encourage too.

The relationship stuff will sort itself out, early relationships do tend to be intense and the end of them is the end of the world! But EDs kill. My D is now 23 and healthy, living in London with her boyfriend and doing well at a great uni. But those 5/6 years were the hardest and most traumatic of my life, there were times I would stand outside her bedroom door in the mornings in tears because I hadn't heard her moving around and I thought she'd died in her bed, with a bmi of under 13.

Agee. Wtf.

So you grounded her for having an eating disorder?

I think she needs to know that you love and support her. I would keep a close watch on her eating and make sure she knows she can talk to you without fear of punishment.

You definitely shouldn’t be grounding her because you’re worried about her eating and you definitely shouldn’t be putting being a role model on her shoulders.

She’s 16. Her job is to be a 16 year old, not to be a role model for her younger siblings. Don’t put that on her, especially if you think she is struggling with eating (or anything else).

I've no experience with teenagers but a little with disordered eating in my line of work. I'd keep a very close eye and get a referral to CAHMS or your eating disorder team as appropriate. In my limited experience and where I live service availability and input reduces once teenagers turn 18 so I wouldn't hang around too long if you become very concerned over her eating.

Are your DD and her GF big fans of Heartstopper @Ifyouwantmeillbeinthebar as series 2 came out last week and an episode featured the lead character giving his boyfriend a lovebite. One of the main characters has an eating disorder too?

@Seafarer this is quite interesting as DD was very excited to watch this with GF, she had been really excited another the 2nd series coming out and said they binged the whole series in one night, said night of sleepover!

I think you are doing this but I just want to reiterate - forget everything else. The eating is your priority here. Once people get to a certain stage in anorexic eating disorders their brain chemistry changes and then you really have to just crack down - and you need support to do it.

Your last sentence really is gutwrenching to read, I'm so glad she is doing well now and that as a mum you can never relax I understand that, but that you are reprieved from the trauma this fear for her life must have caused you, so glad you are both in a better place now x

Completely off topic, but @Ifyouwantmeillbeinthebar Joni Mitchell fan? 😊

I am indeed, still mourning that Blue (and all her other amazing albums) are off Spotify. 😢

At 16 I was a in size 6 which was big on me and a lot of people used to comment on my weight. If my Mum would have grounded me for this this would have pissed me off so much. I was a good kid, done well in exams, was naturally slim but did struggle a lot at meal times so skipped meals sometimes. I didnt develop any eating disorder, I just sometimes wasn't hungry and didn't want a meal. I think grounding her is extreme, sitting and talking to her and respecting her might work better. She's 16 and old enough to be working, grounding seems insane.

My daughter had anorexia pretty badly a few years ago (she seems to have made a good recovery although with ED I don't think anyone is ever 100% cured). She sounds very like your own DD , very clever, creative, musical, drama Queen, also vegetarian.

Firstly, don't believe a single word your daughter tells you about what she eats when you aren't around. Anorexia turned my wonderful honest child into a manipulative liar.

Secondly, if you suspect her GF might also have an ED this is an incredible unhealthy relationship for your DD. Sufferers of ED egg each other on and coach one another on how to restrict food and over-exercise.
It's also a very competitive illness - they want to be the ' best' possible anorexic so if someone they know is getting by on 450 calories they will try and beat them by cutting down to 425. Equally if someone else reaches a BMI of 17, they will strive to drop to a BMI of 16.

one of the hardest parts of DD's recovery was breaking away from the many, many online communities for ED as she realised they were actively sabotaging her recovery , haranguing and abusing her for being weak enough to return to normal eating and gradually gain weight. If your DD is in a RL relationship with one of these enablers it's going to make any recovery 10 x harder.

Try to remember this isn't her fault and It's not her choice. You wouldn't punish a child (or adult) for having any other sort of mental illness. I hope you get some support.

As for the love bites - most of us were silly enough to parade them as symbols of maturity when we were young and dumb. They will fade quick enough. Don't sweat the small stuff!

I don't generally jump in before reading the whole thread, so apologies if this has already been said. However I feel so strongly I need to say this now. Please, please don't do this. People can't be 'scared' out of anorexia. I loved looking at other anorexics, I found them so inspirational. Watching stuff like this would have just fuelled my anorexia, made me more devoted than ever to starving myself.

I don't have a 16yo but I do have a 14yo. I would have an open and honest discussion with her, but exclude anything to do with the GF and concentrate on the weight and eating. I would say, "how do you feel about your weight?!" If she says fine, then move on to, "I've noticed you don't eat so much anymore. Why is that?" Just very open ended questions and listen, don't try to argue or offer solutions. Just purely listening...

I usually preface this with, "I'd like a little chat..." DD will groan, but I feel like she's then prepared and I am not taking advantage of her.

I think the lovebites are a bit irrelevant and I wouldn't have grounded her for them. If she consented to them, that's ok, isn't it?

I think people are making a v good point re the recent veganism. It's definitely a convenient way of restricting food. My DS had a 'vegan' uni mate who stayed overnight with us before a group holiday. I made a buffet with several vegan choices. She was absolutely charming and very apologetic and explained that the things I had cooked looked lovely but unfortunately I had made some of the very few vegan foods she didn't like.

The next day they went on holiday to Brighton. I mentioned that she would be spoilt for choice with so many great vegan restaurants, cafes, takeaways etc down there. She looked horrified at the thought.

She eventually ended up as an in-patient with AN. Happily that was a while ago and she seems to be much better now.

She has an eating disorder. You need to act. The bony elbows comment is very "pro-ana" (pro anorexia)

I don't understand why you grounded her. For the bites on her neck? For displaying disordered eating/body-checking behaviour in front of her siblings? It's very unclear but it sounds like getting her into counselling is a more appropriate response.

This is a fellow mother asking for advice on an advice forum for mums! We all know it isn’t easy and doesn’t come with a rule book. There’s no need for all the hissing and spitting.

I'd suggest ungrounding her and explaining that you reacted out of fear and made a mistake in that respect. Then tackle the disordered eating. If she remains grounded, you run the risk of inadvertently showing her that she needs to make more effort to keep her ED (if she does indeed have one) secret. And that way lies a shitload more problems!

I just wanted to say that when I was anorexic, the Louis Theroux, etc would have been inspirational rather than off-putting. Luckily for me there was no social media to trawl at the time. I probably would have killed myself. Anorexics are not known to think like normal people.