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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended that 2 out of 3 bil have declined to be ushers at my wedding?

41 replies

PanicPants · 27/02/2008 21:12

Well, unreasonable or not I am offended and hurt.

I guess that's familys for you [bitter emoticon]

Dp thinks that I should just let it go, which I will do of course, but I'm still a bit hurt.

Thought I'd come on here and have a moan because I have to act as if I understand perfectly in rl!

OP posts:

cornsilk · 27/02/2008 21:13

Did they give a reason?

kathryn77 · 27/02/2008 21:15

I would be offended unless they had a good reason.

ladytophamhatt · 27/02/2008 21:15

ohh that would upset me too.

whay have they refused?

Original poster

PanicPants · 27/02/2008 21:15

They both said they would rather stay in the background.

OP posts:

Blueskythinker · 27/02/2008 21:18

Is there a history?

onepieceoflollipop · 27/02/2008 21:19

On the postive side at least they are being honest. Reluctant/lazy ushers are a real pita.

Dh was best man for his friend and it was quite a big wedding. One usher arrived at the church later than most of the guests. The parking was a nightmare and imo was one of the things the ushers could have helped with.

I would be irritated in your position though. I would translate "staying in the background" as not having to be arsed sorting out various boring duties and not being able to relax and have a drink. (sorry if that is harsh, obviously I don't know your bils)

mollymawk · 27/02/2008 21:21

Strange. You'd have thought they'd be honoured to be asked. I can see why you're hurt. But then as OPOL says it's better that they don't do it at all than do it feebly.

Original poster

PanicPants · 27/02/2008 21:25

Not history as such, but don't have much to do with one of them - only tend to see him and my sister at family do's, but the other one is a bit closer.

My Mum just assumed they would be ushers, so I asked thinking it was a foregone conclusion and was was really shocked when they said no.

They only thing I can think of is I asked my sister with the bil who said yes to being an usher, to be ds' Godparents 2 years ago and I think the other sisters/bils were a bit put out.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 21:27

I don't think people always see being given a job to do at a wedding, as an honour.

I'm not saying this is you but I think sometimes the thing of being an organiser takes over and you view everyone as needing to be either involved to 'honour' them or involved to help out in some way. I think it's perfectly reasonable if people just want to come to your wedding and don't want to be part of the wedding party or do jobs.

Don't make it anything big. You offered, they declined; no biggie.

Flibbertyjibbet · 27/02/2008 21:43

Nothing like a wedding to get people on the AIBU threads

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 21:45

I love a good wedding thread

Original poster

PanicPants · 27/02/2008 21:46

I know - wish I was getting married in Turkey

OP posts:

posieflump · 27/02/2008 21:51

I agree with HG
My dh is a best man this summer
Neither of us know the families that well and it is a formal family wedding
DH isn't looking forward to it and I'm not because he'll be on the head table and i'll be sitting with people I don't know , looking after a 1 year old and a 3 year old on my own being paranoid about them making too much noise etc as they will be the ittlest kids there by about 10 years

indiechick · 27/02/2008 21:54

With all due respect, what is the benefit to them of being an usher? You don't sound like you're particularly close to them and it's a real hassle. DH was an usher for mate, it cost a fortune, he was ordered around all day by father of groom who went into power crazy mode from the word go and it really wasn't that much fun. It wasn't an honour to be asked, it was a PITA. You have to remember it's your big day, not theirs.

fishie · 27/02/2008 21:57

dh was an usher at his friend's wedding. he got shouted at by the bride's brother because he didn't give the right people buttonhole thingies.

i am still not sure what ushers are meant to do, what is their purpose? maybe your lot don't know either.

Original poster

PanicPants · 27/02/2008 22:10

I think the ushers are there to stand at the church and point to the bride or grooms side. At least thats all they'll be doing at our wedding!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 22:13

They're totally unecessary IMO. Most people know which side to sit on anyway. And if they sit on the 'wrong' side it doesn't matter, does it? Posh as you sound Panic, I don't suppose the Sultan of Brunei will sit on the wrong side and offend the Queen thus causing a small yet far reaching diplomatic incident

Original poster

PanicPants · 27/02/2008 22:18

at being described as Posh - you've made my day HonoriaGlossop!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 22:20

Kindersurpise · 27/02/2008 22:26

We had my brother and some cousins as ushers, they just showed the guests into the church and gave them their hymnsheets, iirc.

If you only asked them because you thought it was expected, then you should not be hurt or offended that they said no.

Ask a couple of good friends, reliable ones who will be pleased and have a good time wiht them.

As to the "honour", well, my DB is getting married next year. DH is to be bestman, I am a bridesmaid, DD is a flowergirl. DS a pageboy. My Dad will give my future-Sil away. Tbh, while I am pleased that I was asked, I would not have been upset if I was not asked. I am a bit old for the old bridesmaid thing, and I am not sure who is supposed to be looking after the DCs when we are all so involved.

I was much more chuffed to be asked to be godmother to DB's baby.

BroccoliSpears · 27/02/2008 22:26

Dp is always asked to be an usher. It would be such an 'honour' if we could just go to a wedding as a couple, enjoy the day and have a drink, instead of him having to hire a special suit and do jobs all day while I make my way to the church by myself.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 22:30

Agree with you broccoli. DH was ush-ing at his sister's and the day would have been far more enjoyable for me if i'd had his company more. His sister hardly SAW him so nobody was fussed about whether he was ush-ing to the required standard or not so he may as well just have been enjoying a relaxed time instead of all the pointless little jobs he did which are so pointless that I can't even remember what they WERE

Perhaps I need to step away, I have too many annoying wedding-reminiscences and am not good company on wedding threads

HonoriaGlossop · 27/02/2008 22:31

Nah, can't step away, still love a wedding thread really

harpsichordcarrier · 27/02/2008 22:33

I don't think we even had ushers, tbh.
I am not at all clear about what they do
anyway, I can see it would be a bit narking, but they have their reasons and you should just rise above it

Minkus · 28/02/2008 08:17

Thought that ushers were supposed to be the grooms version of bridesmaids. They are being ushers for the groom not the couple. Therefore if your dp isn't bothered by it I'd take my lead from him and let it go. (the fact that the thread title says "xxxx at MY wedding" not "OUR wedding" is a bit telling . I was a bit of a bridezilla so this is said entirely knowing how much weddings can take over )

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