Be honest - am I too old?

[PlzBehest]

… to have never been in a relationship? I am 27 years old turning 28 years old this year. Most of my former school friends got married years ago and everyone I knew from school either is in a long term relationship or married at this point.

I don’t know how or why life skipped me over. I used to dream about having a boyfriend since my teenage years. It’s only now reality is dawning on me. I genuinely cannot believe this has happened to me.

I really don’t understand why.

A bit of background, I was considered an uncool nerd when I was in school. Always bullied, always made fun of by everyone, friends included. When we turned 16 and my group of friends started having boyfriends, they all ditched me and only me and left me out of everything.

I was bullied all the way throughout university, didn’t make a single friend. I struggled through two masters degrees, too shy to try to befriend anyone, when I tried to plan a dating life, people told me and that it would happen naturally so I decided not to bother.

I’m now in a mid-level job, live alone and earn only £35k a year (which I know is low for MN). I don’t drive, I don’t have any hobbies, I am quite overweight but trying to lose weight and try to wear clothes that suit me. I feel like starting to get a boyfriend at this age will be hard, yes the men my age are no longer the immature boys who made fun of me and the women are no longer the mean girls who mocked me but I still sometimes feel like the school nerd on the inside who is mocked by everyone and not sure where to start looking or how to make someone like me and want to be in a relationship with me.

I don’t even know what my parents think of me because this is very weird at this point. I’m also too embarrassed to go out with my coworkers because conversation may lead to my personal life and they’ll think I’m weird too. They already think I’m odd that 27 years old I’m living on my own, no boyfriend, no roommates and no husband. I feel ashamed. I’ve also never even kissed anyone

I still sometimes feel like the school nerd on the inside who is mocked by everyone and not sure where to start

Fix this part. Get therapy if you can - otherwise, start a new thread asking for self help recommendations & ideas. It'll be easier to get going if you do see a therapist, though.

You aren't too old and it sounds like you're doing well at living a rewarding life! Half the problem seems to be that you don't perceive yourself this way.

You have time. What are your interests? From your post all it says is self confidence struggles, not nerd or unlikeable! You sound great, you just need to believe in yourself

It's not at all weird to be single at 27. Noone needs to know that you've never kissed anyone - that wouldn't be something to discuss with your colleagues anyway.

I agree you want to focus on buildings your life first. Try different hobbies and activities, start feeling great about your body - move it regularly in a way that feels good, learn to make nourishing food for it. Take care of it.

Try things that bring you joy, that allow you be creative, that interest you, that you find fun.

One of the wonderful things about being an adult is being able to leave behind the schoolyard/teenage judgements about what's cool and what's not. I remember when I was 26 meeting someone at work who was really into birdwatching. It was delightful to see how excited he got about it.

You only have one life. Start living it.

Take the focus off having a relationship. It sounds like you had a rough time growing up and are carrying that with you. I’d second therapy to help you work through it, and then look at how you want to live your life, for you. You don’t need to fill some societal role of ‘how life should be’, think about what you like do to. When you are happy with yourself you may, or may not, meet someone you want to share that with but either way you’ll be enjoying the life you have xx

Your only 27 so you have p!Sandy of time to.meet someone ,but you do sound like you have low self esteem and you need to work on that .

Plenty*

There is someone for everyone, plenty of men were also the 'school nerd' and have still not had relationships by the age you are now. I read the other day that the average age of a first relationship is 19.5. I agree with the PP about therapy and working on repairing the trauma of years of bullying. Hopefully that means you will be equipt to form a healthy relationship from a place of self love and confidence when the time is right. The effects of bullying in formative years are so significant, I'm sorry you went through that.

You need to be out there to meet people. Do socialise with work, just say you are currently single if they ask. Hobbies are a great way to meet people or volunteering.

Of course you aren't too old!

I do think there might be ways to maximise your chances of meeting someone suitable - what worked for me (as an overweight and socially awkward person) was joining hobby groups. I met my partner in a martial arts group, and previous boyfriends through a board games group. They were spaces I found people I had stuff in common with.

I agree there might be a point to think about whether therapy might help with how you feel about yourself.

Life between 12-21 is nothing like life from 22-30 in my experience. People grow, most mature.

Dont let your past determine your future. But the first thing you need to do is start appreciating yourself a little more before you think about men. As in find your self worth first. Dating is a leaning curve, you’ll probably have good and bad experiences. Mid/late twenties is a perfectly good age to start dating; just because it’s not what the majority do doesn’t mean it’s weird.

@Whataretheodds said everything I wanted to say beautifully!

The good thing about your situation is you have nothing tying you down. You can try anything! So pick something, give it a go. If it doesn't bring you joy, try something else. Eventually you will hit upon something that gives meaning to your life and, in trying lots of different experiences, you become a well rounded human being who has lots of things to share with others.

27 is still young, you have so much life still to live....

OP you won't believe me but you are really young!

You can take steps to improve your life

Get therapy - you have very low self esteem

Take up exercise - it helps boost your mood

Take up an activity outside work that involves other people. Dancing? River bank clearing? Art classes? Languages?

Does your local pub have a quiz team you could join?

Don't be afraid - go and grab life!

Yes it’s uncommon but no, you’re not too old. Try and know how lucky you are to be 27. HoweThe next five years will be a steep decline so you’re absolutely right to want to take steps to the life you want now. At a guess you missed out on the dating scene as a teen and young adult because of your social issues and probably lack of self- esteem as well. Then it just naturally got harder as you got older.

A lot of it will be to do with not having had people to go out and meet guys with. I’m not really what to advise you. I’ve been in one long term relationship, it was terrible. So I’ve been single for several years and I now can’t imagine being in a relationship again. And I don’t actually want to be, not all these years till now anyway. Men aren’t everything and there’s nothing wrong with you.

Maybe you could try temping on Saturdays in some thing that gives you purpose. It’s a good way to meet people

Hi OP- this was me at 30. Terribly low self esteem and a belief I’d never meet anyone. I met my ex at 30 and all these fears and years of self flagellation melted away and we had a very happy relationship. Unfortunately, he recently broke my heart and I’ve been through therapy but I’ve recently started seeing someone else… there is hope.

It feels like such a big deal when you’re going through it but it really isn’t. Be confident in yourself and believe that you deserve it!

You need therapy and to engage very seriously with it. Figure out what is stopping you being what you want to be, and come to terms with your past so you can stop letting it define you. Take the focus away relationships for a year or two, and build your self-esteem, find some things you love. You have lots of time.

Firstly I am sorry that you have been treated so badly by so many people. The bullying is a reflection on the arseholes who did it and not you. I can see how that would destroy your confidence and leave long-lasting scars. It sounds like you are doing really well in some aspects - career wise and in terms of salary and academically too And you should be really proud of yourself. I know its easy to say but who cares what those other people might think? Everyone's life is different and starts at different points. It's entirely upto you what you share with them. Having your own living space is nothing to be embarrassed by.

There are small steps you could take to address some of your situation though. Things like learning how to drive, developing hobbies around things you are interested in. Even fitness and weight if that's something you want to do (only mentioning that since you mentioned it).

I am not saying moving forward is easy but it's definitely possible. It sounds like the a big thing to do thing might be addressing the effect years of bullying and shitty so-called friends had on your confidence and self-esteem.

Besides being a 'nerd' just means you have to find people who share your interests. I would think there are lots of people who share them.

No, it's not too late, of course not.

I'd reclaim nerdiness. But I love nerds. Am one, married one, raised a couple of happy ones. What's wrong with being a nerd? Immature normies may have bullied you but there are lots of adorable nerds in the world. Why not try dating some? You know the type. Clever men who are socially shy, and may themselves be lacking in experience, but are kind, have good jobs, quirky humour, lots of niche interests.

You can start by growing more of a life for yourself outside of work. Start going to the gym, bootcamp, running club, wild swimming, hiking, cycling, kayaking or rowing, climbing wall, weightlifting, yoga etc. Do a few different fitness things every week, some indoor, some outside, as this will improve your weight and strength (which does amazing things for your confidence.) It will get you out of the house and give you positive things to talk about when colleagues invite you to socialise or ask about your weekend.

I agree with PP that some gentle therapy or counselling (CBT could be really helpful here) would challenge the way you perceive yourself and allow you to have a more positive and generous self-evaluation.

Start developing your style by noticing how other people dress in ways you really like, rather than ways you think you ought to like. You might discover you like to look sporty or a bit goth or dark academic. The right look will attract the right sort of man.

When you feel ready, just try some online dating but don't be generic. You're more likely to attract the right man by saying Geek girl seeks lovely nerdy man for... than trying to fit in with the kind of people who you didn't feel at ease with in the first place.

Ooh - the other thing I'd say is Travel!

It really does broaden the mind. As PP said you have nothing tying you down, go and be free (can you take a sabbatical? Would you do something like VSO?)

Oh and one more thing… after my heartbreak and resulting mental health crisis, I promised myself I’d try at least one new thing a month in 2023. And I’ve stuck to it… from escape rooms to pole dancing, scuba diving to Duolingo. I do it for me, no one else and it builds confidence. Throw yourself into things.

Start my focusing on yourself. Try to find something you enjoy. Join a local "hobby' group: walking, knitting etc.

Erm hang on a moment - two masters degrees???! Amazing 👏

Yes!

Sorry forgot to add; volunteering is a good way to feel better about yourself whilst helping others. E.g Macmillan buddy scheme.

Also the colleagues must be very narrow-minded think they really it odd that someone lives alone - why should you be living in a houseshare if you don't have to - they're not always fun...

*think it odd