Be honest - am I too old?

[PlzBehest]

… to have never been in a relationship? I am 27 years old turning 28 years old this year. Most of my former school friends got married years ago and everyone I knew from school either is in a long term relationship or married at this point.

I don’t know how or why life skipped me over. I used to dream about having a boyfriend since my teenage years. It’s only now reality is dawning on me. I genuinely cannot believe this has happened to me.

I really don’t understand why.

A bit of background, I was considered an uncool nerd when I was in school. Always bullied, always made fun of by everyone, friends included. When we turned 16 and my group of friends started having boyfriends, they all ditched me and only me and left me out of everything.

I was bullied all the way throughout university, didn’t make a single friend. I struggled through two masters degrees, too shy to try to befriend anyone, when I tried to plan a dating life, people told me and that it would happen naturally so I decided not to bother.

I’m now in a mid-level job, live alone and earn only £35k a year (which I know is low for MN). I don’t drive, I don’t have any hobbies, I am quite overweight but trying to lose weight and try to wear clothes that suit me. I feel like starting to get a boyfriend at this age will be hard, yes the men my age are no longer the immature boys who made fun of me and the women are no longer the mean girls who mocked me but I still sometimes feel like the school nerd on the inside who is mocked by everyone and not sure where to start looking or how to make someone like me and want to be in a relationship with me.

I don’t even know what my parents think of me because this is very weird at this point. I’m also too embarrassed to go out with my coworkers because conversation may lead to my personal life and they’ll think I’m weird too. They already think I’m odd that 27 years old I’m living on my own, no boyfriend, no roommates and no husband. I feel ashamed. I’ve also never even kissed anyone

darling, you are NEVER too old, for anything!

❤

Hi OP,
I think it might be useful for you to explore how you look at things - maybe in some therapy. You seem to read a negative where there is none.

E.g. You find living alone embarrassing. Loads of people aspire to live alone but can't afford to. Even people living in relationships and families will surely recognise the upsides of being able to have your own space. I for one imagine watching TV with a glass of wine and my feet up in a feminine cosy living room with cream carpets and faux fur throws - rather than my reality of treading on spaghetti and finding apple cores under the table. I would seriously love a bit of that life! There are pros and cons to each way of living.

You say you don't want to socialise with colleagues because you are embarrassed of your relationship history. It is easily glossed over. If they ask you about relationships/boyfriends just say "nothing serious" or "no one special at the moment" you are under absolutely no obligation to give a full and honest account of your dating history or lack of. It is none of your business and nothing wrong with a harmless lie or telling someone "erm mind your own business" with a smile if they probe too personal.

Your earnings are good. I believe that's about an average full time salary - and there is nothing wrong with that unless you feel that half the population are underachievers. I earn 22k and I'm happy. Don't have a rich husband he earns about the same. Sure more money would be welcome but I don't judge myself badly for not being a high earner and I'm lucky enough to like my job. I don't think I would cope well with the stresses that come with most well paid jobs and I accept that aspect of myself. I can appreciate more money would help you achieve goals and socialise more - but it's a means to an end not a measure of your value.

I agree with the advice to try online dating (safely, meet in public, go at your own pace) but you need to come from a place of accepting who you are/where you are at rather than trying to be a different person. The best thing you can do is decide to meet people and have fun doing so rather than expect to meet a life partner. Perhaps decide to have low key dates like meet for coffee or to always insist to pay your way to take the pressure off you feeling you owe the person anything.

That’s unusual to have not even kissed anyone. I expect no one will agree with me, but I’d say try online dating! Give it a go! Meet different people. Don’t let them know you’ve not kissed anyone, if anyone asks about your past you don’t have to answer anyway as it’s no one’s business but yours.
you’re definitely not too old.

Hi OP, 27 these days is young and no age at all, and you are doing so well! I know quite a few people in their 30's still living with their parents. 35k is a very decent wage.
To echo most of what has already been said here - focus on yourself first. Some form of counselling could really help. Hobbies too, such as baking, painting, needlework, walking, travelling etc. It will probably be a bit trial and error until you find something that you enjoy. You could try Meetup, it's an app where you can find groups to socialise with and is a good way of meeting people and trying activities.
Exercise too, again it's about finding what you enjoy. I've always struggled with exercise but I've recently discovered Bounce and I love it!
Best of luck x

I haven't read the whole thread, but no it's not weird to have not had a relationship yet at age 27 and it's not too late. However, your complete lack of confidence and self-esteem screams from your OP and without those two things you will find it hard to meet and form a relationship with someone decent. You are clearly still traumatised by the bullying you experienced in your younger years and that has impacted how you feel about yourself to this day.

I would advise finding a good therapist to help you work through your feelings of inferiority and work towards building a better relationship with yourself. Because until you like and respect yourself and see yourself as a person who is worth something it's not advisable to look for a relationship, as if you end up in one it may well end up being abusive. It is very important to have boundaries and self-respect in all areas of life - with family, friends, colleagues and in love relationships. Without self-respect, you risk being treated badly once more.

I have a friend who is 54 and has never been in a relationship.

Quote
"Thanks for your comments. All of you are being soo nice. Still don’t know why men don’t want me or what makes them want to be with other women. I’m not interesting enough?"

Just be alert to the fact that some men will want you for the wrong reasons - to move into your home/to leach off your salary or so that you can wait on them - or all of the above.

You might be vulnerable to someone taking advantage of you because you really want to meet someone. Take your time. Build a friendship and some shared history before you think of moving in together. Beware if someone seems too good to be true - look up "love bombing" and be aware of it. Build a solid foundation of friendship and you won't go far wrong.

Do you even want a relationship OP, or is it more that you think you should have one?

The one thing I'm not seeing in your post is that you have ever actually fancied someone, found someone attractive, had a crush on them.

A relationship is a two-way thing, it can only happen when two people each find the other attractive.

You do sound like you have low self-esteem, but you also sound like you are in a place where you could just go out and do things that interest or excite you, and just do them for you.

Some people, for whatever reason, aren't really cut out for intimacy and sharing their life with someone else. If that's the case with you, then maybe you need to focus more on enjoying the life you have rather than wistfully wishing for something unknown to come and carry you away.

It's also possible of course that while you are off doing your own thing you just happen to meet the partner of your dreams :)

You've had some brilliant advice above. Especially that you need to build your self-esteem both for your own happiness and to help you connect with new people.

What sort of area do you live in OP, and have you lived elsewhere during your studies or whatever? I ask, because while in some parts of the country people may aspire to marriage and kids young, I spent my 20s and early 30s in London and it was more unusual amongst the professionals to be in LTR or married until much older. No one would think twice about a late 20s person being long-term single or living alone (other than living alone being expensive in London!). I wonder if you were in a different environment you'd see your situation is less odd than you think. You also see such diversity in fashion, hobbies and cultures, it's much less homogeneous. You're currently surrounded by people who sound a bit small minded, as though there's only one acceptable way to be.

I agree with the above poster who said "embrace the nerd!". Too right! Obviously to some extent we all have to abide by social norms, but maybe it's time to cultivate and love your quirks and interests and want to believe it's your positive. Sure, some immature types will still dislike that, but you can't win with them any way. There will be plenty of lovely "nerds" out there who you may have lots in common with both as friends or partners. But you do need to get out there and believe in yourself.

Another thing to really take on board OP is that people who are comfortable in their own skins are attractive to other people.
If you exude confidence, are happy, quick to laugh (at yourself particularly) or even if you can only muster an enigmatic smile men WILL be attracted to you.

Get therapy to ditch the low self esteem and negative attitude to yourself and you will see such a difference!

I don’t know about anyone else but looking back I wish I hadn’t been in a relationship before the age of 30!! They were all terrible. The men were immature, non-committal, I was cheated on a few times and I definitely was not in the right state of mind myself at times to be in a healthy relationship. I’m sure I did my fair share of being immature and non-committal too. I am now a completely different person than I was and realise that I could never have been happy in those relationships because I wasn’t happy in myself. All the pp are right - you need to work on yourself first, get yourself to a happy place and at least then you’ll have the confidence and self respect to find a decent loving relationship that you deserve.
Here are my tips:

1. get some exercise - do couch to 5k which is free, you can do anytime and loads of people really enjoy it.
2. behave each day as you would if you are already in a relationship - do your hair, put on your makeup, wear something flattering, go to farmers markets or the cinema or whatever you think people in relationships do. Don’t sit at home just acting like a sad person who is not in a relationship.
3. start looking at hobbies you might enjoy - I have found this difficult because I think I don’t know what I want to have as a hobby but you might just need to try lots of things. Bonus points if it might be a dating pool but even if no potential there you will need to have something interesting to talk about on your dates. I would recommend a ‘challenge’ - anything from climbing the three peaks to trying every variety of tea they sell in whitards. Talk passionately about it.
4. set up a Tinder profile and chat to people. Even if you don’t think you will go on a date with them, get used to chatting and flirting. It’s a skill that you can learn. Think of interesting conversation starters, get used to giving and receiving compliments. If you say something stupid or the convo goes in the wrong direction then just delete them and start swiping again.
5. go on any dates you are invited on, it doesn’t matter if you don’t see them going anywhere. You need to practise dating. I love first dates because you get to be the best person you can be. Dress up, think of conversation topics on the way there for any lulls, laugh a lot but always be home before midnight and always be the one who has to leave first. Don’t drink more than 2 glasses of wine.
6. keep your standards high! I’ve said to accept all dates but that does not mean that you have low standards for your relationship. Make a list of non-negotiable that you want in a partner - looks, personality, background, outlook, future plans, and when you find ‘the one’ you will know which ones you are ok to negotiate on.

I’m excited for you!! You’ve got it all ahead of you :)

I was my DP's first girlfriend. He was nearly 31 when we met. He had been too busy prior to that looking after family members and building his career, working 12 hour days and clawing his way up. I admit I was cautious at first but he has been the most amazing, caring, considerate partner and has never made me doubt him or regret taking the chance once.

You can be that for someone else.

You've had some great advice upthread. Remember that as far as your workmates are concerned they only know what you tell them.
eg:
Nosy workmate "Are you seeing anyone?"
PlzBehest "Nah, not at the moment, I've been focusing on my career."
Nosy workmate "When did you last date?" (Can't believe anyone would actually be this nosy or blunt, but let's pretend...)
PlzBehest "Oh god, it feels like forever. Long term singleton here, but if you know any nice men...?"

then you've brushed them off, not lied and even turned the conversation around to a new topic where they might set you up! Just practice these kind of responses to potential questions to give yourself some confidence, but don't shut yourself off from socialising or new experiences and opportunities. If you do what you've always done you'll get what you always got x

Hi OP. I haven't read the other posts but thought I'd share my story. I'm 43 and single. I've never had much luck with boyfriends. But I really wanted to be a mum. By 36 I'd had zero luck finding someone and my friends were married with young children. I had no one to do anything with and felt a bit like you. I was earning similar to you and owned my own house. I realised that I was happier than those in relationships so just got on with life. At 37 I decided to become a solo mum by choice and used donor sperm to have a baby. It hard work doing it on my own but I have an amazing 4 yr old son. I realised that I have life easier than my friends who are all with the dads as o don't have to make joint decisions. It can be lonely at times but i usually feel like this when I'm tired. My advice is to give it time. You may meet someone in the next few years but even if you don't there are ways of having the life you want just minus the man.

@PlzBehest you are not too old. I was in the same situation at your age (I'm now 35) - no boyfriend ever or even been kissed! Also at school I would be the nerd one that would be focusing on studying and getting good grades.
In my late 20s, I would go out with my group of 4 friends and all of them would get a guy to speak to them or dance with them and I will be the one holding the bags/coats or making sure they were not stolen. I think I was seen as the responsible/mum one of the group and also behaved like that unconsciously.
There was one moment in which I thought I would never get a partner and all of them would be married/living with a partner with kids...
There was a moment in which my brain clicked and said, enough is enough and I decided to put myself out more and to be more comfortable with myself. I confided how I felt to one of my friends and she made sure I wouldn't be the one left with the things while going out and also encouraged me to use online dating (specifically tinder). I am not a one night stand type of person so made sure I put that on my profile.
It took time, useless dates, dates cut short but at the end I met my now husband after turning 29, got married at 31 and now have a lovely 1 year old daughter.

My advise would be: don't despair, don't focus on having a boyfriend. Be comfortable and in peace with yourself, don't think you are less for not having one. It will arrive but also, it is not the end of the world if you don't have a partner. It took me time to realise this!