Be honest - am I too old?

[PlzBehest]

… to have never been in a relationship? I am 27 years old turning 28 years old this year. Most of my former school friends got married years ago and everyone I knew from school either is in a long term relationship or married at this point.

I don’t know how or why life skipped me over. I used to dream about having a boyfriend since my teenage years. It’s only now reality is dawning on me. I genuinely cannot believe this has happened to me.

I really don’t understand why.

A bit of background, I was considered an uncool nerd when I was in school. Always bullied, always made fun of by everyone, friends included. When we turned 16 and my group of friends started having boyfriends, they all ditched me and only me and left me out of everything.

I was bullied all the way throughout university, didn’t make a single friend. I struggled through two masters degrees, too shy to try to befriend anyone, when I tried to plan a dating life, people told me and that it would happen naturally so I decided not to bother.

I’m now in a mid-level job, live alone and earn only £35k a year (which I know is low for MN). I don’t drive, I don’t have any hobbies, I am quite overweight but trying to lose weight and try to wear clothes that suit me. I feel like starting to get a boyfriend at this age will be hard, yes the men my age are no longer the immature boys who made fun of me and the women are no longer the mean girls who mocked me but I still sometimes feel like the school nerd on the inside who is mocked by everyone and not sure where to start looking or how to make someone like me and want to be in a relationship with me.

I don’t even know what my parents think of me because this is very weird at this point. I’m also too embarrassed to go out with my coworkers because conversation may lead to my personal life and they’ll think I’m weird too. They already think I’m odd that 27 years old I’m living on my own, no boyfriend, no roommates and no husband. I feel ashamed. I’ve also never even kissed anyone

*people told me and that it would happen naturally so I decided not to bother.

This is the biggest lie out there. I have a friend who thought this and she's still single at 40. Every person I know in a relationship went out and actively tried to find someone.

Anyway, you're definitely not too old and you sound like you have lots going for you. But don't sit back passively and let life pass you by. Maybe seek some counselling for what you have been through.

This is horrible advice.

‘Just lose the weight’ 🤢 OP doesn’t have to be thin to be worthy of love, or attractive to men.

Nor is she anywhere near having ‘just enough time’.

I didn't meet my husband til I was 43 OP. Both of us had lived alone for many years. Never had anyone thinking I was weird for having my own place....quite a few people were jealous !!!! I feel you need to concentrate on feeling confident enough to socialise rather than getting a boyfriend.

A close friend of mine was older than you when she had her first kiss and boyfriend who turned out to be the love of her life and they are happily married.
My cousin was in her thirties in the same situation of being terribly bullied at school. She is very overweight. She met her partner in her mid thirties, he is shy and introverted. It was an online dating site. Lovely chap and they make a great couple. They are about to have their second baby.
Work on building your self esteem and seeing your worth. As others have said consider therapy. I did and it made a world of difference to me. Worth every penny.

OP , huge congratulations on your academic achievement, you deserve to be proud of yourself, and £35k is NOT a low salary, in general!

You really invested in yourself by getting all this qualifications. Continue that impetus! Weight: who cares. But health? Nurture yourself (this is different from giving yourself ‘treats’) . Eat healthy food (in healthy sized portions) that you actively enjoy. Take pleasure in being physical. Health and fitness will give you such a boost, and make you glow, inside and out.

Get a great haircut, buy an item of clothing every month that makes you feel good. (This is for you, nothing to do with how you look to others). Go to the cinema by yourself (I do this all the time) so that when everyone is talking about the film you can join in. Prepare a couple of questions to ask other people about it. “What did you think when she said xxxx” “I heard there has been criticism that xxxx, what do you think?” etc. Asking someone’s opinion means they reply and engage with you. Make you part of the conversation.

You are not too old, 27 is not too old not to have had a partner… but you are too young to be stuck under a bushel.

This is lovely advice. Find your interests, get out there and meet people naturally through developing hobbies or skills. Be yourself. And make sure to keep an open mind when a slightly shy, unconventional man starts a conversation with you.

Also your salary for your age is above national average so I wouldn't worry about that being a factor.

It’s not strange to be single at 27. It’s weird that your colleagues think it odd that you live alone - I doubt they really do think much of anything about it to be honest, I know I’ve given less than a minutes thought in total to my various colleagues living/ relationship status over the years! Do you think you might be projecting your own feelings onto them, or maybe magnifying a throwaway/ thoughtless comment into ALL of your colleagues thinking something negative?

It’s unusual actually for so many of your school cohort to be married by that age.

You DO have plenty of time - ignore the previous poster who said you don’t. I didn’t meet my husband till 35 (he wasn’t my first relationship but that’s not really the point) and 40 when we had our child. My friend didn’t have a relationship longer than a few months till she was in her 40s, and now at 50 has an absolutely wonderful partner and pretty much a dream life really!

Thinking back to uni/ school life I can remember various people who didn’t have a relationship the entire time/ didn’t seem to be interested in dating much. One was a friend I’ve kept in touch with and she went off travelling and working abroad, eventually came home still single and then met and married someone in her early 30s.

The other thing is - it doesn’t particularly equate to happiness just because you’re in a relationship. I’ve been in a couple of long term relationships one now a marriage, and also had periods of long term singlehood - what I realise is I get just as sad/ down/ unhappy at times whilst in a relationship as I did when single - and times of equal happiness in both states too. It’s lovely to have someone to share your life with if that’s what you want, but it doesn’t fix underlying issues, stop you feeling like the unpopular school nerd inside or give you any increased self esteem - you kind of have to do that for yourself either way.

£35k is a good salary - mumsnet is weird and not real life sometimes! You’ve been in education a long time and your salary can and will improve. You’ve done so well with your academic success and to forge a career. Be proud of your achievements and resilience - they say a lot about your character and clearly point to strengths you can use to build a fuller life for yourself that’s more how you want it to look.

I know this is so easy to say but I’d focus less on the romantic/ dating side for a while - it can be a shitshow out there and if you’re already feeling wobbly and insecure it might not do you any favours/ might lead you to accept behaviours from men that you shouldn’t or further compound feelings of not being good enough.

I’d consider therapy/ counselling for the trauma of the bullying and how it’s left you feeling.

I’d also focus on building up some hobbies and interests and just get a sense of what you might enjoy and what might put you in the path of likeminded people who you can socialise with and make friendships in the first instance. Could be anything - get a notebook and fill it with a list of everything you’ve ever had even a passing interest in/ curiousity about. Places you’d like to visit. Groups/ events on in your local area that you could pop along to. Then when you’re feeling up to it pick one and give it a go.

Go along if your colleagues invite you too. If you feel nervous about your personal life coming up, either with them or when meeting other people then prepare some stock responses if the question comes up. They’re unlikely to ask you ‘have you ever had a boyfriend’ so the only question you’re really going to get is if you are with anyone currently and a simple ‘ nobody special at the moment’ or ‘haven’t met the right person yet’ or just ‘no’ is enough - you don’t have to fill them in on your life history if you don’t want to. If the subject of living alone comes up you can just say ‘yeah, I like my own space’ or divert the subject - say oh yes I live in x area, it’s great but a bit of a commute to work, how about you what’s X like to live in?’

On the weight thing - I’ve never really been short of male interest/ partners and I’ve been big and slim and various points in between. It limits the pool a bit maybe, and doesn’t help with your own confidence but it’s not a reason why you wouldn’t find someone on its own. A while ago I started the slimpod programme which has been really great for me - helping me build much healthier habits but also works on confidence, mood, general well-being. Helps to tackle a lot of self-limiting beliefs and has had me trying things and putting myself out there in ways I might have avoided previously. It has quite a strong support network with Facebook groups, zoom calls, people buddying up etc. It does cost money and I’m sure it’s not for everyone so please don’t think I’m on commission or anything - but just wanted to mention in case it might be helpful.

Sorry about the bullying OP - i went through it all my school life and had it as an adult too (early on). Well done for getting out of it.

Hobby - find something, anything you like. Reading? Book Club. What about the gym? Great place to meet people, get fit, and lose weight as you mentioned you wanted to. Do you like cooking/baking? Join a class. There are so many things you could do. 2 Masters? Youre a smart girl! try to see if you can take courses at work to climb the ladder - if not, maybe start looking for another job. Ever thought about joining toastmasters? Might help with confidence. Good luck OP. You can do it!

You're definitely not weird and sound lovely, and very self-aware. However dating does NOT happen naturally, especially these days. It requires a concerted effort.
Match and Bumble are two of the more 'gentle' dating apps, and probably the best to start out with. Why not give them a go?
Assuming a relationship is what you want, you don't want to be in a position where you're still only talking about it in your 30s! Take action, as it won't fall in your lap.
I'm overweight, in my forties, and have never had trouble getting dates.
Very best of luck!

Have you done any autism/ ADHD tests online.
I know I'll get 'everything isnt' about ND' but I always struggled with colleagues and friends and am diagnosed ADHD which explains a lot.

Oh, and if someone of your age told me they were living alone, my only thought would be 'wise woman'!

Oh love, there’s so much going on in your OP. I agree with other posters that a relationship with someone else should probably not be your focus when it sounds like you need to spend some time working through the issues in your life so far and learning to genuinely love yourself. I understand why, when your experience of social interaction has been so cruel and/or disappointing, you might view your whole life through that lens - but maybe try to change your perspective?

This might come across as a bit nanna-ish ‘look on the bright side’ but I genuinely thought reading your post, you may not have a boyfriend but blimey, look what else you’ve achieved! Two degrees, a well paid job, your own place and independent living at the age of 27. I know lots of young adults in their mid-late 20s who are not in relationships either, but also haven’t achieved a fraction of this.

You’re still extremely young and have laid a great foundation for yourself to live exactly the life you want. I hope some of the sound advice on this thread helps, and I wish you luck (and love!) in the future 💐

I wouldn't even think that. I'd have precisely zero thoughts.

A 27 year old living alone is entirely unremarkable. No one would blink an eye at it.

@Comedycook

Ok! Well, neither are negative viewpoints, so that's good.

I might think wise woman if she was in her forties or fifties and single without kids. But loads of people are single and childfree in their twenties. It's so normal to not have settled down with a partner at that age. Most people wouldn't give it a second thought. Op...you sound nice and like you have plenty of things going for you. It's really a lot about confidence...a cliche but true.

It sounds as if you find relationships hard full stop, not just romantic relationships. I'd suggest that you firstly embark on a more positive relationship with yourself, therapy for your self-esteem, explore and discover hobbies that you enjoy, experiment with make up and clothes that make you feel good. Look at different styles too and see which ones resonate with you.
Eat and exercise to make yourself feel good, not to attract someone else.
When you feel good about yourself start forming some friendships, then when you're feeling better about being more sociable generally. You could try online dating.
It's never too late but if you go into it with cripplingly low self-esteem the chances are that you'll end up feeling worse.
Go into it feeling confident and seeing it as a bit of fun and something new to try and it will be more positive.

Have a look out for a programme called "would like to meet" that was on BBC 2 a good few years ago. They took people who struggled to form relationships and helped them. You might find it interesting.

You sound very much like me at 27 (only I didn’t have two masters degrees. Well done you!). All of my school friends had settled down, and I was now the uninteresting single friend they didn’t want to hang out with anymore. I lived on my own and it was pretty lonely.

I think now I’d gotten very used to being on my own. I was very isolated because I was scared that if my school friends didn’t like me and they’d known me all my life no one else would. So I tended to not invite people from hobbies/work friends out for a drink/meal/cinema because I just thought I’d get rejected again. In the end I realised I’d have to put myself out there more and make an effort. I started saying yes to all sorts of social invites which I wouldn’t have before. I also wasn’t very good at understanding social cues like casual group invites, I always assumed they didn’t mean me. So when someone asked if anyone was going to the pub (for example) I just started turning up, rather than going home.

I discovered some people at work, who were living in a house share and were happy to hangout after work. We became friends, one of them introduced me to his best friend. I married the best friend 18 months later and we’ve been together 23 years now.

Try whatever works best for you, but you sound like a lovely person and I wish you lots of luck.

@Comedycook

I don't disagree with you! I think I was seeing it from a generic woman's point of view, rather than an age thing. And yes, I would have thought that women being married at 27 was the exception rather than the norm. It definitely happens later these days.

I didn't have a proper relationship until I was in my mid-30s and I am now happily married and have been for nearly 20 years.

Focus on losing weight (you will look more attractive to men).

Focus on losing weight (you will look more attractive to men).

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️
This is the worst possible reason to lose weight!

I mean, yes lose it because you will feel better, be healthier and have more energy to try new things but honestly if your only goal in weight loss is to make yourself look acceptable to some guy, surely you're opening yourself up to a lifetime of trying to be something just to get/keep a man's attention.

It is unusual, but I take the view that there's nothing you can do about the past, and that there's no point denying anything simple and true about the present.

I have a gorgeous friend who got very stuck in the idea that men would always prefer someone else to her. She did do some minor dates through her twenties, but didn't lose her virginity until she was past thirty.

What I noticed was this. She developed very full on, over the top crushes on men for whom she had a good excuse as to why it "couldn't work" or she "couldn't do anything about it". A friend's "ex" (aka snogged once or twice). A client. A work colleague. A good friend with severe MH issues. A friend who used to fancy another friend who she would endlessly compare herself to.

The crush would reach a peak, often be mutual, but as soon as the tipping point was reached, the excuse would be rolled out as to why it couldn't happen.

She was trying to date normally at the same time, and would dismiss perfectly ok men, whilst really fixating on her crushes (I am NOT saying that women should go for ok - just that there was something compelling to her about these "cannot be" crushes, who were often just as ok as her dates).

My point being, that it's easy to conceptualize rules and ideas about yourself in this situation - you want x but can't have him. Y wouldn't like me. Z would like me, but not because I've been single.

Do you have a good friend who you'd trust to talk through what they see about your behaviour and thoughts about yourself? A therapist would be good, but a long term friend might have insights that a therapist would take time to pry out.

The reason you have never had a relationship is nothing to do with your weight. Plenty of overweight women have relationships. ...like me 😂

Losing weight may help boost your self confidence and self esteem but do it for yourself.

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I was bullied too. It absolutely travels with you through your life. I think you should get some counseling and work on your self-esteem. Find things that make you happy. If you make social connections through them, even better. If you don’t, it’s not the end of the world. I am concerned that someone with your level of education is earning so little. Is your self-esteem affecting this or is your area very niche?

I met my husband at 33

I think it’s wonderful when you’ve had a full adult life before you get married. None of my friends were married before 30. Congrats on your two MA as well.

Life has barely started for you at 28, but you won’t realise that until you’re 50!

Your not too old OP, I wish I was still in my late twenties! It sounds like you need to build your confidence and put yourself out there a bit - go out with your co-workers and have some fun. Try not to worry about what others think of you and just be yourself, I found once I stopped analysing people's thoughts of me I was much more happier and confident. Men like women of all different shapes and sizes so give online dating a try and get some experience of going on dates