Be honest - am I too old?

[PlzBehest]

… to have never been in a relationship? I am 27 years old turning 28 years old this year. Most of my former school friends got married years ago and everyone I knew from school either is in a long term relationship or married at this point.

I don’t know how or why life skipped me over. I used to dream about having a boyfriend since my teenage years. It’s only now reality is dawning on me. I genuinely cannot believe this has happened to me.

I really don’t understand why.

A bit of background, I was considered an uncool nerd when I was in school. Always bullied, always made fun of by everyone, friends included. When we turned 16 and my group of friends started having boyfriends, they all ditched me and only me and left me out of everything.

I was bullied all the way throughout university, didn’t make a single friend. I struggled through two masters degrees, too shy to try to befriend anyone, when I tried to plan a dating life, people told me and that it would happen naturally so I decided not to bother.

I’m now in a mid-level job, live alone and earn only £35k a year (which I know is low for MN). I don’t drive, I don’t have any hobbies, I am quite overweight but trying to lose weight and try to wear clothes that suit me. I feel like starting to get a boyfriend at this age will be hard, yes the men my age are no longer the immature boys who made fun of me and the women are no longer the mean girls who mocked me but I still sometimes feel like the school nerd on the inside who is mocked by everyone and not sure where to start looking or how to make someone like me and want to be in a relationship with me.

I don’t even know what my parents think of me because this is very weird at this point. I’m also too embarrassed to go out with my coworkers because conversation may lead to my personal life and they’ll think I’m weird too. They already think I’m odd that 27 years old I’m living on my own, no boyfriend, no roommates and no husband. I feel ashamed. I’ve also never even kissed anyone

Thanks for your comments. All of you are being soo nice. Still don’t know why men don’t want me or what makes them want to be with other women. I’m not interesting enough?

Of course you aren’t too old

Get some therapy and build out your confidence and your life - once you are happier with how things are then use OLD

Experiences of bullying can really stay wit you, but it can get better. Your colleagues sound very dull.

I suspect you are disappearing into the background right now, which is typical of someone who has low confidence or has been bullied.

Focus on building yourself up and appreciating yourself before you worry about other people. Lots of people are single at 27, it is not something to panic about.

It comes across that you have got low self esteem, this is what i think you need to focus on first, you are you and you should be proud of who you are. We are all different and we are all a product of our experiences. If you had a rough time at school this may explain why you have had self esteem issues and not gotten into a Relationship. You sound like you are a really nice person but you don't think much of yourself, this needs to change, bit by bit, one day at a time. Be positive and promise yourself you will work on yourself and your well being because you are important and you deserve happiness.

Oh my word OP
You’re obviously resilient and tough as nails.

You’ve been bullied, and you’re introverted, yet you’ve still carried on getting a really good education and forging a career. All that other stuff is in the past, but your strength is something you built yourself, by scratch. No one can take that from you.

I truly think you are looking for approval and interest from the wrong sort of men. Avoid normal, average men.

DS2 is quirky in the extreme. Zero luck with 'normal' women. Zero self confidence. Then decided, after some therapy, to truly be himself on Tinder. Within a few weeks he'd met someone special and had a gorgeous first relationship and has had two less serious ones since, with women who are a bit unconventional. All lovely inside and out, and all appreciate him for who he is.

You’re probably not socialising with them

Are you actually trying to meet someone? From your posts it sounds like you never go anywhere or do anything where you would meet someone? If you aren't then it's clearly not that they don't want you just that they don't know of your existence yet.

Honestly, you are probably giving unconscious signals that you aren’t interested. I give unconscious signals that I am, even though 99% of the time I’m actually not. I’m quite a smiley friendly person, make a lot of eye contact, laugh a lot. With everyone. I’m also deaf, so tend to focus quite intently on what people are saying as I can’t hear them otherwise. But if you do that when you are alone with a man, especially in your 20s, they assume you are trying to get in their pants.

A lot of men will be potentially interested if they think you are already interested in them. I had men walk past my far prettier and thinner friend to get to me, in my early 20s. I was absolutely nothing special to look at - if anything I looked a bit weird (small, ginger hair, dressed like a typical 90s club kid). Some of those guys just thought I looked easier to get into bed than my friend who clearly wasn’t interested in them, but some of them turned into long term relationships.

So essentially if you start giving more “I’m interested” signals, you’ll probably get more male attention in return. Improving your confidence and making more platonic friends will help you with that.

When it comes to attracting a partner, don’t focus on attracting them, focus on being attracted. If you are attracted to someone you’ll subconsciously (or consciously if you prefer) give signals and see if it comes back or not. Think about who you might like first, see if they’re interested and if not, start the process again.

Have you considered you might have ASD (Autism)? My husband was diagnosed later in life and he could have written this at your age.

💐OP, you sound like a lovely and accomplished person.

£35k is a decent salary - you’re 27 and have two masters degrees so you’ve only had max 4 years in the workplace?? You’ll earn more as you progress! And not having roommates is great- it’s fantastic you can afford to live without them, not sad. I know lots of people five years older than you who would love to be in that position.

Onto the boyfriend thing. I know it feels hopeless and you feel embarrassed by your inexperience. If you met a really nice man who you fancied, who shared your sense of humour and values, and after a couple of dates he told you he’d never had a girlfriend before, what would you think about him? That he isn’t worth dating? Or that he’s a great guy but nothing’s clicked for him before? I reckon you the latter, and any decent bloke (who deserves your time and energy!) would think the same about you.

I would really recommend giving dating apps a go. When I was very shy and inexperienced, there was something reassuring about knowing that if I matched with someone it meant they must fancy me too, at least a little bit! It helped me to see that I could be desirable. Be careful, take things slow, don’t get hoodwinked by players. But enjoy - there’s someone out there for everyone.

I'm not going to say it's the same, as there have been relationships in the past but out of 4 of us that have been friends since school, one of us lives with a man married with children. Another one of us has a child but is single, the other two single and no children, these 3 never married. We're ten years older than you so to imagine your colleagues think you are weird to live alone baffles me - I'd have LOVED to not have had housemates!

You don’t have plenty of time. But you do have just about enough.

Lose the weight. “Trying” isn’t enough. This is something within your control. Men are attracted by what they see.

Try online dating. If you are nerdy, select nerds. Ask them about their interests. Men who are older than you may be more ready to settle down.

Listen sweetheart, I think this is very common for your age group; I don't know why. I have two gorgeous DDs also in their 20s, fun and outgoing, both graduates etc, and neither of them has ever had a boyfriend either. They did courses that were female-heavy, and then there was Covid. I also have a 20 year old who's never had a girlfriend. I do worry about how they are ever going to meet someone, but as I say, things are really different from when I was young!

At uni, I snogged countless guys, had a couple of short-lived relationships, but only one long-term, and I married him. I think I gave out 'I don't put out' vibes, and I think my children are the same!

You need to find ways to meet people. Don't worry, it's not just you x

I went to an all girls school until 16 so was very shy and gauche.

At 17 I went out with a boy I met through friends for about three weeks, and kissed him once or twice but that was it, I then met a long term boyfriend who I went out with for 10 years. During that time I left home and bought a house and had a great social life with other friends and workmates, seeing my BF twice a week. Late 20s I realised we were going nowhere and moved on. It was weird - I didn't really know how to meet people or do 'dating' - so I was almost as inexperienced as you.

I was lucky that I had a good social life - but was very awkward with relationships. Decades later I'm married with teenage DC - but honestly, don't worry about being single at 27, it's no age! As PPs have said, try to join some clubs or find groups where you might have shared interests - and definitely go on those work dos! But try to appreciate yourself (2 masters!) and have some fun. There's no rush to get coupled up. (I met DH at 34 and married a few years later). Good luck.

Don't compare yourself to others.

I was the last one out of my friendship group to meet someone and have children.

We met at 31 & had our first at 32, fell pregnant with no2 at 33 and I gave birth at 34. Not married yet. But that doesn't bother me right now as I know it will happen eventually! X

I remember thinking this was important in my twenties. I had a brief relationship with a guy who was a tit and just messed me around, and instead of telling him to F off when I should have done, I bizarrely kept it going another 4, 5, 6 weeks cos it seemed like a relationship and its longevity was important.

It's not.

What's important - at any age - is whether you are happy and if not, doing constructive things to change that.

Don't bother looking for a relationship. Sure one'll plop into your lap when you're not thinking about it and are thinking of other things - maybe a different job, 'hobbies', travels, such like.

Agree with other ls that if childhood and adolescence was painful, maybe check out some counselling to get stuff off your chest and talk it through.

I agree with pp - don't let your past define you - take this moment as an awakening- decide you are going to get out and grab life by the balls, you are enough, you can define yourself, decide what you want and go for it, do not let the chance go - self awareness is your starting point - it is time to get going.

Honestly I’m being a bit lazy tonight but I just posted this in another thread. Adapt and use it as it fits.

Yeah this sounds like confidence more than anything else from your descriptions. Ok, she’s shy I take it. Not the worst thing to be. I like the suggestions of of finding a few clubs to join. But she has to do a little more than join, she has to actively participate. Is there something that she excited about that she can use to break out a little from her shell?

Going to give a weird example. There is a a very big crossover between knitting, gaming, and geekdom (for lack of a better term) think Marvel/comics/anime. So getting in the right knitting circle might open doors to the more gender neutral other interests.

I don’t have any hobbies

This is the bit that stood out for me. Think about something you are interested in and go and find your people. Hobbies are a gateway to making friends and meeting likeminded people. Once you've found your tribe, everything else will fall into place.

The secret is, boyfriend doesn't equal happiness/success/fulfilment. It's the cheesy ' find yourself', but really, fine what you enjoy and start embracing your own life. Have their been hobbies you're always interested in or groups that have intrigued you? Force yourself to both choose a social style group, look them up, and go. Instead of OLD, pick a new group each week to try, set yourself a chatting to people challenge and do it. Except you are there to see if you like them, not the other way round. Make friends, have fun and that paves the way for a boyfriend too- if he enhances your life.

I have a few friends who have never to my knowledge had a boyfriend. I don’t think they’re weird. One friend is very open about it and says she would rather be single and hang with her friends then waste time dating people she’s not really into. I really respect her for it.

You’re young! You have plenty of time!!

Honestly, it sounds like you could do with some trauma therapy (if you haven’t already) before you start dating. You’ve had a really awful time, people have been incredibly cruel, and that will have had a massive impact on how you see yourself, and how you respond to others.

Once you’re ready - and that could be 10, or even 20 years from now and you still wouldn’t be ‘too old’!! Just go for it. It’s easy to say ‘join clubs’ but actually, to start with, I think you might find online dating/apps easier. It’s a lot more up front, it’s clear what the intentions of others are, and you can ease in with messaging before meeting anyone face to face.

Also my SIL didn’t have a relationship until she was over 40. She lives with a lovely man now and they are really happy.