I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

exactly this. Some posters on MN will argue about anything. Guaranteed the majority of those saying OP is high maintenance for expecting people to honour their agreement would be saying YABU to a poster asking if it was ok to drop out of a party last minute - the vast majority of 'nobody came to my/my child's party/guests dropped out of the wedding last minute' threads on MN are always very supportive of the OP and castigate arseholes people who commit to things and then don't turn up. If OPs other friends and family were as rude as these women she would have been spending her big birthday alone and out of pocket.
Most people have neither the inclination nor space to 'just freeze' (and lots of stuff can't be frozen) multiple people's meals!

We don't know how many people came to the party and how many of DP's friends were invited - 5 out of 20 invitees dropping out would make a big difference in wasted money, food, and drinks, and look very obvious and embarrassing to OP.

Everyone saying she doesn't know how to make friends or she's coming on too strongly - She's had THREE YEARS of meeting them as a group, with their partners, etc. Again, elsewhere on MN people advocate inviting friends over/out for a coffee after meeting them once! If you can't make the 'next move' in a friendship after 3 years nobody would ever develop any relationships!

They are under no obligation to be friends with OP or come to her party if they didn't want to. But they should have just politely declined when she invited them. Saying yes to an invitation, putting in specific food and drink requests and then backing out is just basic manners, and I don't believe anyone who said OP was being U would be happy if that happened to them or their kids.

The only thing that was a bit harsh is that you seem to have only blamed the last drop out, who at least did have the decency to apologise in person and was in a bit of an awkward situation by the time everyone else she knew had changed their minds - the others in the group were as much to blame as her. Think it's completely fine to have told her though, who cares if she cried, she was rude! Your DP should be angry at all of the partners who let you down, not at you.

She says she doesn't know them all "that well" which is different from "hardly knowing them". They've seen each other at social events for three years at least twice a month. I haven't even spent that much time with my own sister in the last two decades.

It IS rude to accept an invitation ans drop out at the last minute because you got a better offer. If you didn't fancy it, or only wanted to go to hang out with your own friends, then you should decline at the start and leave the WhatsApp group.

Whether or not individual posters here dislike party games or find favours naff doesn't detract from the fact that this woman was rude and OP had every right to feel upset.

I’m not sure whether this person was justified in crying or not but either way the best course of action for you right now is to message her with a heart-felt apology for upsetting her.

If she is genuinely upset, then she deserves an apology from you as it doesn’t sound like you meant to upset her to the point of crying.

If she is being a manipulative bitch and turning the rest of the group against you then it is even more important you send that message so you can hold your head high and never be accused of being the one in the wrong.

If your partner is truly committed to this friendship group, and it sounds like he is, your relationship is doomed if a permanent rift is created out of this.

I suspect the twice a week for three years is a massive exaggeration. Her birthday party was two weeks ago and she hadn’t seen them since. It’s also likely she didn’t see them in the run up to the party as surely it would have been a conversation point and she hasn’t put that in her OP either.

Either way, whichever side of the fence you’re on, on this one, the truth of the matter is the repurcissions are for whatever reason they weren’t accepting her, have now been compounded. It’s game over.

it’s unusual though, 3 years of seeing each other a couple of times a week and the op says she doesn’t really know them, and wasn’t keen to be their friends in the first place.

im wondering if there is an ex wife or something in the background here. An Ow situation maybe. This sort of thing doesn’t happen usually without a reason. Effectively she’s saying she didn’t want to be their friend and they her.

I’m not sure whether this person was justified in crying or not but either way the best course of action for you right now is to message her with a heart-felt apology for upsetting her.

nah - a non-apology along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel like that" will do

They were rude. You don't ditch an invitation youve accepted because you got a better offer.

You do if it transpires that it’s turned into an event whereby you’d rather stick pins in your eyes.

a non apology is worse than saying nothing. If someone messaged that to me I would move from the OP has poor social skills, to the OP is a bitch keep my distance.

i know @RattleRattle and it's not something i'd do in OPs shoes because i would never have got into this ridiculous situation in the first place.
However, she is in this ridiculous position. It is full of idiots, the biggist is her DP, and i may be imagining it, but OP won't be having that much to do with them any more and doesn't now appear to care what they thing? In which case a non-apology (she has nothing to be sorry for) is the only apology i would be giving if i were OP.

Surely they didn’t really see each other 3 times a week for the past three years. Maybe 2022 but not 2020-2021.

how had it become 3 times a week all of a sudden? She said 2 x a week fir about 3 years

I voted YABU, mainly because it sounds like the OP's (perhaps understandable) frustration and hurt was taken out on one individual in the heat of the moment.

I am also a bit confused as to how 'wronged' the OP was, as I find the situation a bit confusing.

The way it's written, it makes it sound like the OP had committed to various expenses weeks in advance - at one point she says,

Some dropped out early on, others left it until a couple of weeks before, then the last one a few days... The ones who dropped out within a couple of weeks knew that I'd already made effort planning games, spent money on food and drinks for them, and had bought and handmade favours etc.

So only one person actually dropped out last minute.

Is this right ... the OP has a birthday party in which she decides to pick up the tab for everyone's food and drinks, in circumstances in which she has to commit to precise numbers weeks in advance? Along with the games and favours, this sounds a bit like a birthday party-cum-wedding reception-cum-baby shower, which may not have been what these ladies expected!

As such - was it made completely clear to the invitees that, as of [insert date] (this being "a couple of weeks before" the party), if they dropped out, the OP would still be on the hook to pay for their meals and drinks? Speaking for myself, without an express statement, I would probably have assumed that meals could be cancelled fairly close to the event (and certainly 2+ weeks before).

If they knew all of the above and they dropped out without offering to reimburse the OP, that is really rude. Ideally, the OP's disappointment should have been addressed direct with all the individuals involved, whether collectively or one-on-one.

However, life isn't always ideal - and although I voted YABU, I would also cut the OP a fair bit of slack, as it sounds like the party represented some much bigger issues, including ongoing issues with fitting into her DP's social circle.

Whether or not individual posters here dislike party games or find favours naff doesn't detract from the fact that this woman was rude and OP had every right to feel upset.

I think it is relevant, tbh.

It sounds like the invite started out as a birthday get-together, and then slowly escalated to something that not everyone was comfortable with. IMO it's quite telling that people were happy to go until OP started organising meals/drinks weeks in advance, homemade party favours and games - lots of people don't enjoy that kind of thing.

And as OP said herself, only one person pulled out last minute and that person had the balls to apologise. Everyone else dropped out weeks before (which isn't rude IMO).

From the OP, the party details were described from the start: "The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned."

*Is this right ... the OP has a birthday party in which she decides to pick up the tab for everyone's food and drinks, in circumstances in which she has to commit to precise numbers weeks in advance? Along with the games and favours, this sounds a bit like a birthday party-cum-wedding reception-cum-baby shower, which may not have been what these ladies expected!

As such - was it made completely clear to the invitees that, as of [insert date] (this being "a couple of weeks before" the party), if they dropped out, the OP would still be on the hook to pay for their meals and drinks? Speaking for myself, without an express statement, I would probably have assumed that meals could be cancelled fairly close to the event (and certainly 2+ weeks before).*

This confuses me as well. A birthday party where someone dropping out two whole weeks in advance would leave the host out of pocket is very unusual, and at the level I'd expect of a wedding reception. I don't think dropping out with two weeks' notice is usually rude.

If ... I’m not really friends with the host, I wouldn’t see my invite as genuine ... and I wouldn’t think the host is fussed either way if I turn up because she’ll have invited lots of others, many of which will be even closer to her. So I don’t think it’s a snub from the friends, but more that they didn’t see their presence as needed / important.

I once lived in a house that was converted into small flats and bedsits. One of the other residents once invited me to a party. I thought she was only inviting me out of politeness, but decided to show my face for a short time.

As it turned out, hardly any of her own friends turned up, but her younger sister brought along a lot of randoms that the hostess didn't know. She didn't want a lot of strangers in her small flat so she asked them to leave. I heard later that sister was weeping and wailing in the street about how mean hostess had been.

Hostess thanked me for coming, as I was one of the few people at her party that she actually knew.

Since then, I have never assumed that my attendance at a party or event is unnecessary, or that I won't be missed if I don't go.

I would have much preferred that they all just declined in the first instance, at least I would've known where I stood and not wasted my time and money.

This is it in a nutshell. Everyone had the chance and the right to say “Thanks for inviting me but I’m busy that weekend” or similar (and it seems some did). If, as some have suggested, they became less keen once they realised party favours and activities were involved, their options were to suck it up or accept the consequences - in this case, the OP refusing to say “Awwh, it’s okay, no problem” as they clearly expected her to do.

Actions have consequences and adults should know that. For this reason, I can’t feel too much sympathy for the woman turning on the tears. She had a choice - miss out on the concert because she already had a commitment, or decide that going to the concert was too good a chance to pass up, and accepting that meant she might upset the OP. Crying when she’s confronted is expecting the best of both worlds - she wanted to go to the concert and get to feel good about herself for apologising. It’s manipulative behaviour designed to make the OP the villain for not being gracious enough about the apology, rather than acknowledging the behaviour she had to apologise for in the first place.

Maybe it's just me, but I read it as though the WhatsApp was created to organise the party, not that she'd already organised and paid for stuff beforehand.

I mean, you can't pay for catering when you don't even know who is going to attend.

other than the games which I can understand people might not like (although you could just sit them out) - how are things like food and drink the "kind of thing" people don't enjoy? They aren't exactly strange things to have at a party and it's completely normal now to have to commit to at least exact numbers, if not pre-ordering in advance, for anything other than a very small group.

Same with the favours - they are completely inconsequential it doesn't matter if you like them or not, chuck them in your bag at the end of the night and use them or throw them away, the host will never know. I can't imagine how a small favour would make or break whether I wanted to attend an event?

It's just a pathetic excuse that makes no sense 'Oh I was so up for going to the party until I found out that it would involve FOOD AND DRINK. And the host had bought me a SMALL PRESENT TO TAKE HOME WITH ME. So of course I changed my mind, a PARTY with FOOD AND DRINK, how weird is that? Not my cup of tea!'

Really rude of them to drop out once they’d ordered food and you’d paid. Saying they got a better offer, basically, was very poor form.

BabyEl
I thinknwe are getting quite a one sided story here

😂😂😂

You don't say!!!!

She just didn’t like being called out for being a bit shit. This is on her not you.

Agreed