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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 08/08/2023 10:09

Nevermind31 · 08/08/2023 10:01

I’m not sure I understand… you planned games just for them, and bought specific food and drink just for them? We’re they not part of a larger party?

What's so difficult to understand? Lots of catering and cocktail making companies work on a per head basis.

These women confirmed to OP they were coming, OP would have therefore told the companies a set number of people and agreed to pay an amount based on this.

I really hate it when people act like they don't understand just because it's not something they do.

Catered dinner parties and cocktail parties are not something I do but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

GalileoHumpkins · 08/08/2023 10:09

Totally misses the point of the thread but how is having a big birthday (think 40th) outing?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/08/2023 10:11

I’m baffled at the idea that OP barely knows these ppl. She’s been with her DP for 3 years and has said they see them
a few times a month.

its her DP who’s pushing her to be friends with them. It sounds as if OP is perfectly well aware as she’s excluded from the regular gatherings that all the other women have that they don’t want to include her.

Brefugee · 08/08/2023 10:12

This reply has been deleted

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don't be so patronising.
OP has other friends, she can hang out with those instead of caving into her DPs wish of hanging out with the mean girls.

1037370E · 08/08/2023 10:13

How many people were invited to your party, and how many attended in the end?

carrotsfortea · 08/08/2023 10:16

OP I think they behaved craply towards you. If they knew how much work you'd put in and said they were coming and put in orders etc. However, the one who actually apologised in person sounds the best of the bunch. Maybe she finally dropped out as she was worried about going without the others or not knowing people and at least she had the politeness to apologise to your face which none of the others have. So I might be inclined to get in contact and smooth it over with her. I suspect she is feeling bad.

But you do talk in slightly over-inflated terms about being the one who is wronged etc. In the scale of things, this is a bit annoying and very casual of them about something important to you, but you haven't been "wronged" as such. I'd save that sort of thinking for far bigger deals.

That said, you have obviously been hurt and it wasn't great of them. I'm also not sure about all this partners texting each other to put pressure on, or your partner putting pressure on you about it. That seems a bit childish. She should really be able to talk to you herself. I would not accept my partner dictating how I had to be, or get on with a group of people like that. Even so, I think I'd try and contact her as she sounds like she was more aware than the others and she sounds like she does care that she upset you. It shouldn't take such drama. Just a look I was a bit upset but appreciate you spoke to me about it, sort of thing - let's start again. See what happens.

I wouldn't like the expectation to be a satellite group of women around the men as you describe in your post though. You are your own person and you were making the effort because of that pressure in the first place and it backfired. So perhaps in future listen to your own gut and forge your own furrow with friendships etc. I know how these expectations in groups can be, and it can be oppressive sometimes.

Ihearticecream · 08/08/2023 10:21

She’s crying because she knew she f*cked up.
Unfortunately all the other women will flutter around and make her feel like it was your fault.
The women’s husband is causing as much drama as anyone else as he didn’t need to say anything.
Like you say, don’t bother in the future.

LuluBlakey1 · 08/08/2023 10:23

You lost me at 'drinks orders and games'. I hate 'party games' and why would you have to order your drinks in advance?

However, I would have just said 'No thanks' at the invitation stage, not said yes and then dropped out. So if they knew at the start there were 'games' and accepted the invitation that's pathetic, but if they didn't find out until after they accepted they should have just said 'Thanks but I'm not able to come/not my thing' as soon as they received the invite.
What were the 'games'? Why did people have to give you a 'drinks order'.

I hate parties that feel over-organised. I like a party in a house with a garden, decent food and drink (help yourself). I can tolerate a posh/casual one with people wandering round with wine/champagne and small eats. Good music, some dancing, inside or out.

Hate 'venues', 'menus', games , never heard of 'pre-ordering drinks'. Am always happy to contribute food/drinks. Not very sophisticated I know.

Paq · 08/08/2023 10:23

@GoingGoingUp but we don't know why other people dropped out, however we do know they didn't just say at the last minute "I got a better offer". That's breathtakingly rude no matter what has gone on before.

OP's reaction is undoubtedly coloured by previous drop outs but if someone did this to me I would not bother with them again.

drpet49 · 08/08/2023 10:29

BabyEl · 08/08/2023 07:05

something doesn’t sit right with me regarding the OP. Remember we are only getting her side of the story.

are these women really all in a big friendship group? So the husbands are all basically strangers and the women organise the getogethers? Didn’t sound like that from the OP. She says “his friends and their partners” so presumably these women are friends through the husbands.

maybe she’s just a bit weird. Maybe they only meet up once every few months. Maybe she organized this Elaborate event and women who basically don’t know her didn’t want to go?

she has pegged them as a bitchy group but they could all just be individuals who meet up now and again and didn’t want to hang out with a near stranger at an elaborate do.

when they were invited to the group did (they didn’t have a choice here) did they know they had to drop out immediately or be accuse of wasting OPs time and money? She says some ordered and then dropped out but how many? 10? Or was it one or two?

I thinknwe are getting quite a one sided story here.

I agree. OP is being quite evasive with details.

Elsiebear90 · 08/08/2023 10:30

I don’t know why people are defending rude behaviour, I assume it’s because they do this themselves? It’s incredibly selfish and rude to allow someone to go to time, effort and expense to organise something for you to attend and then drop out because you couldn’t be bothered or had a better offer.

I don’t blame OP for her reaction, just because someone apologises doesn’t mean you have to just accept it and let them off, she deserved that reaction from OP, maybe it will make her think twice before doing it again.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2023 10:34

They’re not interested in friendship with you.
Is one of the group an ex of your partner’s?

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 10:34

Yes, they should have been upfront from the beginning.

But people have other things going on than parties of someone they barely know treating them like a group of close mates, so they probably didn't give it much thought.

RattleRattle · 08/08/2023 10:35

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cloudydays97 · 08/08/2023 10:37

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This is ridiculous how is an invitation rude? If they were so disinclined to go, they should've have refused straight away and it's beyond rude for one of them to tell Op they got a better offer!

CherryMaDeara · 08/08/2023 10:37

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This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

These are women she socialises with TWICE a month. She does know them.

What's rude is accepting an invitation, agreeing to the host spending money on your food and drink and then dropping out because you got a better offer.

To try and twist this into OP being rude is seriously sly.

Brefugee · 08/08/2023 10:37

We are defending rude behaviour because inviting people you barely know to a party and then having a go at them when they drop out is rude.

haha no.

If they didn't want to go they should have pulled on their big-girl pants and said "thanks for the invitation, i won't be coming"

The later they pulled out the ruder they are. But rude people don't like being told they are rude. They need to own it and learn to live with it.

crowsfeet57 · 08/08/2023 10:38

Honestly I think these women were incredibly rude. You invited them out of courtesy and respect for your DP and that's their response. I taught my DD when she was 6 years old that you can't back out of a commitment because you get a better offer.

If they are treating you like this after three years, I wouldn't bother with them again.

Paq · 08/08/2023 10:39

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This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

She's known them and socialised with them for three years. Their partners are good friends. If OP was to marry her DP they would likely expect an invitation to the wedding. Let's not pretend they're some randoms she met at a bus stop.

RattleRattle · 08/08/2023 10:39

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RattleRattle · 08/08/2023 10:40

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Zebedee999 · 08/08/2023 10:41

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

What you did inviting them was a very kind thing to do with the best of intentions. I find it rude that not one of them made the effort to attend which would have helped develop the friendship. Shame on them and well done you. I wish I knew you, I like reliable friends who make an effort rather than fair weather types.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 10:42

But people have other things going on than parties of someone they barely know treating them like a group of close mates, so they probably didn't give it much thought

I suspect that’s it. If it’s a big birthday party and I’m not really friends with the host, I wouldn’t see my invite as genuine and would see it as being invited to make it a big party. I wouldn’t think the host is fussed either way if I turn up because she’ll have invited lots of others, many of which will be even closer to her. So I don’t think it’s a snub from the friends, but more that they didn’t see their presence as needed / important.

RattleRattle · 08/08/2023 10:44

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 10:45

Paq · 08/08/2023 10:39

She's known them and socialised with them for three years. Their partners are good friends. If OP was to marry her DP they would likely expect an invitation to the wedding. Let's not pretend they're some randoms she met at a bus stop.

Show quote history

My DH has a similar set up - friends going back years who meet regularly. I would never see their wives as friends or feel the need to invite them to my birthday - because they’re not my friends. They’re my husband’s friends. We have a laugh when we meet and so forth, and a couple of them are definitely actual friends with each other, but we’re not one big happy group of friends.

OP’s partner cocked up here by trying to
make the group something it’s clearly not.