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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not having family around of a few days after birth!

83 replies

vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:31

Am I being unreasonable that I told my boyfriend no family around our newborn baby for at least a few days?
He's really upset with me because I said I don't want his mum in the delivery room nor do I want ANY family for that matter (his or mine) around the baby for a few days after the baby is born. My reasoning is we have a 1.5 year old and he needs time to adjust to sibling life, I will need time to recover and lastly and most importantly we need to bond as a family!
I've never been a huge fan of his mum. She's totally overbearing and thinks I'm incapable of being pregnant and having a newborn. She's a know it all. She wants to be there as soon as the baby is born, and I have already said I don't want her in the delivery room. My mum is totally understanding and said we need to take as much time as a family as we can, but my boyfriend will not listen and wants his mum with us from day one!! He keeps saying to me how upset it's making him that I won't allow his family nor mine to meet the baby as soon as it's been born. Anything I can say to him to make him realise he's being selfish?
Or am I the selfish one?
I just don't want to be smothered and have my life and house interfered with as soon as I've given birth. In my opinion we need a few days to recover, bond and adjust as a family of 4 before people bowl their way in to meet the baby.

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 07/08/2023 17:34

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. You aren’t saying they can’t meet baby, you just want a few days to be a family first and that’s totally ok. Also it is not anyone’s decision but yours on who sees you give birth - if your boyfriend wants his mum there then he can try giving birth and see how he likes it!

I know it’s not easy but stick to your guns on this one.

Original poster
vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:37

Woahtherehoney · 07/08/2023 17:34

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. You aren’t saying they can’t meet baby, you just want a few days to be a family first and that’s totally ok. Also it is not anyone’s decision but yours on who sees you give birth - if your boyfriend wants his mum there then he can try giving birth and see how he likes it!

I know it’s not easy but stick to your guns on this one.

Thank you so much.
I'm getting so upset thinking I'm being horrible by saying wait a few days, he's made me feel really selfish. This comment has made me feel a bit better about it :)

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2023 17:40

They will be desperate to congratulate you and peek at the baby. One day your children will have babies and you will be desperate to see them asap too. I would tell your dh to make it very clear they are just to pop in for an hour and that's it as you need to rest.

Sparklesocks · 07/08/2023 17:42

I think it’s reasonable. You’re not asking for weeks, just a few days, it’s always a bit of a daze after birth and the ‘bubble’ can be comforting.

Danikm151 · 07/08/2023 17:44

Suggest you shove a melon up his bum- get him to push it out and then ask your mom to sit with him while he recovers. What would his response be?

yes you are having a baby but it’s also a medical procedure. A newborn can be overwhelming to get used to! A few days is nothing! Baby isn’t going to remember who was there right away.
They should all respect your privacy for a couple of days.

Summer2424 · 07/08/2023 17:45

Hi @vennomm you're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't want my mil in the delivery room. On the way home from the hospital my husband said to drop by his Mum's house so she could see the baby, i just wanted to go home but gave in and went round for half hour. I didn't have his family round until my baby was about a week old, even then i wasn't too happy about it but was put under pressure. I know it's so frustrating but please try not to get upset, you're not alone my husband was the same xx

Olika · 07/08/2023 17:46

Not unreasonable at all. Stick to your guns. Your 1.5y old and partner should be priority and then others after a while.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 17:51

Of course it’s fine.

Tell him that you are the one giving birth with swollen tits and battered bits so you will decide - and anyway one week with no visitors is entirely normal.

His job at this point is to support in what you want and look after the toddler, and not try and elbow in his mum.

The fact he wants his mother in the delivery room is very strange.

NancyJoan · 07/08/2023 17:52

You definitely don’t need a visitor in the delivery room, but if you let both mums come to the hospital once you are back on the ward/in your room, they can have their newborn baby moment then leave you to it for a few days.

crosstalk · 07/08/2023 17:53

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor Noooo! Many of us are really not like that. When my daughter gives birth, her DH will be in the delivery room - no one is muscling in there. And I will wait to be invited to see their baby. I can congratulate the parents by text - I don't need to see/touch/hold the baby until the parents deem it appropriate. *OP *ask your bf who is having the baby - you can discuss who visits when you see how you're feeling and how the other DC reacts. Quite frankly people cooing over the baby too much too early could make the older one jealous even if it wasn't before.

Original poster
vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:53

@continentallentil yep I thought it was totally odd and really annoyed me! Thank you so much for the advice x

OP posts:
DappledThings · 07/08/2023 17:53

Definitely not unreasonable to not want anyone else in the hospital. I remember planning to be just the three of us the first time having that time to adjust but when it came to it I had no idea what that actually meant. So PIL came over the evening we got home for a bit and my parents arrived on day 3.

With DC2 it was Christmas and PIL and SIL were already at our house. It's fine to want your bubble for a few days but again I realised I had no idea what I thought I wanted that time to be for and being around extra people was actually very normal and fine.

Original poster
vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:55

@crosstalk
Thank you xx

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 07/08/2023 17:56

I think it's such a shame to not let the grandparents pop in for 20 minutes, and I can't see how in the world it would affect family bonding.

But obviously we're all different.

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2023 17:57

These threads always come up and there’s a contingent (like me) who don’t care and happily had multiple visitors from day 1 at hospital and at home, and you who want to cocoon.

I don’t personally get wanting to be totally alone, but it’s not me and I didn’t.

However if you and your partner can’t agree then that’s a bigger problem.

You are of course not unreasonable to not want anyone you don’t want in the delivery room with you.

Original poster
vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:58

@WhateverMate it wouldn't just be 20 minutes

OP posts:
tt9 · 07/08/2023 17:59

personally I think no visitors for two weeks from an infection control point of view. both newborns and mums at risk of infection.

one week at a minimum...

but I am a bit paranoid generally...

BusyMum47 · 07/08/2023 18:01

@vennomm I 100% agree with you! You're not being unreasonable at all - he's being a twat for no reason. Tell him to grow a pair of balls & tell his mum to wait a few days!!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2023 18:02

NancyJoan · 07/08/2023 17:52

You definitely don’t need a visitor in the delivery room, but if you let both mums come to the hospital once you are back on the ward/in your room, they can have their newborn baby moment then leave you to it for a few days.

This is a good compromise.

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 07/08/2023 18:03

It's not unreasonable but I see it from both angles. Family will be excited to meet new baby and your bf probably excited to show new baby to the world. Equally they haven't just given birth and the 1st few days can be a whirlwind of hormones and mess. We compromised as husband was keen for family to visit. They came to the hospital where it was a more controlled environment and had visiting hours so had to leave at a set time and we agreed no one for a couple of days when 1st get home. That way we both got a bit of what we wanted.

NancyJoan · 07/08/2023 18:05

vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:58

@WhateverMate it wouldn't just be 20 minutes

Short visits much easier to manage while you are in hospital. His mum first, then when yours arrives she’ll have to leave.

Crossstich · 07/08/2023 18:08

I understand not wanting anyone else in the delivery room.It's strange that anyone would want to to be honest and aren't your parents or in laws looking after your older child while you have the baby anyway?
I don't see the harm in letting family see the baby once you are home though. That seems to be a recent thing when I had my children it was common to have visitors as soon as you had the baby.
I don't think it's necessary to cocoon yourselves to bond and it may actually help your older child if their grandparents visit.
But it's your choice and if that is what you want to do it's not unreasonable or mean to insist.

WeeOrcadian · 07/08/2023 18:09

Absolutely, definitely, 100% not unreasonable

I said the same - we had 2 weeks to get used to the new normal for us

EmeraldDuck · 07/08/2023 18:10

Danikm151 · 07/08/2023 17:44

Suggest you shove a melon up his bum- get him to push it out and then ask your mom to sit with him while he recovers. What would his response be?

yes you are having a baby but it’s also a medical procedure. A newborn can be overwhelming to get used to! A few days is nothing! Baby isn’t going to remember who was there right away.
They should all respect your privacy for a couple of days.

This.

Man tend to forget this is a massive medical procedure. While his mum is there bossing you about you will be bleeding and your womb shriking back down and everything else changing, bones hardening again etc.

Tell him that he is being selfish and even kind of a bully and you are not willing to discuss it anymore. Maybe send him some links to sites explaining what will be happening to you immediately post birth.

EmeraldDuck · 07/08/2023 18:14

tt9 · 07/08/2023 17:59

personally I think no visitors for two weeks from an infection control point of view. both newborns and mums at risk of infection.

one week at a minimum...

but I am a bit paranoid generally...

This is a very good point. My friend’s newborn was born healthy but died during the first week of an infection picked up in the first few days, we’ll never know which relative the germs came from, it all happened so fast and then she was gone. The danger is real.

I would now never allow someone apart from the parents / disinfected medical staff to hold a baby during the first week or two. If MIL’s top priority is being nosy instead of infection control then she can shove off. The fact that she asked to be at the delivery shows she’s got no idea of infection control or appropriate behaviour.

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