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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not having family around of a few days after birth!

83 replies

vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:31

Am I being unreasonable that I told my boyfriend no family around our newborn baby for at least a few days?
He's really upset with me because I said I don't want his mum in the delivery room nor do I want ANY family for that matter (his or mine) around the baby for a few days after the baby is born. My reasoning is we have a 1.5 year old and he needs time to adjust to sibling life, I will need time to recover and lastly and most importantly we need to bond as a family!
I've never been a huge fan of his mum. She's totally overbearing and thinks I'm incapable of being pregnant and having a newborn. She's a know it all. She wants to be there as soon as the baby is born, and I have already said I don't want her in the delivery room. My mum is totally understanding and said we need to take as much time as a family as we can, but my boyfriend will not listen and wants his mum with us from day one!! He keeps saying to me how upset it's making him that I won't allow his family nor mine to meet the baby as soon as it's been born. Anything I can say to him to make him realise he's being selfish?
Or am I the selfish one?
I just don't want to be smothered and have my life and house interfered with as soon as I've given birth. In my opinion we need a few days to recover, bond and adjust as a family of 4 before people bowl their way in to meet the baby.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 08/08/2023 18:19

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2023 18:02

This is a good compromise.

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Why only both Mums? Would the new grandfathers not count in this or are they second class citizens?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 21:08

His mother expects to watch you give birth? Is she on crack? Would she have wanted her own mother in law there with popcorn?

No. No. No. please tell DP if he brings this up again you'll replace HIM with someone more supportive - this isn't all about 'seeing the moment baby arrives' it's you going through a huge medical state with your private parts all out as vulnerable as you will ever be in your life.

Remind him also that you might have a c section, you might have a catheter in, you might have to stay in hospital, you might be going back and forth to appointments after baby is born, baby might struggle to feed - so no firm commitments to anyone unless they are planning to come over to be waiting staff making you tea and food.

I'm so curious though - what happens in birth one for your older DC? Who was there/when did they visit?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 21:11

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/08/2023 18:12

This baby is not yours alone, it is very unreasonable for you to expect to be the last word on what happens with the child. If you wanted to you could find a compromise.

The first 40 days is an absolutely sacred time of mother and child bonding when feeding is being established - baby needs to be attached to her, she needs to be calm and rest whenever she can, and she will be hobbling about bleeding, potentially recovering from tears or c section, with her cracked nipples out and unwashed hair smelling of milk. She definitely gets the last word on who visits her and baby's space during this early postpartum period.

Screamingabdabz · 08/08/2023 21:26

I had all my family around for my first and then said no to people the second time. We were happy for visitors eventually but I agree you all need time to settle and get used to it for the first week. I’m sure my MIL and SIL were disgruntled but it wasn’t meant horribly, it was just pragmatic. Getting our toddler son used to a new baby and new challenges before the family took over.

Your DH sounds unsupportive and immature. Something to keep an eye on op.

DappledThings · 08/08/2023 23:17

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 21:11

The first 40 days is an absolutely sacred time of mother and child bonding when feeding is being established - baby needs to be attached to her, she needs to be calm and rest whenever she can, and she will be hobbling about bleeding, potentially recovering from tears or c section, with her cracked nipples out and unwashed hair smelling of milk. She definitely gets the last word on who visits her and baby's space during this early postpartum period.

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That wasn't remotely my experience. First time I was recovering from a fairly bad tear admittedly. But established breastfeeding by day 3 and very much wanted to be out and about. Never felt anything to be sacred about it.

By the time DC2 was 40 days old we'd moved house.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/08/2023 23:26

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 21:11

The first 40 days is an absolutely sacred time of mother and child bonding when feeding is being established - baby needs to be attached to her, she needs to be calm and rest whenever she can, and she will be hobbling about bleeding, potentially recovering from tears or c section, with her cracked nipples out and unwashed hair smelling of milk. She definitely gets the last word on who visits her and baby's space during this early postpartum period.

Show quote history

@Unexpectedlysinglemum , I hear you but a child owes not belong exclusively to its mother. It really does not. 🙏🏻

gloriawasright · 08/08/2023 23:55

What you are wanting is a babymoon the newborn equivalent of a honeymoon .
Not in the slightest bit unusual.
You want to get to know your own baby before everyone starts playing pass the parcel with him/her.
Set the ground rules early,no visitors for the first few days ( or however long you want) and make sure any plans to visit you are run by you first.
That saves disappointment.
If anyone decides just to pop by in the spur of the moment,I would buy a "do not disturb" sign to hang on the door.

SunRainStorm · 09/08/2023 05:27

To all the posters who don't see the harm in having family 'pop in' for a 'quick' visit immediately after the birth- count your blessings that you have at least a somewhat functional and supportive family.

Not all families are harmless.

OP is entitled to set the boundaries she feels are necessary for the family she has, who don't sound respectful or supportive at all.

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