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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not having family around of a few days after birth!

83 replies

vennomm · 07/08/2023 17:31

Am I being unreasonable that I told my boyfriend no family around our newborn baby for at least a few days?
He's really upset with me because I said I don't want his mum in the delivery room nor do I want ANY family for that matter (his or mine) around the baby for a few days after the baby is born. My reasoning is we have a 1.5 year old and he needs time to adjust to sibling life, I will need time to recover and lastly and most importantly we need to bond as a family!
I've never been a huge fan of his mum. She's totally overbearing and thinks I'm incapable of being pregnant and having a newborn. She's a know it all. She wants to be there as soon as the baby is born, and I have already said I don't want her in the delivery room. My mum is totally understanding and said we need to take as much time as a family as we can, but my boyfriend will not listen and wants his mum with us from day one!! He keeps saying to me how upset it's making him that I won't allow his family nor mine to meet the baby as soon as it's been born. Anything I can say to him to make him realise he's being selfish?
Or am I the selfish one?
I just don't want to be smothered and have my life and house interfered with as soon as I've given birth. In my opinion we need a few days to recover, bond and adjust as a family of 4 before people bowl their way in to meet the baby.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 07/08/2023 18:15

Sounds like the issue is mil will move in if given an inch … aka I’ll just visit the baby and bring a suitcase and Dp can’t see this and/or would be happy as his mum would be doing all the work he should be doing.

Meanwhile mil will be telling op she should be capable of looking after newborn/toddler and her son and is just being a lazy cow (oh and if op stops breast feeding and gives baby to her to feed with a bottle life would better for everyone…)

I really hope I’m wrong op!

ooooohnooooo · 07/08/2023 18:15

Not unreasonable in the slightest OP, stick to your guns,

For all those who are happy to have visitors or see people within the first few days - good for you. OP isn't. She's the one that will have given birth, it is entirely her choice. It's not selfish and even if it is, I honestly think the days after giving birth are a time when women are perfectly entitled to be a bit selfish if they want!!

Just say no, OP.

tt9 · 07/08/2023 18:18

@EmeraldDuck that's really awful this happened to your friend. :-(

the truth is most people have no clue about infection control and I am always horrified by how lack of hygiene is generally prevalent in society.

and people who really care wouldn't mind waiting a couple of weeks to meet baby

TinyTeacher · 07/08/2023 18:19

Really amazed she wants to be in the delivery room! Labour is something that YOU do. The baby only turns up right at the end. It's an experience that is personal and private. The only people who should be present are who you want. I can't think of many people I'd want in the room less than MIL! It's not a spectacle, and it's not for public viewing.

A quick visit at the hospital (as suggested by PP) might be the best way to stave this off while still keeping boundaries - it's much as she to be strict on time at the hospital than if they visit you at home.

Making a bit fuss of New baby is tough on your eldest - they will be having enough to deal with without feeling that eveyone is coming to see the new baby. You need to stick to your guns to protect your child.

I'm the long run, it makes no difference to their relationship with the new child when they meet them - it's not like the baby will remember! So your existing child and YOU are the priority. Your bf does not give birth. He doesn't need to recover. Day 3 hormone crash with leaky boobs, irrational crying and potentially soreness when you wee etc... these are not things the need to be public!

Youre only asking for a few days, not a month. Hold firm.

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 18:20

I find this keeping family at arm's length trend odd, don't then complain they aren't interested in the future will you!

MrsRachelDanvers · 07/08/2023 18:22

It’s quite a reasonable request to want some time alone with your baby and get used to having your new arrival. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my dil wanted to have special time with their baby-would just tell them it!s a lovely idea and I look forward to seeing them when ready. I think your bf needs to listen to you and show some kindness and consideration.

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 18:24

I wouldn't have them at the hospital when I gave birth but were free to visit after. Mil wasn't interested anyway, she or rather her husband is bizarre.

I must have had 20 or more visitors in the 48 hours after getting home, it was lovely

megletthesecond · 07/08/2023 18:26

Yanbu. I did no visitors for 2 weeks after DC2. It was bliss staying in pj's and being able to relax and recover.

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/08/2023 18:28

I agree no MIL in the delivery room.

But I have to say I loved my visitors once home and I appreiacted the help.
Understand it's different for everyone but I couldn't imagine not letting any grandparents meet them for 2 weeks!

MammaTo · 07/08/2023 18:30

Definitely not in the delivery room, that’s a private and tender moment between you and your partner.
I don’t see an issue with stipulating they could visit for an hour once you’re settled back at home, just to see the baby. But if you’re really dead set on it then they have to accept your ground rules. Plus I think it’s fair of you to set this rule for both sets of grandparents too.

mcfartface · 07/08/2023 18:32

You're not being unreasonable you know what you need to recover from birth, he's being very selfish putting his and his mummy's feeling before your needs

Cherrysoup · 07/08/2023 18:32

Clearly a dp problem. If he won’t step up, you, unfortunately, will have to. In the delivery room? Jesus, no!

Tumbleweed101 · 07/08/2023 18:33

My poor MIL got stuck with me for the first few hours of me having a home birth as she was the only one close by and partner was trying to get out of work and the midwife was popping in and out so not with me the whole time. She made a hasty retreat when my partner got home though and things got more intense!

I liked having people visit with my first baby and my mum stayed for a couple of weeks to help as she wasn't local. However I ended up having four babies and I very much liked it just being us for my last two as I was calm and experienced by then. I think I preferred the quiet cocoon newborn bit. However I would have always allowed a quick hello from immediate family in the first couple of days so long as they didn't invade.

phoenixrosehere · 07/08/2023 19:02

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 18:20

I find this keeping family at arm's length trend odd, don't then complain they aren't interested in the future will you!

If all it takes for them to not be interested is not seeing a freshly birthed baby until the mum who grew and gave birth to said baby is comfortable with it then it’s for the best.

I think it’s pretty entitled to want to see a baby the moment they come out of the womb with no thought to the mum who gave birth. It is still a medical procedure and many women need time to catch their bearings. Some don’t mind visitors at the hospital but don’t want people visiting their home, some don’t want hospital visits and rather people visit them at their home, some don’t feel comfortable with either, and there are those who don’t mind visitors whatsoever, regardless none of it is right or wrong.

Original poster
vennomm · 07/08/2023 19:26

@phoenixrosehere thank you so much, I found the other comment a bit ignorant tbh and you've hit the nail on the head saying this! Xx

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 07/08/2023 19:56

gogomoto · 07/08/2023 18:20

I find this keeping family at arm's length trend odd, don't then complain they aren't interested in the future will you!

I think if your relationship is so fragile that a request for a few days alone before they come visit the baby single handedly breaks the family bond…you probably aren’t very close in the first place.

ForestGoblin · 07/08/2023 20:06

The entitlement some grandparents have towards their grandkids is creepy. It's not their kid! Not their body. Not their new life and new responsibilities.

Woahtherehoney · 07/08/2023 23:14

All OP wants is a few days with her little family in her house. Some people on here are going on as if she’s permanently banned visitors 🙄

Jamtartforme · 07/08/2023 23:19

WhateverMate · 07/08/2023 17:56

I think it's such a shame to not let the grandparents pop in for 20 minutes, and I can't see how in the world it would affect family bonding.

But obviously we're all different.

Because, while you may have a different experience, for many of us that ‘20 minutes’ turns into 4+ hours with everyone grabbing at the baby when it’s crying and clearly just wants mum.

Jamtartforme · 07/08/2023 23:20

Sparklesocks · 07/08/2023 19:56

I think if your relationship is so fragile that a request for a few days alone before they come visit the baby single handedly breaks the family bond…you probably aren’t very close in the first place.

Show quote history

Agreed. If you don’t feel bonded with your grandchild because you didn’t see them for 48 hours then a bond was probably never going to happen anyway.

Purplepeaches123 · 07/08/2023 23:23

I think not having his mum in the delivery room is fair but keeping family away from the baby for the first few days is unreasonable. I’d be devastated if my daughter did that, I’d have to suck it up obviously but it would hurt. Personally I loved having family visit, gave me a chance to hand the baby over and go for a nice long bath.

As long as they don’t stay for hours I really can’t see the issue.

Wishitsnows · 07/08/2023 23:25

Can you book your boyfriend in for a prostate exam and insist your mother and maybe one of your friends attends and is in the room for it?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 07/08/2023 23:35

Disinfected medical staff?? Surely soap and water is the standard...

purpleboy · 07/08/2023 23:46

Well it's obviously up to you, but I think it's a bit odd. I don't really understand the need to stop people coming round, and I can understand your boyfriends disappointment at not being able to show him mum your new baby.
But I come from a family where we are close and don't put up walls between each other, this does seem to be quite a common request according to MN, thankfully I don't know anyone in RL who acts like this though.

RagzRebooted · 07/08/2023 23:51

Who will be having the 1.5 year old while you're in hospital? Won't they see the baby when they hand them over?

This is how SIL ended up seeing DS2 and DD before anyone else, as she'd come over when I went in to labour and babysat. She took DS1 to hers for the night (I had a home birth with DS2) and brought him back to meet his brother the next day.
SIL stayed at mine with DS1 and DS2 while I spent a night in hospital then brought DD home. Where I promptly handed her over, declaring 'take it, it cries' and heading for a bath (DD cried in the car on the way home, it was a huge shock after having two that slept in cars!).
I don't remember when anyone else visited, but I don't think we ever had more than 24hrs. I wasn't fussed as no one was intrusive and certainly appreciated the help from SIL. I was really quite young when I had all mine though and hadn't particularly got any strong ideas of what I wanted/what was expected.

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