For not having family around of a few days after birth!

[vennomm]

Am I being unreasonable that I told my boyfriend no family around our newborn baby for at least a few days?
He's really upset with me because I said I don't want his mum in the delivery room nor do I want ANY family for that matter (his or mine) around the baby for a few days after the baby is born. My reasoning is we have a 1.5 year old and he needs time to adjust to sibling life, I will need time to recover and lastly and most importantly we need to bond as a family!
I've never been a huge fan of his mum. She's totally overbearing and thinks I'm incapable of being pregnant and having a newborn. She's a know it all. She wants to be there as soon as the baby is born, and I have already said I don't want her in the delivery room. My mum is totally understanding and said we need to take as much time as a family as we can, but my boyfriend will not listen and wants his mum with us from day one!! He keeps saying to me how upset it's making him that I won't allow his family nor mine to meet the baby as soon as it's been born. Anything I can say to him to make him realise he's being selfish?
Or am I the selfish one?
I just don't want to be smothered and have my life and house interfered with as soon as I've given birth. In my opinion we need a few days to recover, bond and adjust as a family of 4 before people bowl their way in to meet the baby.

I agree with her not being in the delivery room but to say no visitors for first few days is a bit unreasonable. It seems to be the way on MN to shut everyone out when a baby is born but not something I have experienced in real life. Most mums I know have always said to come round whenever we want straight away. For family I will see them straight away, friends I tend to hold back a week or so in order that their family get to visit first

Seeing a baby immediately does not mean a grandparent will adore it forevermore. Not seeing a baby immediately does not mean a reasonable grandparent will never bond with the child or help out in future. Or, if they're so petty not being first or seeing the baby when THEY want that they ignore it and don't help then they don't deserve to be grandparents.

I love my child to bits and will be thrilled to meet her baby when she wants me to. It doesn't mean we're not close, so away with the "our family are so close they visit immediately". Different strokes for different folks.

And the most practical advice is to let them see the baby in hospital - always provided (a) you're not turfed out after a few hours (b) there are limited visiting times (c) the family don't insist on holding the baby when it's fast asleep. Oh, and that they wash their hands and don't kiss it - the vulnerability mentioned in a pps post is frightening.

@vennomm

Man tend to forget this is a massive medical procedure. While his mum is there bossing you about you will be bleeding and your womb shriking back down and everything else changing, bones hardening again etc.

Absolutely this! Perhaps a quiet word to your midwife that you do not want his mother (or whoever else might try and invade your privacy) anywhere nearby whilst you're in birth/recovering and you certainly don't want to have his mother in the room whilst you are giving birth.

Tell your boyfriend that, actually, you can choose not to have him there either - let him think in that... 🌹

Ask him if he would want his Mum in the room with him when he has a massive shit that makes his arse bleed.

Actually, no- ask him if he would want YOUR Mum in the room with him when he has a massive shit that makes his arse bleed.

Do it.

I didn't have any visitors for the first 2 days and it was heavenly. We wanted peace and quiet especially for our newborn & her 16mo sibling to adapt. It's been 10 days and I'm only starting to arrange friends and extended family to come visit x

Completely up to you! However, I found it easier to let them visit at the hospital as time was restricted....inlaws came at 3 and visiting time finished at 4. That way they'd said hello, had a quick cuddle and a photo. Midwives are great at getting people to leave! I had cs so was in for a couple of days.

You've been very fortunate with your in laws if you believe they would adhere to a 20 minute visit without any drama.

OP knows her in laws best. She finds MIL critical and overbearing. Frankly, the expectation that she be welcomed into the delivery room is a good indication of MIL's batshit entitlement.

It's not a west end show. It's a medical procedure. MIL can want front row opening night tickets all she wants but the fact that she is approaching it with that mindset demonstrates just how little thought she is giving to the mother who will actually be going through it.

OP, YANBU. Protect your mental health, do what you are comfortable with. Give DP a good talking to about his priorities at this juncture in his life.

Exactly.

What a twat.

But it's not about them. It's about op and her baby and what's best for them. If I ever get grand babies then I hope I'll be able to keep sight of my dil and the massive thing she's just been through.

I hate when people lose sight of the mother completely during what is a really intense experience because they want a 'peek at baby'. It's so selfish.

Op you need to do what's right for you. I had a section with ds all planned and it was lovely and smooth etc and a wonderful experience. I still did not want my in laws landing at my door when I had my surgical stockings on, still bleeding heavily and in pain trying to get my baby to latch and remember when to take my pain meds and injections.

I also fell out with dh over it because it exhausted me and made me feel vulnerable having visitors before I was ready and i felt he should have had my back. And I really, really love my inlaws, but of course when they got to visit then so did the rest of the family. In the end up my midwife had to tell us no more visitors because it was making it difficult for us to establish breastfeeding. My child's need to be fed and my need to heal from something major is not less important than someone wanting to visit and see a cute baby.

There will be plenty, plenty of time for her to see baby and get to know them when you feel ready. You tell your bf that his only job, is to support you through baby's arrival and to gatekeep your front door while you recover.

If I'm lucky enough to do it again I'd be telling our family straight up that we won't have visitors for at least 1 week. Also to give my ds time to adjust to his new family so he doesn't feel left out. Your bfs job here is to support YOU not appease his mother.

He wants her in the delivery room - is he for real??? He needs a reality check. Tbh I'd have a quiet word with your midwife and get them to talk the planning through with you both and see if they can get him to think it through from your perspective.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. Our plan is to have mum, MIL 🤨 and potentially BIL 🤨 🤨 visit when we are in, due to medical reasons I'll be in at least 3 days, but with the massive caveat to wait and see how I am doing physically, mentally and emotionally. Post discharge we are hoping to do our bubble for week / 10 days.

'Peek at the baby' Jesus.

I'm sure OP would send them a photo.

I never felt so invisible and dehumanised as I did around after giving birth to my first child. I remember thinking I felt like I was a chocolate wrapper that had been eagerly torn to shreds and then thrown aside once the chocolate was out.

If MIL wants a good relationship with the baby she needs to respect the mother.

@gogomoto yes I'm sure mil will be there for all the night feeds the dirty nappies etc etc etc. If someone is coming to be useful and cook and clean and entertain an older child that's great. But the mil in this case clearly has very poor boundaries and doubtless would not be helpful to op. In what world would a new mother when she's feeling vulnerable and hormonal want someone who regularly undermines her there?? If mil was actually supportive then perhaps op would feel differently.

I was unable to see my newborn dgc for a couple of days due to hospital visiting restrictions- my dd did video calls so that I could see and hear the baby - would that be a good alternative?

Op has a toddler, a sterile environment is not really an option!

I think it's reasonable not to want her in the hospital.

Not so sure about not letting her see you at home, you could make it a brief visit and if she overstays, just go off to bed with the baby and leave her to dh and dd.

I think overall you have a problem with your dh not addressing how she behaves with you.

Play it by ear, my dd wasn't bothered or interested in ds when he was born, she couldn't have given a toss. You might find you welcome visitors to entertain older dc and you don't need the 'gamily of 4' bonding thing anyway. It's a long game to get siblings used to a baby, the first few days are novelty really!

I'd also say visit in hospital. Then no visitors at home until ready for visitors. Way easier, as hospital doesn't feel like your space, so not so vulnerable to criticism.

I wasn’t massively keen having ex’s family over straight away (my family are 5hrs away) but I sucked it up. They came to the hospital with DS and DD to accompany us home, and with DD it was even his brother and his wife. Funnily enough when they eventually had kids they banned anyone touching their 1st born as he was a little premature. Think they forgot they were holding my DD when she was a couple of hours old.

I agree about the delivery room, that's no place for anyone you don't want to be there.

However, the idea of not allowing anyone to see the baby for a few days? As long as the visit is brief, I'd let them pop in (hospital or home) for a few minutes to meet their grandchild.

It's a very recent idea to exclude immediate family for some time. I don't think there's any research to show it's better for bonding. 20 minutes meeting a new baby will be something grandparents remember for ever.

I was invited into the delivery room after the birth of my step grandchild. It was completely unexpected, but was one of the most wonderful moments of my life. It felt a huge privilege, and whilst I'm not suggesting that option, a short visit on the ward or at home is a wonderful gift to give grandparents.

I don't understand mothers or mothers in law in the delivery room unless there is no partner. However, I think allowing new grandparents to meet the baby is reasonable. Just for a little while, then they go if that's what you want.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. Would a slight compromise work? Maybe his parents can visit the baby when you are in hospital, visiting times tend to be much more limited there, and they then give you a few days/a week at home to settle before visiting there?

But the grandparents don’t need a ‘gift’ it’s not their moment.

Of course if you don’t mind your FIL seeing your boobs as you awkwardly try to latch a tiny newborn, or you’re okay with your cousin/neighbour/friend watching you crawl across the floor after an episiotomy because the stitches are infected, that’s absolutely fine and well done. But it’s also fine to want a little privacy just while you get over the immediate after effects of the birth. A few days doesn’t mean they miss out on anything, they’re still a tiny newborn. A month, unless there are exceptional circumstances, would be far too long in my opinion. Most of our family saw DD from days 4 to 7.

YANBU, but in reality it can be hard to keep visitors away without causing offence.

The fact that your MIL wanted to be there for delivery shows that she lacks awareness and is self-centred (sounds like she very much wanted to be there for the experience rather than offering support). So I can understand all the more why you don't want her to visit.

I think the hospital visit idea is a good one (could they bring your eldest?). Or find another way to keep the visit very short: book a lactation consultant to come - or say you have - and say they need to leave for that? And ask for at least 24 hours at home to settle first?

I think it’s odd that posters like yourself assume that not having family around the first few days after birth means it prevents bonding.

My in-laws were the first to meet our oldest when he was six days old (live 4+ hours from us) while my mother didn’t meet him until he was six weeks old (parents live in the States). With the second, it was two weeks due to the behaviour of my in-laws with the first (stayed with us in our one bathroom home, and expected me to host them while recovering from a traumatic labour, birth and emcs, including moaning about how long I was taking in the bathroom because supposedly it should only take me five minutes total to shower, use the loo, and do injections while still heavily bleeding and in pain), with my mother coming after the two weeks and us going up to visit the DH’s side after her visit.

DH’s family all got a cuddle and a hold and I didn’t have to worry about trying to make it up the stairs to nurse in private while in pain from an episiotomy done without my knowledge (couldn’t even walk a full block the first week and it was close to week 4, I was able to sit without pain) and bleeding all over DH’s parents furniture (bled for 10 weeks, and by time we visited them it was a light period). My father didn’t meet the oldest til he was almost one and our second until he was 5 months old due to not being able to fly at the time.

My in-laws see our children much more in person than my parents due to being in the same country as us but guess who has more of a bond with them?

My parents because they continuously put the effort in compared to DH’s parents. My parents may be in a different country, but almost every week for eight years they have video called to see and talk to our children (8,5). When we have visited them and them us, they spend as much time as possible with them and have a laundry list of age-appropriate things they want to do with them. My in-laws video call 2-3x a week and their focus is on DH. They’ll ask after the boys but they don’t engage with them much. They engage with them somewhat when they visit us for the boys’ birthdays but it’s the bare minimum to the point I question if they come to actually see the boys or to be hosted by DH, offload their issues with his siblings to him and head back to make out as them being involved grandparents to all of their grandchildren.

Effort usually trumps simple presence and showing up to cuddle a newborn baby who doesn’t know or has any thought or care who you are is not going to create an instant bond.

This baby is not yours alone, it is very unreasonable for you to expect to be the last word on what happens with the child. If you wanted to you could find a compromise.