To ask if you let your DC have sleepovers/visit friend’s houses?

[teoma]

I’ve grown up happily visiting and accepting visits from friends at home. There’s been the odd sleepover. The other day though, my brother shocked me with a story - my younger nephew’s best friend offered the boy oral sex while they were at the BFs house playing Xbox. My nephew was very upset and they’ve cut ties. Both boys are 9.

Of course, while I’m sure that doesn’t happen often, I have two young girls and can’t be sure what “policy” to introduce regarding sleepovers, hosting and visiting friends etc to ensure their safety. I don’t want to make them paranoid, but I’m pretty worried after what my brother shared.

Your brother needs to speak to the NSPCC. There’s a high chance that his sons friend is being abused.

Agree with PP. please urgently report this, this is not normal 9yo behaviour and indicates the child is being abused.

Agree, I’ve raised this with him.

You’re really focussing on the wrong bit of the story here.

I have a 13-year-old girl and she has been having sleepovers at her friends' houses and they at our house since very young. Never an issue if you know the kids and the parents 🤷‍♀️

Her beat friend practically lives with us during holidays and on weekends.

best friend*

While I would love to do this once mine is older, it is definitely not true that if you know the kids and parents there won't be an issue sadly.

What type of issues?

In my experience, the parents are somewhere in the house and the kids do their own thing and just hang out. They might have a falling out, but I haven't encountered any issues

Sexual abuse by friends parents or relatives. It sounds like the boy in the OP learned that from somewhere sadly.

To answer your question about safety things:

• Children all sleep in the same room/living room - no one sleeps alone
• All children have access to their phones
• Between you and your daughter have a ‘safe phrase’ eg if she calls you and says ‘what cereal have you got for tomorrow?’ - then you go over to get her, make a pretend fuss that you forgot something you are doing early and she can no longer stay -so you take all the heat for your daughter
• Make sure you know in advance who is staying in the house

That’s all I can think of right now.

What a terrible experience for your nephew and how awful for that boy.

I think that's a very rare situation that certainly is not something you ordinarily have in practice. If you know the parents and the kids, I don't think there is much/any risk of that. But I know the parents well

The other boy is raised from a F/F same sex couple and not in the UK. His mum is changing partners quite often and he’s mocked at school for that.

Absolutely not. My DS is 11 and he's never stayed at a friends house over night.

I think maybe we will think about it now he's going into seniors and now he's older.

I am a social worker though and I probably know too much.

You can never ever 'know' someone when it comes to abuse. Might not be the parents, could be an older sibling or a family friend who visits.

I agree with PP; you need to inform someone straight away regarding this.

Your brother needs to report what happened, because it's a warning sign that your nephew's friend could be suffering sexual abuse.

However, it wouldn't be reasonable to stop a child from ever being allowed to go to other children's houses on the off-chance that something like this might happen. It's a normal part of childhood for kids to visit other people and spend time playing with other kids without you being present.

We don't allow sleepovers, and don't ever plan to! With the exception of grandparents/aunts and uncles. Both my kids are ND, struggle with a lack of sleep and there is absolutely nothing valuable I think they'll miss by staying up into the wee hours with questionable supervision/access to inappropriate material. I'll happily pick them up late and return early in the morning, but the sleepovers themselves are just a flat out no.

No sleepovers here. It's the one rule, along with no social media, that I am completely unwavering on.

Yeah I thought I knew my friends well.. until the husband was arrested for indecent images of children.

DT’s did sleepovers as did DSis and I. No issues. For those saying no - do your DC’s not go on school trips which involve overnight stays?

this is something i wont allow either, my DS is 9 and not allowed to sleep out (only at my mums). i dont think enough people are awar of potential dangers surrounding SA and sleepovers is an easy one to avoid.

i have reluctantly allowed his best friend to sleep over twice now though as he really wanted to and his parents have just broken up.

My kids are all older now, but they all had sleepovers from an early age, just one friend at a time, not big sleepover parties. They went to sleepovers in friends' homes too.

I never allowed mixed sex sleepovers, and if members of the opposite sex visited the house, everyone stayed in the main downstairs reception rooms.

There are dangers to everything a child does. I think parents need to weigh for themselves the cost-benefit factors for their children and also be aware of their own anxiety and whether it's realistic.

Whenever I read these posts, I just feel so sorry for kids nowadays. The level of helicopter parenting on MN is unreal. Hanging out with friends in each other's homes, having sleepovers, being away from your parents - it's all part of growing up and learning independence. Of course you need to be comfortable that they'll be safe but then, let them live!!

I only have a 6 ans 2.5 yo but I wouldnt allow sleepovers until secondary at least. Both my boys get plenty of family sleepovers as they have a lot of cousins the same age etc.

Primary just isn't needed in my opionion. I am on the stricter end of the scale though.

Mine did sleepovers when younger occasionally, not now but that's not because they aren't permitted. Same with playdates/whatever tf that is called when they're teens.

Never had a situation like that happen though!

Agree with pps that that situation needs reporting. Poor kid.

Mine have done sleepovers. Mostly from 10/11 onward when they’ve been confident in staying out.

statistically they’re in more danger from a male family member than they are from a friend’s parent or a friend so it’s a balance between keeping them safe and letting them do fun things.

@mathanxiety i agree to a certain extent but i bet social workers wouldn't.

i think in the grand scheme of things, a sleepover just isn't necessary.
i follow a guy called Adam Whittington on Instagram and he runs Project Rescue Children - he's really opened my eyes. i live in an idyllic village in N.Yorks and when i first started following him thought, wow i'm so lucky to live in my little chocolate box village where we're all so safe. last year my sons head was arrested for indecent images/videos.