To ask if you let your DC have sleepovers/visit friend’s houses?

[teoma]

I’ve grown up happily visiting and accepting visits from friends at home. There’s been the odd sleepover. The other day though, my brother shocked me with a story - my younger nephew’s best friend offered the boy oral sex while they were at the BFs house playing Xbox. My nephew was very upset and they’ve cut ties. Both boys are 9.

Of course, while I’m sure that doesn’t happen often, I have two young girls and can’t be sure what “policy” to introduce regarding sleepovers, hosting and visiting friends etc to ensure their safety. I don’t want to make them paranoid, but I’m pretty worried after what my brother shared.

No, a friends brother atempted to rape me on a sleep over when I was 11. He managed it with a school friend the week before. We didn't tell anyone and I think there were others. My parents knew the other parents well. I think I'd have been more likely to speak out if we didn't know the family.

Locally to me another boy aged 14 abused his little brother and sisters friends for months before anyone discovered what was happening.

I have two close friends who are both social workers and both have said they would never let their children have sleepovers even if they believe they know the other parents and child really well. They things they've told me mean I've never let my ds10 have a sleepover and I have absolutely no plans to soon either

We allowed them from when the children wanted to go, which was about age 7. Yes there's some risk but that's true of everything. The alternative: no playmates, no sleep overs, no life away from parents so they'd be "safe" wasn't something I wanted for them. It was like letting them walk to school by theselves in Y5 or going to the park and later into town with friends, yes there's risk but that's life.

Mine are younger but even when older, a definite no. A friend is a consultant and she'd never let her kids do it because in her words, you never really know another family. Secondly I often read on here where parents bring their new partners etc over and to get their own kids distracted, they invite another child over for a sleepover. It's just barmy.

Finally that recent incident where the mother's boyfriend killed the whole family plus the friend, just cemented my position in not allowing sleepovers

I allow sleepovers and visiting friends' houses. Yes there is risk, but you have to weight that up against not allowing your children to have normal childhood experiences. Never being allowed to visit a friend's house (not allowing sleepovers isn't such a big deal, but not allowing any visits without a parent with them is) would result in social exclusion, that's a big risk too.

A friend of mine was abused by a father at a sleep over when she was around 10 or 11. The father had given her oral sex. She couldn't have oral sex as an adult because of it. I am on the fence about sleepovers and would always err on the side of caution after hearing about what happened to my friend.

Does a 7 year old really need a life away from their parents though? Plus why would not having a sleepover mean no playmates?

OP, we do not allow sleepovers, and probably won’t until they are teens. There was a situation at my eldest’s school this year when a family was allowing their daughter to have sleepovers with another family’s son (they were 6)but the son’s family neglected to tell the girl’s parents that their son was under a safeguarding investigation at school for repeatedly touching another child’s private parts. Another parent told the girl’s parents about the situation and the shit really hit the fan on the class WhatsApp! No idea if anything inappropriate went on at the sleepovers but the girl’s family thought they could trust the boy’s family which was obviously a mistake if they kept such a massive piece of information from them.

Does a 7 year old really need a life away from their parents though?

Yes I think so and clearly so did they. Friends and growing independence were important to them. Not all children are happy just staying home with mum and dad.

Nope my children are not left with people I don’t know and even if I know then they have to make it within an inner circle to have my kids alone without me. My job involves far too many stories of kids being put in situations were the parents think it’s safe and it wasn’t.

I can’t shelter them forever so my rules will be the kids need a mobile to get in contact with me, we have a code phase so that I pick them up without anyone else knowing (it’s my fault I’m picking them), if preteen or younger I would have to meet all family members including siblings / dads etc. We have had no sleepovers so far which I’m happy about I would rather avoid them all together if possible

So how does "meeting all the family members" help @Duckduckie ? Can you detect abusers just by chatting to them for 5 minutes?

Of course.

I find this so difficult, DS is too young yet, and I am very much in favour of encouraging independence etc, but in my line of work I see how prevalent this stuff is, how much goes unconvicted, how often family and friends are shocked and can't believe it of the perpetrator.
Honestly I don't know what I'll do when the time comes. I think about maybe getting ahead of the game and being the one to offer the sleepovers

No it isn’t very rare at all.

Ever?
How old are your DC?
DD had a few sleepovers from about age 9.

At my son’s bday sleepover when he was maybe 8 or 9 one boy apparently offered another to kiss his Willy (he declined). I let the parent know, he was mortified and spoke to his child. My children still had sleepovers but it did make me anxious

I think you can encourage independence without having sleepovers though - they are not a compulsory step on the scale up to adulthood. Sleepovers weren't really common when I was growing up, I think I had my first one as a teen. It's apparent from this thread that some people see them as something to be encouraged, and others see them as an unnecessary risk. I am on the latter side and from the situation I mentioned in my previous post so now are most of the parents in my eldest child's class!

You can't really fully trust anyone else with your kids, but some people are more willing to take the chance than others. Always go with your gut feeling on this kind of thing..

A family member of mine is a social worker - they don’t tell me details obviously but I know enough to know that I won’t be letting my dcs go to sleepovers till they are much older & I’m comfortable with the situation.

Agree with pp - sleepovers are definitely not necessary, I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers till I was about 13 , it didn’t bother me or interfere with friendships etc.

Until when? 18?

I'm fine with play dates, but would never allow my DC to go for an overnight, no matter how well I know the parents. Too many creeps are walking among us despite presenting as ordinary. It's not just the parents who could he a risk though, I would be wary of older brothers and sisters in the experimental phase of life too.

Question for those saying no to overnights - do your DC’s never go on school trips overnight or trips away with the hobbies/activities?

My eldest is 10 and hasn't had a sleepover yet. I don't see any need for one.

I just hate them. My house is my space and I prefer to sleep with just my family in the house not to have to be responsible for other people’s kids overnight.

So I’ve never encouraged but have allowed my kids to go if they are invited and it’s somewhere I’m comfortable with.

I think it’s bizarre how many people are trying to organise sleepovers with primary ages kids.

@timetogetlost "My eldest is 10 and hasn't had a sleepover yet. I don't see any need for one."

A lot of children find them fun....

My kids started sleepovers from about Yr 4.

To mitigate any risk you constantly remind them about their boundaries and check in with them allowing them an out to come home if they want.

However not allowing them due to perceived risk is incredibly sad. There's risk in everything. You'd never allow your kids out of the house if you lived with a no risk policy.

Sleepovers are fun and bonding for kids and teaches them some independence in a safe way. A blanket no for that is bordering ridiculous.

I see PP on this thread who have experienced CSA take a better view of the risk than those who say they work in social care or safeguarding.

And those saying they have sleepovers with family/cousins only - they're at much greater risk statistically so how's that a good choice?

@SlashBeef how old are you kids btw? Because that stance will be hard to maintain until 18.