To ask if you let your DC have sleepovers/visit friend’s houses?

[teoma]

I’ve grown up happily visiting and accepting visits from friends at home. There’s been the odd sleepover. The other day though, my brother shocked me with a story - my younger nephew’s best friend offered the boy oral sex while they were at the BFs house playing Xbox. My nephew was very upset and they’ve cut ties. Both boys are 9.

Of course, while I’m sure that doesn’t happen often, I have two young girls and can’t be sure what “policy” to introduce regarding sleepovers, hosting and visiting friends etc to ensure their safety. I don’t want to make them paranoid, but I’m pretty worried after what my brother shared.

DT’s did sleepovers as did DSis and I. No issues. For those saying no - do your DC’s not go on school trips which involve overnight stays?

That's when & why we started.
I did loads of sleepovers as a dc, I always thought one was more at risk from someone who is regularly close to you as opposed to the odd night staying over.
My mum was always very vocal about what to do if people made me feel uncomfortable regardless if they were a doctor etc so I was a little aware.

Absolutely this ^

Mine DD1 DS1 DD2 all had sleep overs . Multiple children and 1-1 .. mixed sex sleep overs as teens . All super well adjusted young 20s late 20s. Post Uni and in good jobs.

Currently away with all 3 and their long term partners.

Wouldn't of denied them this for the world.

Sleepovers are needed but are fun - that’s why children want to do them, particularly at primary age. There’s nothing better than a house full of giggling nine year olds. Awake half the night doing each other’s nails and big plans for a midnight feast.

Two of my sons had sleepovers and no requests have come up since but if they do definitely not- my friend’s daughter (13) went to one and found out after that the parents were out most of the night and left them in the house (alone with 7yo dd), and another friend said her son told her their dog came in in the middle of the night and barked at him. Really freaked him out. He told him when they were picking up and the mother played it down. Just made me think, you’re so at the mercy of the other parents and it’s night time so scarier if something goes wrong

My dds have sleepovers at other friends houses and also relatives etc. From y3 at school they have a 3 night residential.
As someone who was sexually abused as a child I see no reason to not allow them to go on sleepovers. Not going on sleepovers wouldn’t have stopped the abuse I received. However my parents listening to me would have.
I listen to my children. They are as safe as I can possibly make them whilst also allowing them a happy and fulfilled childhood. They would absolutely hate not being allowed on sleepovers due to my own fears

You won’t allow sleep overs a a dog barked at a child. Wow, MN is extreme sometimes.

As for leaving 13 year olds alone. I don’t really expect to ‘babysit’ 13 year olds. It’s a friend staying over, not me looking after them. Different if I ask my 10/11 year olds friends if they would like to sleep.

As I previously worked for a sexual violence charity I'd say I won't ever be allowing sleepovers for DD
I'd also sat harmful sexual behaviours in children aren't isolated to children who are victims of abuse, though obviously that's a risk factor.

I'd rather be safe than sorry, but it's all a lot more prevalent than a lot of people realise sadly.

@ElmtreeMama when I was learning about sexual abuse for a previous job it was the uncle, father, football coach that seemed to be the main culprits. Someone with regular access to a dc alone.

I'd rather be safe than sorry, but it's all a lot more prevalent than a lot of people realise sadly.

Agree with this, but I don't think sleepovers will stop it. I mean it's rife in schools...

Oh I completely agree @dramoy sleepovers are lower risk I'd assume comparatively speaking. I guess it's just that they're entirely optional.
Also as I saw in my previous role if a child exhibited harmful sexual behaviours towards another child its difficult as they're often too young to go through the judicial system and it's impact is so far reaching (I.e. Still having to see the other child at school etc).

Yes, I do allow mine to visit friends houses (when its age appropriate, I'd say from age 6-7 maybe) if I know and trust the parents.

Unfortunately, the reality is that abuse can happen anywhere and with anyone so unless you never let them leave the house until they are 18, there is a level of risk that you have to accept, if you want your kids to have happy, normal childhood experiences.

I say this as someone who was abused as a child (similar situation to what you've described actually). I've had two close family members convicted of CSA. Based on this experience, it sort of feels like I should never let my children have contact with anyone but dh and I. But that's no way to live. I'm conscious that abusers could be literally lurking anywhere (they certainly were, and not as far away as at friends houses). I never for a second would have guessed it would happen so close to home, though I did always have an uneasy feeling about each of these men. Thankfully, I trusted that instinct and I didn't let them have unsupervised contact with my dc, and obviously, after I was told about their offences, we never had anything to do with either of them again. I have no reason to believe my dc were ever harmed, but in theory, they could have been - at Christmas dinner, at family birthdays, visits for Sunday lunch. It would have been mad to not let them see family on the risk that a family member could turn out to be a paedo.

There is risk everywhere, and to keep it as close to zero as possible means not living a happy and free life. So you have to find a healthy balance. My experiences have led me to trust my gut and I listen to my gut about people. I do know and trust the parents of dc's close friends. When I haven't had a good feeling about a particular family or situation, no, I didn't allow it.

My eldest had a friend when she was maybe 7/8 who lived with her grandparents, her mum had passed away, bless her, and her dad was 'living away for work' (I expect this may have been a kind way of saying in prison). The grandparents seemed quite overwhelmed, but also quite inappropriately permissive. This 7/8 year old wore make up, had an iphone, a tik tok account, used to walk from their house into the village (about 2-3 miles) on her own, etc. She was very 'grown up' for a 7/8 year old. I didn't know the grandparents well, but there was something just off (besides the permissiveness). I didn't feel comfortable with their situation, and I wouldn't allow my dd to have a playdate or sleepover there. I invited the friend to ours a few times to gauge what she was like and then intentionally let the friendship fizzle out. My gut said something wasn't right there and it was more important to keep my dc safe.

But other than that, yes, they have playdates and sleepovers, but I do check in with them to see how it was after, gauge if they were comfortable, let them talk about anything that worried them, etc. I still let them be kids though.

I get that, they are fun. I didnt have any in primary school but remember fondly having ones in secondary. My kids are super lucky in that they have a lot of cousins their own age and aunties/uncles to give them lots of sleepover, and fun times away from us.

Some are local, some require further driving to be dropped off. Perhaps I would feel differently if they didnt have this aa an option, but I doubt it. 8/9 just seems so very young to me.

None of my children have sleepovers until secondary age, when they are more able to understand if things are wrong/need reporting to me/police etc.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse by a family member by marriage. Sleepovers are completely unnecessary.

Not with school friends but with family (I know the stats) and only if I know them very well and never had a moments doubt or uneasy feeling about them.

I make sure the children know what is appropriate and what is never appropriate, correct names for anatomy, what to do if someone is inappropriate etc. Never be alone, adults don't ask children for help etc etc. And that they can call us at any stage, even if it's the middle of the night and they have put themselves in a bad situation through not doing what they were told.

I know that may not be enough to save them but I also can't protect them for the rest of their lives, they need to know what risks there are and how to reduce them.

I was at a pet farm today and I was looking out for pedophiles/where the vulnerable spots would be...so sad to have to think like that.

Did your DC’s not have school trips in primary with nights away?

@Parker231 No, not in primary (Not in the UK). More like 16 years old for all class overnight trips in our school...some sports teams might go at 14 years old.

Exactly this. You can NEVER 100% know. How many times have you read in the news how shocked family members and friends are that their friend/brother/husband/neighbour could do whatever.

I mean you can never 100% know with anything. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. You could lock your doors and never leave the house because there are so many dangers out there and still the house might catch fire. Literally anything can happen, but you have to allow your kids some freedom to experience normal things in childhood. The risks of them being sexually abused at a friend's sleep over are really minuscule if you do a reasonable risk-assessment. There is more likelihood of getting hit by a car on the street. I'm guessing you're still allowing them to cross the road.

He is still too small to do that on his own. In all likelihood, I will let him go to sleepovers and prepare him the best I can with what to do if he feels uncomfortable or he doesn't want to do something. Speaking to friends though, sexual abuse doesn't even occur to them as a possibility in this scenario or many others so my posts are mainly just so people do think about it, if only to assess that tiny risk for themselves and take notice of anything they, and their children, are not comfortable with.

I am with @XelaM on this one. I have allowed sleepovers from a young age with trusted friends (pretty much only 2 sets of friends) and family. I don't consider there to be much of a risk when I know the families well.

I suppose something like scout camp is a bigger risk but then they're older and more likely to advocate for themselves. Also I have interacted with the leaders for a number of years and at a certain point I have to trust them.

I prefer to see humanity as basically decent with some exceptions rather than the other way round.

FawnFrenchieMum
You won’t allow sleep overs a a dog barked at a child. Wow, MN is extreme sometimes.
I think at the time it was as much that something that terrified a child happened and his mum was told only because he mentioned it and it kind of reinforced the ‘you’re at the mercy of the parents’ thing (she said he was really shook up and she’d have collected first thing but the parents didn’t ring even though he asked a few times about coming home)

We allowed them from age 9 when we know the families.

We don’t have any family the dc can stay with so it’s been great for them to stay at friends’ sometimes.

Most children are abused by someone they know so knowing the other family doesn't mitigate the risk unfortunately.

Agree with @XelaM

Hey !

Your brother needs to report this to the school also. I wouldn’t even address with the parents straight to the school once they return/email the headteacher who would normally be picking up emails. (Along side reporting to his local authority too, social care he can do this anonymously if his not raised it with the other parents ?!)

. Absolutely not would be the answer, no sleepovers! Regardless of who’s in the house you never truly know what other children have been exposed to. It is a harsh rule truthfully because children won’t understand, however it’s also to stop them from making mistakes too.