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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you let your DC have sleepovers/visit friend’s houses?

113 replies

teoma · 07/08/2023 13:31

I’ve grown up happily visiting and accepting visits from friends at home. There’s been the odd sleepover. The other day though, my brother shocked me with a story - my younger nephew’s best friend offered the boy oral sex while they were at the BFs house playing Xbox. My nephew was very upset and they’ve cut ties. Both boys are 9.

Of course, while I’m sure that doesn’t happen often, I have two young girls and can’t be sure what “policy” to introduce regarding sleepovers, hosting and visiting friends etc to ensure their safety. I don’t want to make them paranoid, but I’m pretty worried after what my brother shared.

OP posts:

Howlingmoor · 10/08/2023 10:05

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 10/08/2023 09:50

@Howlingmoor I am a CSA survivor in various situations by various people.Lucky me The thing is , if I avoided all those situations for DD, plus various others like sleepovers, DD 's world would be very very small. Which wouldn't just be very unfair, but it wouldn't make for a healthy,well adjusted child either. I'd break her in order to protect her.

So instead I use as many safeguards and protective factors as I can, I talk to her, make sure she knows I have her back and she can talk to me and that I'm only one text message away and I will always come get her, she knows about appropriate behaviours,consent etc, make my own risk assessments ,swallow my fears and anxiety and hope she has a great time.

Because I have to let her go.

Fellow survivor here- you are exactly right. I was abused by family in one room communal room while my mum was in the other room in the middle of the day, and in the busy service corridor between the kitchen and dining room at a family event for example.

SA isn’t something that happens in bedrooms behind locked doors at night, so you can’t avoid it by banning sleepovers. Clearly to avoid all risk by never allowing your child to have a life which wouldn’t be good for them.

As I’ve said, my son is allowed sleepovers etc (except he hasn’t been invited yet- but when he is he can go!)

I don’t have an issue with this at all, I had an issue with the dismissive attitude a previous poster had.

JazbayGrapes · 10/08/2023 10:18

With extended family only.
With classmates - nope. Too much hassle for me, plus risks i'm not willing to take.
My best friend's 5yo was sexually assaulted by a teenager who came to a sleepover with her older child.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 10/08/2023 10:21

@Howlingmoor totally fair enough. I see your point now. Apologies for jumping in.

Sdpbody · 10/08/2023 10:31

My children will never go to sleepovers at other peoples houses until secondary school, and even then, I would make sure they had access to phones and we had discussed abuse and safety etc..

It isn't just about trusting parents, it is about trusting siblings, siblings friends who are also at the sleepovers. Many cases of abuse happen with older siblings, not just parents.

My DD has had many sleepovers at our house so she is not missing out, but I can't keep her safe at someone else's home.

My DM was abused by her friends older brother. I am a tad paranoid.

JazbayGrapes · 10/08/2023 10:34

It isn't just about trusting parents, it is about trusting siblings, siblings friends who are also at the sleepovers. Many cases of abuse happen with older siblings, not just parents.

This!

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 10/08/2023 10:36

This thread is quite surprising to me. I remember going on sleepovers from age 5. From the age of about 7-11, I went on them very regularly and they were an absolute highlight of my childhood.
They happened more occasionally as teenagers, though that was in a mixed sex friend group. I only remember knowing a couple of people who were never allowed to have them and they were from quite strict religious families (which I assumed was the reason, but maybe not).

I can absolutely see why people are concerned, as awful things can and do happen, but it seems quite extreme to ban them completely, and I had no idea that doing so was as common as it appears to be on this thread.

massistar · 10/08/2023 10:42

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe. My 2 are older teens now but have been happily going on sleepovers since mid primary age. Reciprocated as well. And now at 14 and 18 I know their friends really well and love it when a couple of them stay over and I make them pancakes in the morning and they sit and chat and give me all the goss. My DD spends a lot of time at her best friend's house and they treat her like one of the family. It's a lovely thing and this thread has made me quite sad.

XelaM · 10/08/2023 10:51

massistar · 10/08/2023 10:42

This is what happens in my universe as well. My daughter has been going on sleepovers and having her friends sleep over at ours since primary and it's been lovely. She even had a massive sleepover party for her 10th birthday with all the girls in her year sleeping over at our house, which was mayhem 🤪

massistar · 10/08/2023 10:58

Thank goodness for that @XelaM ! I think the most we've had is 6 which was quite enough. The screeching increases exponentially past about the age of 10 mind.

mathanxiety · 10/08/2023 15:09

It isn't just about trusting parents, it is about trusting siblings, siblings friends who are also at the sleepovers. Many cases of abuse happen with older siblings, not just parents.

That's really sad for younger members of larger families though, isn't it, or girls who have brothers?

My five DDs have friends from families of all sizes, from only children to families of six children, and the vast majority of their friends had at least one brother.

The only cases of CSA that I have ever been aware of in the area where I live involved teachers behaving inappropriately with students at high school level, at both private and local state schools.

Howlingmoor · 10/08/2023 17:55

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 10/08/2023 10:21

@Howlingmoor totally fair enough. I see your point now. Apologies for jumping in.

No worries, you were making a valid point.

Howlingmoor · 10/08/2023 17:58

mathanxiety · 10/08/2023 15:09

It isn't just about trusting parents, it is about trusting siblings, siblings friends who are also at the sleepovers. Many cases of abuse happen with older siblings, not just parents.

That's really sad for younger members of larger families though, isn't it, or girls who have brothers?

My five DDs have friends from families of all sizes, from only children to families of six children, and the vast majority of their friends had at least one brother.

The only cases of CSA that I have ever been aware of in the area where I live involved teachers behaving inappropriately with students at high school level, at both private and local state schools.

You won’t be aware of it, no one knows what goes on in other people’s families.

Original poster

teoma · 17/08/2023 11:38

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences! I must say I’ve had parents that were happy to have friends over and send me over for the occasional night. I’ve had nothing but positive experiences.

OP posts:

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