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Original poster

Privacy After Death

268 replies

DropCloths · 07/08/2023 12:50

DFIL died last year and DH has been sorting through his papers.

One file was labelled "private" and I was slightly surprised that DH went through it as he had all the others- it contained some slightly personal medical things and some personal diaries from when DFIL had counselling. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely the kind of thing that (in life) you'd think of as private and not want others to read without your permission.

I'm not really looking for views on DH's decision to read it- his father, his decision. (I haven't read it). But it has made me think more broadly about privacy after death. I have all sorts of things I wouldn't want people to read after I am gone- again, nothing earth-shattering but things like diaries where I've written very personal things, or times when I've been letting off steam but what I've written doesn't represent an accurate reflection of my feelings over all (eg I wrote a diary when DC were small where I said a lot about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. I absolutely loved being with my DC when they were little but if you only read the diaries you wouldn't get that impression and reading the diaries might be very hurtful and misleading for DC).

Would you treat diaries etc after someone has died as private, as they are in life? Would you chuck them away without reading or would you read them? Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 07/08/2023 18:48

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 12:55

It’s a good question. My mother died suddenly and there were some sex toys in her bedside cabinet that I will never unsee.

Ah this made me sad!
Why on earth would that bother you?
I would think it was funny and fabulous 🤗
You didn't read that she had murdered someone.. Or wished her entire dead 😂

Justleaveitblankthen · 07/08/2023 18:49

family dead

x2boys · 07/08/2023 19:00

Babdoc · 07/08/2023 12:57

RoadSignFool, surely it didn’t upset you that your mother had a healthy sex drive and enjoyed toys? Did you think that you were a virgin birth and she spent her life celibate?!

Ff,s,im.sure my mother wasn't a Virgin when she had me or my sister but I wouldn't have wanted to.find her sex toys if she had any either 🙄
As it happened my dh estranged father died a few weeks ago.and As,his next of kin he's had to sort through his belongings too, and found a,few things he would rather not have done

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 19:11

Justleaveitblankthen · 07/08/2023 18:48

Ah this made me sad!
Why on earth would that bother you?
I would think it was funny and fabulous 🤗
You didn't read that she had murdered someone.. Or wished her entire dead 😂

Show quote history

I gave a bit more context later in the thread.

Batshit1 · 07/08/2023 19:27

I have given this some thought too, my brother died last year and because of the circumstances of his death his phone was taken and searched by police during the investigation. I was mortified for him and thinking about this happening to me.. police going though all my random google searches etc and probably having quite a laugh to themselves!

I don’t keep diaries and never have, I do sometimes scribble some ‘stuff’ in notebooks but I don’t keep them for this very reason. I have thought about my family just gong though all my normal belongings if I die and hate the idea of it because I’m a very private person in general.

MissCordeliaPreston · 07/08/2023 20:02

I live abroad and my family went through all my parents' personal stuff when they died. Unsent letters, letters received, etc. Some were so shocking they burned them apparently. I didn't ask what was in there and won't because they are enjoying the secrets and me not knowing. I was annoyed in the beginning about being left out then realised I'd rather remember my parents as they were with me rather than stuff they had done that I didn't know about.

I have some old diaries from a wilder time of my life and should possibly think about getting rid. But then I quite like the idea of my kids discovering the part of me they never knew. I imagine my mum in particular having a good laugh at the faces of the people that read whatever it was about her.

But if you want your secrets to die with you it's your responsibility to get rid of them.

ajandjjmum · 07/08/2023 20:24

I have some letters between my Mum and Dad whilst Dad was in the RAF during the war. I honestly don't know what to do with them. I love the idea of someone upthread, burying them with them - but I'm too late for that!

LadyBird1973 · 07/08/2023 20:31

I have a lot of respect for Apple that they refused to unlock their customers phone. They have no idea what kind of marriage he had or whether he would want his wife to access his personal information.
The dead should have their privacy be respected. I take a view that if my family haven't told me something while they are alive, they probably wouldn't want me knowing once they are dead!

My dad always brought me up to not leave anything incriminating on paper, so I reckon he's considered all this already. And my mum bins anything not nailed down so im not especially worried there. I will be doing a Swedish death clean.

MikeRafone · 07/08/2023 20:41

Batshit1

im sorry for your loss.

how do the police access the phone? most phones seem to have pass codes?

overdalexx · 07/08/2023 20:58

loislovesstewie · 07/08/2023 13:42

My DH died last year, I burnt all of his diaries. All 40 years worth . I felt that was too intrusive even for me, they were his private thoughts , and I'm sure that he sometimes ranted about me. I didn't want our kids to know what he felt about very personal stuff, so off it went. there wasn't anything marked personal on a folder, just the diaries.

sorry for your loss - would that some of the women in the relationships threads had a little of your tolerance for/wise understanding of what can sometimes flit through a partner's mind.
back to the main interesting thread.

Batshit1 · 07/08/2023 21:25

@MikeRafone I’m really not sure, as part of a possible criminal investigation can they get more access through the phone company? It wasn’t an iPhone if that makes any difference. I only know that it was seized as part of the investigation, if they couldn’t access it then would they bother to do that?

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 07/08/2023 21:49

My late DH had a Facebook account which I have kept open. I know it’s not the same thing as it’s SM and there for all to see, but I found reading through all his posts to various people, strangely comforting because the way he wrote reflected how he spoke in life IYSWIM. If I had found anything private or personal after his death, I’m not sure I could part with it, even if I didn’t read it, as it was part of him.

SpentAllMyMoney · 07/08/2023 21:51

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/08/2023 12:54

I think if there are things you don't want people to see after your death you should destroy them.

This

overdalexx · 07/08/2023 22:06

Can some kind soul tell me what
"Scandi-style death-cleaning" etc is?
and while at it where the phrase/philosophy comes from.
apologies if question already asked and answered.
have the idea that it means chucking stuff in advance, but as others have said, that might come any time, when you still have need of that sex-toy publication whatever.

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 07/08/2023 22:31

fdgdfgdfgdfg · Today 16:10
However there was also a box of Polaroids that I guess she'd completely forgotten about. Not something I ever needed to see, and very swiftly binned!

I buy mixed auction lots. Mostly ceramic, but often include other bits. There was a small item that I hadnt looked at for some time - plastic - open. Was about to bin it when the light caught it and I could see it sparkled at one end. I thought a kaleidoscope. No, sadly not. Turned out to be 1960's porn on a rotating slide projector. Not something I want any descendants finding and believing to be their great grandparents etc.

x2boys · 07/08/2023 22:50

Justleaveitblankthen · 07/08/2023 18:48

Ah this made me sad!
Why on earth would that bother you?
I would think it was funny and fabulous 🤗
You didn't read that she had murdered someone.. Or wished her entire dead 😂

Show quote history

Good for you but clearly they did upset the pp.,surely you can understand we don't all think.the same way?

JudgeJ · 07/08/2023 23:24

If you cloud store things which you want your family to access after your death then make sure that they know passwords etc as without those even if they're your legal executor they won't be able to access them.

overdalexx · 07/08/2023 23:35

HelloDaisy · 07/08/2023 15:06

That’s exactly what happened with us when my mum died! I will never unsee them…

I went through her emails too, some I read through my fingers as wasn’t sure what I’d find. However I did it as she died in an accident and I needed to make sure that I had dealt with everything and also to ensure that everyone she knew was told.

We were very close so I am sure she wouldn’t mind me reading the emails and knowing everything. She would have laughed at what I found in her bedside drawer!

Show quote history

No wish to pry into details of contents, but how did you know the password to get into the email account.
Or was it all on auto log-in?

Okaygoahead · 07/08/2023 23:37

My FIL had a mild heart attack in his early 70s and I came across him a few months later going through boxes. He very frankly told me he was destroying some papers “so as not to cause unnecessary hurt” (I think I know what he was referring to, an episode in his past). I kind of took that to mean that anything he didn’t destroy he was fine with us seeing. And I have to say much of it has been fascinating! (Also, thank you @Custardslices for your refreshing honesty!)

That said, I’m pretty diligent about destroying a lot of what I’ve written because it winds up sounding whiny and self-pitying.

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 23:40

LainyMainyWainy · 07/08/2023 13:02

I’ve been in this situation.
A relative left behind a box of old diaries with strict instructions what to do with them and not to read them.
I have to say I was tempted, but I luckily spooked myself and thought they might haunt me forever if I did! So I didn’t read them. I’m still curious what was in them, but I’m glad I respected their wishes.

God that’s a level of self control - I would have read them I’m afraid.

HRTQueen · 07/08/2023 23:45

No

we have sown papers of my nanny’s we know some are letters from a soldier she met

we have packed them away she hid them away and I think in later years she would have forgotten about them. I still feel she had the right to privacy

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 08/08/2023 00:07

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/08/2023 12:54

I think if there are things you don't want people to see after your death you should destroy them.

This

TallerThanAverage · 08/08/2023 05:52

HRTQueen · 07/08/2023 23:45

No

we have sown papers of my nanny’s we know some are letters from a soldier she met

we have packed them away she hid them away and I think in later years she would have forgotten about them. I still feel she had the right to privacy

What is the point in packing them away? Surely there’s a chance that the next person that comes across them might not have the same reaction as you and they read them.

Promwasgreat · 08/08/2023 06:02

I had to go into my dad’s email after he died suddenly. I read an email where he blamed me for not inviting someone to my wedding when I had said they should be invited but he had decided it couldn’t work. I had not been included in something subsequently and it made sense why. He was a wonderful father but I wish I had never read it.

LlynTegid · 08/08/2023 06:59

Sorry to read of your loss, a valid question to raise OP. My thought is that perhaps you should be looking to bin/shred some things as life goes along and not keep them. Doesn't help with the sex toy example, but things such as counselling notes, do they really need to be kept?