Privacy After Death

[DropCloths]

DFIL died last year and DH has been sorting through his papers.

One file was labelled "private" and I was slightly surprised that DH went through it as he had all the others- it contained some slightly personal medical things and some personal diaries from when DFIL had counselling. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely the kind of thing that (in life) you'd think of as private and not want others to read without your permission.

I'm not really looking for views on DH's decision to read it- his father, his decision. (I haven't read it). But it has made me think more broadly about privacy after death. I have all sorts of things I wouldn't want people to read after I am gone- again, nothing earth-shattering but things like diaries where I've written very personal things, or times when I've been letting off steam but what I've written doesn't represent an accurate reflection of my feelings over all (eg I wrote a diary when DC were small where I said a lot about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. I absolutely loved being with my DC when they were little but if you only read the diaries you wouldn't get that impression and reading the diaries might be very hurtful and misleading for DC).

Would you treat diaries etc after someone has died as private, as they are in life? Would you chuck them away without reading or would you read them? Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

How about curating it — choosing the best photos and putting them in an album with some text to identify who's who and what the event was? Not suggesting you try to rewrite history, but if removing a few photos and writing something that says something along the lines of 'I met Tom in 1991 and for a while I thought perhaps my future was meant to be with him. Here we are on holiday in Crete. They were some some happy times, but it didn't work out long-term...' Maybe you quietly dispose of the photo showing you snogging him half to death to protect your current partner's feelings. You don't have to go into a lot of detail, but I suppose what you do is control the narrative — not to deceive but to make things easier for those left behind. You could put any photos you can't bear to throw away in an envelope labelled with a trusted friend's name on it and a note with instructions to destroy without looking after your death.

Conversely I regret not keeping up with my diary. Reading my teenage thoughts has been great, so funny so I wish I could look back at when I was planning my wedding and the first stages of parenthood. Receipts, ticket stubs and notes received. Writing this has made my mind up, I’m going to start again at 52!

I kept a diary for a full year once when I was 10, I'd love to read that now.

I've read back blogs and stuff I posted online (that's as close as I'll get) in the last 20 years and that is quite fun. Occasionally embarrassing.

I did keep a diary for a short while when I was 23, late 1990s, very influenced by Bridget Jones. Read it a few years ago, it was all very "9st 4 lbs - OK but oh dear I ate half a pizza."

Want to write back to myself and say "Eat the whole pizza while you can, your BMI is, like, 19 and a size 8 is big on you."

My DS died just over 3 years ago, he was 22 and had a brain haemorhage. He gave life to 4 men through organ donation. That Sunday evening when we came home when he was in theatre, I found a diary on his windowsill, the front of it said, What would David Bowie do. He had just split up with his longterm girlfriend 3 months before he died, I flicked through it, but had to put it away. If I had known about his personal diary I would have buried it with him. I don't know what to do with it now, my heart is broken enough xo

I agree. My DH burnt his teenager diaries on my suggestion last year. I said I would never read them but if I wasn’t around to destroy them I’m sure our kids would.

I’m so sorry, @dinozzo

If diaries, letters, etc., are absolutely not to be seen by anyone else, perhaps they should be left in a locked box, and a key left also with a solicitor who is instructed to destroy the contents in the event of the person's death.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/23/i-travelled-across-america-to-discover-my-mothers-secrets-and-instead-found-i-have-my-own?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

This article made me think of this thread- mother shares diary with adult daughter and daughter realises bits have been redacted and comes to terms with the fact that she has no right to know certain things about her mother’s life.

I thought about this a while ago and have shredded all stuff like photos, letters and diaries. Only stuff needed has remained. It was not difficult and I feel a lot better for doing it.

We had letters DFIL and MIL wrote to each other during WW2 when DH was a baby. A lot of it is about him and is quite amusing and very sweet. I am sure they would not mind at all that we have read them and have passed them over to DN who is interested in family history.

I’m dreading sorting out inlaws’ house and father’s house (evil stepmother around) when they go 🤦🏼‍♀️

My best friend is under strict instructions to set fire to my phone and launch it into the sea

Won't the latter rather negate the former?!

Sorry-not-sorry

I've just realised that this thread was a teeny bit zombiefied, but I remembered it with the current thread about Ken Dodd's wishes for all of his diaries.

Still a fascinating thread - and an interesting one to (accidentally) bump a month later.

...Actually only a couple of weeks since the (previous) last post

I have boxes and boxes of journals and papers. God help those who have to go through them after I'm dead. DH says he's going to have a lovely massive bonfire.

I can understand that perfectly.

Pre Dementia my DM was an intensely private, fastidious person, so even though in later stage dementia she wouldn’t know or care, I prevented a couple of relatives from going to see her by saying that it distressed her to see what (to her);would be strangers.

She’d never been keen on them anyway, and I know her former self would have been utterly mortified to think of them seeing her in that undignified state.

I don't think my family ever had much to hide.

I have both my grandparent's (WW1) and my parent's private love letters. It is wonderful to read them to know how happy they were in their marriages. I have a whole pile of letters carefully tied up with string and kept in a box for my children.

I think it would be very sad if this type of family history was lost, but perhaps I can understand that other people might have less happy memories that are better destroyed.

As far as online is concerned, I am sure my children will have a laugh at some of my MN posts, but again I don't think there is anything that would be hurtful or upsetting. They already know me well enough to imagine what I will have written on various dog walking posts (they are just grateful I have stopped posting similar embarrassing diatribes on FB) and their late DF was far more embarrassing in public than I could ever been in secret!