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Privacy After Death

268 replies

DropCloths · 07/08/2023 12:50

DFIL died last year and DH has been sorting through his papers.

One file was labelled "private" and I was slightly surprised that DH went through it as he had all the others- it contained some slightly personal medical things and some personal diaries from when DFIL had counselling. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely the kind of thing that (in life) you'd think of as private and not want others to read without your permission.

I'm not really looking for views on DH's decision to read it- his father, his decision. (I haven't read it). But it has made me think more broadly about privacy after death. I have all sorts of things I wouldn't want people to read after I am gone- again, nothing earth-shattering but things like diaries where I've written very personal things, or times when I've been letting off steam but what I've written doesn't represent an accurate reflection of my feelings over all (eg I wrote a diary when DC were small where I said a lot about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. I absolutely loved being with my DC when they were little but if you only read the diaries you wouldn't get that impression and reading the diaries might be very hurtful and misleading for DC).

Would you treat diaries etc after someone has died as private, as they are in life? Would you chuck them away without reading or would you read them? Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/08/2023 17:18

Claricethecat45 · 07/08/2023 17:03

Not wanting to derail, but, a very recent problem has hit my DSis. Not really resolved and doubt it will be now. Her DH died suddenly in April this year. His Iphone had retinal recognition as a security feature. Although it was his phone and he owned it, he used it a lot for work and it may have held essential details pertaining to Business stuff. I know she asked Apple to help but they said they wouldn't be able to - despite her proving she was next of kin and death certificate made it clear that the loss was sudden ( Acute Myocardial Infarction. Heart Attack). They aren't in UK, and live where he worked in Asia. Short of holding the phone to his eye in the mortuary which of course she didn't do, I don't think now that there is any way of unlocking the phone. I don't think she is seriously concerned that there is anything on the phone that is needed, although he did keep a lot of financial records on there, and he used his 'notes' app a lot for reminders of stuff to do. Still, it is a source of frustration and something I'm not sure anyone would think about in the normal course of things. The phone is now gathering dust, cant be unlocked so cant be used. Has anyone experienced similar? Thoughts welcome.

I sincerely hope that no-one gains access to my phone if I die suddenly. I've got nothing embarrassing one them, but I did have emails and messages where friends (who my family will know) have shared very confidential worries and mental health issues with me.

whatstheagendatoday · 07/08/2023 17:20

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 12:55

It’s a good question. My mother died suddenly and there were some sex toys in her bedside cabinet that I will never unsee.

Thats so funny. Ignore the weird comments about your moms healthy sex drive. Gosh, some people are so uptight they cant even take a joke. how sad must it be to have their thoughts. I would not want to see my moms dildos.

This got me thinking about those who bin the diaries. A friend has found her great grandfathers diaries, and loved reading them. It taught her the family history, and seeing how generations evolved in their thinking. At that point it was a personal historical artefact. If the grandfather destroyed it it would have been lost forever. To the first generation it may be private, but to subsequent generations that is further removed from the situation the diary contains, it is a valuable piece of family history. I wonder...

EggOverEasy · 07/08/2023 17:23

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 07/08/2023 15:19

I wonder how Anne frank must feel lol

She started rewriting bits of her diary with an eye to publishing it. She must assumed that if the diary survived it's be printed.

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 17:23

saraclara · 07/08/2023 17:18

I sincerely hope that no-one gains access to my phone if I die suddenly. I've got nothing embarrassing one them, but I did have emails and messages where friends (who my family will know) have shared very confidential worries and mental health issues with me.

Show quote history

That’s a really good point, how on earth does one deal with material that was private between the deceased and a living third party?

PurpleSky300 · 07/08/2023 17:25

When my grandmother died, we found a box of papers and certificates, old passports etc. And in amongst really interesting (to me) things like NHS registration cards from 1949 and photos of my Grandad when he was Bevin Boy and things like that - there was a certificate of my grandmother's first marriage, lasting from 1949 to 1950. We had never known about it.

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 17:26

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 17:18

Okay then, there is no solution for you. Jolly good.

Show quote history

That’s literally my point- sometimes there are no neat solutions. Two competing interests can’t be reconciled.

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 17:26

PurpleSky300 · 07/08/2023 17:25

When my grandmother died, we found a box of papers and certificates, old passports etc. And in amongst really interesting (to me) things like NHS registration cards from 1949 and photos of my Grandad when he was Bevin Boy and things like that - there was a certificate of my grandmother's first marriage, lasting from 1949 to 1950. We had never known about it.

That would have been in the public record though, if you had known to look for it.

PurpleSky300 · 07/08/2023 17:31

RoadSignFool · 07/08/2023 17:26

That would have been in the public record though, if you had known to look for it.

Show quote history

True. I'm not sure it was a secret - maybe it just never came up in conversation, maybe nobody ever thought to ask. I thought it was fascinating. And I spent a good while trying to find the man through ancestry records and see what became of him but I never could. My family didnt actually believe it until they saw for themselves and saw the second marriage certificate with "previous marriage dissolved" on it.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/08/2023 17:33

My Grannie kept a diary her whole life and burnt them all a week before she died. Her death was sudden and not expected, so the timing was strange.
I feel sad about it though, not to have her diaries to pass down.
I do have all my parents love letters from before they were married, I haven’t read them, and I think I probably won’t, I feel a bit too close , but my children might like to read them in years to come.

PurpleSky300 · 07/08/2023 17:35

My Mum has a suitcase of love letters and handmade cards from a bf from her 20s which she has asked me to keep in my house. Might seem strange but who am I to say. I find them interesting.

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 17:48

Most of my journals are about my eating issues or general issues. I have thought in the past that it'd be embarrassing (not that I'd be there to be embarrassed lol) if loved ones read them.

But as PP's said most of us don't know when we're going to go, or if we do we mightn't be well enough to get round to getting rid of them.

babyproblems · 07/08/2023 17:50

I think if you don’t want anyone to read it ever the only way to guarantee that is to Chuck it away before you die.. obviously not always predictable but I wouldn’t expect someone to just throw things even marked private after I’d died!

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 17:50

My grandad wrote a short story, which was fun to find.

SouthernLassies · 07/08/2023 17:52

Surely the most sensible thing to do is either destroy your diaries before you die (hopefully at a reasonable old age) or not keep them at all.

I don't 'do' diaries.

All my memories are in my head.

We were in the same situation as your H.
We discovered letters from my FIL and MIL that were revealing secrets we perhaps should not have known. Or maybe they were there so we did find them.

If you ever do probate for your deceased family then you have a duty of care to read their paperwork, for financial info, although not diaries.

TallerThanAverage · 07/08/2023 17:59

The only thing diary related that we found after my PIL died related to my MIL’s observations of when they mated their tortoise. It was hysterical.

If there had been something more personal I think we would have flicked through, realised that it was personal, stopped looking and either put it in a box or destroy it.

Custardslices · 07/08/2023 17:59

Private - destroy without opening” is completely pointless, just bloody destroy it yourself! I wouldn’t be able to resist opening something with that label

So so true its just asking to be opened. If I didn't open it I'd always wonder.

Makes it seem so juicy what's inside of it. Few rich tea to dunk and I'd be in my element.

TallerThanAverage · 07/08/2023 18:03

That said, my teenage diaries (12-17) are a great read, a bit of angst, snogging, unrequited love and teenage drama. I’ve no problem with my children or husband reading them.

JudgeRudy · 07/08/2023 18:05

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/08/2023 12:54

I think if there are things you don't want people to see after your death you should destroy them.

Well that's only practical if you know the day you're going to die!

Holidaystress11 · 07/08/2023 18:09

While your thinking about it burn or destroy anything you don't want found or read now. And make it a regular thing?

JudgeRudy · 07/08/2023 18:10

If he thinks the kids would want to live there as adults that's fine....he can buy you out and the kids can live with their dad. No need for you to be there.
You whole situation is odd. I suspect there's no pint presenting your case to your husband. It'd a perfectly reasonable solution and I can only deduce that hes unreasonable and doesn't actually want to be divorced. Tough. As others have said get legal advice now. I suspect you'll have a fight on your hands.

SmudgeButt · 07/08/2023 18:15

Found lots of things I wish I hadn't after MiL died. OH's baby stuff which she was obviously saving to pass on to non existent grandkids. Letters OH had sent her, sometimes with comments about me and my family.

It's motivated me to clear out great piles of my tat that I don't want to have lingering when I'm not here to say "oh but what I really meant was....."

Charlize43 · 07/08/2023 18:21

Surely sticking post its saying. 'Private - Don't read after my death' is going to make things more compelling and tempting.

I suppose a better idea would be to write someone else's name (a next-door neighbour, another family member or just a random person) on your box of sex toys. Maybe keep them in a DHL box with somebody else's name and address on the front so it looks like a wrong delivery that has somehow ended up underneath your bed.

cannaecookrisotto · 07/08/2023 18:34

Heyhoherewegoagain · 07/08/2023 13:30

After my mum died, we found a box of love letters between her and dad from their younger days. We didn’t read them, but when dad died a couple of years ago these letters went into their grave before dad’s coffin was lowered, so they’ll always be between them

This is so lovely!

ToxicBiennial · 07/08/2023 18:36

Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

I worry about this a lot. I still have diaries that I wrote as a teenager and in my 20s when I was going through some dark times including suicidal ideation. I can’t throw them away but I do worry about family members reading them one day.

I’ve also got very personal letters from decades ago that close friends wrote to me including one who put a lot of detail about her personal life and problems. I probably shouldn’t have kept all this but I find it difficult to throw it all away😳

Tumbleweed101 · 07/08/2023 18:43

My mum died in Jan and I found diaries that encompassed the year or two before I came along, her pregnancy with me and the first couple years of being a mum and same with my younger brother. Honestly as a mum myself her bad days with me didn't upset or shock me. But they were the most comforting item I had after she died. I could read them in her voice and knew her hand had written them. I read them a lot over and over in the first couple months just to get through.