Privacy After Death

[DropCloths]

DFIL died last year and DH has been sorting through his papers.

One file was labelled "private" and I was slightly surprised that DH went through it as he had all the others- it contained some slightly personal medical things and some personal diaries from when DFIL had counselling. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely the kind of thing that (in life) you'd think of as private and not want others to read without your permission.

I'm not really looking for views on DH's decision to read it- his father, his decision. (I haven't read it). But it has made me think more broadly about privacy after death. I have all sorts of things I wouldn't want people to read after I am gone- again, nothing earth-shattering but things like diaries where I've written very personal things, or times when I've been letting off steam but what I've written doesn't represent an accurate reflection of my feelings over all (eg I wrote a diary when DC were small where I said a lot about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. I absolutely loved being with my DC when they were little but if you only read the diaries you wouldn't get that impression and reading the diaries might be very hurtful and misleading for DC).

Would you treat diaries etc after someone has died as private, as they are in life? Would you chuck them away without reading or would you read them? Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

I'm afraid I destroyed all my teenage angst diaries and am constantly removing stuff I wouldn't want my kids to see when I'm gone. It's not about history, it's about me and my family

Mum had a book full of all her passwords so we used that. She had told me where the book was so that wasn’t a secret.

Due to her dying suddenly whilst relatively young and fit we were not prepared at all so felt we needed to go through everything and make sure we had sorted it as she would want us to do. We went to Apple with her death certificate and they unlocked her phone though as we didn’t know the code. My ds did but he was little and couldn’t remember it in the trauma and upset.

She was registered on a dating site but I didn’t go into that, decided I’d draw the line on her privacy there!

I found going through everything quite calming at a time when my heart was truly breaking. I had trouble eating, sleeping, breathing through the pain so found her emails to others comforting as they brought me closer to her. I know she wouldn’t have minded me seeing them, she would have laughed at my sister in law and me finding the toys and underwear I never saw on her washing line in her bedroom!

From what I have read, it is a kind of legacy decluttering. Going through your own possessions but from a third party perspective. Not leaving behind stuff for other people to have to deal with.

Identifying and disposing of those things you are keeping for no real reason: clothes which no longer fit, old suitcases in the loft, old Christmas decorations etc.

Because we don’t want to destroy them. I have a number of things from my grandparents that hold sentimental value to me as do other members of my family. The next person/people will be the next generation they didn’t know her in person they may hold not interest or they might do but I don’t think for them it will feel so intrusive, to us who knew her it does and we are not ready to destroy her items.

I turn 50 soon and I have finished my Swedish death clean. It involves clearing all the unwanted crap out and any personal items which you wouldn't want anyone knowing about.

When I die, my kids will not have to hire skips, house clearance or sort through embarrassing info or suffer any revelations.

They can just grieve and take comfort in that I loved them so much in life, I didn't want to burden them in death.

Also, my Swedish death clean took two years. I have 1/4 of the items I once owned and each of us has a small keepsake box.

It makes my house tidy and easy to clean so it's useful to do as early as you can.

When my youngest went to university I did loads of sorting of old boxes, masses of throwing away (not secret things, just mostly rubbish) and masses and masses of scanning including scanning 100 albums of photos and most of my diaries from age 13 to when they went electronic. I kept the physical photos as the children wanted me to. I also have the few important family history photos from 1890s etc in 2 boxes carefully labelled. I want to ensure it is not too much of a task for my children to sort through my stuff at home when I am dead so hopefully will keep on top of it all. However fo rme this is nothing about secrecy. When I am dead I don't mind if they read my diaries including about dates with men, none of whch is particularly confidential anyway. (I have no secret life as an axe murderer).

It is wise to have things in good order. My father had a black blook in his desk he told us about in his 50s with details of bank account numbers. Actually over 25 years later it was not particularly up to date but it was a useful cross check as I wound up his estate to see if there were any accounts we had forgotten. He was not online and did not have a computer so there was nothing of that kind to check.

thanks for two replies above on Scandi and passwords.

Good that she was enjoying life. Don't judge in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Laugh and smile about it.

I don't 'do' diaries. All my memories are in my head.

Mine are more to work out past stuff, maybe mentally, also obsessive minutiae of living with atypical bulimia, including repeatedly working out the nutrients of items.

I made a youtube channel about my experiences with men so I had to make notes for the videos, for a start.

I have a particular type of notebook that I just sensthually enjoy the feel of the thick paper etc, maybe while also using a Beryl handwriting pen.

Oh and I've written a couple of books so there's planning for those.

But mainly working out mg of nutrients in stuff.

I came across some of my diaries from my early 20s and I was so excited about the world (that was before I was treated for my bipolar. )

Isn’t it going to be more about what we do with our phones? All kinds on there guess you should leave passwords but if not then it means you’re not happy for people to look ? Though photos etc I think most people want

My wonderful mum died 7 years ago, she'd not been in the best of health, but it was unexpected and a real shock. We knew that she had letters that dad had written to her when he was doing his national service, before they were married, and she had always insisted we didn't read them.
She had done the sensible thing and obviously got rid of them, so we weren't faced with that dilemma. She was a very private person, and the temptation to have a peak would have been unbearable!

My husband and I went through a rough patch about 12 years ago
I wrote journals to keep me sane
I destroyed them all last week
They were for my eyes only and would encourage others to do the same
It was actually cathartic and drew a line under that chapter of my life

I’d burn or destroy anything I didn’t want anyone to see before I died.
people go through your stuff when you die. They have to, to sort things out.
so if there’s things there you’d don’t want other people seeing, stick them on the fire.

same with your phone. If you’ve got things you want hidden, hide them. Then tell someone you trust to put a hammer on it if anything happens to you.

Can I ask why you are keeping the old diaries? Are you still reading them? If you don't want the read by anyone get rid, you wrote it down at the time it meant something and helped you at the time but surely it won't help you now, especially if you are worrying about someone seen them.

I’ve cleared several houses of deceased relatives and I have always read letters and diaries. It’s helped me and the rest of the family fill in memory gaps and see our relatives as adult people with hopes, dreams, worries etc.

My father had a difficult relationship with his parents but was deeply touched to read a letter from his grandmother to his father when he was in WW1 telling him she loved him and to stay safe.

My DHs siblings were very gung-ho about clearing their DMs house when she moved into care. Fortunately it was too big a job to do in an afternoon (she’d kept EVERY receipt, letter and statement) and they got bored. Their DF had died when they were all still in school and I wanted to help them find out more about him.

There was very little about him sadly but I sorted all useful paperwork into order and cleared out the irrelevant receipts. Good thing I did as due to arrangements made when their DF died capital gains tax was due when their DM passed away. Some of the more recent paperwork was helpful in mitigating a lot of it. And we also found a suitcase with some interesting and fairly valuable artwork from during WW2.

It took a while to plough through it all and then the pandemic intervened to prevent sharing of some diaries and letters that were found. This delay was a good thing. Now the shock of their DMs death has passed, reading the diaries and letters are helping them piece together other parts of their extended family’s lives.

I would say

• don’t chuck it all out, but keep it for when you are ready to look at it.
• if they are in-laws, don’t read more than you need to to help (do the boring stuff instead) but be prepared to listen and support any unexpected revelations
• be ruthless about your own stuff that you don’t want your relatives to find - you really don’t need to hang on to as much as you think you do.

It’s a tough one. I have photos and messages from a previous partner who was the love of my life or so I thought at that time. I’m sentimental and even though I never read the messages or look at the photos, I guess I feel they are part of the history of who I was and my journey in life. Ergo I like having them there. I have often wondered what my DH or DC would think if they saw them. I don’t know whether to delete them or not either 🤦🏼‍♀️

I really don't understand people who would read them anyway, even when the person they loved specifically asked them not to. I'd see it as an absolute betrayal to do so and not even dream of going against their wishes.

I can live with the thwarted curiosity. I couldn't live with myself if I read something that they so badly wanted not to be read.

Just wanted to add, I wonder if people's reactions are perhaps coloured by the ages they are, and the ages their parents/grandparents were. I come from a very stretched out series of generations - most of my grandparents were born in the 1880s, and died long before I was born, I only ever knew one - so everything they touched seems historical, not personal. I can see that you might feel differently if you are, say, 28 and your recently deceased grandmother is 75.

My best friend is under strict instructions to set fire to my phone and launch it into the sea 😀

I've always thought about this and write my diaries knowing someone may read it. Lol maybe I'm weird.

I just don't understand people putting pen to paper. My diary is full of appointments & NOT my thoughts.
I do have a massive trunk full of birthday / new baby / sorry for your loss / Mother's day etc cards which I will tell my kids to get rid of! Can't bear to do it myself, handwriting of lost loved ones..

I don't keep a diary but started to realise how writers must feel when I did a writing course recently. A lot of writers riff on personal experience, amplify, exaggerate, make someone in real life a much worse character than they actually were etc.

I was showing my mum a piece of writing which was based on experiences living in my old house though amplified/made up and it still felt really personal to show someone that work. More someone I know than a stranger.

Your comment did struck with me. I was just reading this topic and came across your post. It was this morning and I still can’t shake it off and my mind keep on coming back to it. I am so so sorry