Privacy After Death

[DropCloths]

DFIL died last year and DH has been sorting through his papers.

One file was labelled "private" and I was slightly surprised that DH went through it as he had all the others- it contained some slightly personal medical things and some personal diaries from when DFIL had counselling. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely the kind of thing that (in life) you'd think of as private and not want others to read without your permission.

I'm not really looking for views on DH's decision to read it- his father, his decision. (I haven't read it). But it has made me think more broadly about privacy after death. I have all sorts of things I wouldn't want people to read after I am gone- again, nothing earth-shattering but things like diaries where I've written very personal things, or times when I've been letting off steam but what I've written doesn't represent an accurate reflection of my feelings over all (eg I wrote a diary when DC were small where I said a lot about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. I absolutely loved being with my DC when they were little but if you only read the diaries you wouldn't get that impression and reading the diaries might be very hurtful and misleading for DC).

Would you treat diaries etc after someone has died as private, as they are in life? Would you chuck them away without reading or would you read them? Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

I would be dead and wouldn't know lol.

My mother died last year, we went through everything. Found a lot of painful things that we knew about and didn’t know about but essentially it helped understand her more especially looking at those events retrospectively as an adult rather than as a child living through them.

I think if there are things you don't want people to see after your death you should destroy them.

If you don't want family to read stuff, get rid of it or hide it somewhere you know no one would find it.

It’s a good question. My mother died suddenly and there were some sex toys in her bedside cabinet that I will never unsee.

I wouldn't personally read a diary but I would look through papers marked private as there could be all sorts in there. My uncle had a few bank accounts nobody was aware of when he passed away.

That's why people have burned letters and diaries in the past so others won't read them

You could ask a specific person to do this for you after death otherwise I do think the "private" part is ignored after death- because the person who labelled it private no longer is around to feel violated

It could help in understanding things that happened for those who have been left behind

When going through my grandmother's possessions with my dad we found a diary she had kept when my grandad was dying and it was hard to read but gave me a real insight into what she went through then and her thoughts on the support she had from the family at that time,

When MIL died we found all the letters she had ever written or received in a box. There were a huge amount, We burnt them all immediately.

RoadSignFool, surely it didn’t upset you that your mother had a healthy sex drive and enjoyed toys? Did you think that you were a virgin birth and she spent her life celibate?!

This happened to us when we were clearing DP’s grandparents’ home after they’d died. We found an unmarked notebook in the attic, opened it to see what it was, and from the first page we realised it was a diary his Gran kept when she had PND 50 years prior. We closed the book and didn’t read any further as it wasn’t ours to read.

It might sound callous, but DP decided to put it on the bonfire as he thought that is what his Gran would have wanted him to do, she was a very private person and would have hated for anyone to read it.

It’s tricky to plan ahead though if you get hit by a bus.

Some people have a mutual arrangement with a trusted friend to go round in the event of their sudden death and get rid of all the private stuff that they would not want their family to see.

In practice, that could be a difficult one to explain to the grieving relatives when they find you going through the attic. It also assumes you’re OK with your friend seeing the stuff.

Locked safe with instructions to a solicitor maybe?

Yes, seeing a massive black dildo did upset me I’m afraid.

She would not have shared that level of detailed information with me in life and I was embarrassed for her having me know it after her death.

I read and re-read the messages between DH and I but I do not read the messages between him and his DD or his ex-W, they are private and remain private even though he is now dead. I also haven't touched any of his paperwork etc from before we were married, they are not mine to read.

I’ve been in this situation.
A relative left behind a box of old diaries with strict instructions what to do with them and not to read them.
I have to say I was tempted, but I luckily spooked myself and thought they might haunt me forever if I did! So I didn’t read them. I’m still curious what was in them, but I’m glad I respected their wishes.

On a lighter note, I know where my mum keeps her sex toys so they can easily be whisked away before my prudish sister stumbles upon them

My uncle died unexpectedly and we found a gay porn magazine in his belongings when we were clearing things out. I've never told my aunt but it makes you think about what you leave behind!

The difference is that she has chosen to share this information with you.

Yes, it wasn’t a dig at you

As someone interested in family history, I am rather horrified at the number of PPs burning diaries and letters etc. They are a treasure trove of documentary social history that you are destroying. And for what? The deceased person is not around to be distressed by any revelations.
I was given all my late DH’s letters to and from his parents while he was at boarding school, and letters from his grandmother to his parents. I read the lot, and it was a lovely link to his past, both sad (his between the lines homesickness) and funny (granny telling his dad to give him “the talk” about sex and drugs, as she felt he was the sort to “try anything”!)

If you are really concerned then you either need to destroy when you are alive or take steps so that they are explicitly destroyed upon your death by another party.
Merely marking private wouldn't prevent me looking at papers, as lots of papers are marked private but still require attention - most of my mums employment, pension, financial and medical records are marked private yet I still need to deal with them as her POA (she's not dead yet but has severe dementia)
It meant I have discovered somethings I wish I hadn't about my family & history which is particularly hard as she's still alive yet I cannot ask her about them (possibly another relative we didn't know about/ awful details of past events ) and I wish mum had planned things differently (her papers were a mess so I had to look through everything to find what was needed and what wasn't)
If you are really worried then you should sort it out now as you never know what may happen and when.

For most, respect for deceased family members will outweigh the possibility of finding something interesting.

DP’s Gran’s struggles with PND and the diaries she kept during that time were hers, even though she is now dead, she wouldn’t have wanted her grandson to read those things so he destroyed the diary out of respect.

Just because someone is no longer around to be embarrassed or distressed, it doesn’t mean that you can just forget all the respect you had for them in life so you can dig around for something interesting to satisfy your own curiosity.

My parents told me to read everything when they gone - but to be fair they had obviously been through all their papers and had a clear out. It was all in order, no surprises, very easy to do the finances etc as it was all listed out and in 1 file.

To those saying throw away before you die, that's not always possible. Someone could die quite young in an accident for example with zero time to prepare. Difficult decision and I'm not sure what the answer would be.

I’m currently clearing my Mum’s house. I found letters between her and my Dad (also dead) from when they were “courting.” I haven’t read them. I also just uncovered some badly written and vicious poetry in her handwriting, about hating those that she is supposed to love. I’m an only child, we had a difficult relationship, and it’s clear that I’m the subject of the poetry. That’s all gone straight in the bin.

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