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Original poster

Privacy After Death

268 replies

DropCloths · 07/08/2023 12:50

DFIL died last year and DH has been sorting through his papers.

One file was labelled "private" and I was slightly surprised that DH went through it as he had all the others- it contained some slightly personal medical things and some personal diaries from when DFIL had counselling. Nothing earth-shattering but definitely the kind of thing that (in life) you'd think of as private and not want others to read without your permission.

I'm not really looking for views on DH's decision to read it- his father, his decision. (I haven't read it). But it has made me think more broadly about privacy after death. I have all sorts of things I wouldn't want people to read after I am gone- again, nothing earth-shattering but things like diaries where I've written very personal things, or times when I've been letting off steam but what I've written doesn't represent an accurate reflection of my feelings over all (eg I wrote a diary when DC were small where I said a lot about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. I absolutely loved being with my DC when they were little but if you only read the diaries you wouldn't get that impression and reading the diaries might be very hurtful and misleading for DC).

Would you treat diaries etc after someone has died as private, as they are in life? Would you chuck them away without reading or would you read them? Are you planning to chuck any of your own private papers away to avoid loved ones seeing them after your death, or does it not bother you?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 07/08/2023 14:18

It works the other way, too. What if your child had diaries etc - would you then read them?

barlie · 07/08/2023 14:18

I have worried about my own sex toys tbh, in case I suddenly die, so interested to read that here. They are not something I would want any of my three sons to find and remember me by, but nor do I want to keep them in a secure box at this point in my life!! I don't really feel I want to speak to a friend on the off chance that something sudden happens to me... its not a topic we have chatted about in our friendship group tbh.

Willmafrockfit · 07/08/2023 14:19

i think there is a swedish word, you clean out your things, that you wouldnt want people to find.
i threw out my diaries fairly recently.

givemushypeasachance · 07/08/2023 14:20

As @BackOfTheMum5net says, you have no automatic right of privacy once you are dead. That's the definition of personal data - information about an identifiable LIVING person. You can still be protected by someone owing you a duty of confidence, which your representative could exercise on your behalf. So e.g. a random person can't get hold of your medical or social services records as the agencies still owe deceased you a duty of confidence as they were providing you with healthcare or what have you, and making the information public wouldn't be in your interests. But that same personal representative can ask to see those records.

Willmafrockfit · 07/08/2023 14:20

Döstädning
decluttering.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 07/08/2023 14:21

To think I was worried about keeping the little negligee I had when DH and I first got together in my memory box incase those left behind thought I was a tart or something.

MoonLion · 07/08/2023 14:22

My dad keeps a diary and has all his old ones going back decades. I've asked him if he minds what happens to it after his death (he's 86) and he says I can read it if I like. If he'd asked me to destroy it, I 100% would have done so.

msssm · 07/08/2023 14:22

Heyhoherewegoagain · 07/08/2023 13:30

After my mum died, we found a box of love letters between her and dad from their younger days. We didn’t read them, but when dad died a couple of years ago these letters went into their grave before dad’s coffin was lowered, so they’ll always be between them

What a beautiful thing to do

Toddlerteaplease · 07/08/2023 14:24

We found all the letters and diaries my grandma kept. It was lovely to read what she wrote the day my mum was born etc. and the letters between her and my grandad were just absolutely lovely. They clearly adored each other. Every single letter was addressed to 'My darling Lillian' it was just lovely.

Crunchymum · 07/08/2023 14:25

My mum died in 2020. She died very suddenly but had suffered with her MH for as long as I could remember (panic and anxiety and she was agoraphobic in her last few months but it was also height of covid). In the last few years of her life her MH declined terribly

She'd always kept diaries / journalled and after her death we were left with the final few years of her journals (not sure where the rest went). We all knew she'd been struggling more and more in recent years and made a unanimous decision to not read her journals. Myself, 3 siblings and my DF all agreed we didn't want to know the true depth of her despair and sadness in those last few, horrible years.

Threecacti · 07/08/2023 14:25

No I wouldn't read someone's personal innermost thoughts. What good would come of it?

Obviously you may accidentally come across that sort of stuff when sorting paperwork though.

itsmylife7 · 07/08/2023 14:26

Heyhoherewegoagain · 07/08/2023 13:30

After my mum died, we found a box of love letters between her and dad from their younger days. We didn’t read them, but when dad died a couple of years ago these letters went into their grave before dad’s coffin was lowered, so they’ll always be between them

That is one of the sweetest things I've ever read. 🤗

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 14:29

There have never been more people documenting every tedious detail of their lives and thoughts in public. Blogs, FB, TikTok, Instagram. Every ruddy meal photographed, the content of their hearts poured out on MN and in their blogs and WA messages. I even know people who've had very ordinary lives who've written autobiographies. IMO I am forced to know far too much about people.

PollyThePixie · 07/08/2023 14:31

Babdoc · 07/08/2023 13:13

RoadSignFool’s mum sounds like she was a helluva lady - respect to her memory!
I think you youngsters forget that my and presumably her generation were the original Women’s Libbers, bra burning, hippy, summer of love, first generation to have reliable contraception, etc. And being over 70 doesn’t mean we suddenly became prim miseries.
I think you should celebrate your mum’s love of life and positivity about her sexuality, rather than being upset about it.

You are completely missing the point the poster very clearly made regarding her mothers personal items.

And what for? So you can post as above and lecture people on your bra burning days.

Thankfully there are those here who are also older and have lead a full life but they can still understand just what the poster meant.

drpet49 · 07/08/2023 14:31

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/08/2023 12:54

I think if there are things you don't want people to see after your death you should destroy them.

This

Vegetus · 07/08/2023 14:32

Couldn't give a toss, I'd be dead. In fact I might leave stupid things behind and send my descendants on a few wild goose chases just for fun.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/08/2023 14:35
  1. you wouldn’t know
  2. if you don’t want anyone reading them then destroy them now and don’t keep any more
of course people are going to read them, it’s all part of sorting papers out
afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 14:36

Crunchymum · 07/08/2023 14:25

My mum died in 2020. She died very suddenly but had suffered with her MH for as long as I could remember (panic and anxiety and she was agoraphobic in her last few months but it was also height of covid). In the last few years of her life her MH declined terribly

She'd always kept diaries / journalled and after her death we were left with the final few years of her journals (not sure where the rest went). We all knew she'd been struggling more and more in recent years and made a unanimous decision to not read her journals. Myself, 3 siblings and my DF all agreed we didn't want to know the true depth of her despair and sadness in those last few, horrible years.

This is so sad. Good on you for not reading her diaries.

Not everyone is Samuel Pepys. (Side-eye at @Babdoc) That's why we know Pepys or Kilvert, because they were exceptional.

dontgobreakingmy · 07/08/2023 14:37

Surely you need to go through it.

There could be something in there regarding his wishes, other children you don't about or money etc.

If he didn't want anyone to see it once he'd died then he should have got rid of it.

MmaRra · 07/08/2023 14:37

After his death, which was initially not thought to be suspicious, Peter Farquhar's extensive diaries recently helped to convict his murderer.

peachgreen · 07/08/2023 14:39

loislovesstewie · 07/08/2023 13:42

My DH died last year, I burnt all of his diaries. All 40 years worth . I felt that was too intrusive even for me, they were his private thoughts , and I'm sure that he sometimes ranted about me. I didn't want our kids to know what he felt about very personal stuff, so off it went. there wasn't anything marked personal on a folder, just the diaries.

Yes I felt the same. He told me what he felt about me, I didn’t need that tainted by anything he might have written in temporary anger. Sorry for your loss, it is such a tough thing to go through.

Flakey99 · 07/08/2023 14:40

When my mum died unexpectedly, my sister and I were sorting through her stuff and discovered an old photo of my mum in her early twenties hand in hand with a man who definitely wasn’t our dad. She got married at 21.

We asked her older sister (Aunty B) about it and it turns out that mum was originally engaged to this man but she broke it off as it was during WW2 and they both enlisted and were posted to different parts of the country. She met my dad at the airbase she was posted to and married him. The chap in the photo emigrated to Australia after the war, according to our Aunt.

Sadly, our parents marriage wasn’t very happy as dad was an alcoholic (I suspect due to undiagnosed PTSD), but it was quite shocking to discover that mum had kept this photo all these years. She must have really regretted ending their engagement. I know she loved her children and grandchildren very much but to think she might have had a happier life with someone else. Poor mum. ☹️

floribunda18 · 07/08/2023 14:40

If you are an executor you have to find out everything you can about the estate and make sure there aren't any debts you might not have known about. Or indeed any subsequent wills. I'd certainly be opening a file belonging to a close family member marked "private".

TreatYoBookShelf · 07/08/2023 14:42

I think about this a lot too. I have lots of journals, I have never written anything awful or that my DP doesn't know about but they can just be a bit woe is me at times, as I guess that is what a journal is for, venting! They are also full of a lot of happy memories too though and I enjoy looking back through them and feel a bit sad at the thought of them just being burnt after I am gone.

I used to be worried about people finding them and reading them if something were to happen to me, but then I realised after reading some of them back that they are so boring they would probably only get to the 4th page before giving up. Hardly Diary of a Call Girl or Anne Frank.

Laiste · 07/08/2023 14:42

I think the bottom line is: if you have something you wouldn't want anyone else in the world to see or read when you pop your clogs, get rid of it now. We could all go under a bus tomorrow. What's the point of keeping bits of writing locked away in a drawer anyway?

There's nothing in my possession which would embarrass my kids. Genuinely the worst they'd find is a pair of silk stockings, suspender belt and matching knickers. I think they'd survive the discovery 😜

Would i read something marked private? Totally honestly? Yes i might.

In fact years ago i did innocently stumble across something in a relative's house. It was a loose page of writing which fell on my head and i was reading it as i picked it up and before it dawned on me what it was. And i was shocked!

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