Would you leave a partner who's not ready for marriage after 4 years?

[Isthebusstillrunning]

Don't want to give away too much specific info but if your partner is 29, you are 32, and together for approx 4 years. He wasn't ready after 3 years, and now after 4 years hasn't proposed/said he wants a child at this time, regardless of the reasons.
Would you at this point call it quits or is it still too early in the relationship/him too 'young"?

Yes I left mine at 28, we were married but he wanted to wait another 10 yrs to TTC.

Yes I would.

I had my children very late.

I now realise how lucky I was.

I would not waste my fertility on someone who won't commit.

It is easy to say that In hindsight.

Make it clear to your partner you want to start trying for children. See what they say.

Do not waste time.

10 years! I'm sorry that happened, it's totally understandable you couldn't wait 10 years, that's ridiculous.

Thank you.
It's sad but that's how it operates I guess. Men have longer than women. It's our future at stake and we have to think of ourselves.

It’s a bit tricky to advise without more info. Does he say he wants to do these things in the future but isn’t quite ready now, or is he refusing to engage in any conversation about the future at all?

Depends. When we lived in London, no one in our circle had kids or got married until 35ish. In the regions, seems to happen sooner.

Took my husband 10 years and we were young at 32. Together from age 21. Thought about finishing it because he wouldn't officially commit.

It's been 20 years now. Glad I didn't.

I'm sorry but yes, it's time to go

It does seem to be later in London for some reason.
Just cannot give a specific time frame. I would like to before 35 preferably.

Yeah, I would go

Also you really don't want to be the mum that has a half interested partner. It is so very tiring doing everything. Ideally you want someone who wants to parent as a team.

Do not waste your precious fertility.

Surely after 4 years both of you should know at what stage of relationship you are?
Time for him to shit or get off the pot so to speak.

OP, don’t waste your fertile years. Plenty of stories here of women waiting for a proposal while the clock was ticking,only for him to swap her for a younger model.

Think carefully about having a child without getting married (and all the practicalities)

You know what if he's only half interested at that age he'd be a shit partner for having kids with anyway (even if he's cajoled into it a few years later). Saw it lots in my 30's - never worked out well. Leave, find someone whose more into you and/or more into kids

I think generally speaking you should know by then. You might not actually get married immediately for various reasons but you should be on the same page.

We got married after 6 years (engaged at 5) but had known this was on the cards after 2 years. However that was 2008 so we decided to buy a house as our savings were better spent on a deposit.

Yeah you should know after 4yrs. Men have longer than women biologically sure but I don’t think enough men are actually thinking, if I wait till 40 to have a child I will be 50 when they’re in high school etc etc.

Have you had those conversations? 4 years in we weren't married, but had discussed our long term plans and were on the same page. We wanted to buy a house first and to be at certain points in our careers before having children, I had also been clear I wouldn't have children without being married. We got together when I was 25 though so had more time. We didn't actually get engaged until I was 31, married at 33 DS at 34 but I'm from London and live just outside so that is pretty standard

Yes I'd go. Don't waste your precious life.

Have you talked about and he’s saying he doesn’t want marriage / kids? We got married after 10 years but we’d talked about it from an earlier stage, and we met when I was 21.

No but neither of us wanted children, we were together for years before we got married.

No, because I have never been obsessed with getting married.

DP & I have been together for 25+ years, we own a house together, and we have no plans to marry. We remain together because we both want to, not because we are contractually tied to one another.

This situation may not work for most people, but we are not ‘most people’ and it works for us. It isn’t compulsory to be normal.

To answer your question. Yes and I almost did.

Dh and I had discussed marriage and children, but nothing had come from those chats. After 3 years, I gave him a year.

I wouldn't recommend ultimatums unless you are sure you will follow through if it doesn't go your way, or you know your partner is likely to say "let's do it then"

I'd leave - but then I always wanted marriage. All my partners have known this and now DH proposed on our 2nd anniversary.
How long have you lived together?

Pretty much the most important thing in a lasting relationship is wanting the same stuff out of life. So if what you want is children, strong family, committed relationship - this man is not for you.

He may want that someday. He may want it with somebody else. But after 4 years, he is not after what you are, right now, in this relationship.

Lived together for 3 years.
I suppose the answer is simply that he doesn't want it with me/doesn't love me enough, no?
Thanks for all your answers.

I would be walking away.
I was with my BF for 4 years he didn’t want to live together.
met my now DH who asked to move in after 6 months, proposed after 2 years, we had a baby after 2.5 years and married at 3.5. If a man really wants you there’s nothing stopping him starting the life you both want together. My husband had no shyness about telling me he was ready and he was 28/29

I asked him what he wanted, because the clock was ticking for me and I wanted children and marriage, and if he still wasn't sure I was off.

I regret it. I should have left. He married me and had the kids, but I'm pretty sure in hindsight he wasn't really keen. And now I'm trapped.