Would you leave a partner who's not ready for marriage after 4 years?

[Isthebusstillrunning]

Don't want to give away too much specific info but if your partner is 29, you are 32, and together for approx 4 years. He wasn't ready after 3 years, and now after 4 years hasn't proposed/said he wants a child at this time, regardless of the reasons.
Would you at this point call it quits or is it still too early in the relationship/him too 'young"?

He's 29 I would give him another year and see how he feels once he hits 30. 4 years is still early days and men tend to not like to make commitments until they know they can provide.

I hate how we infantalise (if that's a word) men these days. Any man under 30 is supposed to be given a free pass for being devoid of any sort of commitment or responsibility, because he's 'only 29' bless him.
It's hardly 18/19.
Why do we do this?

Yes I would go. A child together is a huge commitment. How is it possible he can commit to that but not to marriage? In my view it’s because he knows he doesn’t want to marry you

@Isthebusstillrunning
Not everyone entering a relationship is looking for marriage. One of the upsides of living together is that you get to know what living with that person will entail. One of the downsides of living with someone is that you get to see what living with someone will entail.

In my opinion , most couples know within a year if they wish to marry. Beyond that time , you have an opportunity to experience all of the trying times in a marriage, and to question why should you marry this particular person. The longer you live together the greater the opportunity for the shine to be gone from the 2 of you living together.

I think it gets worse when the shine is gone and yet one of the parties wants the fantasy wedding experience and the other party is struggling to want marriage at all.

The question for you is do you want a family with this man enough to start a family without marriage? Many woman will say its only a piece of paper , nothing will really change. I think usually that is code for he no longer wants to marry me.

Bottom line is that you have to decide where your line in the sand is drawn , and that is something that only you can decide.

If you have had the talk already time to end it.

I did similar and walked away from a guy who wanted to chat nonesense about babies and marriage while living like peter pan.

I met my DH when i was 33/34. He was 28 and i was very clear on what i was looki g for and timings.
I'm 39 and we are married with a house and second DC due later this year...

Dont waste a second longer with this guy

Not necessarily. Many men are just nothing like as interested in weddings & marriage as women are. The wedding industry does not market its products & services to men, and there’s a reason for that. Maybe he’s just perfectly happy with the situation as it stands & sees no reason to change it?

Whatever his reasons, it’s pointless trying to read his mind so if you want to get married & start a family soon, it’s time for some straight talking so you both understand what the other thinks. Good luck.

That's long enough to know.
I'm sorry OP, it must hurt.
It's not that he doesn't want it with you or love you enough. Maybe he just hasn't thought about it.
Plenty of women don't really think about it either. Or are happy to not have marriage.

Whatever the reason, if you want it and he doesn't, you are incompatible. As you said women have less time if they want to reproduce, sad but true.

I have my now husband an ultimatum thinking I was an awful person for doing so. Now years later, countless women have told me they did the same, or at least told their partners it was time to propose and commit. I think a lot of men just don't think about it and are happy to go with the status quo.

I'd walk away but marriage always was super important to me.

I wish I did! Ended up leaving after 8yrs.

Men are happy to bumble on once you move in. Their life is comfortable with little effort on their part. I refused to move in even when he bought a house until our wedding night. Children four years later. We had so much fun doing the house up, saving up for furniture, scouring auction houses , checking local sales.

A friend once said men are just lazy about marriage once they've got everything they need.

I don't think it's unique to men. Even women having babies under 30 are seen as 'young' these days, although who knows how long it takes to TTC.
30 is not a magic number.... and besides even if a man proposes at 29 it might be more than a year before the wedding actually takes place. Especially if you're particular about the date and need to save up.

With hindsight yea. The goal posts will get pushed and pushed. An ultimatum and honest conversation and then if it does not go your way leave. It sounds like he just doesn't want it.

Yes I would go. Talk to him one final time if you wish, doesn't have to be like an ultimatum. I politely told mine that I'm not interested in being together 10 plus years not married and won't have children before marriage, explicitly asked him when he wants to get married and it worked.
I met him at 33 and lamented myself wasting time with men who don't know what they want. I know lots of men (including DH) who think they don't want to get married until they meet the right person and then they propose in a short time once they do. They usually know if they want to marry a woman quickly. Sorry OP, it must hurt now, but you shouldn't waste your fertile years with someone like that and open space for a man who wants to marry you with all his heart.

Yes I would leave. I was given a piece of advice - if he hasn’t proposed/committed within 18 months then you are not ‘the one’ for him. Now this doesn't mean that he won’t marry you in the end, he may get to the point that he can’t be bothered to look for anyone else, realise no one else wants him, he’s settled enough and may propose in the end but you were not his ideal. Men know very quickly if they want to marry you and if they don’t know then they don’t want to. I put this to the test and found the love of my life, we were discussing marriage and a family very early on and he proposed at 17 months in the most beautiful way. Don’t settle for any less than you deserve and remember you are fantastic and deserve someone who worships you.

He may not want it with anyone. He might just date women indefinitely until each one realises he's not the man they thought.

This doesn't have to be a "you" thing. It could just be how he is and how he'll live the rest of his life.

I have a male friend. Gorgeous. Funny. Very successful (albeit started with daddy's money) and has a new gorgeous girlfriend every 3yrs approximately. Because he will not commit. And each woman gets sick of the groundhog day. It's always the same, flash holidays, fine dining, skiing, and that seems to make them hang around for a bit, then they slowly realise if they want either a husband or a family, it's never gonna happen and they leave/he dumps them after a big argument about never getting married.

Have you talked about this with him?

If he knows marriage, and children within that marriage, is important to you but won't commit then it's time to move on and find someone who feels the same as you. You might end up resenting him for not marrying you if you continue the relationship for several more years which will surely kill it anyway.

As others have said, it depends what's most important to you.

When I was 31 I asked my then boyfriend what his intentions were (we'd been together roughly 3 years and were living together) and he said he was happy with how things were.

It honestly didn't occur to me to leave him. I guess I valued being with him on whatever terms over getting married, etc. But it would be totally legitimate to feel the opposite, especially if you want children and you're not sure if he does. If something is important to you, you deserve clarity on whether he wants it too.

Fwiw, it took him another 3 years to propose. We've now been happily married 6 years and have two children.

In my experience men know if they want to commit and they do it. Especially if there is a risk they will lose a woman they love. They are usually pretty keen about the kids thing too, if they want them.

Do you want to be with him forever i.e. marriage?
Do you only want DC with this particular man?
Would you only have DC within a marriage?
Do you want a child ? Not to bothered if it is with him or someone else.
Four totally separate questions. The answers will tell you if you should walk away.

This is a load of bollocks.

What discussion did you have with him when you decided to live together?

I was very clear with my partner that I did not want children.

We are still together 40+ years later.

I really dislike admitting it as it feels so anti - feminst / unmodern / i dont know

But this is my experience based on friends / people i know.
The guys who were decisive and keen to "lock it in" because they couldnt believe their luck that they found someone so amazing are the ones who have strong marriages and are good husbands / fathers.
The ones who were talked into it or did it after yearsssss of heel dragging are disappointly true to form (even the ones that seemed like good eggs) in thinking their wives careers should be deprioritised / sleeping in diff rooms when they have a newborn so they can work the next day / generally shirking responsibility.

In future set a time limit !! 18 months to propose and set a wedding date or ty next.

Co habiting isn't a great idea unless def "the one", marriage on the cards. Yeah it's considered normal these days but it doesn't work in women's favour. Plenty of threads on that

My DD lived with her partner for 5 1/2 years before her partner proposed. They wanted to buy their house first so they saved hard for a deposit. Then after engagement they saved for 2 years for their wedding and honeymoon. 2 years later my DD got pregnant which was planned. 3 years later 2nd DC also planned. Do 7 1/2 years together before marriage. They were both on agreement though.