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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you leave a partner who's not ready for marriage after 4 years?

90 replies

Isthebusstillrunning · 06/08/2023 21:22

Don't want to give away too much specific info but if your partner is 29, you are 32, and together for approx 4 years. He wasn't ready after 3 years, and now after 4 years hasn't proposed/said he wants a child at this time, regardless of the reasons.
Would you at this point call it quits or is it still too early in the relationship/him too 'young"?

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 06/08/2023 22:57

@Isthebusstillrunning
I don't think that we infantalize men so much as we encourage fantasies in little girls. Have you ever heard a little boy, preteen, teenage, or young adult man talk about his fantasy wedding? At most a teenager may say he expects to marry a "hot girl."

Little girls from early stages on will talk about the wedding that they want to have someday. Some will actually have pretend weddings. It is heart breaking to hear an adult female saying " since I was a little girl , I have dreamed of my wedding. ". To bad that we don't encourage them to say ," since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a doctor or an engineer. "

For many men, I think living together is much like an internship. They get to decide that this is not the job that they want or they may want the job but not with this company. Women on the otherhand tend to feel that having invested time into this internship that they are owed a job offer. Many women will feel entitled to the job offer even if the internship has been a less than positive experience.

Both parties should feel free to move at their own speed, and should feel free to walk away without pressure or acrimony if things are not moving at a pace that works for them.

justasking111 · 06/08/2023 22:59

Mari9999 · 06/08/2023 22:57

@Isthebusstillrunning
I don't think that we infantalize men so much as we encourage fantasies in little girls. Have you ever heard a little boy, preteen, teenage, or young adult man talk about his fantasy wedding? At most a teenager may say he expects to marry a "hot girl."

Little girls from early stages on will talk about the wedding that they want to have someday. Some will actually have pretend weddings. It is heart breaking to hear an adult female saying " since I was a little girl , I have dreamed of my wedding. ". To bad that we don't encourage them to say ," since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a doctor or an engineer. "

For many men, I think living together is much like an internship. They get to decide that this is not the job that they want or they may want the job but not with this company. Women on the otherhand tend to feel that having invested time into this internship that they are owed a job offer. Many women will feel entitled to the job offer even if the internship has been a less than positive experience.

Both parties should feel free to move at their own speed, and should feel free to walk away without pressure or acrimony if things are not moving at a pace that works for them.

Perfect analogy 😂

WorryWorryWort · 06/08/2023 22:59

3 years in he needs to give you an indication of his intentions or thoughts regarding marriage and children if they are important to you.

It also means you dont hang about coyly waiting for a romantic proposal you need to insist on a direct conversation and commitment to timelines so you know where you stand and can make an informed decision.

RuthTopp · 06/08/2023 23:00

My friend had her first baby at age 37 , and I started my menopause around age 38/39 .
You really don't know what your fertility is , if your feeling like you are ready to try to conceive and he isn't , or if it's important to you to be married before you do , then probably it's time you got rid of him and find someone who is aligned with you.

Tanfastic · 06/08/2023 23:02

I did this, together for five years but I was a bit younger than you, I was 28 when I ended it. I could never see him settling down with me and I wanted kids and he was non committal
About anything even living together.

Took me another 4 years before I met my husband at 32, married two years later, child a year after that at 35. so I'm glad I came out when I did.

Olika · 06/08/2023 23:03

In my opinion you should have a chat with him. Then you know what his timeline is in comparison to yours and what guy do next. As you are 32 I wouldn't wait too much longer to start trying for a baby if that's what you want.

Tanfastic · 06/08/2023 23:04

Isthebusstillrunning · 06/08/2023 21:50

Lived together for 3 years.
I suppose the answer is simply that he doesn't want it with me/doesn't love me enough, no?
Thanks for all your answers.

As hard as this sounds, maybe he's not sure about you.

I definitely think this was the case with me, he just wasn't as into me as I was to him. He didn't even seem that upset when I ended it tbh which confirmed it for me. I was devastated though.

justasking111 · 06/08/2023 23:06

Both my DILs were very smart had their own homes and didn't live together until they got engaged and planning the wedding. The weddings were within a year and they started families straight away.

I don't think either of my sons feet touched the ground, they were smitten very quickly.

Callyem · 06/08/2023 23:10

Id weigh up whether they just didn't want the faff yet but certainly saw their future married to me, or if they were not proposing because they were not entirely sure and keeping their options open. If I felt it was the latter, I'd leave.

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 23:11

Isthebusstillrunning · 06/08/2023 21:53

I hate how we infantalise (if that's a word) men these days. Any man under 30 is supposed to be given a free pass for being devoid of any sort of commitment or responsibility, because he's 'only 29' bless him.
It's hardly 18/19.
Why do we do this?

I wasn't infantilising him. I'm saying you've been with him for just 4 years, you are older and more ready then him to settle down and do the family thing. There are high expectations these days for standards of living. A man can't just get a job down the coal mines and raise a family of 6 kids anymore. They're expected to have the perfect house, car, fancy job etc
Maybe he's waiting until he's at the right point financially, which might not be yet.
It's up to you if you want to chuck away the last 4 years or give him a bit more time and if you're worried about getting too old, it might take another 2+ years to find the right man and you might even go through this a 2nd time and be even older by then.

DarkSpark · 06/08/2023 23:18

I have a close friend who met her ex partner around the same time as I met DH. He eventually moved in with her after 2 years under duress, 4 years after that he switched from saying he just wasn't ready for marriage and children yet to wasn't sure he'd ever be ready or want that. My friend had always been clear that those were things that were important to her long term. She ended it.
He moved on to another (younger) woman and did the same routine, 8 years later he's knocking on the door of 40 and still not 'ready'.
If both partners go in fully in agreement that they aren't interested in marriage and/or are happy to be childfree then great. In this situation I wouldn't waste my time dragging someone along who wasn't invested in the same things I am and trying to persuade him to want to marry me.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 06/08/2023 23:26

Depends on reasons why. My OH proposed around 6 months after we started dating but we didn't actually get married until about 6/7 years after we started dating, this was mostly spurred by my dad becoming very ill and me wanting to be able to tell him (my dad) that we were finally going to get married so that he at least knew about it before he potentially died (which he did). Getting married in a hurry was not a big concern for us otherwise, but then he had at least proposed early on...

With having children, we discussed and agreed early on that we both wanted children eventually, I ideally wanted to have them between the ages of 25-30 but my husband was never ready back then and I did agree with his reasons re finances, living situation (him being at uni, us not bringing in much money, moving around a lot, chasing job contracts, not having a permanent job and such), in the end when I turned 30 we were finally in a more secure financial situation and I kind of put my foot down, said I had already put off my plans re children for 5 years to support him and we were in the best situation work wise/housing wise that we had ever been in so it was time to try for a baby. He agreed, but technically from first starting dating to actually trying to conceive we waited about 11 years. I am an older mother than I ideally wanted to be, but I have my 2 children I always wanted and am overall happy and agree that doing it earlier likely would not have worked out for us. So it does depend on the reasons he gives, is there any truth or validity to them or does he just say he doesn't want to yet and nothing more, if it's the latter then yes I would be thinking about whether I wanted to stay with him or not.

However, we had more time on our side as we got together at around age 20, I can imagine the biological clock feeling you might be feeling as I felt it around age 30. I would probably be talking ultimatums with my OH if we had got to me being age 32 and still not agreed to start TTC yet. I think when I did put my foot down at age 30 my husband was still not really ready, still felt trepidation about TTC, he ultimately agreed but I wonder if men just don't feel the same pressure and worries or are more likely to just never feel truly ready.

Nousername94 · 06/08/2023 23:29

No I wouldn’t but I don’t care about getting married

CKL987 · 07/08/2023 00:05

You don't say what conversations you have had with him? It reads as if he has said nothing but how much have you discussed it with him?

Personally, the marriage thing wouldn't bother me because (ignoring the financial security aspect MN users go on about) I find the need to sign a piece of paper to confirm your love and commitment weird. The children thing is a different matter though. If he hasn't committed to it at some point then yes leave but if he just isn't ready not then I wouldn't necessarily.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/08/2023 00:53

If he hasn't committed to you in 4 years, it seems unlikely he will, even if he says he wants to
Have a serious chat where you put your cards on the table
Set a deadline( in your mind only
If no progress Walk

RobertaFirmino · 07/08/2023 01:15

It took me and DH 17 years to get married. Neither of us was particularly bothered about it until he had a cancer scare and that's when we decided to do it for legal reasons. Even then, it was a case of him saying 'Do you think we should get married so you can be my next of kin?' and me saying 'Yeah, probably' and we had a classic MN £200 wedding.

I'd probably end it. Why would you want to be married to someone who had to be cajoled and threatened into it? Surely you deserve a husband who wants to be married to you of his own free will.

RugglesB · 07/08/2023 02:31

In my experience men know quite quickly if they want to get married. Sorry OP but this one isn't likely the one. I wouldn't waste any more time.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 07/08/2023 03:01

I have him 2.5 years. He wasn’t ready so I left.

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 03:05

Yep. Would've been binned, hopefully quite a while ago.

I went through that when I was about your age OP, so I know how upsetting it is 😔 x

montecarlo7 · 07/08/2023 04:04

Isthebusstillrunning · 06/08/2023 21:28

It does seem to be later in London for some reason.
Just cannot give a specific time frame. I would like to before 35 preferably.

If he can't give a specific timeframe, and you know you want children, I would leave in your situation. Especially if you want more than one child.

I am of the opinion that it's ideal to have kids when you're younger where possible. When I think back to how much energy I had in my 20s vs how much I have late 30s, it makes sense.

hippygirllucky · 07/08/2023 04:18

I left ex after 5. I asked if we could move in together and he said he'd prefer to live with friends (he was living with mum at the time). I wanted in to propose, he didn't even want to live together. Sometimes not wanting the same things is the same as not being compatible.

Met my now husband while I was still with ex and it couldn't have been different, we had the exact same life plans and it felt so right.

Octosaurus · 07/08/2023 04:21

100% if you want kids and marriage you should definitely leave otherwise you will waste your whole fertility on this man

mathanxiety · 07/08/2023 04:38

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 23:11

I wasn't infantilising him. I'm saying you've been with him for just 4 years, you are older and more ready then him to settle down and do the family thing. There are high expectations these days for standards of living. A man can't just get a job down the coal mines and raise a family of 6 kids anymore. They're expected to have the perfect house, car, fancy job etc
Maybe he's waiting until he's at the right point financially, which might not be yet.
It's up to you if you want to chuck away the last 4 years or give him a bit more time and if you're worried about getting too old, it might take another 2+ years to find the right man and you might even go through this a 2nd time and be even older by then.

Show quote history

In other words, "Swallow the sunken coats fallacy, hook, line, and sinker."

What has happened is that men are no longer expected to be married to women they sleep with or to feel any obligation to women.

mathanxiety · 07/08/2023 04:38

*costs

Beseen22 · 07/08/2023 04:41

If after a year of serious dating we weren't on the same page then I would have thought about moving on. I don't really see it as an ultimatum, it's not a "if you don't propose by January I'm leaving situation" it's more if we aren't on the same page about this incredibly important life decision after a period of time then do our values and goals align? And if not then I can't imagine it being the marriage I would have wanted.

Marriage is very important to me (nothing to do with a wedding, hated being a bride and certainly nothing to do with a ring most days I wear a plain thin band). I wanted to be married before commiting financially with someone to buy a home. I love that we have our own family unit together and have grown together and been through good and bad times together. I understand that is not the case for everyone and can absolutely respect that view. I just think people should be able to discuss these massive life decisions together rather than waiting for the man to propose. If you don't think being married is important then that's fine but realistically we are not that compatible so let's discuss it and decide if its a deal breaker rather than dragging it out.