Would you leave a partner who's not ready for marriage after 4 years?

[Isthebusstillrunning]

Don't want to give away too much specific info but if your partner is 29, you are 32, and together for approx 4 years. He wasn't ready after 3 years, and now after 4 years hasn't proposed/said he wants a child at this time, regardless of the reasons.
Would you at this point call it quits or is it still too early in the relationship/him too 'young"?

Agree with this OP. I also hate how ALL the societal discussion about ‘women having children later’ is framed as WARNING WOMEN NOT TO LEAVE IT TOO LATE yet it’s usually that she’s ready and he wants to ‘wait’

we should be warning MEN not to leave it too late if they want kids.

And making it clear that stringing a woman along if you DONT want kids yet / with her / at all is an awful thing to do.

post 25 a couple of years living together is enough to decide if you’re in or out. Once she’s past 30 the time you have to decide gets shorter and shorter.

weve got to start telling men to behave like adults not make us the baddies for advocating for our own lives

Given he's giving no reason/timeframe/talk of future when you have been clear on your intentions yes I would leave

Different if he said he would like to wait 2 more years and have that time travelling/saving/any plan whatsoever. Again if he discussed being unsure due to recent issues in the relationship and wanted to work on them to be sure of compatibility etc that would be worth contemplating as there is an element of knowledge and communication so you can both work out if it works/doesn't. You have no idea if he will ever decide to have children with you and deserve a person who can at least be honest about their future plan, or be mature enough to begin to make one.

Nothing wrong with never wanting children/marriage, what I dislike is when someone just says 'not ready' without rhyme or reason, and I wouldn't stay with that

Sorry OP but I think it is time to go your separate ways.

I was with my x boyfriend for 6 years until I was 28. We'd bought a house together and then moved up the ladder and I thought the next step was to get engaged etc.

Then he proclaimed in front of our all our friends that he didn't believe in marriage and didn't want kids. I was so embarrassed.

Well needless to say things went downhill. Long story short he went off with his boss from work. She was pregnant within a year and they were married a couple of years later.

He just didn't want those things with me. Sad but true.

If you want marriage, you need to have a grown up conversation with him about it. You need to know where you stand, not just wait for a proposal.

Yes, I'd say that is correct.

Hes not into you enough for you to be the mother of his children

You can love someone very much indeed and not want to marry. You can't love someone very much and not have a grown up conversation about it.

I got engaged two years after getting together with DH, married three months after being engaged. First baby born two months after wedding. Got several children now.

My advice is be direct explain what you want. If he isn't dithering, move on and meet some else.

I got married and had my first baby at 24. I was very direct about what I wanted.

After 4 years together and no sign of a proposal, I wouldn't assume he didn't want marriage / kids, I would assume he didn't want them with me. Personally, I'd be off.

*is dithering 🤦🏻

Sorry Op but I wouldn't waste more time with him. You've lived together 3 years, he either wants marriage and children or he doesn't.

Please don't be like a friend, together from school, but late 30s before they got married and by then it was too late for children. Yes plenty do have babies in their early 40s but 30% of women who start TTC at 37 will never have children.

I am often puzzled as to how somebody ends up living with somebody for three years without any talk of future plans and timelines. I wouldn’t (and didnt) even think about living with somebody without having that mapped out first.

I had been thinking maybe another year, until he was 30, would be ok at a push, had you not already been living together. But seeing as you have and he still isn’t sure, no I think he is wasting your time.

I wish I read this thread 10 years ago.
I left my marriage nearly 2 years ago now. We had some good years but mostly everything was down to me making things happen from grocery shopping, managing the household, having the higher earning job, pushing him in his career. Then if that wasn't enough I pushed him into marriage and then was deluded enough to have a child. He went along with it all, but was only ever half interested in us as a couple. It meant that when DS was born he was also still only half interested. All cracked under the lockdown. I left nearly 2 years ago with my DS so I didn't have to drag along a fully grown but immature man for the rest of my life.

Honestly if I could go back I should've left him before marriage and kids because now I'm a single parent with all the struggle that brings and I'm still bound to him because of our DS.

Me too.

I told DH that I wanted children and wouldn’t have them outside of marriage on our first date (we had been friends a year before so not like talking to a stranger).

Obviously didn’t scare him as that conversation was 18 years ago.

The biological reality is he has plenty of time, possibly 20 years. Women simply don't, yes plenty succeed in conceiving at 40+, but for everyone that does there are plenty who were not as lucky.

If you want children with a marriage commitment move on. Neither of you are wrong, you just both have very different opportunities.

I have a few friends who stayed now mid 40s and there will be no children nor marriage. And some are then left for the women 10, 15 years younger because their timelines match up.

As pps said Discussing marriage and children early on is a really important. I had this convo with my now husband during our first phone call before deciding on a 1st date. He knew when I meet the right person I want marriage, a child and raise the child out of London. That's what I have now.