to think that men could easily avoid being 'baby trapped' if they really wanted.

[JosieJewel]

By just making better choices.

BIL has just announced that he and a woman he's been seeing on and off for about a year and a half are expecting a baby. This was presented as happy news to the family but a couple of days ago he complained to DH and I about how he "fully suspects" that he's been baby trapped (believes she wasn't taking her birth control) and doesn't feel completely happy.

When I questioned why he blindly trusted that she was taking her pill he hit me with a "Would you blame the rape victim for not watching her drink closely enough or wearing a short dress?" ....to say I was taken aback by such a stupid response would be an understatement...

I told him that women could not drink on nights out, be wearing a burqa and could stick with friends all night and STILL be raped because it is ALWAYS the rapists' fault. Men can easily and effectively take control of their own birth control and never have to worry.

The only exception is when the man is raped by the woman but this is such a rare, tiny percentage of 'baby trapped' men that I think it's safe to say that the vast majority have just made the foolish choice to put their future lineage in someone elses hands.

I've made sure to tell both my boys that they are never to blindly trust that a woman they sleep with is on the pill and should always provide their own condoms. I don't think it's crazy to think that this is good advice, and that it's so shockingly easy to prevent baby trapping that at this point it's just pure stupidity on the man's part...

Long post I know but interested in hearing thoughts. Am I just an insensitive arsehole? Is their something I haven't considered?

(Probably worth saying that obviously women who do do this are scum and I don't defend those actions whatsoever but still think my point stands)

He's an idiot. Keep it in or keep it covered. Or he could've had a vasectomy.

Absolutely agree.
If they are in a casual relationship / having flings and they don't want a child, they need to always wear a condom.

Also I know my ex says I 'baby trapped' him. That's not true, it just doesn't suit his narrative.

Presumably he wasn’t forced into sex with her? It was a choice he made?

Have been trying to frame it as you wouldn't let a mate loose with your Porche without insurance so why less a lass loose on your penis? Protect it as best you can! Use a condom! Ds was amused but it made him listen!

Good on ya!
what was his response to that? I bet he still blames her for him fathering a baby.

Repulsive to compare being raped with having a baby.

I couldn't be bothered to entertain his misogyny. On so many levels.

YANBU. If he chose to have PIV sex then he accepted the risk that no contraceptive is 100% effective and pregnancy is a possibility. The only sure way to avoid it would be by keeping it in his pants. It's absolutely not comparable to being raped, he's a total moron.

I agree, he should of took responsibility if he didn't want a child. I strongly suspect its going to affect her life more than his, should she decide to keep it- so apart from some financial responsibility he has got off lightly as men seem to have the opinion to opt out.

Ignoring your BIL's disgusting comment, but I fully agree!
My DS is 17 but I have had this conversation with him multiple times, if he doesn't want a baby it's on him to use protection no matter what the girl says.

It never ceases to amaze me that male hormonal contraception but there is apparently so little demand that the trials barely progress.

So men are stuck with condoms (which they don't like), abstinence (which they don't like) or blaming the woman when nature does its baby making thing.

*male hormonal contraception exists

In a short term casual relationship I completely agree, but in a long-term committed relationship I don't think it's unreasonable to trust your partner's word that she's taking her contraception. When you're in a committed relationship contraception methods are something which should be discussed and agreed upon. If my partner suddenly started insisting on wearing a condom after several years so I couldn't "babytrap" him I'd be a) very hurt and upset that he didn't trust me and b) wondering what he thinks he's caught from someone else that he needs to wear one.

Interesting take. If a woman was "stealthed" eg a man pretends to wear a condom but sneakily takes it off before sex, I imagine everyone in this thread would be (rightly) furious, stating that the woman couldnt fully consent etc.

However it's apparently not a problem if a woman has sex while lying to her partner about being on birth control.

If you don't want to have a baby, double up. The NYT did a brilliant take on this with graphs of failure rates over time. www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

With typical use, over many years, getting pregnant gets more and more likely. I suspect people's 'typical' behaviour around contraception gets sloppier as well, knowing how people assess risk.

Many of the men who believe they were 'trapped' were trapped by statistics, not women. Their protestations about women trapping them says vastly more about them than about women.

They definitely can and should!

A few years ago I went out with a guy whose friend had been “baby trapped” by a girl from Bumble he’d had a few dates with. He didn’t use a condom because she said she was on the pill. He would rant about how she MUST have been lying and she WANTED a baby because she was older (she was like.. 35 🙄)

I argued back that if his friend really didn’t want a baby he should have used protection. Why does all woman have to bear all of responsibility and then get blamed for it?!

Anyway it didn’t go down well and he ghosted me soon after lol. Nice wee anecdote there for you all.

The problem isn't women that do it, I think everyone thinks they are awful. It's the assumption that a woman has done it, which is misogynistic. If you don't want a child, take responsibility. Then you will know if an accident happens that it was an accident.

You're conflating two different things.

And stealthing is worse. Because the consequences of becoming a father are much less serious than the consequences of becoming a mother AND risking STDs.

I'm very much of the thinking that you're each responsible for protecting yourself - unless in a relationship and there's been a conversation around how birth control is going to be used. I teach my elder 2 'cover up before you cuddle up' and try impress that it's not the woman's responsibility alone. This has worked better since me and DH had a surprise number 4 and they now live with a 7month old 🤣

I insisted on condoms (which he provided, so no tampering), used a tracking app and avoided the fertile window, yet my DCs father still acts like I baby trapped him when I decided not to have a termination.

Let’s not be naive. Baby trapping does happen. Some women do lie to men about being on contraception because they want babies. Some men are reckless and stupid in having unprotected sex with women they are not committed to.

This man has been very stupid & very naive, whether he has been lied to & trapped or not. I suspect he knows this, and his anger should be partly directed at his own stupidity.

Men who aren't mature enough to understand that no form of contraception is 100% effective and once a woman is pregnant its her body her choice, shouldn't be having sex.

No matter how casual a relationship is, if there is an agreement about contraception it's wrong to break that trust or lie. Even for a one night stand.

Accidents do happen when women forget not intentionally, get a sickness bug etc.. but to stop taking the pill on purpose without informing the other person is very morally wrong, and the reason why I don't think they should invent a male birth control pill. Can you imagine a woman getting pregnant and a man saying "oh sorry I forgot to take my pill", when he did it on purpose.

It's not quite rape but it's something.

To be clear you don't have to tell me that baby trapping is a thing or that it's bad. I am very aware that it's a real thing that some women have done and like I said in my OP I think it's scummy and deplorable. I wasn't arguing against either of these points.

My point is that unlike rape (which my bil so charmingly compared his experience to) men have the power to completely eradicate baby trapping by just making better choices. Apart from the tiny, miniscule percentage who are baby trapped by rape the other 99% could prevent baby trapping entirely with better decisions.

Women don't have this power when it comes to rape. Checking our drinks and covering up does a negligible amount to prevent SA. It's up to men to prevent rape by just not fucking raping us.

Yep, strong misogynist vibes here. This "baby trapping" has become a trope in men's rights activism - if he's hanging out on Reddit, for example, it's all over the place there with volunteers happy to connect the dots to show how EVERY unwanted pregnancy is women's fault.

However - the conception has already happened, and it sounds like a baby will result. Legally, he's 50% responsible regardless of what he might have done differently. If he's planning to have a relationship with the child ever, or cares at all, he might want to reign in the narrative.

As far as the rape false equivalency, it's a no brainer: pregnancy = two people 50% responsible, rape = rapist(s) 100% responsible.

This "baby trapping" has become a trope in men's rights activism

And there are so many things wrong with it. Essentially it's saying that men shouldn't have to take any responsibility but they should be able to blame women regardless if the women did anything bd at all.

Think about how little you hear women on here, a site of millions of women, anonymous, saying it's happened or that it's OK. And when the odd woman suggests it or says they're contemplating it, there's a massive slew of women condemning it. Not just for the men involved, for the children as well.

I'm willing to bet there are more men advocating for rape on Reddit than baby-trapping on here. It's presented as a massive issue for men when in reality it's probably rare, completely preventable, and also widely condemned by women. Contraception failure on the other hand, really really common.