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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that men could easily avoid being 'baby trapped' if they really wanted.

80 replies

JosieJewel · 06/08/2023 18:38

By just making better choices.

BIL has just announced that he and a woman he's been seeing on and off for about a year and a half are expecting a baby. This was presented as happy news to the family but a couple of days ago he complained to DH and I about how he "fully suspects" that he's been baby trapped (believes she wasn't taking her birth control) and doesn't feel completely happy.

When I questioned why he blindly trusted that she was taking her pill he hit me with a "Would you blame the rape victim for not watching her drink closely enough or wearing a short dress?" ....to say I was taken aback by such a stupid response would be an understatement...

I told him that women could not drink on nights out, be wearing a burqa and could stick with friends all night and STILL be raped because it is ALWAYS the rapists' fault. Men can easily and effectively take control of their own birth control and never have to worry.

The only exception is when the man is raped by the woman but this is such a rare, tiny percentage of 'baby trapped' men that I think it's safe to say that the vast majority have just made the foolish choice to put their future lineage in someone elses hands.

I've made sure to tell both my boys that they are never to blindly trust that a woman they sleep with is on the pill and should always provide their own condoms. I don't think it's crazy to think that this is good advice, and that it's so shockingly easy to prevent baby trapping that at this point it's just pure stupidity on the man's part...

Long post I know but interested in hearing thoughts. Am I just an insensitive arsehole? Is their something I haven't considered?

(Probably worth saying that obviously women who do do this are scum and I don't defend those actions whatsoever but still think my point stands)

OP posts:
Robinbuildsbears · 06/08/2023 19:28

PetitPorpoise · 06/08/2023 18:47

It never ceases to amaze me that male hormonal contraception but there is apparently so little demand that the trials barely progress.

So men are stuck with condoms (which they don't like), abstinence (which they don't like) or blaming the woman when nature does its baby making thing.

Apparently one of the main reasons there's so little demand is that women wouldn't trust that men are actually taking it.

FrippEnos · 06/08/2023 19:30

PetitPorpoise · 06/08/2023 18:47

It never ceases to amaze me that male hormonal contraception but there is apparently so little demand that the trials barely progress.

So men are stuck with condoms (which they don't like), abstinence (which they don't like) or blaming the woman when nature does its baby making thing.

I would like to know your source for this.
All the men that I know would love for their to be a male hormonal contraceptive.

The people that I know that are against it are women that don't want to lose control of their reproductive rights.

fullbloom87 · 06/08/2023 19:34

Of course they can. The pill only works a percentage of the time. If they really don't want a baby then they can abstain, wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
I'm looking forward to when the male pill actually becomes a thing and annoyed that they haven't made it so yet due to 'side effects' which are exactly like the what us women have gone through for decades.

Yetanothernewname101 · 06/08/2023 19:40

Yes they can be proactive with their own contraception and not rely on the woman, especially given that things like tummy bugs can mess up the pill etc. Condoms can and do go wrong and split, but it's for both parties to be responsible if they don't want to procreate.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2023 19:41

Have a little look at this. Typical use of almost any contraception after a few years is basically hoping.

But some men are choosing to think women are less trustworthy than they are because it fits their narrative. If they used condoms as well as their partner using the pill, tracked fertile periods etc., put a modicum of effort in, they could be sure. They'd rather not and blame women.

to think that men could easily avoid being 'baby trapped' if they really wanted.
Marwoodsbigbreak · 06/08/2023 19:47

Even condoms aren’t 100%.

I tell my DC not to have sex with anyone they wouldn’t want to co parent with. They probably ignore me but hopefully it makes them think a bit 😂

Binfire · 06/08/2023 19:48

I listened to a really interesting podcast recently where Gabrielle Blair was interviewed about her book ‘ejaculate responsibly’. She focuses mainly on abortion (in the US I think) and states that men are responsible for all unwanted pregnancies as their fertility is so much more predictable and consistent than women’s. She states that men ejaculating irresponsibly cause all unwanted pregnancies by depositing sperm into a sexual partners vagina whilst they’re not actively trying to conceive, and so abortion and unwanted pregnancy are a male issue rather than the women’s issue they’re currently treated as.
It’s interesting take and she has a point!

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/08/2023 19:58

Yanbu

There is no such thing as baby trapping. There is only either stupidity and not talking responsibility or there is contraceptive failure.

Anyone equating this to rape is disgusting.

MissTrip82 · 06/08/2023 19:59

He already sounded like a standard misogynist with the baby-trapping nonsense, the rape comment just sealed the deal.

DinnaeFashYersel · 06/08/2023 20:01

What a dick for comparing himself to a rape victim.

Which is evidence of his completely stupid he his.

DanceWithTheBigBoysAgain · 06/08/2023 20:04

Allelbowsandtoes · 06/08/2023 18:54

Interesting take. If a woman was "stealthed" eg a man pretends to wear a condom but sneakily takes it off before sex, I imagine everyone in this thread would be (rightly) furious, stating that the woman couldnt fully consent etc.

However it's apparently not a problem if a woman has sex while lying to her partner about being on birth control.

Who on this thread has said "yes it's fine and completely forgivable for women to lie to their sexual partners about being on the pill"? Did I miss a post?

Tangledbaby · 06/08/2023 20:06

How is baby trapping even a thing?

If a man is going to leave you he’s going to leave you, regardless of if you’re pregnant or not. So you’ll just end up a single mum like a vast amount of women. The only thing you might get if you’re lucky is child support and every other weekend ‘off’. Worst case you’ll never see them again.

I don’t think any woman with any kind of intelligence honestly believes a baby will ‘trap’ a man. Not when single motherhood is so prevalent. It’s not like like 1950s with shot gun weddings.

DanceWithTheBigBoysAgain · 06/08/2023 20:08

JosieJewel · 06/08/2023 19:17

To be clear you don't have to tell me that baby trapping is a thing or that it's bad. I am very aware that it's a real thing that some women have done and like I said in my OP I think it's scummy and deplorable. I wasn't arguing against either of these points.

My point is that unlike rape (which my bil so charmingly compared his experience to) men have the power to completely eradicate baby trapping by just making better choices. Apart from the tiny, miniscule percentage who are baby trapped by rape the other 99% could prevent baby trapping entirely with better decisions.

Women don't have this power when it comes to rape. Checking our drinks and covering up does a negligible amount to prevent SA. It's up to men to prevent rape by just not fucking raping us.

To be fair, condoms still fail. A man who "takes responsibility" by using condoms doesn't 100% guarantee that he won't face unwanted fatherhood. Only abstaining from PIV sex will do that.

RationalHuman · 06/08/2023 20:09

This reply has been deleted

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GoodChat · 06/08/2023 20:10

Apparently one of the main reasons there's so little demand is that women wouldn't trust that men are actually taking it.

But men clearly don't always trust women taking it, but still the burden falls to us.

If the contraceptive pill was available to both men and woman, and both took responsibility for themselves, unwanted pregnancy risks would reduce massively.

GoodChat · 06/08/2023 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your username is ironic, I assume?

Original poster
JosieJewel · 06/08/2023 20:12

@RationalHuman change usernames dude 😂

OP posts:
MsCactus · 06/08/2023 20:18

Allelbowsandtoes · 06/08/2023 18:54

Interesting take. If a woman was "stealthed" eg a man pretends to wear a condom but sneakily takes it off before sex, I imagine everyone in this thread would be (rightly) furious, stating that the woman couldnt fully consent etc.

However it's apparently not a problem if a woman has sex while lying to her partner about being on birth control.

Giving someone an STD can be "grievous bodily harm" and illegal, so stealthing is definitely rape, and worse than what the OP describes.

Pregnancy isn't the same - pregnancy is always a possibility with sex, even with contraception. Both parties have to accept it's a possibility if they're having sex

museumum · 06/08/2023 20:18

In a year and a half long relationship a couple should be able to trust each other. If a male friend of mine said he didn’t believe his girlfriend of a year and a half was telling the truth about contraception I’d tell him they should split up.
”doubling up” is a sensible precaution but it should be done in discussion and as an agreement between both to avoid accidents, not cause he doesn’t trust or believe her!!

MsCactus · 06/08/2023 20:19

OP - I completely agree with you. Men should take responsibility for their own fertility

You see it with male celebrities - some have loads of children from one night stands, others sleep with loads of women yet have none. The latter are clearly making sure they use condoms

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 06/08/2023 20:23

They could; but then a man would have to say the words "My girlfriend's pregnant because I wasn't careful enough with contraception", which may well reverse the Big Bang and cause the entire universe to implode into a big black void of nothingness.

Menopausehaver · 06/08/2023 20:27

Yep, I’ve told my son that contraception is up to him and a natural consequence of sex is pregnancy. If he doesn’t want to risk being a father then don’t have sex. And to quote a previous mumsnetter don’t have sex with someone you wouldn’t want to be the parent of your child. I

DanceWithTheBigBoysAgain · 06/08/2023 20:28

PetitPorpoise · 06/08/2023 18:47

It never ceases to amaze me that male hormonal contraception but there is apparently so little demand that the trials barely progress.

So men are stuck with condoms (which they don't like), abstinence (which they don't like) or blaming the woman when nature does its baby making thing.

A lot of the problem is that male pills have side effects, like female pills, but men don't have the huge medical upside of avoiding unwanted pregnancy.

If you're a doctor looking at the risks and benefits of prescribing hormonal contraceptives to a woman then it's justifiable, because unwanted pregnancy is so risky. From a medical POV if you're prescribing to a man there isn't the same upside to offset the risks.

Sandra1984 · 06/08/2023 20:36

JosieJewel · 06/08/2023 19:17

To be clear you don't have to tell me that baby trapping is a thing or that it's bad. I am very aware that it's a real thing that some women have done and like I said in my OP I think it's scummy and deplorable. I wasn't arguing against either of these points.

My point is that unlike rape (which my bil so charmingly compared his experience to) men have the power to completely eradicate baby trapping by just making better choices. Apart from the tiny, miniscule percentage who are baby trapped by rape the other 99% could prevent baby trapping entirely with better decisions.

Women don't have this power when it comes to rape. Checking our drinks and covering up does a negligible amount to prevent SA. It's up to men to prevent rape by just not fucking raping us.

Your BIL sounds immature and irresponsable , first for not using his own contraception in an off and on relationship, second for bringing a poor unwanted kid into this world and third for not taking any blame on this and making a stupid comparison. Sharpest tool in the shed he’s not.

LakeTiticaca · 06/08/2023 20:36

Condoms
Vasectomy
Abstinence.
Ways to stop becoming a father.
My ex also accused me of babytrapping him. 3 times.
Knowing what I know now I wouldn't have touched him with a 10 foot bargepole and found somebody who actually wished for fatherhood