Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

This is really wrong. No matter what is going on between them, they're treating you appallingly. Think about it this way: if this was a friendship group of three friends, and two of them went off to watch the sunset, and hung out in a bedroom together, and frequently arranged walks and meet ups without you, and all the other examples you've mentioned, how would you feel? Shit? Left out? Like the least valued member of the group? And we'd all be telling you that you deserved better.

Well this is the same situation, but worse, because one of them is your life partner, and the other is your supposed best friend! They're treating you so, so poorly and I think you're something of the boiled frog. If you were suddenly plopped into this scenario, you'd be appalled at being disregarded so thoroughly, but sadly you are used to it now. And of course, you don't want to be a person who prevents their spouse from having meaningful friendships with the opposite sex - totally understand that. But that's really not the crux of the issue here. Affair or not, I'm disgusted at their treatment of you, someone who is meant to be so, so important and loved to them.

I agree with every word of this. You wouldn't tolerate it from a friend group,

I think op should examine the relationship regarding her friend's husband.

Maybe this man has been vilified over many years by this threesome and the children. Looks like the friend has presented herself as the victim in a defective marriage but her behaviour by inserting herself in your marriage op would have me questioning whether she was in fact blame free in the state of her own marriage.

She sounds an entitled woman with a deminishing concience.

As with a lot of these type of topics, I like the Maya Angelou quote"when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

I'd be amazed if they weren't having an affair given what you've said.

I think this is the first thread I've ever seen with pretty much unanimous responses.

OP I hope you are ok.

Saying that - I might pretend to be anyone's best friend if it got me (and my kid) an all expenses paid holiday to Santorini. She's got it made this woman hasn't she.

I’m sorry, genuinely because it’s clear how much you like your “friend”, but she KNOWS this is shitty. She KNOWS. And is doing it anyway. Why? Because it’s beneficial to her, flattering and enjoyable. And one day it’s going to become more than whatever shitshow this is. Wake up (in the nicest way) OP!

Hope you are OK op - if I was you I would seriously distance myself, emotionally, from the pair of them. I would tell DH very seriously that I am not happy about what was witnessed on the holiday and how he is continuing this behaviour with friend. I would tell friend the same. The same would be communicated with surrounding family, ILs, everyone - so that if they decide to carry on with this rubbish then everyone knows what is going on.

Excellent advice

Nearly happened to me with my 'best friend'. She and DH had always got on but something somehow changed. I can so clearly remember sitting in my kitchen and not being allowed to be part of their conversation. It was subtle and insidious. Nearly ended my marriage but I manipulated her out of our lives when I saw the light.
The problem is that when you trust your bestie and your DH you really don't see the warning signs. It sort of creeps up on you.
Your DH will deny everything if you confront him etc. but one of you has to get out of this crowded threesome.

I was wondering this too

There is an article by experts writing for 'Psychology today' stating 83% of couples in a serious relationship consider their partner to be their 'best friend' & the percentage is even higher if married. Makes sense to me.

Makes sense to me, too @Silverseas1 . Of course your spouse is going to be your best companion, emotionally and socially as well.
Other people can be good friends, but it's not at the same level, imo.

That’s the worse part of the story for me, I mean… you give her a free romantic holiday for her and the kid, care for said kid, and not complain when she fucks your husband or take long walks in sunset.

I want to be your friend too, by the way my house is dirty, you wanna come for tea? Please bring a broom and some cleaning supplies. Thanks.

Op, I think you have allowed this to escalate as you are so scared off losing them both. You have subconsciously facilitated them as you know deep down that they would choose eachother over you. And that must bloody hurt.

I think you know really and it's why you created this thread. I'd like to know how your friend reacted when you mentioned it to her? Your DH reaction is just typical of someone cheating. Your friend probably has more self awareness which is why she keeps you close as it's much easier for her to fool you.

Please see this for what it is and in the meantime find some distracting hobby where you meet new people. You may also find a male best friend who is single.

Thank you.

@Silverseas1 & @Maireas it might sound cringy to some but DH is the person I tell everything too. I love seeing my friends but he is the person who knows me the best.

I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it

OP this really is awful, don't let them treat you like this anymore.

Maybe some of this would be acceptable (a big maybe), if you were getting equal or more attention from them both, but it doesn't sound like you are?

How many sunsets did you enjoy with your DH on this holiday? Did you and your BF get away for drinks together one evening? Did either make ANY attempt to spend time one on one with you?

What kind of childhood did you have and marriage did your parents have OP… for you to think for one nanosecond this was acceptable

@tt9 This is how it should be unfortunately many times it’s not when the the best friends from different committed relationships break boundaries and are on the verge of emotional affairs where the amount of emotional energy spent is not in the actual committed relationships but rather the so-called platonic ones. OP has been disrespected over and over again by her husband and it saddens me that even someone who she perceives to be her best friend is also part of that behaviour. I’m not sure what it says about the friend but it’s clearly obvious that her friend knows her feelings on the whole matter and is still continuing with disregard to her feelings and in doing so, I feel like both are equally are at fault and have been completely callous in how they’ve treated OP on this holiday - the husband and the best friend.

If he was being lovely to you as well as behaving this way with friend, then I'd say you were in a sister-wives situation. As he is being nasty to you and behaving like this then there is no marriage, he is not your husband, she is not your friend: get rid of him.

I wondered the same.

I had a ‘best friend’, she tried to manipulate time alone with my DH. Luckily, I don’t trust anyone 100% so it only happened on one Occassion when dcs were there. I could see how you could slip into some false sense of it all being innocent. My dh also didnt look at her twice.She wasn’t just manipulative in that way and we were both taken for a ride by her. We also went on holiday, but drew the line at paying for her and her dcs.

OP, ATEOTD it doesn't matter if it hasn't already escalated to a full-scale affair (it will!). They're both treating you abominably.

Your DH, especially. Do you really want to be married to someone who thinks it's ok to treat you like you're a second-class person? Someone who treats you as less than, shuts you out, carries on an (at least emotional) affair right in front of you and then denies and gaslights you about it?

This man is abusive as fuck! Get out! Leave them both behind. Kick him out or take your DS and leave. You don't need a reason to leave a marriage (although this is one hell of a reason). Your husband thinks you're a mug, and he's treating you like one.

What am I reading?!?! Ermmmm …… OP come on now!!