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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

1000 replies

OfMyDog · 06/08/2023 14:10

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

OP posts:
Farahpascalmoges · 07/08/2023 13:34

anotherside · 07/08/2023 12:33

As an aside, I don’t think having a mutual “best friend”, especially of the same age, is ever going to work, as they’re basically sitting in the middle and getting to absorb titbits and details about your relationship and emotional state.

To argue things even further, I’ve heard a male friend state that they’ve never had a female friend that they didn’t actually - deep down if they were being totally honest - wanted to sleep with (even if just a one night stand). And I think that’s pretty much the case. Men and women can of course be friendly and enjoy each other’s company, but I think proper friendships simply don’t work very well. There’s always something else going on mentally, for one side at least. It’s just biology/human nature. Billions of years of evolution have not designed men and women to be “good friends”.

This is the hard truth. ^^

RaidFlySpray · 07/08/2023 13:36

I've been through something very similar OP. It's fucking horrible. I found messages between them in the end after being gaslighted so many times, and made to feel like a jealous, insecure harridan for bringing it up at all. I also thought that it would never be more than an emotional affair (mainly because I believed that my best mate just wouldn't fancy DP) but they were shagging.

I am still absolutely gutted that my friend would do that to me. Her betrayal hurt so much more than his, although they're both equally to blame. Friends are for life, or so I thought...

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 07/08/2023 13:38

TheaBrandt · 07/08/2023 12:41

I internally slightly cringe when an adult uses the term “best friend”. Fine when you are 6 but slightly mortifying for adults.

Most people don’t say it out loud though do they.
Or very rarely.

Perhaps someone might ask someone to be their maid of honour because they’re their best friend but most people wouldn’t be like I’m inviting you to my party because you’re my best friend.

I assume OP used that phrase just to give more of a background to their friendship.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/08/2023 13:42

It sounds like your friend’s marriage is functionally over but with the comfy situation she has with you guys, they have no impetus to go to the bother of ending things.

Yes this.

millymog11 · 07/08/2023 13:45

Whatever is or is not happening between your husband and this woman, this it is the real heart of the problem. Your husband has no respect for your marriage or you:

"When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly."

Charlize43 · 07/08/2023 13:52

Should have gone to Specsavers!

Sounds to me like they are having an affair right in front of you but you just aren't seeing it!

Is her husband attractive? Perhaps you could ask him out for a walk... and wait to see how your husband and your friend both react?

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 13:55

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 12:57

To be honest the best friend thing sounds really childish. I honestly think my DH is my best friend. I've got tons of close friends but I don't need to have a best friend other than my DH. I don't know if I got lucky. My DH hasn't got a best friend either just lots of friends. @AppleTurnover1000Degrees
I find the whole "My DH is my best friend" very childish to be honest. Your partner's your partner, your friends are you friends. Obviously you're closer to your husband which is why your married, the whole 'best' thing is eye rollingly cringy. I have friends from 30+ years, I don't categorise their importance to me by who I'm in a relationship with or not.

OP, please open your eyes. There's at the very least an emotional affair going on here. I'm very chilled out with DH but I still wouldn't like him going for sunset walks with another woman whilst I acted as babysitter. Why couldn't you all go and take the kids, or DH babysit and you go with friend. It feels to me like you're the spare part in this strange relationship. And yes, I think your DH sounds mostly to blame here but your female friend isn't helping.

Never thought about it but yeah it’s a bit of a funny one when people say their husband , (or mum, sister etc) is their best friend 😅 obviously you should be closer to your husband than your friends and there is friendship involved but friends are a separate category altogether.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 13:58

obviously you should be closer to your husband than your friends and there is friendship involved but friends are a separate category altogether.
@Oatycookies
This! Glad understood what I meant.

MrReflection · 07/08/2023 13:59

millymog11 · 07/08/2023 13:45

Whatever is or is not happening between your husband and this woman, this it is the real heart of the problem. Your husband has no respect for your marriage or you:

"When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly."

Absolutely classic behaviour of a guilty liar.

Turn it all back on you.

My OH came out with an absolute classic at the weekend when we were talking about her being truthful of what's really been going on in our marriage. "I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't". I can't actually think of a more insincere way of saying - "yes I have done something, but I'm not telling you".

There are some serious self centred people on our planet. It's just a shame when seemingly nice people get tangled up in the games, lies and disrespect that they peddle.

Flutterbye22 · 07/08/2023 14:00

ProudThrilledHappy · 06/08/2023 14:22

There are three people in your marriage

my thoughts exactly.

not appropriate behaviour from a best friend or a husband in my books!!! Complete lack of boundaries.

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 14:01

anotherside · 07/08/2023 12:33

As an aside, I don’t think having a mutual “best friend”, especially of the same age, is ever going to work, as they’re basically sitting in the middle and getting to absorb titbits and details about your relationship and emotional state.

To argue things even further, I’ve heard a male friend state that they’ve never had a female friend that they didn’t actually - deep down if they were being totally honest - wanted to sleep with (even if just a one night stand). And I think that’s pretty much the case. Men and women can of course be friendly and enjoy each other’s company, but I think proper friendships simply don’t work very well. There’s always something else going on mentally, for one side at least. It’s just biology/human nature. Billions of years of evolution have not designed men and women to be “good friends”.

One man can’t speak for everyone. I doubt any of my male best friends I’ve known for 10 years plus want to sleep with me. They’ve never tried it on with me and at any rate I wouldn’t want to delve into their brains 😂.
I mean let’s face it some men look at their wife’s friends and want to sleep with them…or their neighbours…or random strangers in the street…you can’t control what men think about tbh.

As long as people aren’t clambering into bed together or sharing overly intimate secrets, putting themselves in comprimising situations and would never act on it etc it is what it is.

These blankets statements get nowhere anyway…it’s quite simple For people who don’t feel comfortable with having opposite sex close friends DONT HAVE THEM in your relationship! For those who do, CRACK ON 😂 it doesn’t work for everyone but it works for some.

Stoptheworldpls · 07/08/2023 14:01

Grab your big girl pants, and get the f out of there.

girlfriend44 · 07/08/2023 14:02

why on earth are you inviting her on holiday. Let her go away on her own with her son or with another friend, not your problem.

lovescats3 · 07/08/2023 14:07

Wake up they're having an affair

BrawnWild · 07/08/2023 14:10

She likes the attention and free childcare and he fancies her.

I think that sums it up.

If you arent ending your marriage then at the very least take control of where you sit, take her attention, reduce the childcare and push him out.

Alternatively, spend less and less time with her so it pushes forward that they are "best friends" and makes it impossible to pretend you all happy families and taking holidays together.

Potentially try and include her husband to each event or invite yourselves over to hers more often.

aintnothinbutagstring · 07/08/2023 14:11

Feel sorry for the woman's son - mum's inserted herself as a lemon in someone else's marriage and taking him along as an accessory - poor dad is not invited on holiday with them all. All those precious family holiday moments you should have with mum and dad and instead you're stuck as a gooseberry with some other family.

BrawnWild · 07/08/2023 14:13

BrawnWild · 07/08/2023 14:10

She likes the attention and free childcare and he fancies her.

I think that sums it up.

If you arent ending your marriage then at the very least take control of where you sit, take her attention, reduce the childcare and push him out.

Alternatively, spend less and less time with her so it pushes forward that they are "best friends" and makes it impossible to pretend you all happy families and taking holidays together.

Potentially try and include her husband to each event or invite yourselves over to hers more often.

I'd also make things awkward for her at home. Drop DSs off at hers and casually mention she and your husband are out together. Drop something off when they are alone. Subtle as a brick. Make it a "them" and you so they cant gaslight you with dates in plain sight.

GnomeDePlume · 07/08/2023 14:15

If it isn't a physical affair yet it is well on the way to becoming one. They will justify it to themselves as being 'soulmates', star crossed lovers kept apart by cruel fate. In the end their passion couldn't be denied.

Or some similar bilgewater.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 07/08/2023 14:31

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 13:55

Never thought about it but yeah it’s a bit of a funny one when people say their husband , (or mum, sister etc) is their best friend 😅 obviously you should be closer to your husband than your friends and there is friendship involved but friends are a separate category altogether.

Show quote history

I haven't got a best friend then. I love all my close friends equally.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 07/08/2023 14:34

@Oatycookies Sisters can be best friends.

Libelula21 · 07/08/2023 14:37

I’m suddenly thinking of Princess Di in the early days of her engagement / marriage.

Libelula21 · 07/08/2023 14:38

aintnothinbutagstring · 07/08/2023 14:11

Feel sorry for the woman's son - mum's inserted herself as a lemon in someone else's marriage and taking him along as an accessory - poor dad is not invited on holiday with them all. All those precious family holiday moments you should have with mum and dad and instead you're stuck as a gooseberry with some other family.

Agree with this. Confusing for both children.

MrReflection · 07/08/2023 14:40

Libelula21 · 07/08/2023 14:37

I’m suddenly thinking of Princess Di in the early days of her engagement / marriage.

The really sad thing about that is there were far more than just 3 people in that marriage.

Truly awful how she was disrespected and OP's situation is no different in that regard.

RandomForest · 07/08/2023 14:44

Whatever is happening, it appears their friendship is ramping up and op is beggining to feel excluded.

It still maybe entirely platonic but even so for them to be so comfortable to exclude her is very cruel in this friendly menage et trois.

Libelula21 · 07/08/2023 14:51

I wonder how the DP would react if he were shown this thread, with 28 pages of responses virtually 100% backing up the OP.

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