Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

I had to look up sister wife 🤦‍♀️ so it's basically people who agree to a polygamous relationship where they are happy & content to share each other emotionally & physically. Personally I'd have to say as if 🤦‍♀️

My best friend is married, and I'm also good friends with her husband - I call him my best friend once removed. We've spent time alone together when he's helped me out with things around my house or with my computer. But it's always been with that purpose, never just "hanging out." Neither of us would cross a line, but also neither of us would want there to be any suggestion that we had crossed a line. I love both of them and respect their relationship. Your friend and your husband don't respect you or your relationship.

Oh babe. This is really crappy. And they are crappy people. I would confront them together. If there’s something to hide one of them will break. If there’s nothing to hide they will certainly alter their behaviour for the better. But I’m afraid this isn’t going to be a happy outcome. So sorry you’re going through this x

Wtf? If it’s not a sexual affair it’s def an emotional one. She’s checked out of her marriage and your dh is checking out of his. He’s spending quality time w her when he should be with you.
I’m trying to imagine dh doing that w my best friend who is single (and also friends w dh) - it’s a no. Wouldn’t happen or be tolerated by me from either party.

725 replies in 24 hours 😳

There’s too much said to be able to answer individually, but the decision to take her on holiday just came up in conversation - maybe he’d planted that seed a little. It was joint though.

Re the friend - she and I do lots together socially without him, and she’s never given me bad vibes or wanting him. It’s just that they spend so much time together just as 2. I have quite a few other friends but I used the term ‘best friend’ to mean she’s the person I’m closest to by a long way, she’s not just another mum from school or yoga etc.

Her husband is checked out and just does his own thing. I don’t know him well but I doubt he has much of an opinion or view.

Her son def isn’t my husband’s, that was before they even knew each other and different geography, that’s a def no. It’s a cunning thought tho, I’d have probably wondered this too.

A big theme is that she’s a bad friend. Maybe. Depends what the outcome is and what I discover down the line. I agree on boundaries missing. I really hope that it’s just him and not her. I’ll post back in the future if it all comes out in the wash, I’ll be the one with the massive sports direct mug.

Thanks for those who shared their own experiences and who asked if I’m ok. It’s all a bit overwhelming but yes, I am. A lot to think about.

Oh, also no on the neurodiverse - or not to the best of my knowledge. Think I just married a prick!

No way is she your friend. They are shagging and taking you for a fool. Get rid of both of them.

@OfMyDog but what about YOUR boundaries?
how have you got to a place in your adult life where you’re willing to be openly humiliated like this?
what has led you to valuing yourself so little?
pricks will come and go but these ^ are the questions you need to ask yourself!

Ugh. Feel for you OP. You're in a 'boiling the frog' situation until you don't know which way is up. Any of this sound familiar:

"We're friends/colleagues - [or in OP's case] she's your best friend, for god's sake - what's your problem?"
"So you'd rather I didn't have any women friends?"
"It'll look weird if I don't invite X to our party / dinner party / holiday"

To rub salt into the wound I bet they don't even have the balls to have an affair, for the time being anyway. It's just this mimsy 'Oh, we get each other in a special way', so they don't have to feel guilty but can enjoy a great game of 'If only...' right in front of everyone's eyes.

This is really sad. Your husband and friend are wickedly using the trust all relationships are based on, against you. I'm sure you'll wake up one day and think, what planet was I on?! Right now it's draining you of energy and love that should be going into your kids and your own life. You can't carry on living like this. Sending love.

This can't be real

OP, why do you love this woman so? What do you get from this “friendship” that makes you put up with her crap?

@OfMyDog SO you're just gonna leave it & see 'what comes out in the wash later down the line'??

They're emotionally hurting you NOW. All the time. A lot.

Clearly a big issue with your husband's attitude towards you & treatment of you but this so called friend is NOT blameless - why are you so willing to claim she's innocent & not confront her? Any friend worth their salt would not let the boundaries become this blurred & repeatedly put you in this awful position. She must see/know how it looks & what it's doing to you.

Wow OP I didn't expect you back. Thank you for updating.

I really really hope you take a good long look at the situation.

You seem more devoted to her than him. They are BOTH playing a part in putting you last in this triangle.

Good Luck x

I only have one thing to say - trust your instincts

A big theme is that she’s a bad friend. Maybe.

Erm, OP - she’s a bad friend. No maybe about it.

A big theme is that she's a bad friend. Maybe

Come on OP, you need to wake up. I won't say I am losing sympathy with you, but losing patience with you, well maybe. She is an atrocious friend, she is sleeping with your husband under your nose. You seem to have more disdain for her husband than you do for her or your own husband, whereas he is just the wronged party like you are.

I wish OP the strength to stand up to this situation as much as the next person, but think poster have to remember it’s been 24hrs, OP has a life to be getting on with and as someone hurting you don’t gain the fortitude to dismantle your marriage in a day.

Good luck to you, OP.

I would never do that to my friend or my spouse. Even if they haven't physically cheated, they have definitely passed into emotional cheating. Also, he has thought about sleeping with her, many times. Seriously thought about it. Fantasies. That is the only thing that would make him treat you like that and focus all his attention on her. Right now, you are the thing he already has, so treats you as such. You are the extra TV and she is the shiny, new 55 inch.
And he is gaslighting you.
He needs therapy. He needs someone else to tell him that this is not how you treat the person you say you love and have agreed to spend your time and life with.
I am all for friends of the opposite sex, but no way should he be leaving you with the kids for hours while he hangs out with her. They don't even have the excuse of not seeing each other in forever to fall back on.
Also, she is his friend.
and the gaslighting and trying to make you seem unreasonable is a major sign.
oh, and she is a giant garbage person also. Presumably she is lonely and too dysfunctional/wimpy to go out and find her own man. Even if she has never touched him, she is definitely using him as a pseudo-husband.

This is definitely it. It’s been an issue for a year or more, it’s come to a head since holidays but it’s not a situation that I’m going to resolve overnight x

You sound level-headed OP so good luck to you taking this situation by the scruff of the neck and putting yourself back in the centre.

A big theme is that she’s a bad friend. Maybe. Depends what the outcome is and what I discover down the line.

There is no maybe about it.

Even if they are not having an affair she is still no friend to you.

You have told her how you feel and she continues to act in a way that's hurtful to you.

You honestly sound in thrall to this woman.

Be objective. Both of them are behaving very, very badly.

Your family know this, your colleagues know this and pretty much every poster has told you this.

Yet you continue to minimise her part here.

Yes your DH is being a prick but she's enabling it.

She didn't have to invite him into her room or watch the sunset with him (at your expense).

She can't have missed you being cut out of conversations and ignored.

She doesn't have to spend every possible opportunity going for walks with him.

*The truth is both of them prioritise their relationship with each other over their relationship with you.
*
You're the sacrificial lamb and you keep letting them both bleed you dry.

She's not your best friend. She's cruel.

You indeed married a prick - the first part of dealing with such pain is dealing with acceptance.

I would suggest she comes a very close second to him. Nobody is that blind to their actions.

The ball is very firmly in your court now - never forget that - you have been shamed and disrespected so you are now in control to set the boundaries.

And don't for one moment feel ashamed.

I'm going through s**t at the moment and I've passed the point of being even remotely ashamed. It's not the cheated person's fault. It is entirely the cheating person who chose that course of action.

Good luck @OfMyDog

It's a lot to realise - and you risk losing a husband and a best friend. That's a lot to lose.

If it is still "only" an emotional affair, does your husband realise he's on the brink of losing you? Sometimes men just don't see it (either don't want to, or they're emotionally dense).

Sounds like 2 cheaters taking you for a fool. Sorry you have to go through this hugs

Well I would be emailing her and telling her exactly why she is blocked and to never contact you again.

Then I would move onto separating with your husband.

Your update indicates you are so deeply entrenched in this sick dynamic, that you won't consider that this woman is very much an enemy to you.

Good luck OP.

Absolutely mugging you off!
This needs to be addressed asap!