Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

As an aside, I don’t think having a mutual “best friend”, especially of the same age, is ever going to work, as they’re basically sitting in the middle and getting to absorb titbits and details about your relationship and emotional state.

To argue things even further, I’ve heard a male friend state that they’ve never had a female friend that they didn’t actually - deep down if they were being totally honest - wanted to sleep with (even if just a one night stand). And I think that’s pretty much the case. Men and women can of course be friendly and enjoy each other’s company, but I think proper friendships simply don’t work very well. There’s always something else going on mentally, for one side at least. It’s just biology/human nature. Billions of years of evolution have not designed men and women to be “good friends”.

To be honest the best friend thing sounds really childish. I honestly think my DH is my best friend. I've got tons of close friends but I don't need to have a best friend other than my DH. I don't know if I got lucky. My DH hasn't got a best friend either just lots of friends
I'd agree too. I've got some great friends, and some male friends I have confided in over the years, but I'd not say I have a best friend. I have my husband, who I love and I want to do life with.

Is there any chance her son is also his?
This crossed my mind too.
I don't understand why anyone would need to have an odd 'co-parenting' relationship between a married couple and one half of another married couple.

Sorry @anotherside I don't agree.

And this doesn't take into consideration gay people and their friendships with people of the same sex.

But it's sort of irrelevant to the OP anyway.

Her problems are so clearly laid out in front of her.

It's ok to have different views. Again just personally speaking I wouldn't dream of inviting another womans husband out for a one to one liason 🤦‍♀️ and I definitely wouldn't accept my husband doing the same with another woman.
In a group situation or a work situation where it involves a works meeting, thats totally different, at least in my eyes.

I internally slightly cringe when an adult uses the term “best friend”. Fine when you are 6 but slightly mortifying for adults.

I agree with this. I think it's turned problematic for the OP.

They’re both treating you like a fool and should be ashamed of themselves . I’m so sorry OP.

I've a female friend with a very close male best friend who I also know a bit (as they do a sport together which I dabbled in) and thought nothing of it for years til she told me when they were in their 20s he tried it on a few times, was rebuffed by her as she just didn't find him physically attractive although he's lovely etc and they agreed to just be friends. It's made me more suspicious about platonic friendships to be honest. As others have said, it's all a bit claustrophobic and there's some boundaries being overstepped whether innocently or not.

I agree with this. I think it's turned problematic for the OP
Agree and the more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if the people who use the phrase 'best friend' to describe a friendship that crosses boundaries are often those who want to minimise a relationship that has crossed a line.

Eg. So what if I regularly go out for more dinner dates with Dave than you. He's my best friend.
Eg. I've got nothing to hide but am on my phone all the time. Sarah's just having a rough time with her husband and I'm offering a male perspective and support. She's my best friend so I'm obviously going to be there for her.

I meant to add, my DH and I do have a long standing & close mutual female friend who we meet a few times a year together. There is no way there would be any sort of communication between her and DH without me being included. As far as meeting up on a 1 to 1 basis without me, she wouldn't contemplate it & neither would DH.

They worked together "years ago" and spend all their free time together now.
Dear OP, do not put up with this any longer. Do not wait for something else to happen. You need to get out and divorce him.

In a way, this Greek holiday has opened your eyes enough so that they can't be closed again.
Do waste your breath or your time reasoning with these two. Find a solicitor and get free of it xx

sorry...DO NOT waste your breath

OP don’t let him tell you this is a ‘you’ problem. Most people would take exception to what you describe. I am not
objective admittedly - my ex partner and a very close friend were mates and had loads in common and I would babysit while they did their hobby. Yeah…I’ll let you predict the final outcome.

To be honest the best friend thing sounds really childish. I honestly think my DH is my best friend. I've got tons of close friends but I don't need to have a best friend other than my DH. I don't know if I got lucky. My DH hasn't got a best friend either just lots of friends. @AppleTurnover1000Degrees
I find the whole "My DH is my best friend" very childish to be honest. Your partner's your partner, your friends are you friends. Obviously you're closer to your husband which is why your married, the whole 'best' thing is eye rollingly cringy. I have friends from 30+ years, I don't categorise their importance to me by who I'm in a relationship with or not.

OP, please open your eyes. There's at the very least an emotional affair going on here. I'm very chilled out with DH but I still wouldn't like him going for sunset walks with another woman whilst I acted as babysitter. Why couldn't you all go and take the kids, or DH babysit and you go with friend. It feels to me like you're the spare part in this strange relationship. And yes, I think your DH sounds mostly to blame here but your female friend isn't helping.

I know two couples like this, DH and I used to be friends with them but backed off as their dynamic was blatantly obvious to us

Their power shift was slightly different as the 'best friend' (let's call her Gemma) is loaded and showers gifts, including foreign holidays on the other couple (call them Mary and Nigel) Gemma and Nigel blatantly fancy eachother and DH and I think they have shagged already. I tried to subtly suggest to Mary that Gemma and Nigel spend a lot of time together but no, Mary loves her best friend being best friends with her husband. I was dumped as a friend shortly after 🤔 Mary also idolises Gemma so cannot see anything amiss

Incidentally Gemma and her husband aren't that close.....

I agree, @LolaSmiles - there's the problem.

I saw this happen with work colleagues. She inserted herself (he allowed her to insert herself) into his marriage. Work colleague was 'more fun' than his wife. He left his wife and they moved in together then married.

In my colleagues' case I think he didn't like being a full time father. EOW being Disney dad was just fine for him. The rest of the time he and new wife enjoyed being double income no kids.

@LittleMissUnreasonable I've been with my DH for many years and yes he is more important to me as are my friends DH's to them. I don't have just one best friend just a lot of different groups of friends. So cringe all you want.

Ditto what everyone has said.. l certainly would not put up with this.. Best friend or not.. this was your holiday too.. but seems those two had a much better time than you. It's an affair if emotional or physical.
You're being taken for a fool.

👍 Friendship is the glue that holds marriage together.

I would imagine OP is in a state of distress while trying to process what is most certainly a double betrayal.

My heart goes out to you @OfMyDog

Except that this is weird because OP hasn't consented to it. I suspect that everybody else experiences a strange vibe when they're around all 3 people; two of them obviously involved and the 3rd person happily oblivious. I don't think many people would want to be around such an abusive environment tbh (you'd be witnessing the abuse of poor OP). Very sad situation.

OP, your family and other friends will be relieved if not over the moon that you have finally come to your senses. They have been watching this go on for ages. Lean on them for support.

I really don't get why it's cringey to say your DH is your best friend. We all understood what she meant, right?

Not read the full thread so apologies. You deserve to be Number 1 in your relationship but you don’t seem to be his first choice to spend time with. It’s hard for outsiders to understand how it got to this point I’m sure but it’s probably a bit of a boiled frog situation. On that basis, I’d probably be asking your H to move out for a while so all parties can consider where they’re at and how to move forward. It sounds like your friend’s marriage is functionally over but with the comfy situation she has with you guys, they have no impetus to go to the bother of ending things.