Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Also if my child was friends with either of yours I would be wary about them going to your house with sort of odd commune threesome type set up going on.

It’s the fact that he feels he needs to sit in the middle. If you are all equal friends then you all sit in the middle at various points. He feels he’s the central king pin, or the one who controls the friendship. Why?

I think you do need to speak to your friend. If she doesn’t instantly back off and realise she’s over stepped then she’s no friend. Watch that they don’t just go underground more though.
It just seems a bit too emotionally intertwined. She’s effectively using your dh as a substitute dh even if it is without the sex. Dh might just like being the saviour but whatever, it has to stop.

Do you have contact details for her husband? I'd be interested to get his take. At minimum it's an EA but more likely full blown affair.

It is weird.

This. OP you need to protect yourself - and your DC. If you split up you don't want your 'D'H, applying for custody of your DC and her playing happy families with YOUR child. As PPs have said, she wants your life and she will take all of it if you let her.
PLEASE DON'T LET HER.

Is there any chance her son is also his?

This in spades. OP you’ve voiced your concerns to your “best friend” and and have also shared your thoughts with your so-called husband. They’re both gaslighting and saying that they’re only “friends”. It’s at best boundary breaking and worst an affair, doesn’t matter if it’s emotional or physical. It’s still an affair. You need to get your stuff sorted and leave him. Chances are they’ll end up together and then you’ll be stuck with an actual blended family. I’d be curious to see what her husband actually thinks of the whole thing. But regardless of that, the way you’ve been treated on this holiday and in general is completely disrespectful with an and utter disregard to your feelings.

Is there any chance her son is also his?

It did cross my mind too.

I'll admit that I wondered that, too...

She’s not your friend, nor your best friend, to have continued behaving the way she does despite you sharing your feelings with her. She might not realise how hurtful your husband is to you or even care as long as she gets the attention she’s clearly been craving. And your husband is completely in the wrong. For this to continue the length of time it has, OP you need to wake up and smell the coffee, they’re both disrespecting you and hurting you and the sad thing is that they don’t even seem to even care

Exactly. Not to mention having private sunset walks etc. and then rushing to make plans with one another after coming back from what was clearly their vacation with OP taking care of the children with no disregard for the OP’s feelings.

@OfMyDog You have other friends, colleagues and family members who are all pretty much saying the same thing. Please listen to them. You will need practical legal advice and all the IRL support you need. We are all here too. But you need to be the one to make the first step. It’s been going for long enough and you matter too. You’ll come out of this much more stronger than before. Don’t accept any grovelling etc. they both know what they’re doing and they won’t really change and would you want a friend or a husband like that when you’ve been mistreated by them like this for a long while?

Your post made me really sad OP. What a dreadful situation.

I agree with others to start getting your ducks in a row financially.

But try and speak to your husband. Put it in a way he can't dismiss "you make me feel lonely in our marriage. I don't want this kind of relationship, I just get the scraps of your attention".

I'd also try and start drawing boundaries around your family, making time for just the three of you. Your son will benefit from it.

This in spades. I could never call another man my best friend 🤦‍♀️ I have a friend who is very close to a lovely gay man she met at uni. She confided in him when her relationship ended. A totally different and acceptable scenario.

Better still is the male 'best friend' married. Personally speaking I'm grateful there would be no other woman in DH life he would contemplate calling a best friend. It would feel so hurtful although each to their own, just not for us.

Totally agree - my husband is my best friend.

I didn’t meet him until I was 27 so I had loads of male friends but what I did with them was miles apart from what I did with my husband.

I can’t even imagine a scenario where I would leave our children with DH whilst I went for a walk to watch the sunrise with another man.

Anyone who thinks the relationship between your DH and this woman is just a normal “opposite sex friendship” is fucked up.

My husband would never leave me to go and sit with another woman in her bedroom. It’s insane!

And as for co-parenting? I would love OP to come back and explain what that actually entails.

I really feel for you OP because this really isn’t ok.

This is really wrong. No matter what is going on between them, they're treating you appallingly. Think about it this way: if this was a friendship group of three friends, and two of them went off to watch the sunset, and hung out in a bedroom together, and frequently arranged walks and meet ups without you, and all the other examples you've mentioned, how would you feel? Shit? Left out? Like the least valued member of the group? And we'd all be telling you that you deserved better.

Well this is the same situation, but worse, because one of them is your life partner, and the other is your supposed best friend! They're treating you so, so poorly and I think you're something of the boiled frog. If you were suddenly plopped into this scenario, you'd be appalled at being disregarded so thoroughly, but sadly you are used to it now. And of course, you don't want to be a person who prevents their spouse from having meaningful friendships with the opposite sex - totally understand that. But that's really not the crux of the issue here. Affair or not, I'm disgusted at their treatment of you, someone who is meant to be so, so important and loved to them.

No way is this okay.
yes, men and women can be friends - but this is ridiculous.
Your husband should want to spend more time with you, and watch the sunset with you, and validate your feelings and tone things down when you say you’re uncomfortable with their behaviour. And your friend should see how inappropriate she’s being with your DH.

I’d be inclined to think it’s, at minimum, an emotional affair…and I wouldn’t continue with this dynamic tbh

Yes he’s been with the same woman since they were teens and I remember helping him get ready for their first date.

I don’t understand why it would be hurtful having a best friend of the opposite sex.

Why is it not hurtful having a best friend of the same sex?

I also have a best friend who is a girl. I don’t really see the difference. In fact with the girl I’m probably more inappropriate with’ as we discuss personal matters like sex, periods and our bodies.

A partner is very different to a best friend and partners share a bond that a best friend can’t ever share.

I feel like if a poster came on here and said her best friend has stopped speaking to her since being with her new bf then everyone would call her a bad friend etc.

There is a difference, though isn't there, genuinely @Itsnotrightbutitsok ? If you have a woman close friend, it's obvious that you get extra from that relationship - you've given good examples in your post. It's unlikely to become sexual.
A close/bf man friend? What are you getting emotionally and socially from him that you're not getting from your husband? I'm not saying don't have men friends, I just don't get the best friend being male. It sounds like an emotional affair.

@Itsnotrightbutitsok Has your DH got a female best friend.

To be honest the best friend thing sounds really childish. I honestly think my DH is my best friend. I've got tons of close friends but I don't need to have a best friend other than my DH. I don't know if I got lucky. My DH hasn't got a best friend either just lots of friends.

@AppleTurnover1000Degrees - I agree about the whole "best friend" thing. It does sound a bit juvenile in this context.

Again 4 hours away and you don’t drive - doubt a regular occurrence

What a weird comment. People in throuples pose no more risk to your children than people in couples.There would be absolutely no need to be more wary of them than any other parents. That's like saying you'd be wary of your kids going round a friend's house who's parents were gay or in any other type of non hetero 'standard' relationship. Consenting adults have all types of relationship set ups and your kids will come across that in every day life. What exactly is there to be wary about?

Her husband isn't interested in her and I'm sorry but your husband isn't interested in you. He's with her for all intents and purposes. She gets all his attention, all the fun stuff, the romantic sunsets etc and you get to look after his child AND hers whilst they do it. You're basically the nanny. If he isn't willing to back off, and I'd be having the same conversation with your "best" friend too, then they've shown you the truth and you need to end it.