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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

1000 replies

OfMyDog · 06/08/2023 14:10

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 07/08/2023 02:38

This is all very weird. She’s inserted herself in your marriage. You seem very passive about it all.

lemmein · 07/08/2023 03:19

My friends dad did this. Both he and his wife had a 'friend' who used to go on holiday with them, stay over at their house, etc. My friend and her siblings called her aunty.

One night i seen him coming out of a restaurant with her and he looked startled seeing me as they hurried to get in a taxi. To be honest, i probably wouldn't have thought anything of it if he hadn't acted dodgy as hell - i was used to seeing them together, though usually his wife was present.

A few days later my friend told me that her dad had confessed to her that he'd been having an affair with this woman for years. Ive no idea if my friends mum knew, he was an all round cunt to her tbh so i wouldn't be shocked if she did know but just wasn't arsed- they're still together, the 'aunty' disappeared and his poor wife has wasted her whole life on the abusive arsehole.

Im sorry op, you already know, thats why you've posted - they're taking the piss out of you.

PopsicleHustler · 07/08/2023 03:19

This is absolutely ridiculous and you OP are putting up with way too much.

I re read your posts a couple times in disbelief , but this guy is taking you for a bloody ride. And she is NO FRIEND to you thats for sure.

I don't really see the need in having friends of the opposite sex. My husband is my best friend and there are plenty of lovely women to have as friends, I don't see the point in a male friendship. And my husband is like that also he doesnt have female friends. He is very polite and warm and friendly with my female relatives and female friends but that really it.
If my husband was having a lady to take out for dinner, clearing off to her hotel room,not interested in what I have to say and ignoring me and watching the sunset with another lady I would be literally devastated and planning to leave him.
I mean if the shoe was on the other foot and you invited a mutual friend, ignored your husband and only liked what this other chap was saying, went off to watch the sun set with him and was in his room and he clearly changed clothes, would your husband be thrilled and popping the fireworks off?
She/he clearly left her son in your hotel room so they could do stuff and then she was sat in her pajamas, so did he leave her room so she could get changed. Why would she randomly want to change into pajamas. Its so bizzare. Did she say its almost bedtime I am going to get changed, can you go wait outside and I can get changed ??? Its like very odd, because normally if you have company you wouldn wait til they have left. I mean there is possibility of physical cheating and then she got into pajamas after. Or she is comfortable enough to get changed in front of him into her pajamas because she and he have been having an affair for goodness how long under your nose.

Its so obvious, op and you have been putting up with him getting cross and annoyed and angry with you. I think maybe stop accusing him and act unbothered and then get some solid proof.
Of course you don't have to do that, you could simply call it a day, call it a day on the marriage and the bizzare co parenting arrangement. She's not your children's second mother. Her husband apparently doesn't even give two hoots what she does. Its all terrible.

Get out of this ridiculous situation, op and focus on your kids and having a good, normal life with with them.

Wish you all the best!

montecarlo7 · 07/08/2023 03:20

I think he's behaving very badly, but so is she.

If I had a friend like you, there's no way I'd put up with my friend's husband seeking me out for sunset watching and walks like that. It's disrespectful.

I'm sorry to say she is not your friend and you need to get rid of her from your life.

PopsicleHustler · 07/08/2023 03:27

Really good point @Daffodil18

Exactlty, she's not a friend, she's a real trollop! @Mamette

@Feverly yes, I don't think she should hang around any more and just get the divorce ball rolling. If he can cheat on you, op, with your "best friend" who else can he cheat with!!!! Or even cheated before if he has no qualms to cheat on you with your supposed best friend.

This situation is so warped. I honestly can't believe it.

PopsicleHustler · 07/08/2023 03:29

@montecarlo7 Exactlty. And its good to look at it from that angle. Because if she was a good friend, she would say Brian, why can't Kelly come and watch the sunset with you instead, you take Kelly for the meal, etc. No, she's happily going to it. Because they're having ......drumroll please.......AN AFFAIR!!!.....

RoseGoldEagle · 07/08/2023 03:38

You’re putting too much emphasis on whether or not they’re having a physical affair. Maybe they are, maybe they’re not, it doesn’t matter. They are both being incredibly, unbelievably, off the scale disrespectful to you with the behaviour that they are already exhibiting. Seriously OP!! I know it’s been said by almost every poster but this woman is NOT YOUR FRIEND! You have every right to feel how you do- do NOT let these two awful people convince you that you have to put up with this because you are somehow a nagging/uncool/insecure person otherwise. She clearly isn’t happy in her own marriage, and has happily inserted herself into yours, and it is NOT ON!

montecarlo7 · 07/08/2023 03:44

PopsicleHustler · 07/08/2023 03:29

@montecarlo7 Exactlty. And its good to look at it from that angle. Because if she was a good friend, she would say Brian, why can't Kelly come and watch the sunset with you instead, you take Kelly for the meal, etc. No, she's happily going to it. Because they're having ......drumroll please.......AN AFFAIR!!!.....

It definitely looks that way. If they're not having a physical affair now, it's only a matter of time at this rate.

Laiku · 07/08/2023 03:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pumpkinspice87 · 07/08/2023 04:47

Please do not allow yourself to be treated like this. You deserve a husband who wants to watch sunrises with you and who wants to spend his holiday with you, his wife. You need to cut all contact with this non-friend, tell your husband how inappropriate he has been and that if he does not also cease contact with this other woman then your marriage is over. No one deserves this treatment.

Thepossibility · 07/08/2023 04:56

My stepmother used to be my mum's friend.
This is all going to end in tears (probably yours.)

They are dating right in front of you!

At best he's sniffing around for an affair. If it wasn't her it would be someone else. And she is loving the attention. No “friend" would allow this situation to continue after she had been told it was making her friend uncomfortable!!!!
Not even an acquaintance would do that.

pumpkinspice87 · 07/08/2023 05:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Please don't bully people online.

MsDogLady · 07/08/2023 05:06

Absolutely an affair. They are behaving like a couple and making an utter mockery of you. Where is your anger, @OfMyDog?

These lovebirds made many memories on their romantic holiday, funded by you and facilitated by your role as child minder and ignored wife. They can’t get enough of each other — sunsets, joking, 1:1 hotel room time, ‘spending loads of time together’ on both the trip and at home, coffee and lunch dates, shared hobby, cozy togetherness in the respective homes, and constant messaging. They sound inseparable, even when you are right there. They’ve become one another’s Primary Relationship right under your nose and in the orbit of the children.

@OfMyDog, you are being manipulated by two practiced gaslighters who are conducting their affair by keeping you in your lane. Your H shuts down your valid concerns with contempt and blame-shifting. OW pretends to be your BF, keeping you sweet and trusting so she can stay close to H, be center stage, and always in-the-know. This is a cunning woman who covets your life and husband. Particularly disturbing is their using the children to perpetuate their infidelity.

You’re uncomfortable with your diminished and devalued status, but you don’t sound angry. H is a despicable cheat and terrible father who feels entitled to blank you while embedding his affair partner into the family and dedicating all of his emotional energy and attention to her. You have placed OW on a pedestal and are in denial about her true devious agenda. Massively selfish, neither of them cares about your feelings or well-being. They are betrayers who are playing you like a fiddle.

You need to take action, @OfMyDog. Underreact at your own peril. Speaking to them further would be asking for more manipulation. I’d be consulting a solicitor and making plans to kick them both to the curb. If you need hard evidence, investigate his phone, install a camera, etc. You deserve their utmost respect and loyalty, but they’re serving you shit sandwiches.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 07/08/2023 05:09

pumpkinspice87 · 07/08/2023 05:01

Please don't bully people online.

Show quote history

Well said @pumpkinspice87 We have all said more or less the same as @appleass so why is @Laiku picking on them?

montecarlo7 · 07/08/2023 05:11

MsDogLady · 07/08/2023 05:06

Absolutely an affair. They are behaving like a couple and making an utter mockery of you. Where is your anger, @OfMyDog?

These lovebirds made many memories on their romantic holiday, funded by you and facilitated by your role as child minder and ignored wife. They can’t get enough of each other — sunsets, joking, 1:1 hotel room time, ‘spending loads of time together’ on both the trip and at home, coffee and lunch dates, shared hobby, cozy togetherness in the respective homes, and constant messaging. They sound inseparable, even when you are right there. They’ve become one another’s Primary Relationship right under your nose and in the orbit of the children.

@OfMyDog, you are being manipulated by two practiced gaslighters who are conducting their affair by keeping you in your lane. Your H shuts down your valid concerns with contempt and blame-shifting. OW pretends to be your BF, keeping you sweet and trusting so she can stay close to H, be center stage, and always in-the-know. This is a cunning woman who covets your life and husband. Particularly disturbing is their using the children to perpetuate their infidelity.

You’re uncomfortable with your diminished and devalued status, but you don’t sound angry. H is a despicable cheat and terrible father who feels entitled to blank you while embedding his affair partner into the family and dedicating all of his emotional energy and attention to her. You have placed OW on a pedestal and are in denial about her true devious agenda. Massively selfish, neither of them cares about your feelings or well-being. They are betrayers who are playing you like a fiddle.

You need to take action, @OfMyDog. Underreact at your own peril. Speaking to them further would be asking for more manipulation. I’d be consulting a solicitor and making plans to kick them both to the curb. If you need hard evidence, investigate his phone, install a camera, etc. You deserve their utmost respect and loyalty, but they’re serving you shit sandwiches.

100% this.

Reggieismycat · 07/08/2023 06:25

Do you think her DH knows they are having an affair and has washed his hands of her? Can you speak to him perhaps he can open your eyes because you are so blinkered when you say she is your best friend. You have said you trust her many times so I think you really dont. Stop letting them walk all over you and chuck him out and see how good friends they are then. I really hate the way people treat someone they are supposed to love. I would really like to give you a bit of a shake too, to make you see sence.

DixiePeach · 07/08/2023 06:34

How did it come about that her and her ds would come on holiday with you? Who suggested it?

BigButtons · 07/08/2023 06:46

I wonder whether the op will come back to this. I get the feeling that although she knows what is happening is all kinds of awful that she would rather ‘keep’ the status quo rather than lose her dreadful husband and non existent best friend.🤷🏻‍♀️
it’s rare to see a thread where the responses are so in agreement- it must be hard for her to read it.

JadeIsMyFaveColour · 07/08/2023 06:50

This is a wind up, surely?

Otherwise you are being seriously gaslighted by your DH and "B"F 😮and everyone else can see what is going on in plain sight.

With friends like her, who needs enemies. Plus, your DH is an absolute arsehole and a manipulative, gaslighting, selfish bastard.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/08/2023 07:03

Op, I’m not being unkind but the words ‘hiding in plain sight’ spring to mind.
I’d get myself an STI check.

Cornishclio · 07/08/2023 07:11

I think if your friend and your husband both know you are uncomfortable with this and they are still spending lots of time together leaving you out then you need to be more assertive. Even if he is not being unfaithful to you per se he is ignoring your feelings. You say she is your best friend but how much time do you spend with her and do you and your husband ever do things just as a family with your DS?

Dovetail40 · 07/08/2023 07:33

He is sleeping with her.

You are enabling them.

This will end in tears.

DuckyShincracker · 07/08/2023 07:37

I'm so sorry OP as this is very painful for you. I know just how painful as it's happened to me. Firstly trust your instincts, sadly I wasn't wrong. Secondly get everything sorted out because the guilt my ex felt made him very nasty as he tried to make me the bad guy. She now lives in my house and draws my curtains at night, I'm a hundred times happier now it has to be said but it was a very bumpy ride.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/08/2023 07:39

The sunset thing..I would have taken my son and joined them on their ‘Sunset walk’. She’s responsible for her own son so it’s up to her whether she stays behind or takes him along but I’d be going on that walk.
Be less accommodating op.

Worrieddmum · 07/08/2023 07:44

I feel like this could have been written by my own friend 3 years ago.

Her "d"h was eventually caught out with her "best"friend... They had bee having an affair for nearly 2 years!

You husband is a gaslighting so and so and she is absolutely no friend of yours.

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