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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

1000 replies

OfMyDog · 06/08/2023 14:10

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

OP posts:
rach971 · 07/08/2023 07:46

Definitely way too trusting, he's 100% having an affair with her!

Redbrickrebel · 07/08/2023 07:50

They've done you up like a kipper here..having an affair in front of you and getting you to look after the kids whilst they do it!

Of course your 'friend' is nice to you..if she has a morsel of decency she will be feeling guilty as well.

The beauty of this from their point if view, is if you kick off too much about it, you will have 'driven them together '.

I like the attitudecof the OW's husband to be honest..he obviously knows what's happening and refuses to play any part in it and is probably 'doing' his own thing.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/08/2023 08:00

She's not your friend and she's not respecting friendship boundaries.

Your dh is also over stepping boundaries, he shouldn't ever exclude you or make you feel uncomfortable.

I have a good friend, and I was her dh friend first, but I'd never act as your friend is. There's no way I'd see you being excluded from a conversation or sit in a private room with my pj's on. You can be good friends with both husband and wife without making anyone feel uncomfortable.

I'd be sitting down with your dh and saying all of this, his reaction and actions will tell you where his priorities lie. It's him rather than your friend that you need to have the discussion with.

ZickZack · 07/08/2023 08:06

Even taking your friend out of the situation completely and even assuming everything was completely innocent (which I doubt), your husband is still treating you appallingly. Ignoring you, calling you ridiculous, choosing to spend more time with her. He sounds horrible.

Lennon80 · 07/08/2023 08:10

this is one of the more bizarre affairs I’ve seen on MN - but it’s definitely an affair. I’d be checking his phone and taking screen shots and filing for divorce. She is NOT your friend.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2023 08:21

ZickZack · 07/08/2023 08:06

Even taking your friend out of the situation completely and even assuming everything was completely innocent (which I doubt), your husband is still treating you appallingly. Ignoring you, calling you ridiculous, choosing to spend more time with her. He sounds horrible.

That’s a really good point.
Although it’s this woman enabling your H his behaviour is pretty bad on its own

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 08:22

tt9 · 06/08/2023 18:52

I am sorry to say I agree with all the PP. let's assume for a moment, it's all innocent. your husband is massively disrespecting you and your marriage and that woman is no friend of yours.

my best friend is a man. he is not just like a brother, he is more a brother to me than my brothers. I am very good friends with his wife and count her as one of my closest friends. whenever the three of us are together, I prioritise spending time with her or take the kids off their hands so they can spend time together. if the three of us are having a conversation, i always talk more to her on purpose out of respect but also because we enjoy ganging up on my friend and making fun of him. if I had the slightest inkling she saw me as a threat or felt insecure, I would distance myself from my friend. if I had even the smallest hint he was disrespecting his wife, he would be dead meat. that's what being a friend looks like.

Yes this is me, one of my best friends is a man. If his wife was in any way uncomfortable I’d back off . She is totally welcoming and not threatened by me at all though, I do make an effort to try and include although she’s very polite and pleasant she usually ushers out of the door to encourage us to spend time alone catching up!

For context we currently live in different countries so don’t see each other a lot.

OP, you were trying to do a nice thing And it may seems it backfired but actually perhaps this holiday is just the thing to shine a light on whatever’s going on. I hope you manage to resolve tbjnfs but I’m gobsmacked your best friend hasn’t immediately backed off when you’ve raised this with her? Perhaps it’s because I’m a single woman but I’m very sensitive to these things and you wouldn’t need to tell me twice.

I have a former best friend who invited me on hols with her husband and kids . If I’d went there is no way I’d have spent more time with the husband, I’d have spent more time with the children if anything and given them some time to themselves as a couple and at other times I’d have spent with my best friend. (I didn’t go in the end to due to work)

NutellaNut · 07/08/2023 08:24

Good heavens, what have I just read in your opening post?! Absolutely no way is this acceptable, I totally agree with your family and friends. This shit needs to stop now! You have to stop being ok about this totally unacceptable behaviour. At the very least it’s an emotional affair, at worst a physical one. How can it be ok for you to feel like a spare part when you’re with your own husband? Please wake up and take action. Don’t be a wimp about it, they are both treating you like a doormat.

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 08:25

Resolve *things

And just to add although I’m shocked at your best friend it goes without saying your husbands behaviour is even worse and as your partner he is mostly to blame.

Agree with pps, he’s being a gaslighter and totally dismissive.

No more holidays at your expense for this woman!

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 08:26

For context we currently live in different countries so don’t see each other a lot.

I imagine that helps!

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 08:32

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 08:26

For context we currently live in different countries so don’t see each other a lot.

I imagine that helps!

Well he’s moving to my country in two months with his family 😂( relocating for work) he will be about 4 hours away and I don’t drive but he’s already said he has a spare room with my name on it.

I hope to spend a lot of his time with him & his family - I’d love to get to know his kids and wife more!

His wife is very easy going , I doubt her attitude to me will change but never say never - if it does I’ll deal with it - ie. Backing off immediately.

Joeylove88 · 07/08/2023 08:34

On the face of it your friend is being selfish by saying she respects how you feel then continuing to lap up the attention from your H right in front of your face! Any decent friend would not be allowing you to feel like a spare part and would not be walking off to watch a sunset with someone else's H alone! Your H also sounds like a massive asshole who is treating you like crap and seems to be loving that he's getting to spend all this time with his 'friend'when it honestly sounds like he has feelings/love for this woman! In your shoes I would be splitting up with him, at the very least because of the way he speaks to you and the fact that he is leaving you out of things on what is meant to be a holiday for you and him to enjoy together. I feel very strongly about this sort of thing because iv been in this situation where my partner and so called friend kept spending time together and boundaries were crossed even though nothing physical happened (she 100% wasn't his type) it's the lack of respect and the emotional dependence alone that can cross the line. She either backs right off and stops spending time alone with him or I would ditch this friendship. He can just go straight in the bin!

Singingseals · 07/08/2023 08:51

OP you've clearly got the message that it's a pretty unanimous you are not BU. What will you do now? I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I rarely comment on these type of threads but I'm truly shocked at the brass neck of them. Who the hell goes round to each others houses for lunch on a regular basis when working from home? I know many with flexible working arrangements, myself included - lunchtime on a working from home day will normally consist of a thrown together sandwich or last night's leftovers, putting a wash in, maybe a run to the supermarket for stuff for dinner, a quick faff on Mumsnet and straight back to work. Appreciate everyone's different but the lunches during the working day alone would ring alarm bells never mind the other stuff. Co-parenting your children together? I mean WTAF?

Maireas · 07/08/2023 08:56

Yes, the whole visiting when "working from home" is highly suspicious.

Alialio · 07/08/2023 09:00

Everyone seems to primarily hate the ither woman/ femalenfriend in this scenario, but inthink the husband is the 100% definate arsehole. I can imagine a scenario where they are not "having an affair" and "nothing has happened" but he is getting his jollies from all the attention. Her husband doesn't give a shit about her and yours is giving her all the attention and affirmation and though fullness.you can see how she's want to live in a sort of chosen obliviousness where is "nothing happens" she can still get the attention, the holiday and more general inclusion and opportunity that comes from you guys, maintain your friendship, and yeah maybe.the romance of a love that "dare not speak its name" but constantly flirts with poaaibilitynand crackles with tension. For her, if she pretends she's oblivious to it all her life is better, it has you, it has this extended family you've all become, and it offers her a sense that she is attractive and wanted that she certainly isn't getting at home. I can see why it works for her and why someone could get.swept up in that. For DH it is no doubt a massive.ego boost. For you though, it's shit. And the fact that he is dismissing your feelings on the subject is REALLY bad

Maireas · 07/08/2023 09:02

No, plenty of people are blaming the husband, primarily.

Angelinadarling · 07/08/2023 09:06

Another one for the ‘Get your ducks in a row’ camp. This set up is not sustainable for you.

These two are way too invested in each other.

Speaking of investments, I also agree with an earlier PP - your beloved bestie ‘Wants Your life’.

Sending you strength & courage.

Saharafordessert · 07/08/2023 09:11

She is NOT your friend.
No friend would do this and she is as much to blame as he is.

Mumto32022 · 07/08/2023 09:17

I think the whole thing is odd. Would have made more sense if she was coming with her husband but just by herself ? One of you was always going to get ‘left out.’
I do think they’re both probably having an emotional affair. Unsure if sexual too? You’ll have to try and find evidence. Texts / online banking / receipts etc. he’s not even trying to cover it up.
was it him always trying to include her or the other way round ? Did you get any time together on holiday as a couple or any sort of sex?…. As that could be a big indicator whether or not he’s getting it somewhere else.
I don’t think I’d put up with It tbh. My husbands best friend is a girl but they are not like this at all. They wouldn’t even sit next to each other on the same sofa!

Inkpotlover · 07/08/2023 09:18

They are having an affair in plain sight. Whether it's physical or not yet - and I suspect it is – they are treating you like an absolute mug and I'm glad this thread has opened your eyes to it. You and your DC deserve so much better than being forced to live in this weird triangle.

I'm really curious about the OW's husband, @OfMyDog . Do you absolutely know for sure that he doesn't care what she does? Or does she treat him the same way she treats you – utter contempt – and does what she likes with your DH? Did she just tell him she was going on holiday with you guys and he had to like it or lump it?

Either way, you need to protect yourself and your DC from this situation. It's so toxic. Good luck!

BusyMum47 · 07/08/2023 09:21

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 14:15

She is not your friend, if she was she would know his behaviour is out of line and she would take a step back.
Her husband doesn't find her interesting but yours certainly does, she cares more about getting attention from him than how his behaviour makes you feel.

She is not your friend and your husband is a gaslighting bastard.

I don't know how you fix this because he obviously enjoys this, if they are not having a physical affair they certainly are having an emotional one and I bet if you left him it wouldn't be long until it turns physical.

Sorry.

I agree 100%. She's NOT your friend & they're both being unnecessarily cruel. You definitely need to confront HER about it, too.

getsomehelp · 07/08/2023 09:25

Get yourself organized & informed.
Decide what you want, (whether its possible may not depend on you)

Ask him, do you still want to be married to me ? because if that's a Yes, the GF has to go.

tell GF that she is ruining your marriage so its time to go & find a new prey

Give it a short fixed period to see if he/she/they can cope with the "separation".

Walk

Gcsunnyside23 · 07/08/2023 09:32

Alialio · 07/08/2023 09:00

Everyone seems to primarily hate the ither woman/ femalenfriend in this scenario, but inthink the husband is the 100% definate arsehole. I can imagine a scenario where they are not "having an affair" and "nothing has happened" but he is getting his jollies from all the attention. Her husband doesn't give a shit about her and yours is giving her all the attention and affirmation and though fullness.you can see how she's want to live in a sort of chosen obliviousness where is "nothing happens" she can still get the attention, the holiday and more general inclusion and opportunity that comes from you guys, maintain your friendship, and yeah maybe.the romance of a love that "dare not speak its name" but constantly flirts with poaaibilitynand crackles with tension. For her, if she pretends she's oblivious to it all her life is better, it has you, it has this extended family you've all become, and it offers her a sense that she is attractive and wanted that she certainly isn't getting at home. I can see why it works for her and why someone could get.swept up in that. For DH it is no doubt a massive.ego boost. For you though, it's shit. And the fact that he is dismissing your feelings on the subject is REALLY bad

But she's doing that all at the expense of her friend, this isn't some unknown person to her. She's also an adult and able to resolve in her head how she would feel if her husband was acting this way. I'm not just blaming her I'm blaming them both, they are both horrible and using op as a doormat

SpainToday · 07/08/2023 09:32

Ask him, do you still want to be married to me ? because if that's a Yes, the GF has to go.

tell GF that she is ruining your marriage so its time to go & find a new prey

Give it a short fixed period to see if he/she/they can cope with the "separation".

This.

Yalta · 07/08/2023 09:34

Alialio Whilst this might explain the dh. The friend knows how OfMyDog feels and isn’t changing her behaviour to be kind to her friend

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