Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

I hate to say it but she’s not your friend and they’ve both been very sly with what they’ve been up to.

I’ve heard of best friends literally stabbing the other in the back to have an affair and it sounds like this is what she’s doing. But your DH has certainly gone ahead with it, encouraged her and you’ve both invited her and her DS on holiday with your family.

As to what you do now, I have no idea. I know what I’d do but that’s me.

OP - I've read your update.

You need to get it into your head - this woman is NOT your friend. No female friend would behave the way she did on your holiday - just nasty, sly, sneaky.

You both sound smitten with her, fawning all over her - paying for her bloody holiday even - has she got incredible charisma or something? Honestly, I would get her out of your life, then decide what to do about your DH. I mean, his behaviour towards you shows utter CONTEMPT which is is the death knell of a marriage.

Start standing up for yourself. Are you afraid of losing them both? Don't be afraid. There is a better life around the corner with people who will love and respect you, if you are prepared to get out of this situation. It's awful. They are a pair of arseholes and will gaslight you into depression and misery. Plain enough?

@OfMyDog do you have any other friends? What do they say as she does not sound like a real friend!
Who goes to watch a sunset with their friends hubby or sits in a hotel room with mates DH while mate is sat in room on their own.
Why is her own hubby not close? does he really not care what she does or feeling pushed out by her relationship with your dh.

they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc.
That would do it for me. I guess you were the maid looking after the children?

Honestly OP, even if nothing physically is happening and you trust her, your husband is having an emotional affair with her. Who do you think he would choose, without hesitation, if he had to. I know which woman I would bet on.

it's time to break the threesome up. You meet her and the child without DH and you tell you you don't feel comfortable her meeting DH alone anymore... be prepared for your marriage to fail though but at least it would be out in the open.

How to approach this OP?
Are you confident to calmly explain to them both how they make you feel and you want it to end.
I would be ending the friendship first and then see how your husband reacts before making a decision about the marriage.
If not maybe a letter to each given at the same time.
I hope you're ok.

I would give him an ultimatum, he stops this nonsense immediately and has no further contact with her or the marriage is over.

As for her, I would block her on everything and never speak to her again, she has been beyond deceitful and dishonest. Your dh could have nipped this in the bud years ago and choose not to.

Your husband is an utter arsehole. How dare he dismiss you like that! And your friend is no friend. She knows how you feel but carries on anyway?

Who buggers off to watch the sunset with their friends husband while the friend is left watching both families children? It’s bizarre.

I assumed she was a single mum! She definitely had issues in her marriage which she needs to address. Whether that’s cracking onto your DH or not is another matter.

I mean if she’s unhappy in her marriage but can’t/won’t leave then I can see why you’d invite her on holiday and maybe even pay but her/your DH’s behaviour is appalling.

I also spend loads of time together with her and it still feels like we’re best friends - she and I are really really close.

You’re trying to be very fair - I salute your tolerance @OfMyDog

But I’m a bit astounded at your supposedly best friend’s response to you telling her how you feel about the interactions between her and your husband.

A good friend would back off. Would put some boundaries in. A good friend would say yo your husband, Why are you not respecting @OfMyDog ?

Time to require that those around you who supposedly care for you actually demonstrate that care rather than just talking about it.

Have you never confronted her on her behaviour? If you are very close as you say how come she doesn't consider your feelings? He is obviously infatuated with her and she must know it.

Sorry OP but you are very naïve here

Exactly this.

I hate to say it but I think she's only such a good friend to you because it allows her easy access to him. After all, if you and she weren't friends, she wouldn't be able to see him very often at all. The fact is that she's got you looking after her DC while she goes off with your husband.

I think if you start to see her as manipulative, clever and cruel, you'll see a side to her emerge that you hadn't noticed before.

I knew two women who were best friends, and they lived next door to each other as well. Let's call them N and L. When L's marriage broke down, she started to ask N's husband for help with DIY etc. He would pop next door under the pretence of putting up a picture or something, but actually they would shag. Even during the day time with the kids playing in the garden.

This was all about 15 years ago. I bumped in to N recently, and she confirmed she is still with her DH, but that they no longer speak to L, and she wouldn't say why. Wish I knew what happened.

But there you go. Some people will do anything. Get in to his phone Op.

Why?

I'm a single mum and don't behave like this in the slightest. Nor do most others.

I'm far too busy working F/T and looking after 3 kids to even contemplate another relationship.

Op he doesn't respect you in any way.
You don't need either of these people in your life.

This woman needs to leave your lives. Get some new friends.

Are you completely stupid?

In some ways, I am the bff in your situation. Before marriage, I was good friends with a guy and we hung out a lot and had a lot of fun. There was no sexual attraction but a great deal of respect and shared interests, and we also met when we had significant others (both long gone). Time passed and we both got married to our DH and DW of today. I became really close to his wife, so it was so fun for me to have both him and her as great friends. My DH loves them both but he travels for work and is gone a lot, so I hang out alone with them frequently.

However, after we had kids, I stopped seeing my male friend alone, primarily due to circumstances because woman bff and I shared mothering issues and childcare meetups. Now that our kids are older the physical mothering days are in the back mirror, I could see me hanging out alone with him more easily and engage in the outdoor pursuits we both love but our spouses don't. He and I are still friends, but now it would feel like an insult to her if I were to do that. Somehow, it feels wrong to spend loads of time alone w/ him today, despite doing so in the past. I only text him now separately if it's a logistic issue like, "Hey, bff b-day is next week...let's plan a dinner for her." There's a part of me that is sad we aren't close pals like when we were young, but I also so deeply respect his wife that I don't want to ever cause her a second of doubt.

I think your bff needs some self-reflection and if she is a good person, she might not even realize that her behavior is hurting you.

@Thatbloodyhedge I think the op has very low emotional intelligence and cannot see or won't see what they have been doing in plain sight. Its very sad.

Get rid of both of them.

This 💯
Perfectly put
You do sound infatuated with her too and can't see the wood for the trees.

PP saying give him an ultimatum- why would you want to demand someone capable of treating his wife this way stay with her?
Why would that benefit her in any way ? A future of further abuse, disrespect and seething resentment, what a prize.

You deserve better than this and need some serious support and counselling to work on building your self worth and self esteem.

Didn't read it all, only a few sentences in it's quite apparent this woman is NOT your best friend, why on earth you allow this with your DH is beyond me 🤷‍♀️

This is an affair. At the very least an emotional affair. Texting her late at night, prioritising her, spending time with her while YOU babysit? Just no.

What really strikes me about this story OP, is that you both had children on the trip, but somehow your friend and your DH managed to sneak away for an awful lot of alone time, and spend time engaged with each other.

Even if this was entirely innocent, I would be pissed off that I didn't get a much time with my husband, or child-free time, as I might have done if she and her son hadn't come. Why did you have to babysit her son, on your own, when he fell asleep in YOUR hotel room, ffs?