Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

Hey, OP, I forgot to add something...I said zero sexual attraction w/ my male bff, but I failed to add something. I've always suspected that if I wanted to make it happen, he would be attracted to me. I have zero desire for him, but I am not so sure that's the same in my direction (also, men tend to find a lot of women sexually attractive). He's NEVER indicated this at all, so it's just a feeling I have. I think he respects me, his own marriage and my marriage so much that he'd never suggest this, but this silent, quiet knowledge I hold deep inside is also why I've watched myself a bit more since they've been married, never wanting to give her or him the opportunity to wonder if I was being inappropriate. I respect them so much that I don't want to even be a source of quiet worry. Your bff's lack of circumspection is either ignorance or willful. I'm not sure which.

You are nothing like ops ‘friend’ you understood and respected the boundaries of marriage and relationships, cared enough to step back.

Nah. That's not good. You need to sort that shit out asap.

Wow , they are BOTH very wrong. Also he talks to you terribly

At the very least it’s an emotional affair. At worst it’s hiding in plain sight and it’s a full blown affair. She is complicit in this whole situation. She isn’t some lovely, innocent third party.

Complete agree.

I remember something very similar to this about 10 years ago with a woman I knew

Her next door neighbour was a good friend of hers, children were friends etc - they even had a gate between the two gardens

After the neighbours husband left her the neighbour became even closer to the couple, they all went on holiday with each other - the husband and the neighbour stayed up chatting as the wife was pregnant and wanted to sleep earlier - the pair of them offered to take the kids to the beach to allow her to rest

Just after she gave birth (as in while she was in hospital) he confessed he was in love with the neighbour and moved out and into next door before she got home with their newborn while the older kids were in school

Don't be blind

Make him pick. Seriously. Tell him you no longer want to play third wheel in this marriage and he either picks you and the woman is out your lives or he picks her and you divorce.

My money is he picks her.

This

She’s no friend, just pretending to be your friend to enable their deception . The two of them are deceiving you and probably laughing themselves silly about it. Wake up. I can’t believe the bit about you ending up childminding on your own while they saunter off together. Sometimes the truth is hidden in plain sight . Listen to the people who love and care for you, and thats not these two.

I think this is one of those situations where you need to trust your gut.

Also - even if there isnt anything going on, their behaviour is totally out of order and disrespectful. Dont let them mug you off, tell your DH you want the behaviour to stop - no more wfh meet ups etc and see what he says/the reaction. That will tell you everything you need to know.

Trust your gut.

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way OP, if I'd paid for my friend to come on holiday with my family I think she should've watched the kids while I watched the sunset with my husband, I think you need to wonder why you are questioning your instincts here, why are you so unsure of your judgement? Does your husband make you doubt yourself with other things too? I don't want to jump to any conclusions we all only know what you have told us afterall but if MY friend's husband paid me too much attention, enough for my friend to talk to me about it it would be squashed, it would never ever happen again. Get your ducks in a row, I wouldn't touch that woman with a bargepole, I'd tell mine and his family about the friendship, I'd keep the kids away from eachother and I'd be looking for a way out with as much security and support for myself and kid as possible, start sorting that now even if you don't need it. I'm wondering if your husband is just bullying you/enjoying your pain and your "friend" is getting an ego trip, even so-get rid!

You should not be a third wheel in your marriage. It does feel like an affair in plain sight. Neither are nice people.

My heart hurt for you reading all this.

You’ve spoken to both of them expressed your hurt and they are both blatantly taking the piss. A nasty NASTY pair.

This

To a certain extent this was me (as your 'friend') one year.

My husband had recently left me and my friend and her husband asked me to join them on holiday (I paid my way).

I also get on well with her husband and she was often the one who preferred to deal with their unsettled kids in the eve so I mostly spent the evenings with her husband (I'm lucky that my kids are better sleepers).

But we never chose to spend any time alone, it was just circumstance. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off on my own with him and when she was there I preferred chatting to her. I also offered to babysit their kids so they could go out for dinner alone and was generally aware I was the third wheel so needed to give them time alone as well.

Your friend has crossed a line. She should have been far more respectful of you. I think you will have to ask your husband to chose, your marriage or his 'friendship' with her.

Assuming he chooses you and it's not an affair, I think you'd have to tell her the truth. That their behaviour on holiday has caused a lot of damage to your marriage and you'll need some distance from her for a while. I wouldn't ever let her near your husband again though.

This sorry

Glad you're okay OP. I too am concerned that you can't see your friend's behaviour in an objective way. I've tried looking at this from so many angles to see is there is ANY way it could be okay...and just no, not at all, regardless of how much time you and her spend together. I'm sorry.

If this was my 'friend' and 'D'H, I would so angry and hurt that I mattered so little to them both; there's no way I would stick with either of them. I hope you have some good support in the way of family and other friends around you. Clichéd as it may sound, you're worth so much more.

I would have one last talk with your friend and calmly tell her you want her to step back. Be careful not to accuse her of anything. Just tell her the holiday opened your eyes and you are not ok with it. Tell her your marriage is suffering because of the threesome. Tell her you will meet up with her without your DH but you will no longer be inviting her to share your husband when he should be wanting to watch the sunset with you not her. If she is a true friend she will be mortified, apologise and do as you ask without question and go away and quietly make excuses not see him or chat to him again.
But if she questions you, or pushes you for reasons why, (she wants you to accuse her so that they can make out you are the ridiculous one) then you will know at last, that she isn’t the friend you thought she was and you can just walk away from her.

Then watch and wait. Watch him like an hawk and keep your wits about you. Know where he is at all times.
So sorry to say OP, but I have a feeling that your marriage may be about to come unstuck and reveal itself to you for what it really is. Sooner you get to the bottom of it all the better. Don’t be scared. What you have described is simply not right. Trust your family on this!

OP in the kindest way possible, Sports Direct sell mugs smaller than you

So you've spoken to her and explained how it makes you feel yet she's still indulging in inappropriate behaviour with your H.
A good friend would put your mind at rest, apologise for their part in making you feel uncomfortable and give your H a series wide berth.
As for your H, he's a gaslighting dick, you and your happiness / peace of mind should be his priority not spending time alone with your "friend" in her hotel room whilst you're occupied / out of the way minding both dc.
Does he go to watch the sunset with his male friends?
Santorini is lovely, very romantic, unfortunately your H enjoyed the romantic bits with your "friend".
Personally I'd launch both out of your life, sounds like you're royally having the piss taken out of you.

Even if they aren’t having an affair nothing in this situation is normal, they have an inappropriate relationship and she sounds like a second wife. I’d be having very serious words with both of them and putting in place some very firm boundaries

I think that is very unfair.

It's easy to be objective when it's not your life.

The OP knows this isn't right. She's spoken to her husband and friend about it. She went to her friends room on holiday because she was suspicious about their behaviour. She's posted here.

The thing is never to underestimate the power of boiling the frog. What starts out as reasonable behaviour escalates slowly and that when combined with two people you trust gaslighting you that the temperature is fine, even though you're distinctly overheating has the power to make many people (regardless of intellectual or emotional intelligence) doubt themselves.

@Remembermynamealways Well, honestly, it's always been my fear that I unknowingly caused my female bff to worry. Even if I laugh too much at his jokes...I know it's kinda dumb as she's never said a thing, but I'm very extroverted and affectionate with everyone so I often try to tone it down, but it's not my natural state. I think OP should first speak w/ the bff and be honest. I'd have died from shame if that was true for me, but it would have made me pay more attention to my blindspots.

I kind of don't worry so much anymore as I'm getting to the age where I'm not that sexually attractive (lol), but it's not the first time a woman thinks a male friend is just that, but the man could easily believe it's more.

Either way, you're absolutely right that the bff should be doing more to show her respect of OP.

'I also spend loads of time together with her and it still feels like we’re best friends - she and I are really really close.'

She's milking you for information about your husband.

When you casually mention that your husband loves watching 'name of film' she will slip it to him that it's her favourite film and his eyes will light up as he thinks she's his soul mate!

It’s actually a sign of a large trusting empathic kind heart not low intelligence!

You push down all the fears, all the creeping doubts because you’re so determined to believe that the people you love are as good and as kind as you are.

It’s a trap so many fall into… f’all to do with emotional intelligence!